You Can't Tell Me to Heal

I pushed another cardboard box in Halvo’s direction. I packed, he taped. My room was nearly empty now. I swear, though, Halvo taped slower and slower the faster I packed the boxes, as if that could keep me here in Arizona. “Is this the last of it?” he asked with a dejected sigh, rubbing the tape to seal the box better.

I sat down on my floor with him, shoving my hair behind my ear. “For today, yeah.”

I scrolled through my iPod for something nice to listen to – the iPod that John bought for me. We used our iPods for Face Time or Tango – just plain communication. It was kind of great, and kind of not – seeing him and talking to him just a little bit every day when he was so far away. The boys are almost two months into the tour now, and yet John has never neglected to contact me, whether it’s a text or a short Tango session.

…That made it so much harder to leave.

Halvo was angry that I was leaving without John knowing anything, but he was partially on my side. He promised to give John a letter I’d written, explaining everything. “I don’t get why you won’t just move in with me, Avery,” Halvo muttered, putting down the tape dispenser. “We can go get an apartment or something. Well, actually, I’m surprised John hasn’t asked you to move in with him already!”

“That doesn’t matter, Halvo. I’m moving for my mom. I told you, I would stay here if she wasn’t asking me to go…” It’s not like she didn’t want me here anymore. She didn’t trust herself to take care of me, what with her bullet wound and the house constantly getting broken into. She didn’t like how often she was never at home, leaving me, her little invalid of a daughter, all alone and defenseless or some shit like that. I hated my father, and Renzo just rubbed me the wrong way when we met. Plus, his mother didn’t say a word to me. “Thanks for all your help today.”

Halvo got to his feet, shrugging. “It was nothing. Now, you wanna grab a bite to eat? All this manual labor’s got me starved!”

I laughed, but nodded and proceeded to get dressed in my bathroom, donning a simple gray v-neck with a jean miniskirt and white sandals. Halvo took me to La Parilla again. He knew me too well. We had a nice time at dinner, even though the waiters were obviously hitting on me. “Halvo, do you know what a good friend you are?” I sighed contentedly after eating my burrito.

“Does that mean I can throw you a going away party?”

“Halvo…I don’t want anyone to know I’m going…”

Halvo pouted, but drove me home anyways. I tried talking my mom into letting me stay every night, but it was no good. I was already packed up, and she was always so tired – too tired to listen to me. I took a shower and was just about to go to sleep, when I got a text from John.

[What time is it? FACE TIME! :D]

I grinned and grabbed my iPod. Soon enough, John’s face appeared on my screen. “Hey, babe.”

“Hey, John,” I chuckled, self consciously pulling my wet hair back into some semblance of order. It looked like John was sitting down on the curb somewhere. “Where are you guys now?”

“Uh…Toronto, Ontario. You know, Canadia.”

“John…don’t you mean Canada?”

“What? Fuck. Yes, I meant that! Ugh, don’t laugh so hard!”

We had a nice, random conversation – catching up, talking about our day, things that came to mind… John showed me where he was. I was jealous that he was so well traveled. I made sure he couldn’t see my room and how empty it was, though. He hung up on me to get back on the bus to sleep. Thank god he hung up when he did, because I broke down in tears quickly afterwards.

I didn’t want to say goodbye to John in person because I knew he was the one person who could convince me to stay. No, not even convince – make. Well, I mean, he wouldn’t force me to stay, but if he asked, that plane was leaving without me for sure. I loved John too much for my own good. “Avery...?”

Startled by my opening door, I pressed my face to my pillows. “Huh?” I tried to ask groggily, but it sounded like I had obviously just been crying.

My mom shuffled in and sat down on my bed. “What’s wrong, darling? Why are you crying?”

I was surprised she was here and comforting me. I guess the prospect of me leaving made her want to talk to me more these days. “Why do I have to leave?” I completely bawled.

She sighed, putting an arm around me. “Avery, please. It’s what’s best for you. I can’t be here to take care of you as much as I should, and –“

“I’ll move out,” I sniffled, cutting her off. “I’ll move out and get a place of my own, if you just let me stay here in Arizona. Please, mom, please.”

“Does this have anything to do with that boy you’re seeing?”

“Um, it kind of has everything to do with Arizona! This is where my friends are, this is where my heart is...”

“Avery, darling…you don’t need a boy to make you happy,” Mom told me firmly, like she didn't hear anything I just said. I sighed and gave up. Dad left us and remarried. She wouldn’t understand. “You can come back in a year, I promise. I’ll be settled in a better neighborhood by then, I hope. And, there’s an excellent doctor there in Italy that your father would like you to see about your knees. Everything will be fine.”

“There’s nothing wrong with Dr. Resnick.”

I don’t think she heard me that time. She just patted my arm and got up. “Get some sleep, now, dear.” With that, she left my room again. I guess an honest to god mother daughter heart to heart was too much to hope for.

I cried myself to sleep, so I was too tired and emotionally spent to dream about John that night.


“You’re leaving without telling John?!” Shannon choked out.

“Shannon, please don’t make a scene,” I sighed softly, staring into my bowl of soup. We were currently at Panera Bread. I was lucky enough to manage to steal her for today. We were just catching up and everything before my flight left…tonight.

“You can’t do that!”

“I will, and I will do it tonight. Just chill out about it, Shannon. I wrote him a letter.”

“A letter? A fucking letter? Are you trying to break his heart?”

I gritted my teeth. “Trust me, Shannon, this is breaking my heart, too.” Shannon sighed and bit her lip as she tried to think of something clever to say to that, shoving chips into her sandwich. “Shannon, if I see him, I might not leave at all. I can’t stay. I promised my mom.”

Shannon just pouted and we finished out lunch in silence. My flight leaves at nine tonight. They told me Renzo would be waiting for me at the airport in Italy. Dad bought me a first class seat on the plane. Like that would make me want to leave Arizona!

Shannon checked her phone, eyes going wide before she quickly pocketed it again. I arched an eyebrow. “Something wrong?”

“I have soccer practice in an hour,” Shannon groaned. “Can I just drive you home now? I need to go.”

“Oh…alright,” I sighed, getting up to throw my trash. The drive home was quiet, and Shannon was half speeding the entire way there. Understandable, though. When you were late to practice, or forgot your practice jersey, or just sucked ass in practice, you had to stay after and run suicides. I hugged Shannon tightly. “I love you, girl. Thanks so much for everything. I’ll try to keep in touch with you when I get over there, alright?”

“Text me when the plane lands?” Shannon asked, sniffling a little. Oh, hell, I’d start crying, too, if she kept that up.

I nodded and let her go. She drove off in quite a hurry. I went inside my house and trudged up the stairs. All my bags were downstairs. I just wanted to say goodbye to the house, but in opening the door to my room…I found a familiar, lanky figure standing in the vast emptiness of it.

“What’s going on, Avery?”