Blue
iv
I can hear the water before we even get to the cliffs.
We stand at the edge of the cliffs, staring at the water and at each other as if we’re unsure of what to do. Below us, the anger that is the water surges and beats against the rocks with a kind of vengeance that makes me feel sick. The currents that pull the waves out and push them back in are visible, long strands of dark, churning water that go far out to sea. My eyes follow them out for what has to be miles, losing them amongst the waves somewhere just before the end of the horizon line. Against the noise of the water, I can hear my heart beating, quick and out of rhythm and my head is filled with worries. This isn’t safe. There’s no telling how quickly the currents move and, though Mom had forced me into swimming lesson, I haven’t swam in the ocean in years. My mind swims for some kind of excuse of how I can get out of it, but I can’t find one.
Jeremy, the tallest of the group, is the first to speak up. “Who’s jumping first?”
No one says anything. We all stare down at the water, still and quiet.
After a moment, Chris straightens and pulls his shirt over his head, throwing it to the ground beside him. “I’ll go.” He looks back at me and offers an un-reassuring smile, taking a few quick steps forward. He’s gone within seconds, hair streaming out behind him.
My brother’s jumping seems to prompt some kind of reaction within the group—two, three and four more jump in after him, shouting out just before they reach the water. I watch as they bob up after several seconds, moving to swim back toward the shore. Chris looks back up at me and gives me a thumbs up, which I reply to with a quick nod. I find myself completely alone on the cliff after what seemed like a couple seconds, my toes hanging off the edge of the rock and my heart thundering in my chest, the lone noise I can hear above the sound of the waves. My stomach rolls.
I try a running start, taking one short breath before I start to fall. The air around me rushes, loud in my ears and cold on my skin. I straighten my legs just before I hit the blue of the water, welcoming the cool of the water and the silence that engulfs me once I’m submerged. The cold of the water seeps through my clothing and paralyzes me for a moment, holding me in place.
An image of Mom flashes through my mind and then Ian, smiling, on the night before it had happened. He had told us a story over the dinner table, almost laughing too hard to speak. Chris and I had been wrapped up in a conversation about colleges, his chances of being recruited to play football somewhere. We hadn’t been paying attention—what had Ian been talking about? The words slip away from me and float off into the current, the blackness of my mind…something about his soccer team. He had played for the rec league in town—a center forward, but I had never been to any of his games. Mom used to brag about him to all of her friends, something about his grades and his sports and how all of his teachers loved him. I had hated him for it, though he was only eleven years old. Why? I had always pushed him away. A sob rises in my throat and I gasp, inhaling water and coughing up the last breaths of air in my lungs.
The water fights back as I push to the surface, forcing me down as I try to climb upwards. My lungs burst, pain searing through my chest and into my throat as I kick and swim. Something’s holding me down. Mom’s smiling face and Ian’s laughter float through my mind, present even as I scream against the currents and the waves that push and pull me in every direction. I force my eyes open, salt water burning as the two meet. Blue is everywhere, light coming from one direction and then the next. Pain surges through my body when I reach the surface, tears streaming down my face and my clothes weighing me down in the cold water, pulling me back under. I kick and push at the water, trying to get away from the rock surface inches before me.
Another waves hit before I can react, the water swallowing me whole and pulling back under the surface. My body hits the rock and then I’m sinking, the light of the surface fading and the darkness of the deep water closing in around me. Mom’s face is in front of me again, smiling and welcoming me in, her arms open. She pulls me into her, her arms comforting against the turbulence of the ocean. But something pulls me from her, away from the darkness and toward the light, warmth against the chill. Her smile fades into a frown, tears pooling in her eyes and coursing down her cheeks. The water around her turns red, the noise of screaming and crying filling my ears. I push against whatever is pulling me from her, desperate to get back to her, kicking and screaming and pulling.
And then I’m above the water, my heart pounding and my body shaking. Every breath that I try to take in brings water with it, choking me. Something pulls me still, away from the cliffs and the waves and from Mom. Two arms are wrapped around me, gentle but strong, hot between the cold.
We stand at the edge of the cliffs, staring at the water and at each other as if we’re unsure of what to do. Below us, the anger that is the water surges and beats against the rocks with a kind of vengeance that makes me feel sick. The currents that pull the waves out and push them back in are visible, long strands of dark, churning water that go far out to sea. My eyes follow them out for what has to be miles, losing them amongst the waves somewhere just before the end of the horizon line. Against the noise of the water, I can hear my heart beating, quick and out of rhythm and my head is filled with worries. This isn’t safe. There’s no telling how quickly the currents move and, though Mom had forced me into swimming lesson, I haven’t swam in the ocean in years. My mind swims for some kind of excuse of how I can get out of it, but I can’t find one.
Jeremy, the tallest of the group, is the first to speak up. “Who’s jumping first?”
No one says anything. We all stare down at the water, still and quiet.
After a moment, Chris straightens and pulls his shirt over his head, throwing it to the ground beside him. “I’ll go.” He looks back at me and offers an un-reassuring smile, taking a few quick steps forward. He’s gone within seconds, hair streaming out behind him.
My brother’s jumping seems to prompt some kind of reaction within the group—two, three and four more jump in after him, shouting out just before they reach the water. I watch as they bob up after several seconds, moving to swim back toward the shore. Chris looks back up at me and gives me a thumbs up, which I reply to with a quick nod. I find myself completely alone on the cliff after what seemed like a couple seconds, my toes hanging off the edge of the rock and my heart thundering in my chest, the lone noise I can hear above the sound of the waves. My stomach rolls.
I try a running start, taking one short breath before I start to fall. The air around me rushes, loud in my ears and cold on my skin. I straighten my legs just before I hit the blue of the water, welcoming the cool of the water and the silence that engulfs me once I’m submerged. The cold of the water seeps through my clothing and paralyzes me for a moment, holding me in place.
An image of Mom flashes through my mind and then Ian, smiling, on the night before it had happened. He had told us a story over the dinner table, almost laughing too hard to speak. Chris and I had been wrapped up in a conversation about colleges, his chances of being recruited to play football somewhere. We hadn’t been paying attention—what had Ian been talking about? The words slip away from me and float off into the current, the blackness of my mind…something about his soccer team. He had played for the rec league in town—a center forward, but I had never been to any of his games. Mom used to brag about him to all of her friends, something about his grades and his sports and how all of his teachers loved him. I had hated him for it, though he was only eleven years old. Why? I had always pushed him away. A sob rises in my throat and I gasp, inhaling water and coughing up the last breaths of air in my lungs.
The water fights back as I push to the surface, forcing me down as I try to climb upwards. My lungs burst, pain searing through my chest and into my throat as I kick and swim. Something’s holding me down. Mom’s smiling face and Ian’s laughter float through my mind, present even as I scream against the currents and the waves that push and pull me in every direction. I force my eyes open, salt water burning as the two meet. Blue is everywhere, light coming from one direction and then the next. Pain surges through my body when I reach the surface, tears streaming down my face and my clothes weighing me down in the cold water, pulling me back under. I kick and push at the water, trying to get away from the rock surface inches before me.
Another waves hit before I can react, the water swallowing me whole and pulling back under the surface. My body hits the rock and then I’m sinking, the light of the surface fading and the darkness of the deep water closing in around me. Mom’s face is in front of me again, smiling and welcoming me in, her arms open. She pulls me into her, her arms comforting against the turbulence of the ocean. But something pulls me from her, away from the darkness and toward the light, warmth against the chill. Her smile fades into a frown, tears pooling in her eyes and coursing down her cheeks. The water around her turns red, the noise of screaming and crying filling my ears. I push against whatever is pulling me from her, desperate to get back to her, kicking and screaming and pulling.
And then I’m above the water, my heart pounding and my body shaking. Every breath that I try to take in brings water with it, choking me. Something pulls me still, away from the cliffs and the waves and from Mom. Two arms are wrapped around me, gentle but strong, hot between the cold.
♠ ♠ ♠
comments/criticisms?