Broken Minds

Gabe sat in his car, completely silent. His mind struggled to come up with answers, wondering what was going on, what the point of what William was doing, what he’d done. He didn’t understand. He thought they were making progress. Then he remembered the look of fear on William's face when he had been caught. Gabe could only replay that moment so many times in his head before it became too much. He started his car and took off. He had no idea where he was going. He just had to go somewhere.

In a daze, Gabe drove the familiar streets for a while before ending up in front of a nice 2-story house. All that was missing in the picture perfect frame was a white picket fence. He was certain someday there would be one. He got out and went up to the door knocking. He was about to walk back to his car when the door finally opened.

“Gabe? What the hell you doing here at like 11?” The man before him questioned. He was in flannel pajama pants and a tee.

“I’m sorry Pete. I just need a place to crash for a little while. Get my mind straight.” Gabe started. “I’ll leave if you want me to.”

“No. No. Stay.” He let the other man in and they went into the living room and sat on the couch.

“Where’s Bill?”

“Back at his place still.” Gabe was staring off into space. He didn’t want to look Pete in the eye. He felt terrible for the way he reacted.

“What happened? Is everything all right? You look a right mess. Fuck. You’ve been crying dude, haven’t you?” Pete accused after noticing the redness of Gabe’s eyes in the dim light. “Is Bill okay? Gabe, you gotta talk to me here.”

“He’s fine as far as I know. I really don’t want to talk right now. I just need a place to chill.” Gabe said flatly, trying to hide the true emotions in his voice.

“It has to do with him though doesn’t it? Why you’re here at 11 fucking o’clock at night?”

“Pete, please don’t,” Gabe warned.

“I’m not asking details so don’t fucking bite my head off.” Pete’s voice had an edge to it.

Gabe sighed, giving in. “Yes. It has to do with him.” Pete nodded. He understood it was something personal and wasn’t going to even think to dig for more. Gabe was upset enough. That would be a conversation for another day.

“How long you think you need?” Pete asked.

“Just a few hours. Then I’ll be gone and out of your hair again.” Gabe tried to smile but it failed.

“Take however long you need. You want me to stay up with you?” Pete placed a hand on Gabe’s thigh, assuring him he would if he wanted.

“No. Go to back to bed. I’ll be fine.” Gabe tried to sound reassuring.

“Alright. Just lock the door on your way out.” Gabe nodded and Pete got up and left the room.

Gabe sat there on the couch and in the silence that moment started to replay in his mind. He closed his eyes and pressed the palms of his hand against his eyes until he saw stars. He was willing that image to disappear, to fade from his memory. It wasn’t working. Tears slowly started to fall from his eyes, dripping onto his shirt. He sat there and cried, something he figured William was probably doing too. Neither of them had someone to console, to comfort them, to hold them and tell them it would be all right. That everything would be fine. They needed each other and yet had no one.

It was going on 3 am when Gabe made his way back to the apartment. He tried the door and it was unlocked. He was surprised to see no one anywhere in sight. He thought they’d still be there partying it up. He stepped inside the eerily quiet apartment then shut the front door and locked it. He started turning lights off throughout the entire place. It seemed like every single light was on.

He made his way quietly into towards the bedroom. The door was shut. As slowly as he could, he opened the door. He didn't want to take the chance of waking a sleeping William. When he got in there and the door shut, he saw William lying on the bed in his usual spot. He was curled up in a ball, hugging a pillow tightly to his chest.

Gabe clicked on the light beside the bed, illuminating the room in a soft glow. He kneeled behind the sleeping form and laid his hand on his shoulder. He leaned down and over to look at his face. His eyes were puffy, his skin splotchy, evidence of William's tears. It only served to make him feel worse. He hated that he had been the cause of William's tears when all he wanted to do is help William get better. He felt like the scum on the bottom of a dirty shoe. Was he any better than William's ex? Leaving the younger man when he was clearly in need?

“Bilvy,” Gabe murmured softly. “Bilvy.”

William awoke and turned to see Gabe standing over him. He sat up immediately and reached out to hug Gabe, pulling him down onto the bed.

“I’m sorry Gabe. I’m so sorry.” William was pleading to him, fresh tears falling onto Gabe’s shirt.

“I’m sorry Bilvy. I shouldn’t have left like that. I shouldn’t have hurt you like I did. Forgive me?” Gabe’s tears were starting to fall again too. He rocked William as he apologized.

“I forgive you. I really do. I deserved it for-for what I-I did. I should be-be the one asking for for-forgiveness. I love you.” William’s voice choked up. “Forgive me please Gabe. Pl-please?”

“Of course I forgive you. I love you too. So, so much.” Gabe’s voice was just as raspy as William’s from the quantity of tears shed.

They stayed that way for a while, holding each other until the tears ran dry. When William yawned Gabe pulled back and looked at him. He could see how tired the other was. Without words, he got up and pulled back blankets. William took the hint and crawled underneath them. Gabe removed his jeans and joined him. William tucked his head against Gabe’s chest listening to his heartbeat until they were both asleep.

It was nearly noon when they woke up. The unwelcome sunlight invaded the room, dancing across the blankets on the bed. William moved when Gabe groaned as he stretched. He got up quickly and left William alone in the bed. He let out a small snicker when he heard the obscene sounds coming from Gabe in the bathroom. Slowly he made his way out of the bedroom for his turn next.

Once they were both fully awake, they sat on the couch. Gabe had his feet propped up on the coffee table and William followed. They didn’t turn the television on yet, so they were staring a black screen.

“I need to know something Bill.” Gabe turned his head to look beside him. William was afraid this was going to happen. He didn’t know what exactly Gabe wanted, but he feared it. “We’re still cool. I just need to know why? Why were you forcing yourself to puke yesterday?”

“Um-” William felt his mouth go dry and his stomach sink. “It felt like I had to do something.” Gabe looked at him waiting for more. “You know that feeling when you feel like you have to puke and yet you can’t, or won’t.” Gabe nodded. “That’s what I was feeling. The pizza was sitting so heavy with the alcohol. I just --I had to do something. I wish I hadn’t because then you wouldn’t have left. But it was too late.” He looked at Gabe. “Do you believe me? Do you still trust me?”

“Yeah. I get what you’re saying. I believe you regret that decision. And yes, I still trust that you will get better. I love you too much not to.” Gabe gave a sad smile. He really did love William and hated seeing him go through everything he was.

“I love you too, Gabey baby.” William held a straight face until Gabe started laughing at the nickname, then William couldn't help but join in. It served to lighten the serious moment, instantly making both of them feel better. It was then that William believed they could still get through this, that they were still all right and he still had nothing to fear when it came to Gabe. He just didn’t want to screw it up again. But he figured that was inevitable. Somehow, someway, someday he would mess up. He just hoped Gabe would stick with him through it.

Three days passed by quickly. The only thing that had changed since then was Gabe was now following him to the bathroom whenever he went that direction, especially after eating. Gabe wanted to make sure William was still doing okay. He was back to eating his small simple meals again and keeping them down.

Currently he was in the bathroom after announcing he was going to take a shower. Gabe was seated on the couch in the living room. He had no problem giving him the freedom to do certain things such as shower. He didn't want to take away William's privacy entirely. Besides, it had been several hours since he had eaten and he knew there wasn’t anything sharp that William could cut himself with again.

William stood in front of the mirror and looked at himself. He could tell he was gaining weight back. He could see it in the way his ribs, his hips, weren’t so prominent, his stomach wasn’t as concave. He reached up and ran his hands through his hair and down his face. He hated it, he absolutely hated it. His stomach gave a slight rumble that only resulted in him frantically searching the bathroom for something sharp. He came up empty handed.

Panicked, he wrapped the towel around his waist and dashed into the bedroom. Quickly, he dressed in his usual attire of jeans and a long sleeved shirt. Sure the cuts were healed now, but he didn't want to show off the scars. He didn’t want to show his imperfections to the world, his fans, his friends, and most of all his bandmates.

William continued to look for anything available while in the bedroom. He could see a mirror, a glass, and the lamp by the bedside. But he couldn't use those. He'd have to break them for them to work, and then Gabe would hear it and come rushing in. He didn’t want that. He opened the drawer on the nightstand and found a CD lying there.

Carefully he picked it up and looked at it. It was some blank CD he had burned a while ago. He couldn’t remember what was on it anymore and didn't really care. He turned it over and over in his hands studying it, debating. Lying it down on the bed he folded the blanket over top of it and pressed down on one side of the disc and pulled up opposite his hand until he felt it break. He could hardly hear it snap so he knew Gabe hadn’t heard either.

Pulling up his sleeve, he glanced at the shut door and listened for any sign Gabe was nearby. Satisfied with the silence he brought the broken plastic to his wrist. With bated breath he started scratching until he felt the burn and scratched some more until he was pleased with the traces of blood rushing towards the surface of his now broken skin.

“Hey Bilvy, want to go see a actual movie in an actual movie theater?” William heard called from outside the door and getting louder as Gabe moved closer. Frantically, he pulled his sleeve down, smearing the dots of crimson and shoved the now broken disc into the drawer of his nightstand again. He took a couple steps away from the area and was rounding the end of the bed when the door opened revealing Gabe.

“Hey,” Gabe said with a smile. “So do you?”

“Uh, um-sure.” William was trying to calm his breathing down from the sudden pace it had picked up as he had realized Gabe was coming closer and about to catch him.

Later that night after getting back from the theater, they were seated on the couch curled up under a blanket for extra warmth that was not really needed. They had just ate a snack and were relaxing while watching whatever they could find on the television. William’s head was laying on Gabe’s shoulder with Gabe’s arm around the younger one’s shoulder, holding him close.

William sat up and moved the blanket quickly and got up. Gabe turned to watch him and upon seeing him head for the bathroom he got up as well. He was only three steps behind his boyfriend. William got in and was about to shut the door when Gabe stopped it with his hand. He held his arm stiff to keep William from shutting the door on him entirely.

“What the hell Gabe?” William’s voice held a slight edge to it.

“I’m making sure we don’t have a repeat of the other day. You haven’t forgotten about that yet have you?” Gabe questioned with the same tone of agitation in his voice. He didn’t like following William anymore than William liked Gabe following him.

Rolling his eyes and sighing, William stepped away from the door and quit fighting to shut it on Gabe. So much for privacy. He made his way inside further and stared at the wall straight ahead as he relieved himself while Gabe stood in the doorway. He didn’t know where Gabe was looking and really didn’t care.

William turned when finished and saw Gabe standing in the doorway still his back leaning against the frame he was staring straight ahead as well with his arms crossed over his chest. He only turned to look at William when he heard the water running in the sink next to him. When their eyes met William gave a half smile.

“Let's go,” he said as he pushed on Gabe to make him move out of the doorway so they could go back to watching their show cuddled up on the couch underneath their blanket.

They were lying in bed that night, Gabe tucked in behind William, holding on to him. William could feel his breath on the back of his shoulder as Gabe moved, leaning in even closer and placing soft kisses on his shoulder and up his neck to his chin. William turned onto his back and looked through the darkness into Gabe’s eyes.

Gabe leaned down and met him in a slow kiss, his hand on William’s side. William brought his free arm up and wrapped it around Gabe’s back pulling him down into the kiss more. Gabe rubbed his hips against William’s, eliciting a moan from himself. William brought his hand down and freed his other arm. Gabe maneuvered so he was nearly lying on top of the younger man and leaned into the kiss even further.

Gabe’s hand slid down William’s side and down his thigh, rubbing as he bit William’s lower lip, tugging gently. William sucked in a breath as Gabe’s arm brushed against his growing erection. Gabe knew where this was taking them. William reached between them. His hand was dangerously close to Gabe’s dick. He was about as hard as William. The moment Gabe felt a hand on his cock he broke the kiss and looked at William.

“You’re not going to get what you want out of this so please don’t try. I know you want it. Fuck, I want it. But your mind still isn’t in the place it needs to be, so I’m going to stop it before it ever begins.” With that Gabe moved off of William and lied down beside him again. William whimpered but turned back onto his side letting Gabe hold him. He could feel Gabe’s erection pressed against his back and knew Gabe was just as uncomfortable as William was.

“You suck, Gabe,” William chided in the dark.

“Haha, not yet I don’t.” Gabe’s smile could be heard in his voice as he pressed a kiss again to the back of William’s shoulder. “Just close your eyes and go to sleep.”

“What about our little situations?” William mumbled out with a yawn.

“They’ll take care of themselves. Not like we both won’t wake with the same situations anyway. So what’s going to sleep with one?” Gabe moved his hips back slightly so his whole body wasn’t pressed so tightly to his friend. He heard a moan from William at the loss of contact. He didn’t fight the issue, and with another yawn he started to drift off to sleep.

In the morning, Gabe woke first. He climbed out of the comfortableness of the bed and the warmth of William next to him and traded them both for a chilly room and quiet footsteps to the coffee maker. He stood leaning against the counter as he watched the coffee drip into the pot below. Closing his eyes, he thought back to the previous night. His thoughts drifted back to what they'd start and never finished. Never finished because he stopped it. All he could think of was how badly he wanted to feel how William felt inside. Wanted to finally be able to feel all of him completely.

However, Gabe knew that just wasn’t a feasible option currently. Sure William would go along with it, probably wanted as bad as he did. But he wanted him to be able to remember it at a better place in his life. He wanted for William to have a clear mind. He didn’t want him to just want it because it was attention towards him when he thought no one would or figured he didn’t deserve it either. Gabe wanted it to be for the same reason he wanted it, love and nothing else. Just pure love for the other person involved. He didn’t want William to have a broken mind when he gave all of himself that he could give.