To Fill the Void

“Elizabeth!” My grandmother’s voice broke through my dreamless sleep, as I rolled over onto my back in bed. Grabbing my clock I read that it was eight in the morning, as I squinted and groaned as light seeped into my room from the three windows. Staring at the pointed ceiling I let out a heavy sigh.

“Yeah grandma?” I called back, as I threw my legs over the side of the bed and onto the hard wood floor. Rubbing my eyes, I walked across my room and out my closed door.

Walking down the hallway, I didn’t notice anyone in front of me as I ran right into someone’s hard chest. Without even one glance at the person hovering over me, I was pulled once more against the chest, the breath being knocked right out of me. His muscular arms were crushing me against him, as I felt him laugh deeply.

“Ellie!” his deep voice called, as he let go of me and I looked up at the boy. His chestnut hair wisped across his forehead and framed his slender face that held a white smile, his blue eyes twinkling. I have no idea who this guy is.

“Uh, hi?” I said confused, rubbing my eyes to make sure I wasn’t imagining anything. But sure enough he was still standing there, smiling like an idiot. “Do I know you?”

His smile seemed to falter a bit before it returned with his response. “It‘s Garrett, I know its been forever, but how can you forget me? I‘ve been your brother‘s best friend since, god knows when.” He patted my bare arm, as he tried to convince me into remembering him. I did, but then memories began to flood back into my mind, hurting my stomach.

“Garry?” I asked, a smirk appearing on my lips, remembering how he used to hate how I called him that. “I still don‘t forgive you for breaking my wrist!” I narrowed my eyes at him, remembering my ninth birthday.

“So you remember that, but you couldn‘t even recognize me?” he asked running his hand through his hair, making it stick up in every direction.

“That was my first ever trip to the hospital for a broken bone! Never will I trust you on a skateboard; you pushed me into a tree.” I made hurt eyes at him, but breaking at the site of his face. “Plus, you‘ve gotten old, not my fault.” I laughed as he looked at me in disbelief, even though he was only a few years older than me.

“I take that offensively.” He crossed his arms over his chest, as my brother’s bedroom door down the hall opened. His bed head sticking out around the door frame looking at us.

“Good.” I muttered as my brother made his way down the hall. He greeted Garrett with a yawn before ruffling my hair, and the two made their way back down the hall and into Damon’s room.

A sudden rush of nausea came over me as I returned back to reality of where I was, and I quickly ran back into my room and into the attached bathroom. This was way out of hand, I thought to myself as I stared at myself in the mirror in annoyance, the sound of the toilet flushing dying out.

As much as it hurt, it never hurt this bad, never did it make me get sick. Maybe I just needed some air, as miserable as I was, there had to be something here in this town that made me feel a little bit better about being here.

Brushing my teeth in a hurry, I remembered that my grandmother had called me, and ran down the steps two at a time. Jumping off the last two steps, my feet landed with little sound on the hard wood in the foyer.

“Grandma?” I called as I made my way through the bottom floor of the house looking for the small old women. Smiling, I looked out the sliding glass doors connecting the kitchen to the pool patio. Beyond the pool’s screening, was my grandmother bent over my mom’s old flower bed. The flower’s shined brightly in the sun, reflecting all its colors, and I couldn’t believe my grandmother still maintained it.

Slipping out the glass door and around the pool, I walked across the crisps grass barefoot to where my grandmother was, clipping some of the freshly bloomed roses. “Those were always mine and mom‘s favorite.” I commented, as my grandmother held a bunch of white roses in her glove covered hands.

“I remember.” She looked up smiling at me, my stomach twisting once more. But I couldn’t help but smile back. “She always picked the loveliest of the bunch.”

My grandmother admired the roses she had in her hand, the thorns already picked off, she handed them to me. “For a new beginning.” my grandmother whispered to me, as my breath got stuck in my throat.

Forcing a smile in return, I muttered that I was going to find a vase to put them in before turning back to the house. Finding one of my mom’s old vases in one of the kitchen cabinets, I filled it with water and placed the roses in, before turning my back leaning against the counter. The last time I had seen so many white roses, was the day I had cried till I had nothing left in me, my parent’s funeral. Just remembering all this, I needed to smoke, or anything else that could get my mind off of all this. I needed to get out.

“Hey Ellie, we are going into town, wanna come?” Garrett asked from the kitchen doorway where he was twirling my brother’s car keys in his hand. My brother soon appeared next to him, grabbing the keys from his hand.

“Yeah, I need to pick up something anyway.” I said relieved, pushing myself off the counter, I walked past the two and up the stairs to get changed.

Ten minutes later, after the two boys yelling up the stairs that I was taking forever, we were in my brother’s black Camry. It was way too flashy in my opinion, but he had raised the money just to buy the thing. The radio filled the car as Damon and Garrett sang to most of the songs between small talk, leaving me in the backseat staring out the window.

“I‘ve got a surprise for you, small fry!” Garrett called as the song they were singing ended, and he turned in his chair to face me in the back.

“Oh gees, don‘t tell me I‘m going to be visiting the hospital sometime soon. And I'm not that short!” I smiled at him, before looking back out the window as we entered town.

“Well, I can‘t promise you anything.” he laughed as my brother pulled up to one of the old coffee shops, the two boys cheered as they stole the parking space from some other pissed off driver.

Stepping into the Arizona heat, I mentally thanked myself for wearing shorts and a tank top, nothing flashy, but light enough. Walking instep behind the two towering guys, I was relieved to feel the cold AC of the shop hit my skin, sending a series of goose bumps up my arms. Following the boys, I found myself walking to a booth along the bricked wall, to a table that was occupied by a small brunette girl.

Her head was down, reading a small book in front of her, as her small hand cupped around her coffee. I was about to slap Garrett across the face, as he slammed his hands down on the table, making the girl jump, her green eyes widening, but she wore a smile as she looked over at my brother. Her eyes drifting over to me standing behind him, widening even more as her smile grew huge looking at me.

“Ellie!” she screamed before her tiny little body slammed me to the floor. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me and this girl, who was crushing my insides out as she hugged me. Feeling uncomfortable, I tried to force a smile as the boys helped us two up. My brother’s fingers lacing with the girl who had mauled me.

The way her voice sounded and the flecks of gold that shown in her eyes reminded me of one of my old best friends, and I couldn’t help but let her name escape my lips.

“Brookelle?” my voice was quiet, but the girl smiled back at me nodding. “Oh my god! I haven‘t seen you since- Oh my god you‘ve changed- You were just- Whoa, why are you and my brother holding hands?” I rambled on uncontrollably, before I took notice to the swinging laced hands of my brother and Brookelle.

“I think I forgot to mention that to you..” My brother’s voice trailed off, as I turned my gaze to him, narrowing my eyes. “We are kind of dating.” Damon finished blushing, as Brookelle smiled widely.

“Oh.. Thanks for telling me, now!” I couldn’t help but laugh, feeling awkward. Never did I think my brother would end up dating one of my best friends. Especially one that I barely recognized, but that was the same for her cousin.

“So you‘re not mad?” my brother asked as we all slid into the booth, my brother sitting next to his girlfriend, as I sat across with Garrett.

“No, actually relieved. When you didn‘t mention any girls when you got back from college during the summer, I was starting to lean towards the idea that you were gay.” I laughed, as Garrett went into an uproar beside me, Brookelle blushed looking down at the coffee in her hands.

“I‘m actually far from it.” Damon smirked, making eye contact with Brookelle. My eyes grew huge as I caught onto what he was mentioning, and I couldn’t help but gag.

“Dude, she‘s my little cousin!” Garrett’s voice turned stern, as he stared down at the older boy in front of him. The air between us became awkward as we all went silent. I felt uncomfortable and I could tell Brookelle was too, by the way she was staring at the design on her coffee cup as if she was memorizing it.

“Well,” I broke the silence, since no one would. “Brookie, as much as I hate to say this, want to go shopping?” The tiny brunette instantly perked up at my words, and I rolled my eyes, I hated shopping. Before I knew it she was jumping up and down in her seat, like a little kid, pushing Damon nearly off his seat trying to get him to move.

All of us went into an uproar, as my brother fell on his ass out of the booth, and Brookelle walked casually over next to where I stood. I swore we were going to get kicked out, if we hadn’t walked out, at the sight of the manager making his way towards us.

The rest of the day was torture, but I did have fun for once in a long time, with my old best friend. Between talk of what had been going on since I left, she forced me into dressing rooms or made me try on an assortment of things.

By the time we went to meet up with the guys at the car, I was tired out, ready to go home for once. However, I was happy when we had walked to the gas station beside one of the boutiques Brookelle had dragged me into, and I was able to buy my cigarettes, which were now hidden deep down in my plastic shopping bag. By force, Brookelle bought me a shirt that supposedly looked good on me, despite how I hated the fact it was strapless, as my “Welcome the fuck back Ellie.” gift. Which with a sharpie she found on a shelf, she managed to write on the white bag. But like many people who knew, she was disappointed at the fact of me smoking, but promised not to tell my brother; as long as I loved her more then my best friend back in Florida, Tony.

“So you guys are coming to John‘s birthday party, right?” Brookelle asked, as she sipped endlessly on her smoothie that was had gotten before we met the boys. Her free hand was laced with my brother’s once more, and I couldn’t help but think it was adorable.

“I don‘t know a John.” I said stupidly as my brother cut into my reply.

“Yeah, Garrett and I were just talking about that.” Damon smiled at his girlfriend, leaning in to kiss her. I quickly turned away, making gagging noises as Garrett laughed walking me to my brother’s car.

“Who‘s John?” I asked a little curious, as he opened the front passenger seat door for me.

Leaving my legs hanging out of the car door, I stared up at him as we waited for my brother and his cousin. Garrett’s hair shining in the sun a light brown with a bit of a red tint, the same way Brookelle’s did when we were younger, he gave me a half smile.

“One of our friends,” he stated a matter-of-factly, leaving me hanging.

Shrugging I pulled my legs into the car, waving at Garrett and Brookelle, as my brother started to pull the car out and onto the main road. My stomach began to turn at the thought of going back to the house. For once in a long time, I was able to go throughout most of my day without the constant reminder of the crash and my parents, but now that Brookelle was gone and I was headed towards home, I felt the rise in my stomach make itself comfortable. Instantly I made a grab for my bag that held my precious cigarettes, but remembered I was in the car with my brother, and shoved the bag back under my feet.

“Do I have to go to Jason‘s party?” I asked, not quite sure if I got the kid’s name right. Staring out the window, the sun began to set, turning the sky into a blend of orange and pink. Beautiful.

“It‘s John, and yes. It‘ll be fun.” Damon smiled, as he turned from the road to look at me. I didn’t know the guy, so I didn’t even see why I had to go. Even if it was supposedly going to be fun, I would feel awkward being around people I didn’t know.

“I don’t want to go.” I muttered, as I continued to stare at the window.

“Ellie, you are going. I told Brookelle you would, she‘s excited. She‘s you‘re best friend, and if you haven‘t noticed I kind of like her a lot. Please, for once, don‘t be a kill joy.” he tried his hardest not to sound like he was pleading. “You get to meet new people, maybe make some friends.”

“Whatever.” I sighed, I wasn’t a kill joy. I just wasn’t someone to go out partying every weekend.

“Thank you.” Damon replied, running his hand through his hair, as if I was causing him stress. I couldn’t see how I was, when he was putting all of this on me, when he should have known how I felt. But of course he didn’t. My stomach began making flips as our house came into view, and my chest began to ache.

I need a cigarette.