You Can't Tell Me to Heal

“John, did you sleep at all last night?” Halvo asked, stumbling into the kitchen at seven in the morning. We worked everything out. From the way he talked about Avery, I knew he didn’t mean it. I can’t believe I never figured it out for myself, though - that he was Avery's best friend, Eric. I guess I blew everything out of proportion. I just…I cared about Avery so much, it scared me. “John?”

“Hi,” I mumbled, looking around until I saw where Halvo was.

“Ok, you are in desperate need of some sleep,” Halvo said sternly, but he was so sleepy himself I couldn’t take him seriously. “Why didn’t you sleep?” he yawned, making some coffee. Bright idea.

“She said she’d come back.” Halvo frowned, perplexed. “Avery called Shannon and asked if I wanted her to come back, so I said yes, of course,” I elaborated. “I’m waiting for her.”

Halvo scratched the back of his head and rubbed his eyes. “You really like her, don’t you?”

I smiled tiredly. “Make some damn coffee, Halvo.”

He chuckled but did as I instructed in silence. I honestly didn’t mind that Avery took my car. I’d rather her take my car than walk or anything like that. And I distinctly remember leaving my wallet in there, so she’d have money if she needed it. I hoped to god she was safe and that nothing happened to her. She refused to let Shannon come with her, probably because she knew I talked to Shannon, too. She was out driving god knows where all by herself. I wonder if she knew how much she was worrying me.

I ran a hand through my hair. After coffee, I’d go take a shower. “You’re gonna do a lot of sucking up and groveling, aren’t you?” Halvo joked, handing me a mug of coffee and pushing the sugar and creamer towards me. “Here’s to my whipped best friend,” he teased, raising his own mug of coffee to his lips.

“Very funny, Halvorsen.” I chugged the coffee and put the mug by the sink before stretching and slowly making my way up to my room. Everyone had crashed in various rooms and places about the house. We had a big ass bonfire that I wasn’t even at because I stayed on the front porch steps waiting for Avery all night. Apparently, a game of two truths and a lie that involved alcohol in some way had taken place. It’s a good thing I didn’t play. Everyone was plastered, thanks to Austin’s seemingly endless supply of Patron.

I took a long, hot shower. My back and neck ached from when I fell asleep out on the front porch. The warm water made me want to close my eyes, but I refused to succumb to sleep. I threw on some skinny jeans and an old baseball t-shirt before going back downstairs. Halvo was still in the kitchen, but he was joined by Pat and Nick. They mumbled their good mornings to me. I just smiled before stepping back out onto the porch. I had horrible nightmares every time I fell asleep, so I didn’t sleep for very long. All my nightmares were basically my overactive imagination conjuring up every possible bad thing that could possibly happen to Avery. Yeah, it wasn’t pleasant… Halvo was right, though. I fucked up big time, so I had to make it up big time to Avery.


I sat on the porch steps messing around with my phone, trying to kill some time. About two hours passed before my car pulled up into the driveway. I could feel my heart pounding when I got to my feet, but I didn’t want to run to her, in case she was still really mad at me. Avery killed the engine and got out, but when she saw me, she put her shades on. My heart sank into my stomach. Knowing I made her cry made me feel like shit. Avery slowly walked up to the front porch, still wearing her clothes from yesterday. “Hey,” I choked out. I wanted to reach out and grab her and hold her tightly to make sure my mind wasn’t playing mean tricks on me.

“Hey,” she said back, still not approaching the steps – probably because I was still standing on them.

I got down to her level, walking on until I was a good foot away from her. “Will you take a walk with me?” I asked hesitantly. Avery nodded and I instantly reached for her hand, but quickly stopped myself.

Avery grabbed my hand anyway, but actually held it instead of weaving our fingers together like we always did. “Lead the way,” she sighed, turning so we faced in the same direction.

I started walking down to the path by the lake. I spent so much time planning how this would go, but I wasn’t quite prepared to execute said plans… “I’m not going to apologize,” I said firmly. That stopped Avery right in her tracks and she pulled her hand out of mine, glaring at me. I expected that. So far, so good. “Because any apology I could come up with wouldn’t be enough.” Avery’s face was expressionless, but after a few minutes, she took hold of my hand again. That was a close one. We walked on in silence for a while. “I can only promise you that I’ll do anything and everything I can to make it up to you.” Avery seemed content with that answer. She wouldn’t say anything at all, and I didn’t feel like reviewing the specifics of our argument right now.

We’d finally walked around to the other side of the lake, where there was a nice bit of shoreline. You could see the lake house and dock from here, but they were really far away. “J-John,” Avery stuttered when she saw everything. It was the only other thing she’d said to me this morning besides “Hey” and "Lead the way", and I was so glad she said my name. I missed hearing her voice.

“Come on,” I laughed, having to pull her along when she wouldn’t move. I brought a big blanket and loads of pillows over to this end of the lake because there were actually some huge trees here and they provided lovely shade. And, of course, I also brought my guitar. Avery and I leaned against the tree before I grabbed my guitar and began to play one of her favorite songs by Augustana, Sunday Best.

“If this is part of your ‘Get Avery to be not mad at me’ plan, it’s working,” Avery murmured, snuggling into my side and resting her head on my shoulder.

“Great,” I laughed, relief washing over me. “So, um…I wrote a song for – um, about – well, to you,” I stammered, and Avery giggled at my nervousness. I thought I messed up the song really bad or she didn’t like it because when I finished Avery still didn’t say anything. “A-Avery…?”

She wordlessly turned my head so I was facing her and leaned up to kiss me. I couldn’t help grinning into the kiss, putting my guitar aside. The kiss was slow, and sweet, and somewhat short, and we didn’t even use tongue, but that was fine with me. I was just amazed that I got this far, that she kissed me at all. When Avery broke the kiss, she giggled and wrapped her arms around my waist, snuggling into my side. “Can we talk talk later? I just want to enjoy this, enjoy you right now,” she sighed, tracing my tattoos.

It was still really early, so it was still fairly cool out. There was a little wind, too, and the lake looked absolutely gorgeous. The sun was slowly rising, and you could make out its multi-colored reflection in the water. I kissed the top of her head, feeling my eyes grow heavy with sleep and my lips turning up in a small, tired smile.

“I’m all yours.”