To Fill the Void

My head was pounding, it felt as if I had been hit multiple times with bricks. My eyes were itchy probably from my makeup that still remained on them, as I rubbed them with my lids still closed. I felt like I was sleeping on tile flooring, the surface under me was slick and cold, but my head rested on something soft and comfortable, heat seeping from it onto me. I could feel something wrapped around my waist, as I pulled myself closer to the heat, feeling the rise of goose bumps on my legs. Whatever this was, it was comfortable and I could feel the rise and fall of my breathing against theirs. It felt nice.

Letting out a groan, the pain in my head became too much, as my eyes fluttered open. What I pictured to see when I woke up was the ceiling of my old bedroom, not the green wallpapered bathroom of someone else’s home. Despite the pain in my head, I sat straight up in the tub with a jolt trying to figure out where I was, but instantly became dizzy as I got the urge to throw up.

Within seconds I was over the toilet heaving up little of what I had eaten, remembering that the night before I had been at this party, where it was obvious now that the alcohol had worked.
I grabbed at my hair as the pain in my head felt like a bad migraine, and I was glad that the lights in the bathroom were cut off.

“Oh my god,” I moaned as I sat on the edge of the tub, before flipping on the light switch. My eyes were closed as I felt the coolness of the bathtub under my feet, and it was when I reopened them that I spotted the boy sleeping inches away from me. His long legs were thrown over the tub, his head resting against the wall, hair askew as he slept. Something white covered his entire body, as I stared down at him.

What the Hell happened? What the Hell is he covered in?

Piecing it together in seconds, I realized the breathing thing was him and a rush of panic went through my body. I barely remembered the events from last night after Garrett left me, but as the boy began to stir, everything rushed back into my head.

John’s face turned to confusion as he moved his extended arm closer to him as if pulling something, the one that had been wrapped around me while we were sleeping. All I could do was stare at him as his eyes eventually fluttered open, and his eyes soon rested on me.

“Morning.” he sighed as he stretched out his lanky body, before smiling his crooked grin at me.

Continuously staring at him, I managed a small wave as he got out of the tub and stretched his full body hearing the pops of the joints. Turning my gaze to the bathtub in front of me, I stared down at it without looking at him.

“Ellie, are you okay?” he asked, and I could feel him place his hand on my shoulder behind me. The touch itself sent butterflies through my stomach, but I pushed them aside, as I turned to look up at him. I didn’t need this.

“Whatever happened last night, I was drunk.” I said as I stood up, barely reaching his shoulder as I continued to stare at him. His reaction was confused, his eyebrows pulling together, until he realized what I was talking about.

“No! No, that didn‘t happen! I wouldn‘t of let that happen, I mean wait, yes I would. Not that I didn‘t want it to happen-” he rambled on, as I stared at him and couldn’t help but laugh. Running his fingers through his hair, he finally calmed down to look down at me. “It didn‘t happen, trust me.”

“That‘s good.” I said patting his back, as I stepped around him and out of the small room. My head was killing me, as I made my way to the kitchen looking through the cabinets till I found the small box of Tylenol. I mentally screamed ‘yes’ as I held it in front of me with a smile, exactly what I needed. I then went searching through the cabinets for a cup, but before I could, a glass full of water was held in front of my face.

“Thanks,” I muttered to John, as I took the cup from his hands, throwing the pills in my mouth and swallowing them. Staring at him over the rim of the cup, I shifted on my feet uncomfortably, as he kept his eyes on me.

“I‘d call your brother.” he mumbled as he walked away, sitting at the kitchen table.

“Oh shit,” I sat the cup on the counter, as I grabbed my phone out of my pocket to see that I had over ten missed calls. “I‘m dead.” I muttered, running my fingers through my hair as I listened to the ringing of the phone, until it was answered immediately by an angry voice.

---

“So, you slept with John?” Brookelle giggled from where she sat across the room on my bed, jumping giddily. I rolled my eyes, sucking on the cigarette between my fingers, I breathed its smoke out the open window. Shifting my body on the window seat, to where I was facing her.

“No, I did not sleep with him. He said I didn‘t at least. All I remember is walking into the bathroom after he left, and sitting on the ledge of the tub, then I guess I fell.” I said bringing the cigarette to my mouth once more, watching as her face scrunched up at the smell of it.

“Sure, you didn't.” She laughed, lying back on the bed, her hair sprawled out around her. This was her third time asking me to tell this story since it happened a week ago. I was honestly getting fed up with it, I didn’t care much that it had accidentally happened. What happened, happened.

However, it was clear that Brookelle took it as something completely opposite of what it was.

Turning my gaze back out the window, I ignored what she was implying and continued to breathe in the smoke surrounding me. A cool breeze blew through my open window, as I stared out at the light blue sky, trying to avoid my friend’s stare. Soon my brother’s car came into view down the street, and I instantly shot up from where I sat, grinding the cigarette into the ash tray, hiding it in my nightstand drawer. Flapping my arms around me, trying to get the smell of the smoke out of my room, Brookelle handed me the can of air freshener, not looking up from her magazine.

“Can you still smell it?” I asked, my stomach flipping, as I heard the car door close below.

“No, chill out or he‘ll know.” She turned a page, before looking up as my door opened to reveal my brother. A smile grew on the small brunette’s face as she ran over and hugged him.

Appearing over them was Garrett, as he shoved passed them revealing the ginger from the other night.

“Ellie!” Garrett smiled, before pulling me up from where I sat and into a hug. He was acting like I didn’t see him every day, but it felt nice to be missed.

“Hey there, Garry.” I hugged him back, before he let me go and was about to point over to where Jared was to introduce us, before I cut him off. “Hey Jared.” I managed a small wave, and the boy looked confused before remembering who I was.

“You‘re John‘s tub girl!” he exclaimed with a laugh, and I literally smacked myself in the forehead as I shook my head. The others just laughed, as my brother’s face was put into a grimace. I was already in trouble for it, and he already thought it was something more than it was, like his girlfriend. I would never hear the end of it.

“Well,” Garrett broke in, putting his hand on the small of my back as he continued. “would you girls like to come with us? Us geniuses have talked your brother into getting a tattoo.” My eyes grew wide, as I burst into laughter, only imagining my brother getting a tattoo. He was too much of a goody-goody to ever get one, but once I saw that his face was serious, I could only laugh a bit more.

“Alright, I want to see this!” I smiled at them, which they returned. Guiding me with his hand on my back, Garrett pushed us all out of the house and into my brother’s car. As we all piled into my brother’s car, I was stuck in the back between the two boys, knowing that this was going to be some drive to the tattoo parlor.

----

I watched as my fidgeting brother walked to the back of the small parlor, taking a seat in a black chair as Brookelle stayed by his side. The boys next to me were trying to cover their snickers at my brother’s fright, as I sat messing with the bottom of my shorts. I was only here for a few minutes and after the guys talking about ideas of what Damon was going to get, I felt uncomfortable. He was going to get something for our parents, which of course Jared had to ask why, and then the story was told as I stood behind them at the counter, pushing down the lump in my throat.

Letting out a sigh, I found myself staring at the bracelets ringing up my arms as I detached myself from the boys’ conversation. The parlor was empty, except for the two guys working their shift, and music played from behind the counter. Covering the dark auburn painted walls were pictures of different bands, tattoos, and just pictures in general, and the music just would make any preppy girl want to get the hell out of the place.

Blowing my bangs out of my face, I saw that the counter was empty and decided to consume my time in looking at the tattoo designs that were mounted behind and on the counter. Not even noticing me getting up, I left the boys, patting my hands against my thighs as I walked to the counter.

Some of the designs were pretty cool and I could imagine myself getting one, but I doubted that my brother or grandmother would like it, or even allow me to get it. My fingers scanned across the counter top, until my eyes drifted to the ones under the category of ‘In Loving Memory’ and I began to feel the tears prick my eyes as my hand began to shake.

“Looking for anything in particular?” The boy caught me by surprise, as I clutched my hand at my sides. He a little taller than me and held a smile that could make any girl melt, as he held his arms out of the counters ledge leaning on them. Looking up into his eyes, I couldn’t help but think of John as I felt my eyes boring into him.

“Uh no,” I stumbled, placing a piece of my hair behind my ear looking down at my shoes, noticing that I had been staring too long. “Sorry.”

“It‘s okay, I‘m guessing your waiting for the guy over there?” he nodded his head in the direction of Damon, his dark brown hair falling into his face in the process. I barely nodded my head as I watched him, and returned his smile.

“I‘m Adriane Howell.” he held out his hand to me, which I took. His hand was so much bigger then mines, as it wrapped around it completely, but was warm. “The guy back there is my older brother, Eric. He owns the place.” he said motioning to the big bald man tattooing my brother.

“Elizabeth Perez, that’s my big brother, Damon. The one who your brother is restraining.” he laughed as we looked over at my brother who was completely tense in his seat. “I don‘t see a resemblance.” I mentioned as I looked at the much bigger guy, compared to the skinny one across the counter.

“I‘m only twenty, and he‘s thirty-five?” he scratched the back of his neck cutely, before returning his gaze to me. “Not many people see it, he looks more like our dad.” I nodded as I watched him, and our conversation continued.

By the time Damon was done, I was practically bending over the counter laughing at what Adriane was telling me. And was surprised when my brother patted me on the back, tears in his eyes from the pain, telling me that he was done. I simply nodded before he showed me the tattoo on his right collarbone, the words ‘Never Forgotten’ were written under the plastic cover, as the date of my parent’s death stood in smaller letters. The date made me suck in a breath and my eyes began to water, before I muttered to him that I’d pay for it, forcing a smile.

“You okay?” Adriane asked as I shoved my wallet back into my back pocket. His voice was sympathetic, and I hated when people gave sympathy to me for no reason.

“I just need to smoke.” I said a little shakily, but remembered that my brother was with me and that I couldn’t. Fuck.

“A date. Lost someone close, I guess.” he pressed, as he made his way around the counter and in front of me. “I was the same when I turned sixteen, my dad finally told me the real reason why my mom died.” his voice was small, and I found myself placing my hand on his arm as I stared at the floor.

“Seven years ago we lost our parents.” I said, trying not to give the boy I barely knew too much. I didn’t like talking about it, and didn’t want to tell someone I only knew for thirty minutes.

“While my mom was giving birth to me, she passed away. I never could stop blaming myself for taking her life, and I tried whatever I could to block out that feeling from eating me alive, smoking, alcohol..” His voice trailed off, as I found myself being able to relate to him.

“What made you finally stop-”

“Ellie, lets go! We are going to go to the pizza parlor in town! And I‘m starving!” Garrett whined from the door, as he smiled not noticing the scene in front of him. I simply waved my hand, telling him that I’d be there in a second.

Turning back to Adriane, I felt him reach into my front pocket pulling out my blackberry, before typing into the phone. “Call me and I‘ll show you.” he gave me a weak smile before waving as I walked out of the parlor and into the Arizona sun.