Harbour Lights and Lonely Nights

Sidney hadn’t played in the game that night against the Hawks but he still accepted the offer to go out with the boys for a little post-game celebration. It wasn’t that these preseason games mattered in the big picture but after 4 straight wins perhaps it was indicative of how the rest of the season would go. Any worry that the new arena might throw off the young players was put to rest. It wasn’t like the Igloo which had opened and closed with a loss to the habs. The 18,087 seats were good luck, he knew it.

It was already dark outside when Sidney stepped out of the shower. Steam from the layer of moisture rose from his skin. The mirror was too fogged to make out reflections. He had come home to get ready and was going to meet with everyone else at the club. In the hall, with a towel secured around his waist, he couldn’t help peeking into the guest room. Emptiness plagued the once unnoticed room. Where he used to forget its existence it now remained a harsh reminder of how alone he was. The meticulous tidiness became an annoyance rather than perfection. Emily had been gone 5 days and they hadn’t spoken once. He decided to call her as he returned to his room and sat on the bed clad only in his boxers. Getting dressed could wait. The hand that had been towelling his dripping hair stopped as soon as the number was dialled. His arm went limp at his side as all his concentration became channelled to the ringing phone. There was no answer just an automated voice telling him to leave a message. It wasn’t even Emily he got to hear on the voicemail. He didn’t leave a message. He finished drying his hair with the towel and looked down at the clothes he had pulled out of the closet. The clothes represented a decision. The decision was to go out and have fun but without speaking to Emily he felt the action might be empty. So he dialled again as he stood at the foot of his bed. It rang and rang without answer. The automated voice came back. Again he left no message.

Apart from disappointing him, the sound of her voicemail that second time made his mind up for him. Just because Emily was gone for a bit didn’t mean he couldn’t have fun. Wasn’t one of the things she had reminded of was the fact that he deserved to let loose once in a while? And not for the sake of anybody but himself.

---

The familiar club was a favourite of the team for post-game celebrations. Their private room was frequented by Pittsburgh athletes. The music loud and raucous in the fake lights. By the time Sidney arrived most of his teammates had dispersed, chasing girls with large breasts and no working knowledge of a hockey rink. The only one he managed to spot was Jordan. The tall blond charmer sitting with two brunettes who were laughing attentively. When he saw the captain he signalled him over. Brunette number one had more of a chestnutty brown hair and plain brown eyes surrounded by loads of make-up. Her name was Kiera. He repeated it as if he were going to try and remember it. Brunette number two was the more attractive of them. She had a dark brown hair like Emily’s but it failed to have her shine. Her eyes were an icy blue, nowhere near the deep shade of his friends. Her curves were well defined and she had sensual pouty lips. Her name was Jane. He wouldn’t be remembering that either. Subtly, Jordan made it clear that he was giving up the second brunette to his captain. Perhaps in hopes it might loosen him up but the shallowness of the girl’s conversation couldn’t keep him seeming attentive for more than five minutes. Eventually he gave up and offered to get everyone drinks, only he wouldn’t make it back to the table.

At the bar there was a girl alone. She had soft blond hair and an air of sadness around her. She didn’t fit into the jovial stupid tone of the room around her. Seeing as it was a VIP room Sidney wondered who the girl was. Something about her made her seem like someone he wouldn’t actually mind talking to.

As he waited for his fourth rum and coke he found out her name was Sarah. She had come with her friend who had taken off with some hockey player, he guessed Max—it was usually Max. Less than 24 hours ago her “fucking douchebag ex-boyfriend” had cheated on her. Sidney sat and listened to their story. His mind wandered to thoughts of what Emily might be doing in that moment. The alcohol was making it hard to concentrate and the coloured lights didn’t help his deficient attention span. The more times Emily popped up in his mind the more he wanted to get rid of thoughts of her. He knew she would be back soon and for good but soon wasn’t now. He was tired of sleeping in an empty house. He would say sleeping alone but even when Emily had stayed with him she slept mostly in the guest room. It wasn't even having her in his bed he missed, but just in his house. He would even settle for state. He wanted the fun and companionship that came with having her around and before long that desire turned into the alcohol fuelled decision to take Sarah back to his house.

The club was spinning as they walked out and the inside of the cab was spinning even worse. Hungry lips attached to his in the backseat, to the dismay of the driver. Frustration let itself out in feverish attempts to grab and grope the girl beside him. In moments he was paying the driver and stumbling to the house. Everything was exactly as he left it, still and lifeless. He half remembered the trip to the bedroom. His hand angrily grabbed the doorknob of the guestroom and pulled it shut with a slam on his way past it. The sound startled Sarah but her thoughts were too hazy to be inquisitive.

Clothes peeled off and as much as his hands were pressing against Sarah’s soft skin, they were angrily pushing away thoughts of Emily. She had ceased to exists in his mind by the time they made it too the bed. The physical pleasure of the act was there in full swing but when he passed out sweaty and naked beside the blond afterward he felt devoid of that emotional pleasure he had experienced with the brunette.

---

Movement of the sheets grazed his side. Sleep weighed upon his body and mind anchoring him in a state of miscomprehension. His head harboured a dull throbbing and his stomach felt unsettled. Opening his eyes to light would only worsen it so he stayed still and tried to let the feeling pass.

There was a body in bed with him. He could feel the heat from the female’s skin mere inches away from his own. He smiled, eyes still shut against the morning light. Automatically his hand reached out to the curve of her side and slid down the smooth skin. But then… then he reached her knee. Only it couldn’t be her knee. Where the invisible rough patch of skin should have been felt on his fingertips the skin was perfectly smooth and unbroken.

A groan sounded from the body at his touch and his eyes finally shot open. There was a nest of blond hair glowing from the sunlight’s caress. Green eyes that most would consider beautiful fluttered open in front of him. Where most would see vibrant green he was reminded only of a swamp. There was nothing like the dark blue ones he had hoped to see.

“Hello,” her voice was coated with the morning, groggy and shy. It was obvious that she was not used to one night stands. He had liked that about her the night before.
“Hi.”
The blond hair rose as she readjusted herself and looked over him at his alarm clock. It was 10.
“Where are we?” She settled against the headboard and let awareness slowly come to her.
“My house. It’s not too far from the club.”
A silence fell over them as they sat up in bed. Slowly the fog of sleep lifted, the white sheets clutched against their naked bodies. Sarah’s eyes looked over her surroundings. One small detail of the room caught her attention and made her stomach wrench. Beside the alarm clock on his nightstand was a framed photograph. Him and another woman. Had he cheated on the girl in the picture? Was she doing to someone else the horrible act that she had been put through herself?
“Who’s that in the picture?”
Sidney looked over to the frame. Why had he put it there? He didn’t want to look at it. “Just an old friend.”
Relief washed over her and she looked over the photograph once again. This time being able to take it in without worry. “Awww it’s young Sid. Geez. How old are you there?”
He put the picture face down. “like 17.”
“Touchy subject?”
She watched him nod without looking at her.
“Sorry.”
The handsome man turned to look at her apologetically. “Not your fault.”

Without much more to say to each other Sarah got up and asked to use his shower. While she was absent he rubbed his palm the length of his face. He tried to wipe the feeling of regret from his features. He did not feel guilty. He had done absolutely nothing wrong. He had even had a bit of fun. But that bit of fun reminded him how dull things felt when the memory of Emily’s presence was so fresh in his mind. This was not news. Five years ago when the two had first went their separate ways Sidney had felt that same dulling of sensation in his life but he had gotten over it. Could he do it again?

He slipped on some boxers and stood up. The female’s voice called something from the bathroom. He couldn’t make out the words but when he approached the door of the room he saw her standing in front of the mirror with a box in her hand. A towel was wrapped around her soaked frame. The box in her hand was an unfamiliar blue with blocks of pink and yellow on it. But whatever it was Sarah looked slightly distressed at it.

“What?” He finally managed to ask from the doorway.
“Why do you have tampons?” Sarah’s immediate thought was that this was proof he most definitely had a girlfriend and she was a terrible person.
Sidney’s face scrunched up in confusion. They must have been Emily’s but he had never noticed the box among his things. “I had a friend stay here for a bit.”
Sarah’s face was still sceptical.
“The friend from the photo visited for a few weeks. She must have bought them.” His demeanour seemed to grow cold at the mention of her and at this Sarah paused.
“Do you love her?”
The question startled Sidney, “What would make you ask something like that?”
Was he that obvious? Did he love her? How was this girl so sensitive to his nuances after only meeting him last night? Something about her wasn’t like the other girls he had brought home for a night. This girl was definitely girlfriend material. Had he not set his heart on his best friend he could easily see himself growing to like the girl in front of the mirror.
Her small bony shoulders shrugged. “Just asking.”

She never got her answer. After she got dressed he took his turn in the shower. She had used the mouth wash but put it back exactly where it was supposed to be. One might consider this a good trait, especially a person who loved order, but he missed the way Emily always left it beside the sink. In the last few days he had sometimes found himself debating not putting it away after he used it just to delude himself into thinking she existed somewhere in the house.

Sidney decided that he wanted to go see Marc. It seemed the goalie was one of the most level headed of his friends, especially when it came to girls. Just the type of person he needed to be around right now. He told Sarah he had to go to work and offered to drive her home. The blond insisted she take a cab and it went silently agreed between them that this was a once off thing. Perhaps it was because Sarah had knowledge of his heart’s true allegiance or perhaps it was because in the end Sidney was really just a rebound for her after a difficult break-up. Either way he didn’t care as he drove down the familiar street therapeutically humming. Being alone was a good feeling and the interruption of his phone ringing felt like a nuisance until he answered it and heard Emily’s familiar voice.

“Heya Captain,” floated the familiar sound from his phone.
“Hi Em.”
“Comment ça va?”
“Comme ci, comme ça. Et toi? ça va?”
“Good I guess. Sorry I missed your calls yesterday, I was at the harbour.”
“It’s no problem.” Sidney decided to pull his car over so he could focus on the conversation he so desperately wanted to have. It didn’t really need to be about anything specific.
“Did I catch you at a bad time?”
“No, not at all.” He pulled the car into a large parking lot and looked for a spot away from the others.
On the other end of the phone line Emily lay across her bed on her stomach. Her old phone against her ear like when they were teenagers. There had been many nights where this is how she had fallen asleep helping Sidney with homework over the phone or talking about whatever they fancied. She liked hearing his voice like this. As if he was just a few streets away.

“I saw your sister yesterday. She introduced me to her best friend. He seemed nice.”
“He?”
“His name’s Eric.”
“I think my mom was telling me about him earlier.” He settled for the corner spot facing a road. As soon as the car stopped he relaxed back into the seat and adjusted the temperature.
“Aww. You remember what it was like being that age.”
“That’s what worries me.”
“We weren’t that bad.”
Sidney laughed, “Oh yes, yes we were.”

The darkness had consumed the lake and forest. The leaves once bright oranges and yellows in the Autumn light had become overtaken by night. Crickets sang their familiar tune loudly under the guise. The air was cool but not nearly as cold as that water that reflected bits of moonlight in its ripples.

Emily watched out the small window from inside her room at the cottage. The smell of the damp wooden frame coming over her as she looked through the moths on the screen. Past the glass and the screen she could see the silhouette of Sidney by the water. The outline of his awkward teenage body was unmistakable as he disappeared from the small path onto the dock which wasn’t visible through the trees. She grabbed her sweater, pet Toaster as she walked by him, and swiped a beer from the beer fridge before going to him. Her parents had come up with them a few days ago but had left earlier that day because they had work today. Giving them one night with the cottage to themselves. They had both just started their last year of high school and they had been friends so long Emily’s parents trusted them.

At the end of the dock he stood with his arms wrapped firmly around his hoodie. As she reached him she passed him the beer and immediately nuzzled in next to him for warmth. The body heat shared between them became a shield encasing them against the night. Without a word from either of them they passed the bottle back and forth, alternating sips. The only sound that found them was the cricket’s tune, uniform and constant, as it echoed over the lake. It was so dark you couldn’t see the other side of the lake or even the next cottage.

“How cold do you think that water is?” Sidney finally asked as he took the last sip of liquid from the bottle. Just the thought of its temperature made Emily curl into Sidney more. It was thanksgiving weekend. It was pretty much agreed that after mid-September the lake became to cold to swim in. By the end of November it would be frozen over.
She even shivered at the thought, “not much above freezing.”
“That can’t be right.”
She felt his warmth leave as he bent down to touch the lake with his fingers. Immediately he shook the cold water from his hands, taken back by just how cold it was. “It’s no where near freezing but it’s pretty cold.”
The boy took one look at her bundled in her school sweater and smirked. He pulled his own sweater over his head and his shirt with it. The removal of clothing continued until he was in his boxers.
“Are you insane?” Emily cried out as she watched him. It was impossible not to know what was coming next. He was going to get in the water.
“I am not insane. Look how dark it is out here.”
It was true; she could only see his contours where the moonlight touched him everything else was one big shadow. But what did that have to do with how cold the water was?
She watched in confusion as he walked to the start of the dock. He turned to face her and the water. His smirk grew, visible only just in the darkness. It was hard to make out his features but it was easy to see what he did next. His boxers dropped to the ground and he ran off the edge of the dock. The shock grasping Emily so fully it seemed to all occur within the blink of an eye. The splash sprayed droplets of the cold liquid on her as she stood and stared at the white rings of waves.
“That felt good.” Sidney laughed as he surfaced and looked at his friend. He could be this Sidney with her and it was part of why he loved their friendship so much. Down here at her cottage, with each other, they could do or be whatever they wanted to without fear of judgement.
“No. It is official. You’re crazy.” But she was laughing and he knew she was tempted to follow his lead.
“Come on. It’s liberating.”
“Liberating? No thanks. I feel plenty liberated watching your pale ass in the water.”
“Do I have to come up there and get you in here myself?”
“You wouldn’t.”
As if to prove he would he started swimming towards the wood.
“Ok. Ok.” Emily glared jokingly at him before turning around. She pulled her sweater over her head. Then came her shirt. As it lifted the moonlight kissed her smooth curves until she was just in her underwear and a bra. He looked where he knew her birthmark was but couldn’t see it in the shadow. Then she made her way to the start of the dock. “Okay you have to turn around while I get my running start.”
Sidney was pretending to look away but he couldn’t help but sneak glances from the corner of his eye. Her bra fell to the floor, then her panties and he could hear her feet run along the wood, increasing speed before silence and then a loud splash. She came up for air with a grin on her face. The feeling of the cold water against every inch of her skin was, in fact, a very liberating feeling and only when it was pitch black like it was would she ever dream of such a thing.
It was the first and only time they saw each other naked in their teenage years. The image of each other’s bodies was simple silhouettes outlined only where the cool light of the moon decided to fall. Sidney got a vague idea of the curvature of her breast but couldn’t see the freckles sprayed across her shoulders or length of her eyelashes. Even her nipples were hidden by shadow, remaining a mystery until many years later.

They continued to talk in the car for half an hour before she had to go. Sidney sighed but he understood. He just wished the next while didn’t have to be limited to snippets of conversations every few days.