Mind Trap.
1
I stared at the stars, confusion in my mind, and sadness in my soul. Waiting for a call, it should not to take a long time from now until my phone will begin to vibrate in my pocket. Breathe in, breathe out. Do not move or fidget. Defeating the purpose of this whole experience was not on my list. It’s not like the experience was something to destroy, but for once, I’m enjoying it. It’s nothing much, but it’s all I have to live off of, and I’ll take it. Normally the sound of the wind and ruffles in the bushes would take my paranoid level to a high but I could care a less at the current moment. All I could really focus on was my breathing, and I wondered when it was going to stop. When will it ever stop? When will the moment come when I just stop breathing? It has to happen sometime. When your heart just doesn’t want to run anymore, when your body has had enough. Every one has this moment, when your life flashes back and you look at all the good and the bad. But, I wonder…when will it happen to me?
Sure, I’ve thought about it. You know, killing myself. But then again, which teenager hasn’t? And do not go off beginning to think that I’m some freak who injures themselves because of my petty problems. That’s not the case in the slightest of bits. I just, freak out, too much. When I freak out, I just think of silly thoughts. I would never fall through with these silly thoughts, but for some reason lately they’ve been happening more frequently. I never figured out why and I don’t know if I ever will but more hurt and sadness has been running through my body lately. And I’m not quite sure if I even have a reason for this to happen, it just…happens.
Getting up from the ground, I noticed a swing. Lightly moving back and forth, it looked lonely. I know that inanimate objects cannot be lonely, but it looked that way to me. I walked slowly over to the swing and sat down. I pushed myself from the ground, and began to move back and forth slowly. And then my pace picked up and I began to swing higher and higher. I wish that things could be just as easy as swinging on a play ground. You build up to something so big, like in real life, but in real life usually those big things let you down. The big thing in this situation is being high up and feeling free, and even when you’re down, the swing will pick you right back up and make you feel free again.
Time wasn’t something of interest to me right now. I probably should be home, but my parents hadn’t called me yet, so I assumed that I wasn’t in trouble. I kept on swinging, and my phone did not go off once. It’s nice to be completely alone for once. No noises, no people to irritate you, nothing to worry about. It’s just me and my swing, and I kept swinging higher and higher until I could not go anymore. I put all my might into this, trying to catch my breath. I slowed down and my feet finally hit the ground, and that’s kind of like when you hit rock bottom in life, but life doesn’t pick you right back up like a swing does. Life takes a lot more effort than a play set at a play ground.
Breathe in, breathe out…I sat up in the swing, telling myself the exact same thing over and over again. Breathe in, breathe out…I finally caught my breathe and tapped my feet in the sand underneath me. I reached into my jean pocket and pulled out my phone. It was a lot later than I thought it would be. My mom must be pre-occupied if she hasn’t called me yet to see if I was at Natasha’s or not. I think she’s beginning to believe that I’m not always there, because if I was, I’d be part of the family by now. But the truth is I’m not even that good of friends with Natasha.
A tear strolled down my face; it felt odd when the tear and coldness of the air hit each other. I gulped, hoping that I would not break down. Not right now. I have not felt like this in forever, and this was not the time to cry, but it seems as if I cannot control that. People always wonder why I cry at the most random of times, but it just kind of…comes out? I cannot feel it coming, and nothing usually triggers it off. I guess there’s just so many things packed in my mind that some of it I don’t notice. And some of the thoughts must be pretty difficult to handle because I wouldn’t burst into tears for no reason from time to time if they weren’t. But, the thing is, is that I don’t like facing my feelings of sadness, and even though that’s what mostly consists of my mind. The weird thing is, is that I’m not generally a sad person. I may seem like it, but I have no legitimate reason why my mind is the way it is. I’ll never have an explanation. Unless someone can read me better than I can myself, but I highly doubt that I’ll ever be able to find someone who will be able to crack this case.
Sometimes, I try to convince myself that I’m lost. Well maybe not all of me, but most of me. I believe that it’s trapped away some where and my journey in life is to find it. Maybe then I’ll be able to figure out why I am the way I am and why I think the things I think. I would like to know sometime soon, but I guess I’m too young for that and I’m going to have to sit around and wait. Patience is not my best friend, but I guess I’ll just have to get to know it better from now on. I need to accept that I’m going to have to try hard to figure out those entire puzzle pieces. I more than likely won’t be able to do it on my own, but I believe that no one is going to want to help me. Why would they? I’m nothing special. Not worth anyone’s time. I’m too much to handle, according to my family.
My stomach began to twist and shout, it was in need of food, but I was not that hungry. I couldn’t risk eating just because my stomach was upset. I do not know why I do this, but I just will not eat. My mom says it’s probably because I think everyone is out to get me, and that I’m horrid and ugly to everyone. Which is true, but it’s all so confusing because sometimes, well most of the time, I don’t care what other people think. But, in all reality, it’s their opinions that matter the most. I just don’t realize it and try to make myself believe that I don’t care, when I do, more than anything.
The real problem is, is that no one has a problem with me. It’s all drilled in my head that they do, because I want to feel important. Society makes us all believe that in order to be important, you need to be talked badly about throughout the kids in your school so that you’re well known. Whenever someone may look at me wrong, or not even, I just think they’re looking at me wrong, I think that they automatically do not like me for whatever reason. I always think it’s about me. That might sound self centered, but I’m not like that to think that I’m the most popular person out there, because I’m not. Like I said before, my mom said that I act like the world is out to get me, which is true. My outside tells everyone different though. My outside is telling everyone that I don’t care when the odd person will say something bad about me. Which is true, it’s only the odd person who will every couple months, but I seem to believe it’s everyone, every single day.
It’s probably sick that I want to feel important by being hated, and I don’t know why things are the way they are. I would like to see someone for help, but my mom says I’m not fucked up enough to see a therapist. Either that or she just doesn’t have the money for it. I just want some crazy scientist to come into my room while I’m sleeping and take my brain away and possibly replace it with something that’s maybe a tad better than mine. I’m so tired of thinking the way I think, and doing the things I do, and why I do those things. It’s pointless and pathetic and I just wish that it would all go away because things would just be a lot easier than they are right now. Even though thinks aren’t that difficult, I obviously have to go ahead and make it seem like they are.
My phone went off in my pocket; I pulled it out again and looked at the text message. It was from Natasha. I said before that Natasha and I aren’t that close, well, I guess I lied just a tad. She and I have been best friends for quite sometime now. The only probably is, is that she hasn’t had much time for me now. She always wants me to go and hang out, but there’s one thing that’s holding me back. Jacob. He’s a nice guy, we’re friends. But I’d rather not sit there while they looked at each other passionately, and kiss and be all cute. Sure, I am happy for her and I’d love to be in her position, but that does not mean that I want to watch it. She always asks me if I want to go and hang out with them, and I hate lying to her, but I always have to make up excuses. My mom says that I’ve been like this lately since Natasha has a boyfriend, and all of my other friends have love interests. As much as I don’t want to admit it, she’s probably right. I try as hard as I can to blame my actions on something else though.
“Want us to come pick you up?” Is what the text read. I was all out of excuses, but then I remember that it was late and that I should probably go home soon. I’d just make conversation first to seem nice. I asked what they were doing and she said they were just walking around. Like I said, I hate lying to her, but I told her that I was really tired and going to bed. It was kind of hard to believe that I usually never do such things on a Saturday night, but for some reason she fell for it. If it wasn’t for Jacob, she would question me, but I think she’s too pre-occupied to even wonder why. He being in the way is probably why I’m like this. I don’t have anyone to open up to anymore. Even though she never gave me much advice, at least she was there to listen. Sure, I had my mom, just she didn’t do much either. All she really does is tells me what I’m doing wrong and what she would do. But, I don’t want to do what she would do; I want to figure out what I want to do.
Boys make everything so difficult. And they say the exact same thing about us. But, I have no idea what I’m talking about, since there’s no ‘boys’ in my life, and there never has been. Except for in the sixth grade, but those boys don’t count. They were the kind of relationship that you never talked and you only dated for a week, also everyone thought that it was the biggest deal because you were ‘going steady’. I kind of gave up on all that bullshit when I realized that the ugliest and meanest of girls could find someone and I couldn’t. That perfectly shows me that I must be worst than them. I know something inside me tells me that I’m not, but what is put in front of me, makes me believe that I’m a hundred times worse than they are.
For some reason, I do not want to blame boys for my problems. There are no boys to blame it on. Sure, it would be nice to have someone around to make me feel pretty, and make me laugh when I’m sad, but I’m pretty sure that, that will not happen for a long time. I’m always going to be the friend that sits back and acts like they know stuff about relationships, and help everyone else. Everyone always comes to me for relationship advice, and apparently it’s good advice, but that’s only because I watch way too many movies and television. It’s not because I’ve experienced it in real life, it’s because I have a gist what people will want in reality, and I apply it to my advice.
Also, I believe the more boys that I meet that I think have potential, just make my hope for goodness in the male species go down and down. I know there may be a couple guys out there that I could approve of, since I do not approve of most men. It’s a very difficult process for me to even consider a boy of being someone of interest. I think it’s because I’m so scared of being left alone in the dark. And the one thing that sucks about this all is that most boys want a girl that will give them a good time, and rip their hearts out in the end, either cheating on them or not giving them a reason. I don’t know why boys minds are wired to work like that, but they are. And I highly doubt that anything is going to change that.
For now on, I’m going to stop blaming my problems on boys. If I keep the thought in my mind, it’s going to come out sooner or later, and then Natasha will think that I’m jealous. A part of me is, but a part of me just does not want what she has. I want something different, something that’s going to make me feel alive. And I don’t want that boy, if he ever comes, to fix all my problems. My problems will always be there, I just want him to put them all on hold. Make me forget about them, just for a second, so I can actually enjoy life for once. But, I must not think of this boy who will never come, because if he’s not coming, then why waste time thinking about it?
Sure, I’ve thought about it. You know, killing myself. But then again, which teenager hasn’t? And do not go off beginning to think that I’m some freak who injures themselves because of my petty problems. That’s not the case in the slightest of bits. I just, freak out, too much. When I freak out, I just think of silly thoughts. I would never fall through with these silly thoughts, but for some reason lately they’ve been happening more frequently. I never figured out why and I don’t know if I ever will but more hurt and sadness has been running through my body lately. And I’m not quite sure if I even have a reason for this to happen, it just…happens.
Getting up from the ground, I noticed a swing. Lightly moving back and forth, it looked lonely. I know that inanimate objects cannot be lonely, but it looked that way to me. I walked slowly over to the swing and sat down. I pushed myself from the ground, and began to move back and forth slowly. And then my pace picked up and I began to swing higher and higher. I wish that things could be just as easy as swinging on a play ground. You build up to something so big, like in real life, but in real life usually those big things let you down. The big thing in this situation is being high up and feeling free, and even when you’re down, the swing will pick you right back up and make you feel free again.
Time wasn’t something of interest to me right now. I probably should be home, but my parents hadn’t called me yet, so I assumed that I wasn’t in trouble. I kept on swinging, and my phone did not go off once. It’s nice to be completely alone for once. No noises, no people to irritate you, nothing to worry about. It’s just me and my swing, and I kept swinging higher and higher until I could not go anymore. I put all my might into this, trying to catch my breath. I slowed down and my feet finally hit the ground, and that’s kind of like when you hit rock bottom in life, but life doesn’t pick you right back up like a swing does. Life takes a lot more effort than a play set at a play ground.
Breathe in, breathe out…I sat up in the swing, telling myself the exact same thing over and over again. Breathe in, breathe out…I finally caught my breathe and tapped my feet in the sand underneath me. I reached into my jean pocket and pulled out my phone. It was a lot later than I thought it would be. My mom must be pre-occupied if she hasn’t called me yet to see if I was at Natasha’s or not. I think she’s beginning to believe that I’m not always there, because if I was, I’d be part of the family by now. But the truth is I’m not even that good of friends with Natasha.
A tear strolled down my face; it felt odd when the tear and coldness of the air hit each other. I gulped, hoping that I would not break down. Not right now. I have not felt like this in forever, and this was not the time to cry, but it seems as if I cannot control that. People always wonder why I cry at the most random of times, but it just kind of…comes out? I cannot feel it coming, and nothing usually triggers it off. I guess there’s just so many things packed in my mind that some of it I don’t notice. And some of the thoughts must be pretty difficult to handle because I wouldn’t burst into tears for no reason from time to time if they weren’t. But, the thing is, is that I don’t like facing my feelings of sadness, and even though that’s what mostly consists of my mind. The weird thing is, is that I’m not generally a sad person. I may seem like it, but I have no legitimate reason why my mind is the way it is. I’ll never have an explanation. Unless someone can read me better than I can myself, but I highly doubt that I’ll ever be able to find someone who will be able to crack this case.
Sometimes, I try to convince myself that I’m lost. Well maybe not all of me, but most of me. I believe that it’s trapped away some where and my journey in life is to find it. Maybe then I’ll be able to figure out why I am the way I am and why I think the things I think. I would like to know sometime soon, but I guess I’m too young for that and I’m going to have to sit around and wait. Patience is not my best friend, but I guess I’ll just have to get to know it better from now on. I need to accept that I’m going to have to try hard to figure out those entire puzzle pieces. I more than likely won’t be able to do it on my own, but I believe that no one is going to want to help me. Why would they? I’m nothing special. Not worth anyone’s time. I’m too much to handle, according to my family.
My stomach began to twist and shout, it was in need of food, but I was not that hungry. I couldn’t risk eating just because my stomach was upset. I do not know why I do this, but I just will not eat. My mom says it’s probably because I think everyone is out to get me, and that I’m horrid and ugly to everyone. Which is true, but it’s all so confusing because sometimes, well most of the time, I don’t care what other people think. But, in all reality, it’s their opinions that matter the most. I just don’t realize it and try to make myself believe that I don’t care, when I do, more than anything.
The real problem is, is that no one has a problem with me. It’s all drilled in my head that they do, because I want to feel important. Society makes us all believe that in order to be important, you need to be talked badly about throughout the kids in your school so that you’re well known. Whenever someone may look at me wrong, or not even, I just think they’re looking at me wrong, I think that they automatically do not like me for whatever reason. I always think it’s about me. That might sound self centered, but I’m not like that to think that I’m the most popular person out there, because I’m not. Like I said before, my mom said that I act like the world is out to get me, which is true. My outside tells everyone different though. My outside is telling everyone that I don’t care when the odd person will say something bad about me. Which is true, it’s only the odd person who will every couple months, but I seem to believe it’s everyone, every single day.
It’s probably sick that I want to feel important by being hated, and I don’t know why things are the way they are. I would like to see someone for help, but my mom says I’m not fucked up enough to see a therapist. Either that or she just doesn’t have the money for it. I just want some crazy scientist to come into my room while I’m sleeping and take my brain away and possibly replace it with something that’s maybe a tad better than mine. I’m so tired of thinking the way I think, and doing the things I do, and why I do those things. It’s pointless and pathetic and I just wish that it would all go away because things would just be a lot easier than they are right now. Even though thinks aren’t that difficult, I obviously have to go ahead and make it seem like they are.
My phone went off in my pocket; I pulled it out again and looked at the text message. It was from Natasha. I said before that Natasha and I aren’t that close, well, I guess I lied just a tad. She and I have been best friends for quite sometime now. The only probably is, is that she hasn’t had much time for me now. She always wants me to go and hang out, but there’s one thing that’s holding me back. Jacob. He’s a nice guy, we’re friends. But I’d rather not sit there while they looked at each other passionately, and kiss and be all cute. Sure, I am happy for her and I’d love to be in her position, but that does not mean that I want to watch it. She always asks me if I want to go and hang out with them, and I hate lying to her, but I always have to make up excuses. My mom says that I’ve been like this lately since Natasha has a boyfriend, and all of my other friends have love interests. As much as I don’t want to admit it, she’s probably right. I try as hard as I can to blame my actions on something else though.
“Want us to come pick you up?” Is what the text read. I was all out of excuses, but then I remember that it was late and that I should probably go home soon. I’d just make conversation first to seem nice. I asked what they were doing and she said they were just walking around. Like I said, I hate lying to her, but I told her that I was really tired and going to bed. It was kind of hard to believe that I usually never do such things on a Saturday night, but for some reason she fell for it. If it wasn’t for Jacob, she would question me, but I think she’s too pre-occupied to even wonder why. He being in the way is probably why I’m like this. I don’t have anyone to open up to anymore. Even though she never gave me much advice, at least she was there to listen. Sure, I had my mom, just she didn’t do much either. All she really does is tells me what I’m doing wrong and what she would do. But, I don’t want to do what she would do; I want to figure out what I want to do.
Boys make everything so difficult. And they say the exact same thing about us. But, I have no idea what I’m talking about, since there’s no ‘boys’ in my life, and there never has been. Except for in the sixth grade, but those boys don’t count. They were the kind of relationship that you never talked and you only dated for a week, also everyone thought that it was the biggest deal because you were ‘going steady’. I kind of gave up on all that bullshit when I realized that the ugliest and meanest of girls could find someone and I couldn’t. That perfectly shows me that I must be worst than them. I know something inside me tells me that I’m not, but what is put in front of me, makes me believe that I’m a hundred times worse than they are.
For some reason, I do not want to blame boys for my problems. There are no boys to blame it on. Sure, it would be nice to have someone around to make me feel pretty, and make me laugh when I’m sad, but I’m pretty sure that, that will not happen for a long time. I’m always going to be the friend that sits back and acts like they know stuff about relationships, and help everyone else. Everyone always comes to me for relationship advice, and apparently it’s good advice, but that’s only because I watch way too many movies and television. It’s not because I’ve experienced it in real life, it’s because I have a gist what people will want in reality, and I apply it to my advice.
Also, I believe the more boys that I meet that I think have potential, just make my hope for goodness in the male species go down and down. I know there may be a couple guys out there that I could approve of, since I do not approve of most men. It’s a very difficult process for me to even consider a boy of being someone of interest. I think it’s because I’m so scared of being left alone in the dark. And the one thing that sucks about this all is that most boys want a girl that will give them a good time, and rip their hearts out in the end, either cheating on them or not giving them a reason. I don’t know why boys minds are wired to work like that, but they are. And I highly doubt that anything is going to change that.
For now on, I’m going to stop blaming my problems on boys. If I keep the thought in my mind, it’s going to come out sooner or later, and then Natasha will think that I’m jealous. A part of me is, but a part of me just does not want what she has. I want something different, something that’s going to make me feel alive. And I don’t want that boy, if he ever comes, to fix all my problems. My problems will always be there, I just want him to put them all on hold. Make me forget about them, just for a second, so I can actually enjoy life for once. But, I must not think of this boy who will never come, because if he’s not coming, then why waste time thinking about it?