It hurts
it hurts
It hurts…
I never realized before that day, because it seemed like I was doing fine. Maybe it was just my own body fooling me. I now like someone else, but somehow my heart can’t totally commit to that. When I saw him Saturday my heart was beating harder than I wanted. Just seeing his face made me happy and sad at the same time. I thought I was over him and I was moving on, like he did. But my heart decided to take a step back again and make me miserable. My breath stopped when I saw his face, he was looking straight at me before turning back to his friend and laughing again. It felt like he was making a fool of me. Like he was saying: ‘Look at her, she actually thought I could like her’ And just thinking about that my breath stopped and my stomach went heavy. I swallow, while my mouth is dry as a desert. My eyes tear up and my mouth drops into a frown. I want to cry, I want to crawl into a corner and just cry my guts out. But I try to stay strong like I always do. My friends tell me I should just get over it, since it has been more than half a year. I look at my phone, hoping to just get one more text or call from you, telling me that it has all been a joke and that you do want me. Even though I know that won’t happen.
A part of me regrets deleting your number, while I know it was the right thing to do. I know I have to get over you and I try so hard. But lately my lips quiver when I hear about someone with the same name as yours. Or when I see someone who resembles you just the slightest bit. Every face seems like yours to me. While I am lying in my bed right now I can only think about you. I look at my laptop screen, hoping to see that you will IM me something. And this all while I know you deleted me from your life. I just wanted a chance with you, because I love you. And I know I said love instead of loved, but I’m just not over you yet. When you see me, can you tell I’m not myself? Can you see the pain inside my eyes? I wonder if you do…
Here I am once again, standing there across the room. My eyes unfocused on everything but you. Everything around me fades and even you get blurry when my eyes tear. I mumble an excuse to go to the toilet. I walk by you, bumping into one of your friends. My eyes look up, I mumble a sorry and walk further. Knowing I’ve been caught crying, knowing nobody cares. I just try my hardest to keep the tears from flowing freely until I reach the toilets. I look in the mirror, the black eyeliner I applied before is making my cheeks black. My brown eyes shine with water and my lips quiver even worse than before. I remember the words I wrote in my journal about him when it happened. How happy he made me and how glad I was he noticed me and wanted me too. While now all the words I write in my journal are just sad and painful. I realized now that I was truly broken. I wiped away the tears and smudged eyeliner with water. My eyes red and puffy from sadness. I tried to make a smile appear, but it looked more sad and fake than a plastic flower. I took a deep breath and opened the door to the toilets. I was met by a face from a boy leaning against the wall opposite of the door. The face was concentrated on me, just like I had longed to see. His eyes filled with sadness, like he regretted something. I looked back with all the pain and hate in my heart, showing him how much he had done to me, how fragile he had made me. “Some days I wish I never met you.” I whispered, but he heard. “Some days I wish that you hadn’t met me as well.” he said back, his voice steady unlike mine. I looked at his eyes, a pain I could see in them I had never seen before, a pain close to mine. He pushed himself from the wall and engulfed me in a hug and I just cried and cried. I knew I had to get over him, he was telling me so with this. But for tonight he’d just let me cry and let my feelings get out and for now that was enough for both of us.
I never realized before that day, because it seemed like I was doing fine. Maybe it was just my own body fooling me. I now like someone else, but somehow my heart can’t totally commit to that. When I saw him Saturday my heart was beating harder than I wanted. Just seeing his face made me happy and sad at the same time. I thought I was over him and I was moving on, like he did. But my heart decided to take a step back again and make me miserable. My breath stopped when I saw his face, he was looking straight at me before turning back to his friend and laughing again. It felt like he was making a fool of me. Like he was saying: ‘Look at her, she actually thought I could like her’ And just thinking about that my breath stopped and my stomach went heavy. I swallow, while my mouth is dry as a desert. My eyes tear up and my mouth drops into a frown. I want to cry, I want to crawl into a corner and just cry my guts out. But I try to stay strong like I always do. My friends tell me I should just get over it, since it has been more than half a year. I look at my phone, hoping to just get one more text or call from you, telling me that it has all been a joke and that you do want me. Even though I know that won’t happen.
A part of me regrets deleting your number, while I know it was the right thing to do. I know I have to get over you and I try so hard. But lately my lips quiver when I hear about someone with the same name as yours. Or when I see someone who resembles you just the slightest bit. Every face seems like yours to me. While I am lying in my bed right now I can only think about you. I look at my laptop screen, hoping to see that you will IM me something. And this all while I know you deleted me from your life. I just wanted a chance with you, because I love you. And I know I said love instead of loved, but I’m just not over you yet. When you see me, can you tell I’m not myself? Can you see the pain inside my eyes? I wonder if you do…
Here I am once again, standing there across the room. My eyes unfocused on everything but you. Everything around me fades and even you get blurry when my eyes tear. I mumble an excuse to go to the toilet. I walk by you, bumping into one of your friends. My eyes look up, I mumble a sorry and walk further. Knowing I’ve been caught crying, knowing nobody cares. I just try my hardest to keep the tears from flowing freely until I reach the toilets. I look in the mirror, the black eyeliner I applied before is making my cheeks black. My brown eyes shine with water and my lips quiver even worse than before. I remember the words I wrote in my journal about him when it happened. How happy he made me and how glad I was he noticed me and wanted me too. While now all the words I write in my journal are just sad and painful. I realized now that I was truly broken. I wiped away the tears and smudged eyeliner with water. My eyes red and puffy from sadness. I tried to make a smile appear, but it looked more sad and fake than a plastic flower. I took a deep breath and opened the door to the toilets. I was met by a face from a boy leaning against the wall opposite of the door. The face was concentrated on me, just like I had longed to see. His eyes filled with sadness, like he regretted something. I looked back with all the pain and hate in my heart, showing him how much he had done to me, how fragile he had made me. “Some days I wish I never met you.” I whispered, but he heard. “Some days I wish that you hadn’t met me as well.” he said back, his voice steady unlike mine. I looked at his eyes, a pain I could see in them I had never seen before, a pain close to mine. He pushed himself from the wall and engulfed me in a hug and I just cried and cried. I knew I had to get over him, he was telling me so with this. But for tonight he’d just let me cry and let my feelings get out and for now that was enough for both of us.