The River
Chapter 6
Jake went to Alan’s place to the sole intention to tell him the truth. He wanted to hurry up back to Daniel. He needed the boy’s presence.
Went he got there Alan was not home.
That’s when the inevitable happened. Alan’s mates were doing drugs. He said yes to them.
Different thoughts ran through his head that day and several days after. He thought about his mom, about Tina. But most of all he thought that he didn’t love Alan. He wanted Daniel with all his might. His drug addicted brain would think of him in the long periods when all he could do was have sex. Jake could not get over him.
But those days turned into weeks.
He became a shadow of himself. All the things that surrounded him didn’t have edges anymore and they seemed so friendly and warm. All the boys had Daniel’s voice and his features. The streets he was sleeping on seemed nothing compared to the hunger he felt when he didn’t have crystal.
He kept searching, hungry, thirsty and forever unsatisfied.
The yelling was normal these days. Ever since Jake dropped by and put Daniel’s life on a spin yelling made a day full.
Liz wasn’t angry on Daniel how could she be, it was the first time he was wrong. She was angry on the whole wide world. She couldn’t take sides, not in this.
Alan was devastated. Throwing Jake back on the streets had been the most filthiest and heartbreaking gesture he had to do.
How can you leave an addict to himself? How can you not help him?
When he rushed to Lars’ house late at night to ask for their advice they all concluded Jake was too low to be saved.
Alcohol, sex and crystal – no one thought he could be saved.
It seemed somewhat unfair to Lars the way Alan got over the whole deal.
He couldn’t understand why the boy didn’t feel guilty, after all he took Jake in a house with guys that did drugs and most of all Alan knew they did it.
“I can’t believe you washed your hands so fast after all this? Don’t you care that’s your fault he’s so low? Don’t you have a damn heart?”
“What would you have me do? Sink with him?”
“What would I have you do? You had feelings for him and when he’s in trouble you ditch him!! How can you do this? How can you be so heartless?”
Lars looked for him. He didn’t give up the hope he would see him. He knew he wouldn’t sink if they met. He’d never give up his edge for this.
Daniel just listened to him ramble. Lars knew Daniel was hurt. He knew Daniel still loved Jake, that he hoped somehow to make him live again.
How is it when you sink so low? How do you feel when nothing is treacherous and murderously painful? You want to stay there. You feel beautiful, you feel wanted, you feel the touches burn your skin. You feel perfect! You are perfect! You are God!
When the height goes you don’t feel the perfection but you crave for it and you start looking.
Jake wasn’t sure he liked boys but when doses became fewer and fewer he offered his body like it was a rag doll.
“Payment first.”
He got his drug and then what happened to him didn’t matter.
For a drug addict it doesn’t matter if it’s night or day, if it hurts or not. When what he got was lousy drugs and the trips got worse and worse thousands thoughts filled his head and made him go to sleep in a bathtub or when he didn’t have one on the ground or cold concrete.
In the bathtub he’d play in his mind all the little details in which he would kill himself, but the drug conquers cells in a human’s body one by one and therefore he gets his own will.
Like a virus, every time Jake was with the razor at his veins determined to stop the mayhem, the drug cells fought in him and conquered. He’d rise and search again.
On other nights when he’d just lay in drug bliss he’d imagine killing Daniel and Alan and Lars and all the boys and girls he grew to like. He would imagine dragging their lifeless bodies to his mom’s home and build and altar for the righteous woman on earth.
With the coming of the dawn his tired body stumbled to a garage and slept until dirty hands would turn him over and abuse him. Usually he’d catch a glimpse of a policeman suit, but he could never tell and he didn’t care.
Went he got there Alan was not home.
That’s when the inevitable happened. Alan’s mates were doing drugs. He said yes to them.
Different thoughts ran through his head that day and several days after. He thought about his mom, about Tina. But most of all he thought that he didn’t love Alan. He wanted Daniel with all his might. His drug addicted brain would think of him in the long periods when all he could do was have sex. Jake could not get over him.
But those days turned into weeks.
He became a shadow of himself. All the things that surrounded him didn’t have edges anymore and they seemed so friendly and warm. All the boys had Daniel’s voice and his features. The streets he was sleeping on seemed nothing compared to the hunger he felt when he didn’t have crystal.
He kept searching, hungry, thirsty and forever unsatisfied.
The yelling was normal these days. Ever since Jake dropped by and put Daniel’s life on a spin yelling made a day full.
Liz wasn’t angry on Daniel how could she be, it was the first time he was wrong. She was angry on the whole wide world. She couldn’t take sides, not in this.
Alan was devastated. Throwing Jake back on the streets had been the most filthiest and heartbreaking gesture he had to do.
How can you leave an addict to himself? How can you not help him?
When he rushed to Lars’ house late at night to ask for their advice they all concluded Jake was too low to be saved.
Alcohol, sex and crystal – no one thought he could be saved.
It seemed somewhat unfair to Lars the way Alan got over the whole deal.
He couldn’t understand why the boy didn’t feel guilty, after all he took Jake in a house with guys that did drugs and most of all Alan knew they did it.
“I can’t believe you washed your hands so fast after all this? Don’t you care that’s your fault he’s so low? Don’t you have a damn heart?”
“What would you have me do? Sink with him?”
“What would I have you do? You had feelings for him and when he’s in trouble you ditch him!! How can you do this? How can you be so heartless?”
Lars looked for him. He didn’t give up the hope he would see him. He knew he wouldn’t sink if they met. He’d never give up his edge for this.
Daniel just listened to him ramble. Lars knew Daniel was hurt. He knew Daniel still loved Jake, that he hoped somehow to make him live again.
How is it when you sink so low? How do you feel when nothing is treacherous and murderously painful? You want to stay there. You feel beautiful, you feel wanted, you feel the touches burn your skin. You feel perfect! You are perfect! You are God!
When the height goes you don’t feel the perfection but you crave for it and you start looking.
Jake wasn’t sure he liked boys but when doses became fewer and fewer he offered his body like it was a rag doll.
“Payment first.”
He got his drug and then what happened to him didn’t matter.
For a drug addict it doesn’t matter if it’s night or day, if it hurts or not. When what he got was lousy drugs and the trips got worse and worse thousands thoughts filled his head and made him go to sleep in a bathtub or when he didn’t have one on the ground or cold concrete.
In the bathtub he’d play in his mind all the little details in which he would kill himself, but the drug conquers cells in a human’s body one by one and therefore he gets his own will.
Like a virus, every time Jake was with the razor at his veins determined to stop the mayhem, the drug cells fought in him and conquered. He’d rise and search again.
On other nights when he’d just lay in drug bliss he’d imagine killing Daniel and Alan and Lars and all the boys and girls he grew to like. He would imagine dragging their lifeless bodies to his mom’s home and build and altar for the righteous woman on earth.
With the coming of the dawn his tired body stumbled to a garage and slept until dirty hands would turn him over and abuse him. Usually he’d catch a glimpse of a policeman suit, but he could never tell and he didn’t care.