To Fill the Void

The boys were playing some kind of zombie game on the big screen, as I made my way past the rowdy living room to the kitchen where I grabbed some of the cooked pizza and a bag of chips; trying to get out and back upstairs without being seen. That plan failed when I closed the fridge to come face to face with a bored Pat, his face set into an unhappy smile as he leaned against the counter.

“What’s wrong, Patty?” I asked, trying to make this conversation short. His eyes met mine; taking in the assortment of food I was holding. Pat’s frown turned into a curious grin, crossing his arms as he eyed me.

“The guys gave up on the movie, thankfully. But I have seen them play this game too much. Now, you answer something for me; where is John?” He mocked, as I glared at him playfully.

“In my room,” I muttered slowly before making a run for the door, but his body easily blocked my way. Eying him, he held up his hands defensively, his smile not faltering as he moved for me to pass. “Don’t dare mention it to Damon.”

Not waiting for a reply, I made a mad dash back up the stairs, my breath became heavy as I made my way down the hallway. It had been awhile since I had actually looked around the house, given that I was either in a rush to get out of it or was locked in my room for the majority of the day when school wasn’t around. Now looking at the long hallway, everything began to flood back to my head, my stomach clenching as I slowly made my way down towards my room at the end.

I didn’t like being here, that wasn’t going to change. This wasn’t home anymore, no matter how much my brother referred to it as so. Home didn’t exist, belonging here didn’t exist. Arizona and I should never exist in the same sentence again; all it did was hurt, a lot. However, of course, Damon wouldn’t see that because I was too much of a hard ass in the first place. Whenever I reached out he barely touched my fingertips; he never understood.

The bag of chips was clenched between my fingers as I made my way down the hall, passing Damon’s closed door before coming to the door that stood untouched next to it. I hadn’t been in that room since the day my Hell began. As much as I resisted, my feet found their way toward the opening as my hand went to grab the knob, my stomach twisting in the worse pain as I felt the metal under my palm.

“You got the food!” John exclaimed from my now open doorway, his lanky body making its way to where I stood. My body shook, as he took the bag from my hand and replaced it with his own. John’s eyes fell on mine as I tried to avoid his eye contact, the pain growing too fierce and I knew he would notice if he hadn’t noticed the shaking. He did. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” my voice quivered before I handed him the food and made a dash to my bedroom and pushed the bathroom door open.

He didn’t need to see this; this in general didn’t need to be happening. I heaved my insides out into the porcelain bowl, my knees against the cold tile as my head throbbed in rhythm with my stomach. Somewhere in between my groans and emptying the contents of my body, John had knelt beside me as I looked up through blurry eyes to see his green eyes watching me cautiously while rubbing soothing circles on my back. It felt nice, but caused my chest to fall under the pressure and my throat to burn.

John didn’t say a word as I flushed the toilet and made my way to the mirror around his crouched body. Brushing the taste out of my mouth several times, I let out a sigh taking in my appearance in the mirror. My hair was a mess, my makeup had smudged from the rain and tears, and I just looked like a complete mess. The attempts at trying to clean myself up left me looking tired and depressed, which was just great as I only felt sick as hell. His reflection was behind my own as I looked up to see his worried expression looking down at my reflected eyes.

“Sorry,” my voice was above a whisper as I turned to lean against the sink, looking up at his face. Without one word, he grabbed my body lightly and pulled me into his arms, smoothing down my fallen hair. His touch sent a sensation through me as I felt everything settle, everything stopped hurting as it was filled with his smell and touch.

“Lay down, okay? I’ll get you some water, don’t eat.” John’s words seemed like air, as he gently guided me to my bed and laid me down. My skin instantly missing his warm touch as he disappeared back into the bathroom, and I let out a sigh, trying to make myself comfortable in the sheets that surrounded me.

“Drink this,” he handed me a paper cup as he sat on the edge of my bed, watching to make sure I swallowed the water. The lurch settled as I placed the cup on the bedside table, wishing to grab the box that lay within its closed drawer, but let it go as John reached to mess with the IPod dock that sat next to my lamp.

“Music helps my stomach,” he cleared his throat before crawling into bed next to me. The television on the other side of the room was shut off, leaving us in the pale moonlight seeping its way through my window. Sweet lullabies filled the silence, as I turned in the sheets to face his body.

I didn’t want him to see this side of me; I didn’t want anyone to ever see this. John didn’t know me well enough to understand what was going on, and for all I knew he had no idea what exactly that was. However, I liked the way he cared, it was different.

Shadows were casted across his perfect face, as he stared above at the celing, both in thought and listening to the music coming from the speakers. My eyes wondered down his covered body, his hands resting on where his stomach would be, while his slender but muscled arms laid on his sides under his long sleeved shirt. Hair whipped at his face, enveloping his strong face. The beauty was breathtaking, as cliché as it was, but it made me clench a fist full of blanket at my chest. His eyes meeting mine at the small action.

He smiled lightly before pulling my body closer to his, a little nervous as he wrapped his arms around my tiny frame. Not once leaving his eyes, I tangled my legs with his and placed my arm on top of his. All thoughts left my mind as we lay engulfed in each other, his lips gently mouthing the words to the song playing.

“I'm closing your blinds; I'm shutting your eyes. And now I, I'm afraid I have to go.” The lyrics escaped past his lips soothingly, making my throat close as I stared at him; his voice was beautiful. A series of chills surged through my spines as he brought my hand to his lips, while I remained baffled at him.

“Please, don’t leave.” I found myself whispering, as he locked his eyes back with mine. My clenched hand began to tighten as my throat closed, regretting what I had said.

It was a song; he was just singing. I tried to convince myself, but the emptiness pulled at my corners, as I wanted nothing but this feeling of settlement when John was next to me to stay. My walls were caving in on me, and I didn’t like that it was doing so, but with John I felt fine. I felt weak and vulnerable, but didn’t care.

“Not unless you want me to,” John’s voice brushed my skin as he cupped my face and ran his finger across my cheek. A lot of people promised me the same thing, and never kept it.

But there was a tug of hope when John said it.

---

Seven Years Prior

Noises filled the house below as the little brunette curled herself in the sheets of her parent’s smell, it left a feeling of their presence in her crippled body. She entwined the cotton around her black dress that her grandmother had picked out for her to wear; a dress she never wanted to see again after this day. A feeling of peace idly made itself comfortable as the image of her parent’s lying on either side of her filled her closed eyes.

The “party” downstairs was filled with close friends and a few of the family that remained of the girl’s mother’s side of the family. Good words spoken, remorse, and a few tears shed was what this whole time together was about.

“To celebrate the life of her parents,” the old woman had said shakily, holding back tears from her wrinkled eyes. Ellie’s father had been the last part of her family left, besides Ellie and Damon, of course, but their father had been her only part of her lost husband. Death seemed to always take a toll at the Perez family.

“I miss you,” Ellie’s sweet voice whispered to the empty spaces on each side of her; her eyes still closed and the vision of her parent’s smiling faces played her mind. The young girl’s hands reached up to stroke her mother’s dark hair, looking into the green eyes that matched her own, while her other hand laid clasped in her father’s strong one.

The two adults were but a faint image, as the soon-to-be-thirteen year old tried to convince herself that they had never left. She was happy for the first time in a week and she was on brink of actual sleep, not the nightmare of the event that took the two away from her.

Soft purring interrupted her hallucination as her grandmother’s cat nudged itself against her face, leaving sheded hair in its path. Opening her eyes to see the large Persian where her father was supposed to be, she quickly sat up to find that she was alone; tears pulling at the corners of her eyes.

It had all been too real.

Balling up the sheets in her hands, Ellie buried her face into the sweet smelling pillows that lay on the bed. She closed her eyes and opened them repeatingly, trying to see her parent’s again but found nothing more than the lazy cat staring at her blankly with wide eyes. She couldn’t take it anymore as her shoulders began to shake and chocked sobs passed her lips, her mind going back to the reason why this all wasn’t real.

“It’s all my fault, I’m sorry.” Cries filled the tidy room, as she shook on the bed. The party below unaware to the fact that she had left in the first place as she cried every last tear until she was just crying tearlessly, her eyes stinging as her mouth grew dry. No one noticed that she was alone.

“I’m sorry.”

I shot up from the bed as the memory raced through my mind, tears pricking at the edges of my eyes as I quickly whipped them away.

The sun hadn’t yet awaked, as I sat up and ran my hands through my hair and over my face. It had to be at least six in the morning, as the house was silent except for the soft snoring next to me. Looking over my shoulder I saw John sleeping peacefully, his arm still wrapped around my waist despite that I had gotten up. John must have turned off the music after I had fallen asleep as the room was left in silence, motionless besides the rise and fall of John’s steady breathing.

I moaned at the pain in my stomach as I reached for the cup that still rested on the bedside from earlier, quenching the thirst of my sore throat. Running my hands through my hair once more, I sighed as John’s grip grew stronger on my body as he began to stir next to me. His hair was a mess as he sat up a bit with confused eyes before resting the tired green on me, making me draw in a breath.

“Good morning,” I greeted with a small smile, watching as his teeth shined in the dim light. The room was pitch dark, as he wrapped both of his arms around my waist without hesitation and pulled my body into his sitting figure.

“Waking me before dawn, woman.” His voice teasing, as I felt the fall of his sigh. I laced my hands with his, welcoming the closeness between us as I stared into the dark, thankful that he wouldn’t be able to see my saddened eyes. “Why are you up so early?”

My mind raced back to the memory, as I grabbed harder onto his hand as it replayed before my eyes. Two more weeks till it all came back again, and it was coming slowly as always. This was its way of torturing me every year, making me step closer and closer to the edge of the cliff where I would be over it in a matter of seconds, falling deeper into all the feelings I held inside. This is what it always did, and now that I was in Arizona it was coming harder than before.

“Just a nightmare,”