Broken Minds

“Look at yourself. How can you stand to look at yourself in the mirror? Huh?” Zach stood behind William, his current fling of a few weeks, looking in a full length mirror. He lifted William’s shirt and grabbed the tiny, nearly nonexistent flab between his fingers. “Don’t you see all this fat? Who would want to be with someone this heavy? It’s disgusting. You disgust me.” The repulsion was evident in his voice. He gave William one last look over, and then he was gone, leaving William to stand in the mirror alone replaying those last three words in his head, you disgust me.

William stared at his reflection long after Zach had left him. He tried to pinch the fat on his side like Zach had done, but he was unable to. Still, tears welled in his eyes. The fat was there even if he couldn't grab it.

“Zach’s right," William whispered to himself. "I’m fat. I’m disgusting. How did I not see this before?” He kept repeating what Zach had said, over and over again, as if it were a mantra, like he was trying to make himself believe it. Maybe he already did, just didn’t want to. Yet why would Zach lie?

That night when William was lying in bed, his head filled with thoughts about how to lose the weight. Being on tour kept him from gaining any extra weight, but what about the extra weight he had to begin with? Touring was going to end shortly, which meant he’d lose the benefit of exercise on stage. He had to think of something soon.

The following morning William met in the hotel lobby with the rest of his band mates. They all looked well rested. Sisky came up to him and clapped a hand on his back.

“Late night?” Sisky smirked, showing the full insinuation of those two simple words. William only replied with a yawn. If they only knew his late night wasn’t the kind they were all thinking of.

“Tour bus is packed. Let’s go,” Andy called out to the five guys. They all headed out, William being the last to board.

“Want to play me?” Mike Carden asked, holding out a controller for William.

“No thanks. I think I’m going to try to get some more sleep.” His exhaustion was obvious in his voice.

“Suit yourself.” He handed the control over to Chizzy as William continued to the bunks.

He climbed in and lied down, but didn't go straight to sleep. He kept still for quite a while, feeling the vibration of the bus rolling down the highway, listening to the whir of the tires on pavement and the hushed sounds coming through the shut door which thankfully blocked out the majority of sound on the rest of the bus. Slowly shutting his busy mind down, William finally drifted off, getting the sleep he should have got the previous night, the sleep his body desperately needed.

“Wake up Bill.” William felt someone shaking his shoulder and heard his name, but instead of getting up he turned onto his side, trying to get away from the annoyance. “Bill.” The voice was getting louder every time it said his name. “You try,” the voice finally said.

“Get your ass up! Now!” A new voice shouted into his ear, causing him to start. When he jumped he heard laughing. William turned onto his back and saw Sisky and Butcher standing there with amused looks on their faces. It was only at that moment he realized the first voice had belonged to Sisky. Sisky was always the one to try to wake someone up nicely. No one else tried to be pleasant about it. At least not when it came to waking William.

William yawned and stretched, letting out a loud long groan in the process. Sisky was still standing there a smile on his face.

“We are at the venue; sound check is in a half hour.” With that, Sisky was gone.

William looked at the time on his phone. It read five o’clock. He never planned to sleep that long, and he wondered why no one had woke him up before now. He made a mental note, somewhere in his overcrowded busy mind, to ask.

After putting his shoes on, William got off the bus and headed inside the venue. The moment he closed the heavy steel door, he was hit with the scent of food. He was starving, as his stomach was constantly reminding him, and that only made the food smell even better. He could pick out the scent of chicken wings and pizza, his two favorite things to eat when backstage at a show.

Not paying any attention to where he was going, his feet led him to the catering room which was filled with food. He came to a stop when he was standing directly in front of the chicken wings which were piled high on a plate and seemed to be begging 'eat me'.

“Take a couple, they’re really good,” Butcher said from behind William, a chicken wing in his hand.

Without thinking, William grabbed a small plate and placed five wings on it. He stepped away from the temptation at the table and stood there, staring at the food in front of him. He was salivating at the thought of tasting one.

“Just this one last time, I’ll just eat these and be done,” William thought to himself. He picked up the first one and took a bite. “Mmm.” He closed his eyes to savor the taste, the flavor dancing on his tongue. He felt like he was in heaven. They were the best chicken wings he'd ever tasted.

He opened his eyes after taking the final bite and looked down at the plate in his hand. It had five bones. He hadn’t planned on eating all five, he hadn't even realized he had. It was as if hunger kicked in and took over his body. He pushed that fact to the back of his mind and headed to the stage for the sound check.

“Hey. Ready?” Mike asked. He had his guitar already strapped on. Everyone was in their places on the stage, waiting for their lead singer.

“Always. Let’s do this.” William took a deep breath and jumped up onto the stage, ready to go.

All through the three songs they ran through, the only thing William noticed was the feeling of the food in his stomach. The thought of chicken wings sitting heavy in his gut started to make him feel sick. The last half of the final song he stood there, completely still, one hand on the mic stand and the other on his stomach.

He stopped short of singing the last few words. You’re fat. You’re disgusting. was the only thing running through his head, obscuring the lyrics he thought he had memorized. He couldn't take it anymore.

William jumped off the stage and ran to the bathroom, locking the door, silently thanking whatever God was out there that it was a single person bathroom so that he didn't have to worry about anyone seeing him. He dropped to his knees in front of the toilet as the feeling of nausea increased.

“You’re fat. Can’t eat. Have to do this,” William whispered to himself. He brought his left hand up and shoved his first and middle fingers to the back of his throat. He only gagged, so he tried it again. “Fuck.” It wasn’t working. He took a deep breath relaxing him. His heart sped up. Feeling it thump against his chest, he stuck his fingers down his throat again.

This time he pushed his fingers further as he gagged, not relenting until his body lurched forward as tears escaped the corner of his eyes, the contents of his stomach no longer there. He held tightly to the side of the seat as his body rid itself of the poison, coughing and spitting in the aftershock.

When he finally felt he was finished, he pulled away and sat back against the cool tile wall, trying to slow his breathing. He closed his eyes trying to think over what he had just done. William reached over his head and pulled down some toilet paper that he then used to wipe his mouth clean. Discarding the paper, he flushed as he stood up on shaky legs. Trembling hands reached out to grab the sink, using it as a balance.

“You had to,” he told himself as he looked at his reflection in the mirror over the sink. “You’re fat. You had to.” He sniffed, wiping his hand under his nose before washing his hands. There was a terrible taste in his mouth, so he brought his face down to the running water and spit out the water he took in several times. He repeated it until he was certain he couldn’t taste the food anymore.

Exiting the bathroom, he found that the rest of his band mates had already gathered around the door, concerned expressions written all over their faces. William felt like a deer in headlights. Had they heard him in there puking? His face felt flushed.

“You okay?” Butcher questioned.

All William could think to do was nod. He was trying to think of a lie. He couldn’t tell them the truth. “Yeah, I - um, I think I ate too fast before going out there.” They looked skeptical but seemed to buy it for the moment. At least they didn’t say anymore as they walked away.

“I need to be more careful. That was close,” he muttered to himself before following the others back out to the bus.

When he stepped onto the bus they were all gathered in the front lounge. No one really looked concerned about him anymore. He continued to the table after grabbing a bottle of water. Sisky joined him waiting his turn to play.

“Hey,” Sisky mentioned, opening his own water.

“Hey.” William’s voice sounded raw and he hoped Sisky didn't noticed.

“You sure you’re all right?” Sisky asked. William's hope was dashed.

“Yeah. I’m just tired. My stomach still feels queasy,” he lied. Sisky nodded. He was always very understanding. “I’ve got a question for you though.”

“Shoot.” He smiled, hearing the others cheer for something one of them had just done.

“Why didn’t anyone wake me up earlier? Why let me sleep until nearly time for sound check?” He decided now was as good a time as any to ask the question he had earlier.

“Oh, well –“ Sisky looked thoughtful for a moment. “You looked so tired when we left this morning we just thought we’d let you sleep. When it got closer to sound check and you were still sleeping we figured it best to wake you. We hadn’t thought you’d sleep that late.” Sisky shrugged at the end like it was no big deal.

When he was met with silence, Sisky just stood up and joined the rest in the front lounge, leaving William alone to bask in his thoughts. A bad thing for him to do. If they only knew.

As William sat there, he thought about what he had done earlier. You’re fat continued to dominate his thoughts. He placed his head down on his arms as he rested them on the table, the cool surface doing little to stop the rambling of his brain. He couldn’t think of a good way to derail his need to eat. If he couldn’t find a way to stop the cravings, he was never going to lose any weight. Then how many other people, besides Zach, would start telling him he’s disgustingly fat? Were they already thinking that? There was no way to know. Maybe they were just being polite by not saying anything in the first place. He'd gone through all his life in the same disgusting body, and no one had the nerve to tell him.

He could feel his eyes start to tear up, and so William got up and made his way into his bunk. He laid face down, buried in his pillow as his tears started to fall. He hated feeling like he was helpless, feeling like he was alone. There was no one to turn to, to talk to. No one to actually tell him he wasn’t disgusting, he wasn’t fat and to make him believe it. He was longing for someone. If only he could cry out for help.

The others carried on in their usual way until they had to get ready for the show. William stayed shut inside his bunk, afraid. He was afraid the fans would notice the weight he had gained that Zach so prominently had pointed out the previous night. He didn’t want to face them, but it was too late to pull out, he couldn’t just call in sick like a normal job. This wasn’t a normal job.

William rifled through his suitcase, ignoring the tighter shirts that he would've normally wore in favor for a looser fitting one. He didn't want to make his weight more obvious than it already was When he was dressed he joined the others as they got off the bus and ran into the venue to wait backstage to go on. The opening act was already on stage doing their thing. William was nervous. He still felt like his shirt didn’t hide him enough, but there was nothing he could do about it now.

They all ran onto the stage to deafening screams from the hundreds of girls packed into the tiny venue. William forced a smile to his face as they jumped right into the first song. William didn’t go as close to the front edge of the stage as usual. He didn’t want the girls to be touching and pulling at him as much as before. He thought they would feel the fat and he didn’t want them to find out how gross his body really was. The girls didn’t seem to notice and still reached and tried their hardest to touch him when they thought they could.

He was exhausted by the end of the show; not eating meant he didn't have nearly as much energy. He ran off stage and like the others, went straight back to the bus to change out of their sweaty clothes. It wasn’t real cold out but he put a sweatshirt on anyway.

William stepped off the bus for final autographs for the girls waiting around for him and the rest of his band mates. He smiled his usual smile in every picture, to them it was real but to William it was façade.

“Can I have a hug?” one girl about fifteen asked. William felt the panic rise at the simple question. He nodded before he could stop himself and now he couldn’t back out. He hugged the girl and she hugged back even tighter. When they pulled away she looked at him with a big smile. “Thank you so much.” He was expecting her to comment on his weight, but she didn't say anything else. Inside, William breathed a deep sigh of relief.

It was nearly an hour before he could go back on the bus, but the girls had thinned out and left after they got what they wanted. Luckily for him, only three other girls asked for a hug. He wasn't sure he could take anymore than that.

When he was back safely on the bus he went straight to his bunk and collapsed. He was beyond exhausted. He couldn’t keep his eyes open long. They were closed before Sisky had made it back on the bus only five minutes later. He never felt the bus leave.

The routine for William stayed the same for the next time, lasting all the way through the last three shows of the tour. Gradually, it became a habit. He couldn't break it, couldn't shake the thoughts in his head, and he never tried.