To Fill the Void

Present

Pushing the sunglasses up the bridge of my nose, I tucked some of my fallen hair behind my ear, before taking a long drag of the cigarette in my hand. Instantly, my nerves calmed and the hitch in my stomach lowered, as I scanned the blue water that looked to reach forever across the horizon. Breathing out, smoke swarmed around me, engulfing my face.

Deepening my feet in the sand, I laid back farther into the shadow of the chipping deck, as I closed my eyes. Alone for once. No one to yell at me for smoking or nag me about how I’m letting life pass me by, they never would be able to understand. Bringing the cigarette to my lips, I let out it’s smoke and breathed a sigh, as the smoke began to be the only thing I could smell, blocking out the sweet smell of the ocean.

“Ellie?” I heard the screen door open above me open, and my brother's footsteps as he called for me. Reopening my eyes, I looked through the cracks of the wooden boards above me to see his figure standing right outside the door.

Letting out an exaggerated breath, I crouched under the deck, throwing the cigarette to the ground as I dug my heel into where it landed. “Yeah, I‘m here.” I mumbled, as I stashed the box of cigarettes in my back pocket. Making my way out from under the deck, I stretched from bending over, and turned to walk up the old stairs.

“Uncle Shawn needs to talk to us,” Damon continued, his eyebrows scrunching in confusion, as he watched me come from under the deck. “What were you doing down there?” He crossed his arms across his broad chest, accusing me.

“Nothing, I just needed to get out of the heat.” I lied, as I tucked my hand in my back pocket, pushing the cigarettes deeper into my shorts.

“I smell smoke, Elizabeth. What do you have in your pocket?” He demanded, his eyes becoming stern as he stared me down. Dragging my flip flops across the deck, I walked till I was standing right in front of him and the door.

“Nothing.” I whispered, as I tried to walk around him to get out of there before he caught me, but with every attempt his body blocked me. After a war of shuffling back and forth on his feet, I managed to get past him, but all too quickly, he grabbed for my back pocket as I pulled the screen door to the house open.

“Smoking, Ellie? I thought you quit, do you know how bad this is for you?” He held the box up to me, and continued into his rampage of his dislike of me smoking, and how it effected my health. All I could do was stare at the floor boards as he continued to lecture me about how I was old enough to know better. I didn’t like making him mad, but every time I tried to explain the reasons I did certain things, he never seemed to understand.

“Damon, I know I‘m old enough to know better, but I‘m also old enough to make my own choices. I‘m eighteen, I can choose what I do, smoking is just one of those things.” I finally found the voice in me to say, as I looked up at him once more. I couldn’t read his eyes, but I knew somewhere inside them it showed hurt, because he was only doing this because he cared about me.

“You probably don‘t even remember what‘s coming up,” I whispered, walking away from him to the edge of the deck where I leaned on the railing. Picking at the chipping white paint, I could hear him walk over and take up the emptiness beside me.

“I do, but that’s no reason, Ellie.” His replied quivered as he remembered, but not once did I look up from the railing. Silence began to grow between us, as I kept chipping off the pieces of paint, watching them fall to the sand below. He was probably remembering what had happened, but it probably was never as fresh in his mind as it was in mine.

“Damon? Elizabeth?” We heard our Aunt call from inside the house. Moments later, her figure emerged behind the screen door, her face wearing a smile like usual and her hands were placed on her hips behind her. “Now, you kids come inside. Your uncle and I have some news to tell y’all.” She opened the door before waving her arm, welcoming us inside.

Pushing myself off the railing, I followed behind Damon’s tall figure into the small beach house. Once inside, the cigarette box in my brother’s hand caught my eye and I tried to make a grab for it before my aunt or uncle could see, but my brother looked over his shoulder and moved his hand just in time. He mouthed ‘No’ to me as he shoved the box into his front pocket, and I let out a heavy sigh before punching him in the arm.

“Elizabeth, don‘t fight with your brother, you‘re a young lady.” My aunt ordered, as she took her seat next to my uncle on the old sofa in the living room.

“Yes, ‘mam.” I groaned, as my brother grabbed one of my belt loops and pulled me down next to him on the love seat across from them. With my aunt you have to be lady like, which was one of the few things I hated about her. However, having lived with her for so long you have to suck it up and ‘mam’ her, before going and cursing under your breath about her when she’s left the room.

“Anyway,” My uncle cleared his throat before sitting up in his seat, clamping his hands together in front of him. “What your aunt and I wanted to talk about was, actually some really good news.” He smiled at my brother and I. “Elizabeth here, has gotten herself accepted into University of Arizona.”

My aunt’s smile widened, as my eyes grew huge. I was accepted to UA, when the only reason I applied was because Damon forced me to. I looked over at my brother who was smiling wider then I thought was manageable for person without getting hurt, and it made me want to regret ever filling out the application. The very reason I moved away and stayed with my aunt and uncle all these years, in their crammed beach house in Florida, was to avoid what happened there.

“This is great, Ellie! You get to come back with me in two weeks!” Damon grabbed my shoulders and hugged me. I frowned as he began to let go, I didn’t want to go back though.

“Yeah, its great.” I mumbled as he smiled at me. I had no idea what to do now. After all these years of trying to cope with what happened, nothing worked, but no one knew that. I ran away from it to try to keep moving forward, and yet my depression stayed with me every time something reminded me of that day. Now I might have to go back.

I looked at the smiling expressions lighting up my family's faces. I couldn't really hear what they were saying with all the thoughts arguing in my head, but when I refocused I could hear my aunt telling my uncle how proud she was of me.

"El, what's up? You seem out of it." Damon said walking towards me while my aunt went to the kitchen to prepare something to celebrate. I looked at him and offered a fake smile. All I could think in my head was "Damon you know what's up. You know exactly what's bothering me."

"It's nothing. I didn't think I would get accepted is all." Is what I finally said. I turned to walk towards the window. Looking out at the ocean I felt like the water, wanting to escape but always being pulled back in. I knew I didn't have many options though. No other letters had come in and I had to go to college.

"Damn it." I muttered under my breath, unheard by the happy group in the kitchen.

---

“Damon!” I called as I jumped onto my bed, laying on the now uncovered mattress, after having packed the sheets and everything away for my aunt. Staring at the ceiling, I waited for my brother to come through my bedroom door.

“Yes?” Damon came in a few minutes later, his long hair askew and wet, a towel wrapped around his shoulders. From my guessing he had either just gotten out of the shower or the water, but I didn’t care at the moment.

“Care to remind me why you leave so early to go back to school?” I asked letting out a sigh, as I continued to stare at the ceiling, memorizing the pattern in it. Tonight we would be getting on that damn plane, taking us back to Arizona, and I didn’t want to go, but had to.

“Because, Miss Loner Ellie, I still have friends there. You still probably do too,” he said as he began to dry his hair with the towel and sit at the edge of the bed.

“I haven’t been there in almost seven years, I doubt anyone remembers me. ” I directed my gaze at him before back at the ceiling, my tone emotionless.

“Well, grandma wants us to get settled in and for you to spend time with her before we are too busy with school.” Damon replied, looking over his shoulder, I could feel him staring at me. “She still lives in the house, Ellie.”

“Shit,” I breathed, “Thank god we get dorms, party!” I mocked a cheerful cry, I held my hands above my head before crossing them on my face.

“Well, about that..” he trailed off, I could feel him take his gaze off me and shift his weight on the bed. The usual hitch in my stomach raised in my stomach, making it worse then it had been two weeks ago. “Grams wants us to live with her.”

From his words, I sat straight up, staring directly at him with the utter most hatred. “We are living in that house?” I searched his eyes for the little bit of humor he must be playing on me. Of anything that were in his green eyes, nothing resembled humor but complete truth, making me claps my head in my hands.

“No, Damon, No.” I repeated shaking my head in my hands, “I‘m not going back.” Pushing myself off the bed I walked across the room to where my suite cases were set beside the door, grabbing two by the handle I walked them back over to my bed. Setting them down, tried to unpack them back into the drawers they belonged.

“Ellie, stop. You promised us you would go to college, me, Aunt Michelle and Uncle Shawn. You promised mom and dad.” he said as he got up and moved me aside, putting all the clothes I had taken out back into their place in the suitcase.

“You never can understand, Damon. I‘ve told you exactly why every year you asked me to come back with you.” I could feel the tears prick to my eyes, as my voice began to quiver. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he took the space next to me, wrapping an arm around my thin shoulders.

“I do understand, sis. They were my parent‘s too and I miss them too. Yes, I know everything in that house reminds me of them everyday, but it‘s like they are there again. For once I don‘t feel like they are gone, you‘ll see.” He stood up after pulling me to his side in a hug, grabbing the two suitcases I had next to me, he made his way for the door. “You can grab the other one and your carry on, but we‘re leaving soon.” He looked over his shoulder and smiled before disappearing down the hall.

Pressing my lips together, I chewed on my lip before getting up from where I sat. As much as he thought he understood, he didn’t, the whole reason had flown right over his head. The hitch in my stomach grew higher as I pulled the strap of my messenger bag over my shoulder, and grabbed the last suitcase by the door. Looking back once more into my old room, I shut off the light and closed the door behind me. Dragging the rolling suitcase behind me, I made my way down the staircase and out the front door onto the darkened gravel driveway.

“Here,” I forced a smile at my brother, as I handed him the suitcase in my hand. Closing the trunk of the old car, my brother walked around the opposite side of the car as me, as we went to get ready for the hour drive to the airport.

About ten minutes after we got into the car, my aunt and uncle climbed into the two front seats and we were off for the airport. With every sign reading another mile or so closer to the airport the feeling in my stomach grew and it was becoming harder and harder to ignore, which at a time like this I wished I had that box of cigarettes back from my brother, but knowing him he probably threw the perfectly good box away.

Looking around the car, no one seemed like they were going to start talking anytime soon, so I pulled out my IPod and stuck the headphones in my ears. Once the sweet melodies became the only thing I could hear, the hitch in my stomach seemed to grow less painful by the distraction, and I let out a sigh as I tuned back to my window. All the things I had once grown so used to were passing me by, and with every exit sign I grew closer and closer to leaving all of it behind.

Orlando National Airport
10 Miles

I can't believe I'm doing this.