Broken Minds

William came shuffling out to the kitchen as Gabe sat down at the table with his steaming cup of coffee. Gabe watched as the younger man grabbed a bottle of water out of the refrigerator then proceeded to sit down across from him with a sigh. William still looked exhausted, which confused Gabe. He hadn't recalled William waking up during the night. A restless body against his would've prevented Gabe from sleeping, yet he'd managed to get a decent night's rest. Besides, they had stayed snuggled for the most part a majority of the night.

He watched as William tried to stifle a yawn and then proceeded to lay his head in his hands, his fingers mixing in with his hair only to hold his head up. The darkness under his eyes did nothing to make him look more appealing, but to Gabe he still looked beautiful. Nothing could change that, not even the effects of William's sickness. He was Gabe’s angel and was hurting. Gabe had always known William to be bright. He truly had a beautiful soul. That's what people had come to expect of William, but the side Gabe had seen recently was different. William wasn't as strong as he used to be, he had been worn down and beaten to the ground. Gabe could only hope that the progress they'd made would bring the old William back.

“Everything alright there Bilvy?” Gabe asked, cocking his head to the side as he set his mug down gently on the table.

“Huh?” William murmured, glancing up through messy bangs.

“You okay? You look like you didn’t sleep at all last night,” Gabe tried again.

“Yeah. I’m fine. Just have stuff on my mind.” William moved to put his head down on his arms as he continued sitting there.

Gabe stood up and moved over to William. He stood behind him, placing his hands on William's shoulders before leaning down to place a soft kiss to the back of his head. He moved to whisper into his ear.

“Go back to bed. You look exhausted. I’ll be fine out here for a little while longer.” With that he stood up and waited for William to sit up. He held out his hand to help the other up. William grasped it, letting the older man help him to his feet and then lead him to the bedroom.

Gabe waited until William was underneath the covers again before leaving. He glanced over his shoulder at William one last time before gently shutting the door behind him. He wished he could make him better with the snap of his fingers. That only happened in movies. This was anything but make-believe.

While William slept, Gabe made himself a fruit salad for his breakfast. He cut plenty of fruit so that there would be more than enough left over for William to eat later. He tried hard to keep William's diet manageable; meals consisted of light foods, things that he knew wouldn't have William running for the bathroom. After eating, he settled onto the couch to watch some tv. His eyes remained glued to the tv screen, yet the dialogue wasn't registering. All he could think of was William. While William was constantly on his mind, Gabe had no idea what William was thinking. That was what worried him the most. Clearly something had been keeping William awake at night, costing him hours of sleep that he desperately needed to recover. He wished he knew what it was so that he could at least make an attempt at fixing it. Unfortunately, his only chance of finding out was to become a mind reader, and that was unlikely. He knew William wasn't going to be forthright, not with all that he'd tried to keep secret in the past. Gabe had already uncovered so many secrets, it made him wonder what William still had left to hide.

It was nearly noon when William finally emerged from the bedroom again. Gabe heard footsteps into the kitchen and the fridge door open, and he assumed William was getting something to eat. He stayed sitting on the couch, waiting for the other to come in and sit down next to him. He was comfortable and was interested in the movie on that he didn’t feel up to getting up and missing some of the program.

William came in about ten minutes later, taking the seat next to Gabe without a word. He leaned against Gabe and tried in vain to figure out what was happening in the movie. He gave up trying to figure it out and stood up. Gabe glanced up at him with questioning eyes

“I can’t figure it out and it’s more than half over so instead of being lost from now until the end I’m just going to shower.” William announced as he walked to the bedroom to grab his clothes for the day. Gabe nodded and turned back to the screen.

As William stood in the bedroom, his clothes in his hand, he looked at the nightstand and what he knew was in there still. He honestly debated it. In the end he shook his head and walked out. He had to stop it; it wasn’t something he could continue to do. He had enough scars as it was.

Walking into the bathroom, his feet protested against the cold tile on his bare skin. He quickly made his way to the bath rug then removed his shirt and boxers. He had managed to get away with a long sleeved shirt the previous night in bed, and he hoped the good fortune would continue. He didn't want Gabe to see that he had slipped again, he couldn't stand disappointing Gabe anymore than he already had.

He turned the hot water on and waited for the heat to exit the faucet. Once he felt the warmth start to hit his hand he adjusted the temperature to a warmer hot, but not scalding. He looked at the door making sure he had locked it as the water roared out of the faucet. He looked over at the toilet after seeing he had indeed locked the door.

William kneeled down in front of it and took a deep breath. He couldn’t believe he was doing this over eating fruit, the fruit Gabe had left for him. Fruit, something good for him. Still, his fingers met the back of his throat. He tried his best not to cough and spit after emptying his stomach because he didn’t want the older man to find out. He wanted to make Gabe proud of him, he wanted Gabe to be happy, but he simply wasn't strong enough. He couldn't even stop his actions anymore.

Standing underneath the stream, the water mixed with his tears. He couldn’t help himself and just cried silent sobs. He was losing himself more and more and knew he was going to lose his love because of his inability to do what he should.

Finally, after the tears stopped he finished his shower and got dressed. He stood looking in the mirror at the paleness of his skin, at the scars marking up his arms. He stayed staring in the reflective surface at himself as he ran his hands over the scars. His stomach started to rumble, wanting food again since he was now empty. He closed his eyes as he bowed his head before putting on a fake happy face and exiting the bathroom.

“Hey there,” Gabe chirped after seeing the boy finally emerge.

“Hey,” William tried to mimic the playfulness of Gabe’s voice.

He sat down next to Gabe like usual and tucked his legs up on the couch. His stomach grumbled slightly, quiet enough William thought that Gabe hadn’t heard. However, when Gabe turned to him at that same moment he knew it was heard. Playfully, Gabe placed his hand on William’s stomach and looked the other boy in the eyes.

“Someone’s hungry.” Gabe had a playful smile on his face to match his voice.

“Actually, I’m not right now.” William didn’t want to eat right then. He usually didn't. The only reason he hate was for Gabe, but he really wasn’t hungry at this time. He couldn't handle any food. Gabe got up and went to the kitchen regardless of William's insisting.

William got up as his stomach grumbled again. He went into the kitchen where Gabe stood getting a drink. He ended up grabbing a couple crackers to try to shut his stomach up. The older one watched as William ate them, and then proceeded to head back towards the bathroom. He saw Gabe following him and anger started to flood his veins.

“Look, I just have to piss. I don’t need you fucking watching me,” William snapped, turning towards Gabe who stopped suddenly with a stunned look on his face. Gabe held up his hands in surrender and let William go on his way. He shut the door a little harsher that needed.

He stood outside the door quietly to make sure William wasn’t lying. Not that he thought he was, but he had to admit he didn’t fully trust William. He wanted to, but after catching him that one time kind of broke the trust he had. He told himself time and time again that what he’d seen was just a one-time thing and wouldn’t see it again. It wouldn’t happen again because William, the man he loved wholeheartedly, was getting better.

As soon as Gabe heard William washing his hands, he quickly moved away from the door and sat on the couch. He grabbed the remote and began surfing the channels. He didn't want William to catch him checking up on him; although he still didn't trust William completely, he didn't want to ruin their friendship any further by making the lack of faith obvious. William came back out and Gabe chanced a quick look back at him. William’s face was blank except the look in his eyes of that little bit of anger still lingering. He wished he wasn’t mad at him, but in a way he understood. He’d be more than a little upset if someone always followed him to the bathroom. But he figured his concerns were warranted.

That evening they sat at the table eating takeout. William was finally trying something more than just the bland food. He wasn’t eating anything too out there, just honey chicken from the Chinese place down the street. So far everything had been going down well.

He finished the little bit he had decided to try, then sat there and watched Gabe who was still eating. He felt a rumble in his stomach and suddenly thought that maybe he shouldn’t have tried something new. He took in a deep breath and held it back. Numbers of calories just consumed ran through his head. How much weight was eating that going to make him gain? He’d already gained some back and knew it. He didn’t want to gain any more; he was already getting fat again.

William seriously started contemplating the one thought he knew would fix that particular problem of weight gain. Gabe looked at him seeing the look on his face; he could tell the wheels were turning, and he didn’t like the possible outcome of so much heavy thinking.

Not caring, William got up quickly and rushed towards the bathroom. He got in and slammed the door, knowing Gabe was right behind him. He knelt down and produced the results his body had been wanting. He continued to try to produce more until he was certain there wasn’t anything else to purge. He sat there breathing heavy tears in his eyes. What had he just done?

Gabe had gotten up so quick he knocked his chair backwards the moment he saw William dash towards the one room he didn’t want him to. He just got within a few feet of the door when he was met with the slamming of the door. Instead of knocking and begging for William to open the door -- he knew William wouldn’t-- he stood right outside the door leaning his forehead against it. Through the wood he could clearly hear the sound of retching. His heart started breaking. That was the last thing he wanted William to be doing. Tears burned his eyes. He had no idea what else he could do. He sank down to the floor just outside the door and waited for the god-awful sounds to stop and for his love to come out.

William slowly opened the door and saw Gabe’s feet, signaling he was still there and had heard. There was nothing he could do or say to change what he had just done. He opened the door fully and stepped out and continued past Gabe. He didn’t want to see the look of disappointment on his face. He couldn’t take it.

He made his way into the kitchen and looked around. His stomach was telling him to eat again. To try again. One more time. Only problem was his brain was telling him no. There was a battle going on internally. He wanted to fight them both and not do anything. The voices were getting louder and louder.

Gabe came rushing into the kitchen at the sound of dishes shattering. William was standing at the counter several broken plates laying at his feet and another one in his hand. He stood shocked, unsure of what was going on.

“Bill,” Gabe’s voice held an airy sound of disbelief. William stood there, a wild look on his face, breathing hard. He looked in a way Gabe had never seen and didn’t ever want to see again. “What are you doing?”

William looked at Gabe, only he wasn’t looking at him. He was looking through him. It was as if Gabe wasn’t really standing there. Gabe took a step closer and William slammed the current plate in his hand against the counter, shattering it. He held the piece up in his hand still and continued to look through Gabe.

Gabe took another step closer towards William, that only caused the troubled man to raise the shard of glass more and held it out towards his own wrist. He reached his arm out shakily to William wanting him to stop, to put it down.

“Bill, please stop. Put the broken plate down.” Gabe was trying to keep his voice even, calm and reassuring. He didn’t want the fear to show in his voice. The fear of what was to come.

“No,” William stated sharply, shaking his head as he said the word.

“Come on, you don’t need to do this.” Gabe was stopped. He stood in fear as the glass came closer to William’s wrist. It was then he suddenly noticed several newer marks. He had no idea when they had happened, but they weren’t that old. They weren’t scars like the rest. Scars like he thought was all that was left on his love’s wrists.

“Don’t try and stop me,” William said his voice rising.

“Don’t do this,” Gabe’s voice stayed even. It was getting harder to keep his voice clam. “Look what you’re doing to yourself. You’re not helping yourself doing this. Just stop.”

“No!” Gabe could see how hard the boy was breathing, he was terrified as well.

“I can’t stand seeing you torture yourself. Bilvy. I love you. Please put it down.” Gabe could feel tears pricking his eyes.

“If you can’t stand it then don’t watch. I’m not a child! I don’t need you to baby-sit my ass all day! I can go to the bathroom without needing supervision! I hate you following me all the god dammed time! I hate you Gabriel!” William spat. “You don’t love me! No one can! I’m a mess!”

“I do love you, more than you’ll ever know. That’s why I can’t stand to watch you hurt yourself,” Gabe tried a tear sliding down his cheek. He did nothing to stop it, nothing to wipe it way.

“Liar! Get out.” Gabe took a step back. “Get out! NOW! Just-Just! Get! Out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Go! Get out of my house!” As William continued to shout the plate he was currently holding met his wrist and started marking with every word a new scratch would appear. Gabe watched in shock as the blood started dripping off William’s arm. They weren’t the little shallow cuts he was used to seeing mark up his arm. These were deeper, angry cuts.

Gabe took another step closer towards William, his legs shaking fear filling his entire body. William looked up at him from his arm and shook his head.

“GET OUT!” He yelled and reached up into his cupboard behind him and threw the last unbroken plate at Gabe and missing. Gabe backed up again only to have bowls and whatever else was right there thrown at him as he was continuously shouted at to get out. He backed out of the kitchen as the last glass, the last unbroken item in William’s cupboard, was thrown shattering against the wall beside him.

“Bill,” Gabe pleaded one last time.

“Get the fuck out,” William snarled, blood pooling in his hand and dripping onto the floor. He lifted his bloodied arm and pointed towards the door. Gabe took the final hint and headed for the door. As he opened it he heard William’s voice one last time, “And don’t come back.”