You Can't Tell Me to Heal

The guys picked me up in Toronto after half an hour of getting mobbed by these sweet little Canadian teenage girls. I was kind of glad to be away from them, though…it gave me some space to focus on my phone.

But Avery hadn’t called me yet.

“John, man, you need to sleep,” Jared told me at three in the morning, Canadian time. I was sitting in the front lounge of the bus, waiting for that phone call from Avery, when Jared stumbled out of his bunk to come sit beside me. “We’ve got a show in New York in a few hours, remember?”

“But… Avery hasn’t called,” I mumbled, scrolling through all my pictures of her on my phone.

“Well, maybe she forgot? Or, she fell asleep? John, I’m sure she’s fine,” Jared half yawned.

“Jared, she is in a fucking foreign country all by herself, excuse me for being a little worried!” I couldn’t help but snap. “Shit…I-I’m sorry, I’m just…”

“What happened, John?” And I told Jared all about Avery’s situation with her family. “Oh, damn…”

“Yeah. I just, I’m freaking out,” I muttered under my breath, whipping out my MacBook and getting onto all my social networking sites to see if Avery had updated anything.

On her Tumblr, there was a picture of her hand, adorned with the ring I had given her, and the caption was, “I have the most amazing boyfriend in the whole world! :’)” That made me smile, and I showed the picture to Jared before liking and reblogging it, adding “haha I know” to the caption. On her Facebook was the simple status, “Goodbye, Arizona, I’m gonna miss the fuck out of you )’:” I liked that status, even though it was all the way from this morning, Arizona time. But when I checked Twitter, thankfully, she had mentioned me. The tweet read, “@johnmaine i’m so sorry i forgot to tell you my american phone doesn’t work in italy! i miss you already… D;”

“See? Told you she’s alright,” Jared said as he patted my back.

I just DMed Avery a response that said, “ok, Skype me when you can. i love you.” Before finally falling asleep…


I’m not gonna lie, I feel like I didn’t finish the tour on a good note. I started to drink a lot more than normal… probably because Avery and I were talking a lot less than normal. We Skyped about twice the rest of the tour, which was, like, once a month. I mean, we would DM each other on Twitter and message each other on Facebook, but that was pretty much it.

I felt like…like she never wanted to hear my voice or see my face anymore. Or maybe she didn’t want me to see her? What I mean is, it was just so fucking weird of her now. She didn’t like Italy at all, that much I could tell. Whenever we Skyped, she always looked like she had just finished crying, but I never brought that up. I knew she wouldn’t want to talk about it.

Whenever we did talk, though, it was nice. I could see she was getting more tan, and she was filling out more. I can’t help that I’m a guy…so, of course, I loved when she would Skype me while she was laying down on her bed, propped up on her elbows to look at the computer, because that gave me the perfect view down her shirt.

I never once looked at another girl, not with Avery always on my mind. I felt super insecure about her, though – in Italy, surrounded by, like, dudes who play soccer, and do other stuff good, too… She got so mad at me for that, and we both got into that “What-you-can’t-trust-me?” talk that I’m pretty sure all couples have a few times over the course of their relationship. That conversation ended with her sobbing and blubbering out that she missed me and I felt so bad after that, so I never brought that up again, either.

I felt like we argued so easily these days…like, there was one time I mentioned that she looked good, and looked like she was filling out. I meant that she was gaining weight in a good way. Like, her boobs were bigger than ever. What can I say, I’m a guy! But that really set her off. She started crying and stuff, and she had the whole “So-you’re-saying-I’m-fat?” rant, which also ended with Avery near tears. Well, the whole time she was practically in tears, because I told her that Augustana broke up, and they were her favorite band in the whole wide world. Still, Avery was so emotional about everything.

As the months passed, our Skype sessions grew less and less frequent and we never really talked on Twitter or Facebook anymore. Avery never really used those anymore. Her Facebook was always flooded with posts from her soccer buddies, and I swear her Twitter got hacked or something because it always tweeted how she got a free iPad by clicking some link or whatever. She only ever reblogged pictures of random tattoos and – yes, my greatest fear – soccer stars on her Tumblr, never pictures of herself. She wouldn’t get an international phone plan, so I could never call or text her. She wouldn’t even give me her phone number, so at least I could get an international phone plan to call or text her!

I mean, good god, the year came and went – and she hadn’t come back home to Arizona. Even her mother said she hadn’t heard from her, but wasn’t expecting her back at all, which about broke my heart. I tried to get in touch with Avery so hard. Hell, I searched Tempe high and low, but it got a little discouraging after…two years.

I felt like I died, and nobody told me.

“Shannon?” I hesitantly called Garrett’s girlfriend and Avery’s best friend.

“Hey, John! What’s up?”

“I’m sorry, but…have you heard from Avery, like, at all, recently?”

“What are you apologizing for?” Shannon asked with a nervous laugh. “Um, I don’t really talk to her anymore, no…why do you ask?"

“Does Halvo talk to her at all, do you know?” I asked, pretty desperate now.

“Not really, no,” Shannon sighed wistfully. “Why, you guys don’t talk a lot?”

I licked my lips, tugging my beanie off my head. “Shannon…I feel like Avery’s not trying to make this relationship work anymore.”

Shannon fell silent. “You don’t know anything, John, so you really shouldn’t jump to conclusions like that.”

“Really, I don’t know anything? I know we barely talk anymore. I know she’s done with her year in Italy, but she’s not back yet. I know she’s, like, dropped off the face of the fucking earth and never even bothered to tell me so!” I ended up yelling at Shannon over the phone.

“I don’t have time for this,” Shannon scoffed. “Call me when your head’s not so hot.” And she hung up.

I felt like I was still in the relationship since Avery never officially ended anything. And, fuck my life, I still wanted this relationship, so fucking bad!

When we arrived home in Arizona from our tour in Australia and the Pacific, the first thing I wanted to do was party it up, Arizona style. So, of course, I called up Halvo. “Halvo?”

“John, my man! What up?” he answered cheerfully, and it sounded like he was cooking something.

“We’re back in Arizona, and I am in desperate need of a party of epic proportions.”

“Eric, the cheese,” a little kid said in the background.

“I didn’t forget!” Eric said aside to the little kid. “Here, you peel the cheese open, and then give it to me... John, you still there? I’m totally listening to you! Now…what were you saying earlier?”

I laughed. “Bro, are you, like, babysitting? I said we should party, but if you’re busy…”

“I’m, yeah, babysitting tonight, but you should hit up Nick and Jess and Austin and Joel and that whole crowd, yeah? You go party, and we can hang some other time! Don’t let me stop you from having fun!”

“Eric, the orange juice,” the little kid said again.

“Ok, ok,” Eric laughed. “Well, John, I need to go, sorry… Have a great time at your party, alright, bro? Bye.”

He hung up, so I took a shower before trying to sleep off the jetlag.