Welcome to My Reality Show

Mean Girls was nearly over when Jack and Alex came barging into the hotel room. I tried my best to ignore them, and pay attention to the movie, but it didn’t work out too well. Alex and Jack took a seat near our kitchenette area, and talked about their show that they just played. Mickie squeezed me tightly for comfort, and laid her head on my shoulder. I knew that she could tell how upset I was over this whole ordeal. I just want it all to be fixed. Why can’t we all have little mind eraser things from Men In Black? Those would make my life a little bit easier. It just sucks that Paul is here all of the time, and the world gets to experience it all.
Life with Alex will never be easy. I’ve always known this. I’ve always know that no matter what, something will try to get in the way. Some fans would attempt, Alex himself, or even me. I have to learn how to deal with it all without hurting my relationship with my husband. I thought that I had learned how to by now. It turns out that I really know nothing. I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. I’m so lost, and I didn’t even realize it. I’m just a stupid kid who got married because her father arranged it. Stupid right? I thought so too.
“I’m going to head on out,” Mickie stated, standing up from her sitting position. She stretched, and smiled at me. “You’re going to be fine, stop looking at me like that.”
I pouted, and my best friend laughed at me.
“Fine…I’ll see you later,”
“Okay…bye, babe.” Mickie smiled, walking over toward Jack and Alex. “Come on, Jackie. We’ve got our own hotel room to get too. This girl is worn the fuck out.”
“Alright,” Jack smiled and then yawned. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” He addressed us.
Alex and I managed a small goodbye before they were out of our hotel room. It was painfully quite. Alex said nothing to me, and I just looked down at my lap. The Mean Girls’ DVD menu played in the background. It was the only sound that was made throughout the room. I couldn’t pull my thoughts together. I didn’t really know what was going down in my brain. It was all over the place. It just wasn’t going how I wanted it too. The silence was killing me.
I stole a quick glance at Alex. He looked worn out. He looked sad, and it broke my heart. He didn’t look like the real Alex. He didn’t look like my Alex. He just looked like a shell of someone. He looked just as lost as I had felt. He looked miserable. He hadn’t moved since I saw them come into the hotel room. This wasn’t normal. I wanted the douche bag back. I wanted him to act like a five year old. I wanted him to make some inappropriate joke. Part of me even wanted him to act like nothing had happened.
“I didn’t mean it.” Were the words that stumbled from my mouth. Alex’s eyes instantly shot toward me. He looked slightly confused. He looked like a kicked puppy. He didn’t say anything back. He just stared at me, waiting for me to continue. “I didn’t mean to say that I hate you. I don’t, Alex…”
“Then why did you?” He asked me softly.
“Because I was mad,” I replied softly. I slowly got up, and started toward him. I was careful not to make too much noise. I didn’t want to break the fragile atmosphere that engulfed us. “I don’t think that I could ever hate you.”
“You should,” He sighed. “You should hate me, Mac. I deserve to be hated right now,”
I sighed. I agreed with him completely, but I couldn’t help it.
“This is so hard,”
“I know,” He replied. He didn’t elaborate. He just stood there, and stared at me with wide, brown eyes. We just stood and stared at him.
“I want to fix it.”
“I want to fix us,” Alex replied. “I want us to go back to normal where we were stupid and in love. Can’t we just get that back?”
“I want to more than anything,” I replied. My throat started to clench up. The annoying feeling you have when you’re about to cry was making it’s presence known to me. I knew that Alex could tell that I was about to cry. He carefully removed himself from against the counter, and made his way in front of me. His rough hands cupped my face. I closed my eyes to steady my breathing. Tears slipped out beneath my eyelashes, but Alex’s thumb caught them really quickly.
“You can’t give up on us, Mackenzie. You just can’t. Everyone else in my life gave up on me. I can’t have you giving up on me too,” Alex pleaded softly. He stepped closer, and my eyes slowly fluttered open. I saw the desperation in his eyes. The look matched the tone of his voice. He didn’t want me to give up, I could tell that much. “I can’t loose you,”
“I don’t want to loose you,” My voice cracked. “I want to hate you, Alex. I want to be able to divorce you, and to move on with me life. I want to get as far away from you as humanly possible, but I can’t. I can’t give up, because I love you. I can’t walk away because you are far too important to me to do that. I just can’t let it end. I pray to God that you can’t either,”
“I can’t,” He simply said before placing his lips gently against my forehead. “I can’t let you go, no matter how bad I deserve to be alone. You deserve so much more than a loser like me.”
I couldn’t argue with him. He has put me through Hell. I shouldn’t have to put up with his pointless bullshit. I shouldn’t have to put up with everything that has happened so far in the course of our marriage. I also didn’t want to agree with him. I wanted to tell him that he deserved better than me. He deserved someone who knew how to put up with him better than I do. He should have someone who knew him like they knew the back of their hand. I had to bite my tongue from telling him that he deserved Lisa.
“I love you,” I whispered back. “Isn’t that all that matters right now?”
Alex nodded and gingerly pressed his lips against mine for a slow and steady kiss. When he pulled away, he had a glimmer of something in his eyes. I prayed that it was the same thing that I had. I prayed that Alex had hope. I prayed that he hadn’t given up on me, just as I won’t give up on him. I need Alex like I need air. That scared the fuck out of me at first, but I have come to accept it. It was difficult at first, but he’s like my drug. I can’t ever get enough of the brown-eyed boy.
“I love you more than anything.” He whispered before his lips met mine again in another slow kiss.