You Can't Tell Me to Heal

I carefully helped my mom out of the car. She was finally out of the hospital. I was terrified those first few days because she was so weak, and my father had actually come to see her, so all the more cause for me to worry. We pressed charges, so that guy that broke in got locked up, just like the other guy that broke in. I spent more time with my mom. John spent some time with me, but he understood that I needed to be with just my mom more now than ever. I think he understood that for the wrong reason, though. He probably thought, “Oh, your mom just got better and you need to take care of her.”

No, it was “I’m moving to Italy and I want to spend as much time with her as possible before that.”

She broke the news to me that night, the night we came home. I cooked her favorite dinner and everything, and then she sat down with me and told me my dad wanted me to live with his family in Italy. I wanted to stay, though, especially for John. He had come to mean so much to me over the past few months. I wanted to stay with John, but he would be touring, and I didn’t want to be alone. I’d stay with Halvo if John wouldn’t throw a fit about it, but I could just tell he would. I just wanted to stay in Arizona any way I could.

Yes, it was sunny and hot outside, like, all the time. Yes, we kept the air on to make it too cold inside. But Arizona was home because Arizona was where John was.

“Avery, I miss you.”

I was packing up when John called. “I miss you too, sweetheart,” I sighed, trying not to cry.

I didn’t want to tell John, but I knew I’d have to sooner or later. He told me how he’d be gone because of their upcoming tour with Augustana. I was insanely jealous. He knew that Augustana was my favorite, that I’d never been to a concert, and that I’d never seen his band play before. He promised I’d get to see them, though, because their first show was their home show just over in Mesa. Then they would go on over to San Diego, Augustana’s hometown, and then all over the country from the West Coast. They’d be gone for nearly four months. John was worried that would bother me and even asked if I wanted to come, but Garrett didn’t ask Shannon to come, and I knew Megan and Chloe weren’t going. Besides, Halvo said it was kind of a rule of thumb not to bring girlfriends or any girls that aren’t going to be working or whatever along with you for tour.

“How’s your mom?” he asked politely.

“She’s fine,” I sighed, closing another box. I would tape them shut later.

“If you don’t want to go out or do anything tonight, can I come see you? I just want to see you. I feel like it’s been ages,” John said longingly.

“We can go out and do something tonight,” I said happily, flopping onto my bed. Packing could wait. “What do you want to do?”

“I made plans for us,” John said confidently, and I giggled. “What?”

“You say that like you knew I was going to say yes…”

“I didn’t know that, but I knew you would want to see me…maybe as much as I do.”

“No, more,” I contradicted him, and I heard him laugh.

“Dress comfortably for tonight. We’re just gonna chill and have fun. I’ll pick you up at seven so I can get you home early.”

“Alright. See you soon, sweetheart.” I hung up to slip into some skinny jeans, flip flops, and a plain lavender v-neck t-shirt. “Mom?” I said after knocking on her door and letting myself in. She was propped up in her bed, watching TV. “I’m going out with John tonight.”

“Oh, the tall giraffe of a boy that’s friends with Eric, right?” she asked, just to make sure.

“Yes,” I half-laughed. “Can I do anything else for you or get you anything else before I go?”

“You should tell that boy how you feel, darling,” Mom said as she flipped through the channels.

“M-Mom…”

“I can see he loves you.” Hearing the “L” word was like having a bucket of ice cold water dumped onto my head, but not in a bad way. “Anyone can. How is he handling your leaving to Italy for a…while?” I bit my lip, looking for some excuse to get out of the room. My mom’s face softened. “Avery, darling, you’ve got to tell him. If you’re going to leave him, you owe him that much. Don’t leave without any goodbye. Don’t break his heart,” she choked up, and I knew she was thinking of how dad left us. “Don’t you love him, too?”

“So much,” I whispered, feeling a tear slide down my cheek. I quickly brushed it away. “And that’s exactly why I’m not telling him. Leaving Arizona hurts me more than it will ever hurt him.”

She sighed and turned her attention back to the TV. “Have fun on your date.” No more was said on the matter, so I left her room to play a little piano. It always calmed my nerves. I heard the doorbell ring after a while, and when I opened it to see John, I threw my arms around him in a bone crushing hug.

“Someone’s glad to see me,” John chuckled when I stopped kissing him. “We can go on our date, or we can stay here and make out all night… either’s fine with me, but the latter would be my first choice…” I rolled my eyes, grinning at my boyfriend before pulling him along to his car.

We went out to the Tempe Town Center for dinner at a Dave and Buster’s. We had fun playing all the games later, too. Time Crisis was my favorite. John was surprised I was so good at it. He blamed it on beginner’s luck, but I blamed it on his wrist. He was a good shot, he was just slow to react while we played the game. We also played House of the Dead – another fun shooter game. John said it was Garrett’s favorite. There were zombies in it, of course. We played a bunch of video games before going back out to his car.

“Do you want to go home?”

“You know what… I actually want you to go somewhere with me.”

“Ok, where?”

“Do you remember our first date?”

John’s grin was blinding in the darkness. “Of course. How could I forget the way you asked me?" John teased, making me blush. "I brought you to a park, played you Green Eyes on the guitar, and kissed you for the first time, too.”

I rolled my eyes. “Well, I made you a promise, and I promised to take you somewhere important to me in my childhood… Turn here.”

A few minutes later, we were at a community sports complex. I told John to park in front of the old soccer field I used to play on in middle school. We got out of the car and I walked over to the bleachers, sitting down and staring at the place. “I haven’t been here since…eighth grade,” I laughed, and John sat down beside me. No one was here because it was so late, of course, but the field looked unkempt… It wasn’t as pristine as the college soccer fields I was accustomed to.

“What is this place?” John asked, narrowing his eyes at the goals at the ends of the field. “Oh. Oh!”

“Yes, John, it’s a soccer field. Did you figure that one out all by yourself?” I teased. John pouted, and I had to laugh at that. “My dad got me into the sport as early as third grade. He came to every single one of my games. It was always so much pressure on me. I wanted to make him proud, you know?” I sighed, looking up at the sky to see the stars.

Somewhere in Arizona, my dad and my stepmom and Renzo are looking up at this same sky, looking forward to returning to Italy, but not looking forward to having me along for the ride. The thought bummed me out considerably.

“Avery?” John said my name quietly, taking my hand in his.

“I lost my first soccer game ever on this field,” I said flatly. “I was in eighth grade. It was awful. We were tied the whole game, but I missed the penalty kick. I thought my dad would never love me again.”

John squeezed my hand. “Well, just know that I’ll always love you, Avery.” I tensed, and John felt that. “You don’t have to say it back,” he said gently, doing his best to conceal the hurt in his voice. “I just wanted you to know how I feel, and I really do love you, Avery, I love you so much…”

I snuggled into his side, wrapping my arms around his slim waist. Now would be a perfect time to break the news to him, but, no, I just couldn’t bring myself to ruin this moment.

“I love you too, John.”