To Fill the Void

“Excuse me, ‘Mam. Sorry to wake you, but we are about to land and the pilot has turned on the seatbelt sign.” I was woken up to face the overjoyed flight attendant and her forced smile. Rubbing at my eyes, I managed a nod as I turned in my seat, pulling my legs closer to my chest under the blanket.

“Damon,” I reached out my arm to shake my older brother awake. “Damon!” My voice was hoarse and groggily, as I called out his name. Letting out a groan I turned away from his stirring body, rubbing my eyes once more. I was never a morning person.

“What do you need, Ellie?” I heard Damon’s tired voice ask from his seat, as I felt him sit up in his chair next to me.

“For this damn plane to turn around.” I muttered under my breath, before turning to face him again. “Seatbelt sign, so I‘d buckle it before your ass goes flying.” I laughed groggily to myself, as he pushed my shoulder, making me groan.

“Well, at least you seem in a good mood.” he mumbled to himself, as I buckled the seatbelt around my waist, before curling back up into the airline blanket. Despite its scratchy and stiff material, it brought me warmth as I began to fall back into sleep.

Finding our luggage wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, and within ten or so minutes we had all that we had packed and were making our way out of the airport and to car pickup. My stomach turned as we stood in the hazy Arizona air once more, knowing that in thirty or so minutes I’d be pulling into the driveway of my old home. Playing with my nails, I rocked back and forth nervously waiting for my grandmother to show up. Thoughts swarming my head once more, I looked up every so often at the oncoming cars driving through the lanes.

Almost too soon, a familiar car entered the pickup lane, heading into our direction. “Damon, I really hope you have your car at the house, because I am not driving that thing to school.” I forced a laugh as my grandmother’s old 1978 Station Wagon pulled up in front of us. A tired but smiling, gray headed women sat behind the wheel, as the car stopped in a back firing jolt.

“Hi grandma,” I said through a forced smiled and clenched teeth, as the short old woman rushed out of the driver’s seat, and wrapped her small arms around me.

“Elizabeth! My sweet, Elizabeth, it‘s been so long. I‘ve missed you so much.” she gushed as she held onto me, turning my body side to side as she rocked. Resting my head on her shoulder, I breathed in the smell of Arizona with the mix of vanilla, the way my grandmother always smelled. All thoughts left my head as I let out a real smile, closing my eyes as I hugged her back.

“I missed you too, grandma.” I breathed into her hair, before she let go, hands still resting on my arms.

“You‘re so small,” she commented, as she looked me over. “Doesn‘t look like you took much from your father, he always was tall.” My heart broke at the mention of my dad, and my smile lowered a bit as I shrugged. “But your mother‘s eyes,” she continued, making me breath out a sigh. Everyone said that, at least the ones who knew my mother, and every time it was mentioned I couldn’t help but break a little bit more inside.

“Well, everything’s in the car.” I was glad for once that my brother had broken into our conversation, his hands on his hips appearing to be out of breath. With a smile, my grandmother let go of me as she gushed on about my brother, bringing him into a hug as well.

“I‘m going to be in the car,” I mumbled, opening the back passenger doors and climbing into the car. Cold air blew from the air vents of the old car, as I strapped myself in, pulling my jacket closer to me as I got a cold chill. Rubbing my bare legs, my brother and grandmother slid into the front two seats and we turned into the slow moving lanes.

“When I heard you were coming, Elizabeth, I was so excited. It‘s been so long, and every time your brother comes to stay with me while he‘s in school, I always tell him to bring you, but you always seemed so caught up in school down there.” My grandmother started the conversation as we slowly made our way out of the airport.

“Yeah, it’s been quite hectic.” I murmured, as I looked out the window into the night. Truth is, it wasn’t hectic, I just never wanted to come back. However, I just couldn’t find it in my heart to tell her that, I knew it would break her since we were her only family left. “But I‘m glad to be back.” I forced a smile as I saw her glance in the review mirror back at me.

“I‘m glad.” She smiled as she honked at the car in front of us who was starting to swerve across the lane. We were on one of the old roads that not a lot of people took anymore since the highways, so it wasn’t as crowded, but with the lack of light I couldn’t help but feel nervous. “Get off the road, you drunk!” she yelled at the car in front of us, before blaring her horn again.

“You haven‘t changed, grandma.” I snorted, as the black slick car finally pulled off so the side of the road. My brother in the front seat turned to smile at me as I continued to laugh at my grandmother.

“Now, that’s something nice to hear.” Damon commented as I found my laughing begin to die off. Offering him a half smile, I turned back to face the window watching all the cactus and desert began to pass by and we came to the welcome sign of Tempe.

My stomach began to double harder in knots, making the pain worse as memories began to rush into my mind. Pushing them down, I crossed my arms nervously over my stomach, staring out the window as lights began to shine around us. We were passing over the Tempe Town Lake heading into town, and even at the time of night it was, the town’s lights shined brightly, as I watched all the familiar shops and clubs pass by. I watched as couples and groups of people walked around laughing as they enjoyed their evening, my stomach twisting as I remembered some faces and the shops that my parent’s used to take me to.

“Elizabeth? Are you listening?” I tore my eyes from the window to look at my grandmother, who was staring at me through the review mirror once more.

“Uh, yeah. Sorry.” I answered quickly, as I continued to ball the top of my jacket in my hand at my chest. “I was just looking around, it‘s changed a lot.” I muttered as I looked back out the window watching as we turned a corner and began to make our way out of the town and once again into the dark.

“Yeah, that‘s what happens when you haven‘t been here in seven years, darling.” My grandmother smiled at me, as she drove us on towards our old housing development. Within minutes I’d be back at the house with all the memories, where every inch of the place would make me want to hate myself more. But, maybe this could be good for me, maybe I could get a new start. Maybe.

“I haven‘t touched your room, girly. Except make your bed, which we may need to get you a new one. Heaven knows how old that one is.” My grandmother informed me as the desert turned to a mix of forest and the old development’s sign came into view. Pulling into the cement walled community; streetlights shined the way as we pulled onto Maple Drive, driving down the dead end street.

The houses hadn’t changed from what I could tell, and at this time of night no one was out, only a few lights in some houses were still on. Blowing my bangs out of my face, we came to the end of the street. Taking in the aspect of the house hurt, remembering all the times my family and I had taken photos in front of it or decorated it for all the different holidays. I remember smiling and laughing, hearing my mother laugh and my dad hold me as I hung the Christmas reef above the stairs.

“We‘re home.” I heard my brother cheer, as my grandmother pulled up into the driveway. The porch lights shined proudly, revealing the porch, as a light inside the house escaped through the door and windows. The house looked exactly how I remembered it, my mom had been so happy when my father surprised her by buying it for her when I was eight, and now it looked like it hadn’t even aged a bit. Inside me, I felt the urge to run inside the house and throw open the door as one of my parents would be on the other side with open arms, smiling and holding me, but I knew that no one would be behind that door.

Slamming the car door shut, I shoved my hands in my jacket pockets, despite the heat. I heard my brother’s padded footsteps stand next to me, as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “I know it brings back a lot, and it may hurt, but it‘ll pass. You‘ll see.” He said staring up at the house, before letting go of me as he went to the back of the car to help my grandmother with the bags.

“Uh, grandma, you don‘t really have to help.” I said scratching the back of my neck, pulling at the hair that escaped the bun at the nap of my neck. For as old as she was, I didn’t want her to hurt herself taking in all my heavy shit.

“I‘m okay, Elizabeth. I may be old, but I have all the strength as I did when I was young.” she said pulling out one of my suitcases. “How about you go put up the cat before he runs off, while we start bringing in everything.” She smiled, handing me the keys.

“Sure.” I replied, side glancing at my brother before making my way up the brick stairs, and unlocked the door. Hesitating to turn the knob, I finally opened the door to be welcomed by the cool AC.

Nothing in the house had changed, even after all the years, our pictures still hung along the hallway and up the staircase to the rooms above. Setting the keys on the coffee table against the wall, I grabbed the picture that caught my eye setting on the old mahogany.

My thumb brushed against its glass casing, as I stared down at the picture in the frame. My dad and Damon stood smiling in their swim trunks in the clear blue water, holding the ten year old me on their shoulders, my hair stringy as I held up my two hands in peace signs, my tongue sticking out the side of my smiling mouth. My mother sat in a pink inner tube in front of us smiling along with the rest of us. Damon, only thirteen in the picture, was just starting to grow out his hair, as it plastered across his forehead, and my dad’s hair stuck up in weird places. The only normal looking one being my mom, as we smiled at the camera in the Bahamas.

I sucked in a quivering breath as I felt the tears begin to prick at the edges of my eyes, not able to hold them back, a few slid down my cheeks onto the photo. Brushing away the tears, I sucked it up, setting the photo back down on the table. I didn’t have time to cry at the moment, I’d save that for later, because all the remorse was beginning to build up once more.

“Here, Kitty-Kitty.” I called as I walked through the rest of the house, turning on lights as I entered a new room. I couldn’t remember the name of the cat; I only remembered that he had been old when I had last seen him at my grandmother’s old house. “Kitty-Kitty.” I made ‘tsking’ sounds with my tongue, as I continued through the house. Most of the doors to the different rooms were closed, leaving me with the bottom floor, as I found the old peppered Persian cat sitting lazily on the arm of the couch in our living room.

“Come here.” I whispered to the old fat cat, gathering him in my arms as he meowed at me in response. Walking down the hall and taking a left on the next inner section, I walked to the end of the hall and set the grey fur ball on the bathroom floor before closing the door. Making my way back down the halls I stepped out of the open front door and into the humid July night.

“I never knew the house was so big.” I commented to my brother as I grabbed the rest of the bags, following my grandmother and brother into the house. Closing the door behind me, I set the bags down next to the rest at the foot of the stairs.

“Any house looks big compared to the beach house in Florida.” My brother responded turning to face me, before grabbing most of his bags and began to carry them up the stairs.

“Well, once you kids get settled in, I‘d get to bed. That’s where I‘m headed, it‘s already almost eleven.” My grandmother said as she turned her eyes back on me from the clock above the archway leading to the living room. Walking around my bags, she wrapped me in a hug before going up the stairs calling goodnight.

Breathing a heavy sigh, I grabbed two of the four bags of mine and began to make my way up the staircase and to my room at the front of the house. Smiling at the embarrassment of myself, I snickered seeing the sign reading ‘Do not enter: Ellie’s room! That means no Damons.’ in my sloppy hand writing. Opening the door, I was sent a chill as I flipped on the light to my old room.

The room was still a light ocean blue, filled with all the memories of my childhood. Most of the walls were covered with posters of different bands or celebrities I used to like, one being Brittney Spears which I immediately walked across the room to take down. Rolling it up and bouncing it off my other open palm, I looked around the room at all my old belongings. Some of my old stuffed animals rested above my bed on the white wall length shelf, and under them hung all my school certificates, pictures, and some of my soccer medals. My book shelves held various CDs, video tapes, and books, along with a few of my soccer trophies. Everything was here. Nothing touched, nothing moved; It was as if I had just got up and left, leaving everything behind. That was exactly what I did.

I sat on my old blue comforter that lay on my bed, as I grabbed my old teddy bear that I had left. “Hi there, Cuddles.” I breathed, before smirking at my inner kid. Bringing the bear to my chest, I looked around the rest of the room, my stomach twisting in pain. My eyes began to water and I quickly got up to leave the room, going down the stairs to get the rest of my things.

It hurt to be home.