Status: Short story.
You're No Longer My Dad
One short little thing.
I find it rather hard to fake a smile when I go out in public. It is difficult considering what I went and am going through daily. There was more regret pointed at me, than the love I should have got from my father. My father degraded me as a child and also as a teenager. From the time I was 7, to right now at the age of 16 years old, he still treated me like nothing. If I didn’t get a 100% or an ‘A’, he would claim I was an idiot. “A stupid pathetic excuse of a daughter I never should have had”, he would tell me. If you were in my shoes, going through this, what would you have done? I didn’t know what to do. I was completely lost. ‘Feeling like a complete let down’ so my father would say. When I look at it, I had lost my hero, the man who was supposed to keep me safe at night and fight off the bad guys who hurt me. But no, he’s gone. My dad’s and I relationship was decent. We laughed and played, but after he started working night shifts, things were no longer the same between us. He grew mean and angry all the time. I noticed all of this occurred right after my mother had just delivered my new born baby sister in 2000. Things had been rough before this, but after, it was just all out of proportion. My mom had to take care of a new born, me, and above all try to figure out what’s happening to our family. My mom would just say, “Why? Why me?” after that she would cry while I was watching my sister sleep. I didn’t know how to comfort my mom, I was only seven. Now when I look at it, I have no father any longer. He told me he was always there for me, but he never truly was. For him calling me an idiot and that I was meant for nothing, I dropped contact with him on March 2011. I got done with him calling me names that he had no reason to be calling me that in the first place. As hard as it is, I miss him. I just wish he was my hero again, not the villain he turned out to be.
To start off, my mom had me, my new born sister, and a mysterious husband roaming about at unknown hours to worry about. I was only 7 years old at the time, but it feels as if the memories only happened yesterday. Things were not exactly perfect before everything happened but it was nice while it lasted. My parents and I would go to different places, just to have fun. Go to Chucky E. Cheese, go bowling, laughing at any random silly thing I would do. I was in love with making home videos, I would always capture both my parents being all in love and saying I love you to each other. It’s amazing what can happen within just a couple months of Daddy dearest working the night shift and a new born sibling can do to drive our family apart. For a 7 year old I was feeling neglected by both my parents. How could I, a little 7 year even cope what was going on? No one is there for me like before. I was starting to think both of my parents didn’t want me any longer. That I was wasting their time, and that I was just a waste of space in their house. My family was falling apart, and I didn’t want that. No body wants there family torn apart. I know I sure didn’t want that, never did. It felt as if my new born baby sister was replacing me. I was not only losing a Dad, but losing the attention from my Mom. The only real person that was still there, but was soon fading away because of all the drama. And when they both pay attention it’s either for me to clean up the mess I made, or to be quiet because my sister was sleeping. Isn’t that wonderful? A 7 year old not knowing what to do, for every time I did something I was shot down. I couldn’t even paint a pretty picture with a smile on my face. After the yelling every night, I knew my family wasn’t going to be one any longer.
Meanwhile, my father degraded me to much. He would make me feel stupid, worthless in his eyes. By all his torment and hurtful things he would say, they were getting to me. As if the words were embedded into my brain; playing those words like a broken record over and over again in my head. Even making me feel like an absolute nobody to anyone that was in my view. As if I didn’t belong to be his daughter. That even my name was to disturbing and rotten to speak of to people or say when he would talk to me. He wasn’t my Dad anymore, he was a monster. He became one, so evil, so full of hatred toward everything. I did not know this man. He drove me and his small family away by the way he was acting. I didn’t want to be known to him as an ‘idiot, an absolute good for nothing!’ I tried my best, but my best was not cutting it for him. I couldn’t be perfect, no one was. Well, he thought he was perfect which is actually really pathetic for anyone to say, because no one is. I know for sure as ever that he wasn’t Mr. Perfect number one dad. This man was not my father. A father loves and supports, not degrades and says hurtful things. I don’t know who this man was, but he was a complete stranger to me.
Lastly, I have no father anymore, as of May 2011. I dropped my contact with him, due to calling, texting, seeing him at all. I don’t want to talk to him, or even have anything to do with him. Since I was tired of being treated the way I was, I talked to my cousin and she explained my ‘right’s’. My cousin works for Child protective services and explained since I am of age, I no longer have to see my father. That since I was being abused mentally, that I don’t have to deal with him. My mom understood what I was doing. My father didn’t want that, but he should have thought that before he called me an idiot and such. But now I have no relationship with him. I don’t want one with him, and no one can change my mind. Wouldn’t you want to be away from a monster like that? He completely ruined me; by the way I am and think. Don’t think so? Well, you don’t have my mind. When you enter it, you hear the mocking of my Dad’s voice but it’s only his voice and then there is mine. I was starting to believe that I was worthless and stupid to live. My dad would say he was there for me, but he never truly was. Only at one o’clock in the morning then back to work. To the woman he was cheating on my mom with, yes she worked with him. That’s the only reason why he chose to work late. It made me feel weak, pathetic, lonely, not knowing what to do, even as a 16 year old. I’m still a kid! What am I supposed to do? Smile, and pretend that I’m happy. That’s all I can do until my father stops tormenting me and shows at least an ounce of support, but I guess not. So now, no contact with that man. I don’t want to hear his name. Do I miss him? Of course, I mean he was my dad. But I just expected more of a father figure then this load of crap he showed me. No man or father should treat their daughter that way to the point where she wants to put a razor to her wrist and do the unthinkable. I did it, and let me tell you it’s not worth the regret.
The regret that was directed toward me has been decreased. For now, every time I look in the mirror I smile. I talk to someone about what I went through. They listened to me and helped. I now take my medication, in which you do not need to know what kind, and I see my therapist at least every month to do a check up. My dad’s voice and my other multiple voices are still here, telling me things I wish not to say. But I shake them off, I write to express my feelings when I’m feeling down or anything. I do something right, and I believe in myself. Also, I have more support then I would have ever predicated. Everyone knows what my father did, the way he treated me and how his words affected me horribly. Now when I need someone to help me or talk to, someone is there for me. Lastly, I smile more and I mean it. I can laugh without the worry. I can now enjoy my life, instead of being depressed and so isolated among myself. I have a shield that as if blocks out the sad. It breaks down sometimes, but I don’t let it get out of hand. Even thinking about the change I made, makes me smile. I have my self confidence back, just in May of 2011. I gained it back, not you, certainly not my dad, I did. And I can assure you, no one will take back what’s rightfully mine. No more cutting, burning, the mocking is fading, and my tears are not shed every night when I can’t sleep. I smile, laugh, I have people who surround me and love me for me. I proved I am not worthless, I never was. I just had to believe in myself. Where is my Dad you may ask? With the women he cheated with and their two kids. So now it is only me and my little sister and Mom. What gave my confidence back; well I took faith in myself. My mom helped me realize that a lot. She never gave up on me, even when I did, she just couldn’t. So basically in the end, if I can do it, so can you. Don’t doubt yourself, and don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do anything. Prove them wrong; just don’t let them get the best of you. The biggest fear is losing yourself; just pick yourself up and keeping moving no matter how difficult the road is.
To start off, my mom had me, my new born sister, and a mysterious husband roaming about at unknown hours to worry about. I was only 7 years old at the time, but it feels as if the memories only happened yesterday. Things were not exactly perfect before everything happened but it was nice while it lasted. My parents and I would go to different places, just to have fun. Go to Chucky E. Cheese, go bowling, laughing at any random silly thing I would do. I was in love with making home videos, I would always capture both my parents being all in love and saying I love you to each other. It’s amazing what can happen within just a couple months of Daddy dearest working the night shift and a new born sibling can do to drive our family apart. For a 7 year old I was feeling neglected by both my parents. How could I, a little 7 year even cope what was going on? No one is there for me like before. I was starting to think both of my parents didn’t want me any longer. That I was wasting their time, and that I was just a waste of space in their house. My family was falling apart, and I didn’t want that. No body wants there family torn apart. I know I sure didn’t want that, never did. It felt as if my new born baby sister was replacing me. I was not only losing a Dad, but losing the attention from my Mom. The only real person that was still there, but was soon fading away because of all the drama. And when they both pay attention it’s either for me to clean up the mess I made, or to be quiet because my sister was sleeping. Isn’t that wonderful? A 7 year old not knowing what to do, for every time I did something I was shot down. I couldn’t even paint a pretty picture with a smile on my face. After the yelling every night, I knew my family wasn’t going to be one any longer.
Meanwhile, my father degraded me to much. He would make me feel stupid, worthless in his eyes. By all his torment and hurtful things he would say, they were getting to me. As if the words were embedded into my brain; playing those words like a broken record over and over again in my head. Even making me feel like an absolute nobody to anyone that was in my view. As if I didn’t belong to be his daughter. That even my name was to disturbing and rotten to speak of to people or say when he would talk to me. He wasn’t my Dad anymore, he was a monster. He became one, so evil, so full of hatred toward everything. I did not know this man. He drove me and his small family away by the way he was acting. I didn’t want to be known to him as an ‘idiot, an absolute good for nothing!’ I tried my best, but my best was not cutting it for him. I couldn’t be perfect, no one was. Well, he thought he was perfect which is actually really pathetic for anyone to say, because no one is. I know for sure as ever that he wasn’t Mr. Perfect number one dad. This man was not my father. A father loves and supports, not degrades and says hurtful things. I don’t know who this man was, but he was a complete stranger to me.
Lastly, I have no father anymore, as of May 2011. I dropped my contact with him, due to calling, texting, seeing him at all. I don’t want to talk to him, or even have anything to do with him. Since I was tired of being treated the way I was, I talked to my cousin and she explained my ‘right’s’. My cousin works for Child protective services and explained since I am of age, I no longer have to see my father. That since I was being abused mentally, that I don’t have to deal with him. My mom understood what I was doing. My father didn’t want that, but he should have thought that before he called me an idiot and such. But now I have no relationship with him. I don’t want one with him, and no one can change my mind. Wouldn’t you want to be away from a monster like that? He completely ruined me; by the way I am and think. Don’t think so? Well, you don’t have my mind. When you enter it, you hear the mocking of my Dad’s voice but it’s only his voice and then there is mine. I was starting to believe that I was worthless and stupid to live. My dad would say he was there for me, but he never truly was. Only at one o’clock in the morning then back to work. To the woman he was cheating on my mom with, yes she worked with him. That’s the only reason why he chose to work late. It made me feel weak, pathetic, lonely, not knowing what to do, even as a 16 year old. I’m still a kid! What am I supposed to do? Smile, and pretend that I’m happy. That’s all I can do until my father stops tormenting me and shows at least an ounce of support, but I guess not. So now, no contact with that man. I don’t want to hear his name. Do I miss him? Of course, I mean he was my dad. But I just expected more of a father figure then this load of crap he showed me. No man or father should treat their daughter that way to the point where she wants to put a razor to her wrist and do the unthinkable. I did it, and let me tell you it’s not worth the regret.
The regret that was directed toward me has been decreased. For now, every time I look in the mirror I smile. I talk to someone about what I went through. They listened to me and helped. I now take my medication, in which you do not need to know what kind, and I see my therapist at least every month to do a check up. My dad’s voice and my other multiple voices are still here, telling me things I wish not to say. But I shake them off, I write to express my feelings when I’m feeling down or anything. I do something right, and I believe in myself. Also, I have more support then I would have ever predicated. Everyone knows what my father did, the way he treated me and how his words affected me horribly. Now when I need someone to help me or talk to, someone is there for me. Lastly, I smile more and I mean it. I can laugh without the worry. I can now enjoy my life, instead of being depressed and so isolated among myself. I have a shield that as if blocks out the sad. It breaks down sometimes, but I don’t let it get out of hand. Even thinking about the change I made, makes me smile. I have my self confidence back, just in May of 2011. I gained it back, not you, certainly not my dad, I did. And I can assure you, no one will take back what’s rightfully mine. No more cutting, burning, the mocking is fading, and my tears are not shed every night when I can’t sleep. I smile, laugh, I have people who surround me and love me for me. I proved I am not worthless, I never was. I just had to believe in myself. Where is my Dad you may ask? With the women he cheated with and their two kids. So now it is only me and my little sister and Mom. What gave my confidence back; well I took faith in myself. My mom helped me realize that a lot. She never gave up on me, even when I did, she just couldn’t. So basically in the end, if I can do it, so can you. Don’t doubt yourself, and don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do anything. Prove them wrong; just don’t let them get the best of you. The biggest fear is losing yourself; just pick yourself up and keeping moving no matter how difficult the road is.
♠ ♠ ♠
This is real. I wanted to show the world how my father is a monster.-Allie.