The Ghost of You

Andrew's POV

She was gone. After I told her to go,I instantly regretted it. Once I got to my car, I rushed back,hoping,praying by some miracle she was still there,but when I arrived to where I last saw her she was gone.

I felt like I couldn't breath. I fell to the ground and silently cried,I couldn't help it. Lilly,my beautiful Lilly, was my life. I had lost her twice. Once because of her jackass step father,and twice because I stupid enough to tell her to go.

I wanted her back. I would do anything to be back with her. To wrap my arms around her tiny body and pull her close to me and shower her with kisses,or just hear her voice,touch her skin,look into her dark brown eyes,anything with her.

The knife. I played with it, tossing it in the air, tapping it against the tan flesh on my arm,twirling it around in my hands, twice I pressed the sharp tip to my heart to see how badly it would hurt to just shove it throw my skin and end my life. I prayed every night that I would die. When I drive, I always go fast in curves and I already can't focus because my mind is just focused on her. I guess I'm too scared to just do it. Drive straight off a bridge,stab myself with the kitchen knife,or overdose on some of my dad's heart medication.

I thought about my family,mostly my mom. She would be heart broken if I killed myself, she might even do the same after I'm gone,and then my sister would follow,and so would my dad. I don't think I was brave enough to kill myself. So I would just sit here and wallow in my own misery for the rest of my pathetic life,I guess.

Frustrated, I throw the knife at the wall farthest from me,and it sticks.

I hear an urgent knock at my door. I don't bother standing up to unlock the door. It's been locked all week. I didn't speak,didn't eat,and skipped school. The only time I get out is in the middle of the night,when I jump out of my window for a drive. I'm surprised my dad hasn't tried to take my door off the hinges yet.

"Andrew,please open the door. We are all really worried about you."Julie my sister. We used to get along well before Lilly died,but since then,I haven't spoken to her,not once. I answered one of her text messages yesterday,telling her to leave me alone. "I'm not going anywhere until you open the door." she said.

I really do not want to talk to anyone,but still I get up and unlock the door and instantly regret it. Julie is smiling and even gives me a tiny wave. She is the first person in my room all week."Hey buddy,wanna talk?" she sounds so peppy,which isn't like her. I turn my back to her and walk to my bed. I hear the door close as I fall onto my bed.

"Wow,"Julie says,"you really need to clean your room. Would you like some help?" Julie starts picking up some fallen books,and folds some clothes. I lie there and watch her. She makes her way to the corner of my room. "What is this?" she gasps.

My stomach tightens when she holds up my broken remains of my guitar. A few nights ago, I thought I heard Lilly,calling my name. I couldn't see her and got so frustrated I ripped the strings off and banged it against the wall until the neck broke and then I punched the body until my fist had reduced it to splinters.

Julie dropped the shattered bits of my guitar and came to sit next to me. "I miss her too,you know." Julie mumbles I almost did not hear her. Then she had tears fall down her pale cheeks. She reaches for my hand,but I pull away. I don't want her to touch me. I feel uncomfortable seeing her cry.

Julie sobs. "Why are you doing this? I haven't heard you speak in months. Your killing me! And mom and dad,we are all worried sick about you. Mom thinks your going to kill yourself,and whose to say your not? " my sister reaches for me again,and I feel sick when I pull away from her again. She hasn't noticed the knife in the wall,thankfully.

I can't take her crying anymore."Go." It's the first thing I have said to her in months. Julie smirks and wipes at a few tears." Five months,and that is all you have to say to me?" she asks quietly.

I am a horrible older brother,but I can't take it. I just want to be alone. I just stare at her,not saying anything. I wasn't paying much attention,so when Julie grabbed my hand I tried to pull away, but she has a tight grip on me. "You need to talk to someone,Andrew. Please,talk to me before mom and dad send you somewhere." Julie said quietly.

"What do you want me to say?" I say slowly,like I was trying to explain directions to a foreign person. Julie smiles and gives my hand a quick kiss. Lilly would do that a lot.

Lilly. I feel sick when I think of her. I close my eyes and the image of her, dead and bloody in my arms appears. She had six stab wounds and slashes all over her face. Her skin was turning blue and she was unnaturally cold. I think I'm about to vomit.

I feel Julie's hand rub my back, she would do that when we were little and she knew I was upset about something.I take in a deep breath. "I saw her." I opened my eyes and Julie nods for me to continue. "Last week. She was really here. We were in our meadow all day,and she came home with me and stayed here overnight and the next morning she left. I told her to go and now I will never see her again." I finished. I had never told anyone our meadow.

"Andrew,I know that you think you saw her,but..." she trailed off. She thinks I'm crazy. "I know I said I've seen her before,but this time it was real. I felt her,I kissed her, I talked to her all day. She was here when I woke up!" I say.

I know what I saw. Lilly was here. And now she is gone. "Just... go. Please get out." I say angrily. I close my eyes,but Julie doesn't leave.

I'm so sick of this. I want Julie to get out and everyone leave me alone. I want to go back to not speaking to just ignore everything and block out everything from the world. I want Lilly back. I really want my knife,to end it all.

"Just staying up here and ignoring everyone isn't going to bring her back Andrew." Julie says. I can hear the sadness in her voice."You think I don't already know that?" I ask."Now please,just go."

After Julie leaves, I fall asleep finally after three days of no sleep.

Of course, I dream of her. Her beautiful,thick brown hair that fell to her waist and her dark brown eyes. She was lying down in the meadow and the sun was shining down on her,making her hair look dark red. Lilly was smiling as the wind blew across her face. When she opened her eyes,she was looking at the sky but was speaking to me. "I'm okay,"she said," stop thinking about me and take care of yourself. I love you Andrew." And then I woke up. It's night time now,almost 2 o'clock according to my clock.

I have a few tears on my cheek and someone is knocking on my door again. "What?" I call. It is probably my sister again. My mom has actually given up trying to talk to me and my dad doesn't know how to deal with me,even though he never has. "I heard you crying for her again. Can I come in?" It is Julie again."No." I answer quickly. I don't feel like talking to her.

I hear her bedroom door close after a moment. That is when I stand and head for the knife. I yank it out the wall and stare at the pointed tip.

Just one stab, that is all it would take. I press my fingertip on the edge of the knife until it breaks the skin and I watch the blood flow down my finger.

Now or never. I hear my heart beat faster and a little nauseated. I told Lilly I wouldn't do this,but I can't take it. I need to leave. Before I do though, I grab my phone.

"Yes?" Julie says. I couldn't talk to her in person,not when I'm about to do this crazy act." I just wanted to say that I love you,Julie. You know that right?"

She sighs."I love you to Andrew. Do you want to talk now?"

"No,just wanted to say that and good-bye,I-I mean good night." My voice shakes and I feel like I'm about to fall apart,or vomit."Andrew...? Your not... never mind,nothing. Goodnight."

I hang up and dial one last person. "It's been a long time since we've talked,honey." mom says sweetly. Too bad it will be the last. I clutch at my stomach as I think of what this is going to do to her." Yes,it has. I wanted to tell you that I love you,and dad." My hands are shaking and my head is spinning."I love you too sweetie." she says

I hang up. I want to get this over with. I want to see her again.

I grab the knife and raise it. I take one more breath and bring the knife down quickly,shoving it into my stomach and I jerk it to the side to make a big slit.

I gasp and try to hold back a scream. I already lost a lot of blood. I fall to the ground in pain. It's the worst pain ever. I began to shake. I start to feel blood come up in my mouth and I choke on it before I spit some of it out.

My vision is becoming dark and fuzzy,but I must have screamed in pain because I can hear people running up the stairs,and screaming,and fists pounding on my door.

I don't want them to see me alive, I might get to a hospital and then they I would live and I don't want that. I grab the knife again and slit my throat,but it's not enough.

Then my door bursts open and my family is screaming and from what I can tell crying. My father is next to me,and yelling something at my mother,but I can't hear. I'm almost gone. My sister falls to the ground,its obvious she is screaming but I don't hear it.

By some miracle, I see is her,my angel,my life,the reason why I did this,Lilly,my love. She is leaning down next to my mother who is on the ground,hysterical. Lilly looks at me and cries."Why?" she asks,she is the only one I can hear.

And then I hear everything. My sister screaming, my father yelling at me,yelling at my mother to call an ambulance,my mother sobbing heavily and calling my name. I'm not lying on the ground anymore, I'm standing in the corner of my room.

I see my body. I am surrounded by a pool of blood and the slash in my stomach is unbearable to look at. I can see my insides,but surprisingly I don't feel sick. The I realize, I'm a ghost.

"You fucking asshole!"

Lilly shoves me against a wall,but no one notices when she screams,or when I hit the wall.

"What the fuck did you do! You told me you wouldn't do this!" I've never hear Lilly yell,or say "fuck". She is on the verge of tears and she is shaking with anger. "Look what you've done to them!" she whispers. She falls into my arms."I didn't want this,not for them." She sobs into my chest.

"I'm sorry,love. I need you. I need to be with you." I'm pathetic. That is all I have to say for myself after I kill myself to be with the love of my life.

Lilly and I watch my family for days.

I regret suicide,but only a little bit. I only feel bad because of the pain I have caused my family. It is strange to say,but I feel happier dead,but that is only because I have Lilly with me.

I decide not to go to my funeral. It's hard enough to watch just three people mourn the loss of me,I do not think I could take everyone I know.

"What now?" I ask Lilly. We were in our meadow again,the only place I really want to be with her."Whatever we want." Lilly smiles at me. She isn't as angry with me anymore,which is good since we will be with each other forever now.

"Do you see a light yet?" She asks. I didn't. Lilly explained to me that the light she saw was just a type of portal that dead people use to bring them to a place that isn't heaven or hell,just a place where all the dead people just chill.

"No." I say. I kiss Lilly and feel content with life,or the after-life in our case.

Do I regret killing myself? No.I lost my human life, but I gained an immortal lifestyle as a ghost with my Lilly.

Would I do it again? Yes.

Am I crazy for doing it? Probably,but I don't care.

Lilly and I just continue living our never ending lives together....