The Hangover: Part III

It was later in the evening that same day when the front door to Phil's house clicked shut as both Doug and Stu stepped slowly into the front hall, immediately taking in the sight of the downstairs interior. They walked to the left, into the wide archway of the joint living and dining room. The entire area was completely and utterly void of any furniture or decoration with the exception of a few photos of Phil's kids on the wall, two folding lawn chairs, a TV tray adorned with a bottle of Budweiser and across from that, in front of a large picture window which was missing its curtains, sat a 48 inch plasma flat screen TV propped up by a few open boxes full of books.

Doug looked at Stu who couldn't seem to contain his amusment over the sight. "Did Phil get robbed?" Doug wondered, a hint of a laugh in his voice, but mostly concern.

Before Stu could comment, Phil sauntered in from the kitchen, holding a carton of Chinese food in one hand and a fork in the other. He looked up at his friends, mid bite. "Hey guys," he spoke with a mouthful. He set the fork in the carton and grabbed the beer up off the TV tray, knocking back a sip to wash down the food. "You're early."

"I know you got to keep the house, but damn...she took everything! Like...literally," Stu remarked, still taking in the surroundings.

Phil shrugged. "Steph picked all the shit out anyway. And this is the worst room. She left the appliances in the kitchen, our bed upstairs, most of the kids' things. A lot of the stuff Tiny Dong already has."

"Ting Deng," Stu once again corrected. "Lauren wanted me to tell you she's very sorry about this all and feels bad for her cousin's part in this. Her whole family is quite ashamed."

"It's not her family's fault my wife -- oh, exuse me -- my ex-wife fell in love with another man while she was supposed to be married to me. I didn't realize I had been such a horrible husband to her."

Doug frowned, stepping closer. "Phil, you aren't...weren't. You were very loving and devoted."

"Then it must be that my dick wasn't small enough to her liking."

"And you're a great father," Stu offered, ignoring the jab at the Asian stereotype. His wife was Thai-born. Phil's comments were a bit offensive to him at times.

Phil stopped all movements and just stood there, looking between the other two, raising an eyebrow. He picked up the fork once again and gestured to them. "What is this?"

"What's what?" Stu wondered.

"Is this a fucking pity party? I don't need a fucking pity party," the blue-eyed schoolteacher all but growled. "What I need is to have some fun to take my mind off the shit storm my life has become." He shoved the fork back into the carton and set it down onto the TV tray alongside the beer bottle. He did it too roughly though, causing the carton to tip over, spilling lo mein noodles onto the tray. The movement caused the bottle to wobble and it, too, fell over, rolling off the tray and onto the floor; what was left of the beer inside spilling out but the bottle didn't break. "My wife leaves me for Bruce Lee and what do I do? Order Asian food!"

Doug's eyes drifted to the mess on the floor, then back up to Phil. "What do you want to do for fun, Phil? We could all go out for a few drinks tonight, play some darts, or take in a good ol' fashioned action movie." Dear Doug, ever the levelheaded and thoughtful one of the group. He spoke in more relaxing tones and it always seemed to calm the others down in a crisis or tense situation. "Or, we could go look at strippers if that's what you need."

Phil perked up, pointing at Doug without looking at him. He had one hand on his hip, staring at a spot on the floor as if deep in thought. "That's actually not a bad idea. Fake breasts bouncing around always puts me in a good mood."

Stu felt unsure about the suggestion. "I don't think strippers is necessarily the best idea."

Doug smirked. "Worried you'll fall in love with one, buddy?" he asked, slapping the dentist on the back with a smile on his face.

"Ha ha. Funny. I just don't think seeing strippers for one night is going to make Phil feel any better." He looked at Doug. "He'll be back here a few hours later, alone in his house with no one here, left with nothing to do other than feel sorry for himself."

Phil glared at Stu. "Thanks for reminding me how much my life sucks ass right now, Stu. You're a great friend."

"You said it yourself, your life is a shit storm."

"Let's just grab a few beers here then and think about what we can do to give Phil a pick-me-up." Doug started to walked toward the direction of the kitchen, knowing full well that Phil would have it stocked with beer as his beverage of choice in the fridge.

"A stripper could give me a pick-me-up if you catch my drift," Phil called after his shorter friend, both hands now on his narrow hips. He twisted his lips as a thought began to form in his head, his eyes narrowing. "Actually..."

Stu was moving to crouch down and pick the beer bottle and food Phil had accidentally dropped up off the floor. He didn't know why he felt the need to clean up after his friend but it seemed like the thing to do. Plus, the room had such nice, hardwood floors. It'd be a shame to let a stain set in. "Hmm?" Stu looked up at Phil.

"I have a great idea."

This time it was Stu who began to narrow his eyes, but for the reason of being wary of whatever was on Phil's mind. "Do I wanna know?"

"Of course. My ideas are epic. Remember that time in college and I said we should all start a band?"

"Yeah, that lasted about two weeks because I'm the only one who plays any instruments."

"You were supposed to teach us the guitar."

"I did," Stu insisted, standing upright. "You didn't want to listen to my instruction and you threw the guitar at me if my memory serves me correctly."

Phil smirked. "That was pretty funny."

"Not to me."

"That's 'cause you're a pussy."

Stu rolled his eyes as Doug returned to the living/dining room with three beer bottles, uncapped. He handed both guys one and kept the third for himself. "In Phil's defense, you were a crappy guitar teacher."

"See?" Phil pointed. "I was acting out because you weren't instructing me properly."

"Can we forget the band that never was and focus on changing your life from a shit storm to a double rainbow."

"That's so gay."

Stu shot his taller friend a withering look, holding his beer in front of his chest. "I will walk out that door right now and go home to fuck my beautifully pregnant, Asian wife if you don't shut the fuck up." He was serious, but the other two knew that he wouldn't follow through with the threat. But the dig at Phil was felt and it was uncalled for, and Stu knew it the second the words slipped past his lips.

Phil's smile faded and he brought the beer to his lips. "I need to get wasted," he spoke plainly. "Just...fucking obliterated."

"What was the great idea you were talking about before you and Stu brought up the band that never was?" Doug tried steering the conversation somewhere productive.

"Oh," Phil licked his bottom lip and looked from Doug to Stu. "Yeah, I was just thinking about maybe I should go away for the weekend. It's not like I'm working right now with school being done for the summer. Plus this weekend the Wicked Witch and Godzilla are taking my kids to Disneyland. It might be good for me to get away for a while." He then shrugged, like he was trying to hint toward something. "But, it's not something I'd wanna do alone, you know what I mean?"

Doug's brow rose with understanding. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?" he asked carefully.

"What?" Stu was a little behind on the train of thought at the moment. Then it hit him. "Wait...no. Noooo." He shook his head. Phil began to smile a devilishly charming grin while Doug just brought his beer to his lips and smirked. "We are not going on another getaway. Do we not remember what happened the last two times?"

"Well, technically nothing happened to me the last time. I was at the resort in Thailand the entire weekend," Doug offered up.

"But the time before that...we lost you and you turned into a lobster," Stu reminded, still not having taken a sip from his beer.

"Maybe, but think about the fun we had," Phil tried convincing.

"We don't remember the fun because we'd been drugged! We spent two days going to hell and back figuring out what so-called fun we had." Stu looked at Phil and Doug, trying to make them see reason. Phil, obviously, was on board for another trip since it was his idea for one, and Doug seemed to be fine with whatever would be decided in the end, though it also seemed that he was leaning more toward the trip idea than not taking one at all. "We do insane shit when we're...obliterated, as you so eloquently put it," he spoke, letting his gaze fall on Phil. "We steal cop cars and tigers, marry hookers, get teenagers' fingers chopped off and start riots in foreign countries!"

"And get fucked by a shemale," Phil muttered with a hearty laugh just waiting to burst forth.

"And get fu--" Stu stopped himself from repeating what Phil said. His face went stone cold.

"We did that because we'd been drugged, not drunk. We've never done shit that crazy when just regular drunk. The drugs in our system blew everything out of proportion," Doug justified.

"Yeah," Phil agreed. "It was the drugs."

The trio fell silent, each contemplating different factions of the idea at hand.

"Well," Stu began, "I suppose I wouldn't be too against going away for a weekend as long as Alan didn't come, and we watched what went into our food and drinks. We could actually go to Napa Valley this time, maybe hit up some bars around there."

Doug wasn't sold on the Napa idea, and obviously Phil wasn't.

"Actually..." Doug and Stu both looked at Phil. "I kinda want to bring Alan along."

"Seriously?" Doug inquired.

"Are you already on drugs?" Stu questioned.

"No, I mean it. As much of an oddball he is, we have fun with him and...remember...his dad pays for anything he does. Or breaks. And, don't forget he, like, idolizes me or something."

"That's true," Doug nodded. "He does seem to have a man crush on you."

Phil pointed at Doug with the same hand he held his beer in. "Exactly. I bet you I could convince him to make him think a trip is his idea, that I can't afford to go away for a weekend to just get away from it all."

"That part is true, though," Stu pointed out. "You're living on a teacher's salary with child support payments and a mortgage. You can't afford to go away."

"Shut up, Stu." Phil just stared at his nerdier friend. "The point is," he continued. "Alan could possibly pay, if not for most of the trip, then all of it. Or rather, his dad."

"I don't know about that, Phil." Doug was now uncertain. "I don't like the idea of using Alan just so we can get away on a decent trip. And if Tracy found out we tricked her brother, she'd kill me."

"We're not going to use him. I have some extra money stashed away for shit like this. If I have to, I'll spend as much as it as I think I need to, but either way, I want to get away for a few days. If somehow Alan happens to think he's come up with the idea to treat me in my hour of need, then so be it." There was something mischievous in Phil's eyes as he spoke. Like there was a devil inside waiting to capture a person's soul by the way his eyes sparkled.

"So, you're going to call Alan and drop hints then?" Stu asked.

"Basically, yeah."

"If he agrees to this trip idea and whether or not he treats you and himself, or all of us...please, for the love of God, make sure he brings no drugs with him whatsoever. No roofies, no muscle relaxers...nothing. He brings himself and stays on his best behavior or we send him packing." Stu was laying his foot down.

Phil smirked and gestured for his two best friends to come closer for a group hug. They obliged him and stepped up to him as Phil wrapped his arms around their shoulders. "I think it's safe to say that my pity party is officially over and, now...onto the next party."

"And what party is that exactly?" Doug asked.

"Well, before a guy get's married, there are engagement parties, bachelor parties, rehearsal dinner parties, even anniversary parties while the marriage is going good..."

"Yeah?"

"What about when a marriage ends? When a guy really needs a party the most?" Doug and Stu looked up at Phil, questions in their eyes. "I'm gonna have myself a divorce party, boys."