You Can't Tell Me to Heal

I was pleasantly surprised that my mom was so accepting of Annie. We lived with my mom, but I got a job at the therapy center I used to go to. I thought it would be hard for me to work there since it was the place John and I first met, but it really didn’t. in all honesty, John was the last thing on my mind.

John didn’t know about Annie. Her full name is Anne Marie O’Callaghan Lassiter. John wanted to name our first daughter after me just like I wanted to name our first son after him, but we agreed to disagree. We consented to have our daughter’s name to start with an “A” and our son’s name to start with a “J”. Annie was John’s first choice, and James was mine. (I really wanted to name our son John, though, to continue the line of O’Callaghans, haha.)

Dad was furious with me. His new wife was disgusted with me. Renzo, however, helped me out so much with the pregnancy. I didn’t want him there with me in the delivery room for the baby’s birth, though. It wouldn’t have been right. It should’ve been John. Renzo offered to go in there with me, but I refused. As scared as I was and as much as I wanted someone I knew to be there for me instead of just the nurses, I gave birth to my lovely Anne Marie O’Callaghan all by myself. I guess I was proud of myself, but…I wanted John to be there. Only John should have been there with me…but, that’s enough dwelling on the past.

“Mommy?” Annie said cutely, tugging on the hem of my dress. I was in the kitchen making lasagna for tonight, Annie’s favorite. I ate so much Italian food that Annie was born with a natural preference for it. She was two years old and I loved her to bits. She could read quite a bit and she spoke very well because she spoke so often. When I didn’t have a job, I spent a lot of time with Annie, teaching her everything. I was such an unsure young mother at first, but now, I think I’ve got the hang of it.

I guess sometimes I just couldn’t grasp that John and I had created this lovely creature, and this lovely creature was our daughter. Our daughter. It continues to blow my mind. And, yes, I still said “our”, even though Annie and John had never met.

“Can I go to the park with Eric?” she asked hopefully.

Halvo walked into the kitchen and scooped Annie up into his arms. “Yeah, can she go to the park with Eric?” he repeated just as childishly with a matching pout to boot.

Halvo had been such a huge help with Annie – like a surrogate father, already. Annie stayed with Halvo when my mom and I had work. Halvo thought she was the cutest thing on two legs. He absolutely adored her, and Annie undoubtedly returned the sentiment. She even asked me if Halvo was her dad once. It broke my heart to tell her the truth – that she would never meet her father. Ever.

“Bring some water and sunscreen,” I said, directing my words to Halvo. “And have fun,” I added, my comment meant for Annie. She was the spitting image of John, and it depressed me so much sometimes, but it was also like I had a piece of John with me through Annie. Her hair was getting lighter and her skin was getting tanner from all the time she spent in the sun. She was growing more and more like John every day, and it killed me…

Annie clapped excitedly before wrapping her arms around Halvo’s neck. Her babbling about the slide and swing set died as Halvo walked out of the kitchen and out of the house, leaving me alone again. I turned my radio back on and, what do you know, the radio station was interviewing the one and only John O’Callaghan of The Maine…yet I couldn’t bring myself to change the station. I couldn’t deny it. I sorely missed the sound of John’s voice. Hell, I missed John…But I wasn’t going to ruin his amazing career with a kid. He was too young to be a father. We were too young to be parents! I sighed and turned the radio off when the interview was over.

I was about to start making the lasagna when I realized that I bought cottage cheese instead of ricotta cheese and tomato paste instead of tomato sauce. Face planting, I grabbed my keys and drove to the nearest grocery store to pick up the missing ingredients. Unfortunately, I’d left the house in only my black sandals, so I wasn’t tall enough to reach the certain brand of canned tomato sauce that I wanted.

I stood on the bottom shelf and tried again, but just as I was about to touch the can, a large hand grabbed it, the other large hand gently grabbing mine. “Need some help, miss?” an unmistakable masculine voice laughed softly. I tried not to make eye contact as John helped me get back down on the ground before handing me the can. “Actually, you know what? Hold on,” John muttered almost to himself as he took the can back and felt it for dents, just like I taught him. He shook his head before putting the can back on the shelf and grabbing another one. He placed two satisfactory cans of tomato sauce in my basket a few minutes later. Except, when our eyes met and his crooked grin melted away to reveal nothing but sadness on his lovely face.

I was afraid he recognized me for a second there because he was trying to say something to me when Kennedy and Jared called him over to the beer section. “Please don’t go anywhere, I’ll be right back,” John said quickly before trotting over to his friends...but no, I ran and paid for my things and drove home as fast as possible.

I finished the lasagna and popped it in the oven, having a fucking mental breakdown on the kitchen floor. I don’t know why seeing John did this to me. I guess I wanted him back in my life that badly. I wanted him to meet Annie. I wanted our relationship back… but Annie, although I loved her with every fiber of my being, killed any possibility of that happening. I wish we were younger, dammit.

I sighed and cried myself out while the lasagna cooked. When it was done, I fixed up my face and went out to the park where Annie and Halvo were…but I wasn’t prepared for what I saw there.

Halvo was hanging upside down on the monkey bars, but he could still touch the ground with relative ease…and John was pushing Annie on the swings.

Can’t. Handle. The Cuteness.