Broken Minds

William woke late the following morning, sprawled out on his bathroom floor with no recollection of ever moving to that room. His stomach churned and his head ached to the point it felt as if it were splitting open. The light was harsh, far too much for his eyes to take in and it only made his head ache more.

With a groan, he pried himself off the floor and stumbled into the living room. He made his way to the couch and saw sitting his coffee table still the bottle of Jack he’d bought the night before. It was nearly empty. “Fuck,” he moaned as he placed his hand to his head feeling the after effects of having drank so much even though it was apparent from where he’d woke up it hadn’t all stayed down. Whether is was just too much and his body voluntarily brought it back up or if it was his own hand that caused it he had no idea. He didn't want to know. For once he was thankful he couldn't recall much.

He went to the kitchen and saw how immaculate it was. He remembered vaguely cleaning the broken dishes before leaving to get the alcohol. Anything after that was a mystery to him, but he wasn’t going to try to remember. He knew there were no new marks on his body so he didn’t care.

He sat around his place and just stared into nothingness. He picked up his phone again, contemplating calling Gabe and begging him to come back but he didn’t want to sound desperate so he chose not to. He was holding his phone when he felt it vibrate and for a fleeting moment thought it was Gabe until he saw Sisky as the display name. He hit ignore. He was in no mood to talk to anyone unless it was Gabe. And maybe even then it wasn't a good idea. What would he say?

It was getting dark and William continued to sit and stare at his phone, waiting for that one call he wasn’t sure was ever going to come. He jumped when it went off catching him off guard. After regaining his composure and picking his phone back up off his lap he looked at who it was this time. “Fuck!” he screamed out seeing Mike’s name this time.

He threw his phone across the room, letting it hit the wall. He inwardly cursed when it didn’t break into a million tiny pieces. He decided to get up and go into the bedroom. He threw the blankets back and slid underneath the covers to hide from reality. While lying there and feeling himself get tired, he started thinking. He thought about the near empty bottle of whiskey and the whole other bottle he had and he thought about what he remembered to be hidden in the nightstand only inches from his head.

He sat up with a start and threw the drawer open, pulling too far. It fell to the floor, its contents spilling all over the place. He jumped down and started picking through everything until he found what he was looking for, the broken CD. He held it in his hand and turned it over several times, letting the shiny surface catch and refract the tiny bit of light shining through the blinds. He held it firmly in his right hand this time and looked at his left wrist marked in beauty with the scars.

William closed his eyes, he didn’t want to do this but he had to in order to make up for what he was about to do afterwards. His body was craving the numbness of the burn of alcohol and he as going to give it what it wanted. He opened his eyes again and looked at his wrist and brought the piece of plastic down to it and pressed the edge hard against his skin. He scratched it red then continued until he felt the skin break several times.

Looking down at his arm, he dropped the broken CD to the messy floor back in with the mess of stuff scattered throughout. He stood and made his way back out to the kitchen where he had put the whiskey. He stood there at the counter with the nearly empty bottle in his hand and took a deep breath before bringing it to his mouth. He chugged down the remaining swallows and then grabbed the unopened bottle and twisted the cap off. He sat down on his kitchen floor leaning against the cupboards and started drinking again.

He let himself go, he continued to drink and drink. He could feel the uneasiness starting to settle in his stomach, the effect of too much alcohol on an empty stomach. Still, he continued to drink. He started feeling sick and knew his body was going to reject the substance if he had anymore, but there was only a swallow left he told himself. He brought it up to his dry lips and took the last swig in one go. He threw the bottle to the floor and sat there with his head against the cabinets, breathing deeply. He could feel the alcohol wanting to rise back up and was doing his best to fight it back down. He couldn’t feel his body anymore, the poison having made it numb an hour ago. His body was hot and sweat was forming quickly and dripping off his brow.

He closed his eyes, trying to focus on anything trying to keep the room from spinning around him. He could feel his surroundings, but it wasn’t helping his current situation. The room continued to spin out of control. He could feel the alcohol rising to the back of his throat and every time he swallowed he fought it back down. His breathing was quick and shallow and let out a moan.

Suddenly, without warning the alcohol rose fiercely and he threw up all over himself and the floor around him. He couldn’t move quickly enough when it happened. He moved to his hands and knees as more rose and inevitably ended up on the floor before him. His arms were trembling with the weight of holding himself up and after a few more bouts of alcohol leaving his body he lied down in a somewhat clean spot next to him on the floor, too tired to move somewhere else or get cleaned up.

***

Gabe woke up, still leaning against the door. He groaned from a stiff neck as he made himself get up off the floor to go lie on the bed. He glanced at the clock, realizing it was nearly four. He lied down under the covers and tried to get back to sleep but it wouldn’t come. His mind was too busy thinking of William and what he was doing, what he had seen. He still couldn’t get that image out of his head.

He watched the light start to creep in from the gap in the curtains as the sun started to rise, sleep still evading him. He continued to lie there in bed, not wanting to move. He wished he’d fall back asleep to keep his mind from wandering back to the god awful picture embedded in his mind, but nothing was that simple or easy.

Finally, unable to take it anymore he got up still fully clothed from the night before. He glanced at the clock again. Check-out was in an hour. He'd wasted the entire night, and didn't feel any less stressed. He made his way down to the lobby up to the desk where a man stood happily chatting to someone he must have known. The man excused himself as he turned to Gabe.

“Checking out?” he asked.

“Actually I’d like one more night,” Gabe said the worry and tiredness shining through voice.

“Alright, do you have your credit card on you?” Gabe handed it to the man and waited as it was processed then signed the slip. “Alright Mr. Saporta you are all set for one more night. Enjoy your stay.” Gabe nodded and headed out to get a cup of good coffee. He never did like hotel coffee.

He drove to the Starbucks several blocks away, he always found it odd there wasn’t one closer to the hotel but wasn’t going to try to change that. He sat there in a corner, drinking his steaming liquid while trying to stay awake. He felt exhausted, but he knew there wasn't much of a point in climbing back into a bed. Despite his exhaustion, he'd never get a restful sleep. He watched couples walk past the window and secretly wished his life were more like that. They all seemed so in love with each other, as if the only thing they could see in the world was their loved one and nothing else mattered. He had hoped that for William and himself, but it was clear that wasn't in the cards.

When his drink was no longer hot, he decided to leave. He started walking toward his car, but stopped short when he saw a young couple near it talking. It looked like an intense conversation and he didn’t want to interrupt it to get into his car so he held back against the lamppost waiting. Once they moved on, he finished walking toward his car. He saw dark clouds in the distance and knew it was going to storm again. The perfect weather for the mood he was in.

He started driving around the city not caring where he was going just trying to clear his mind. He continued to drive and drive until he ended up back at the hotel. He went up to his room and just collapsed onto his bed. His mind was completely drained until he could barely function. The entire time he was driving around the city William was the only thing on his mind. Tears had started to cloud his vision several times and he had to pull over to clear them so he could see where he was driving.

It was dark out, and his phone still hadn’t rang that day. William hadn’t called him yet like he had hoped he would. He had naively hoped that William would come to his senses and want him back. Apparently that wasn’t the case, and it broke Gabe’s heart some more.

He tried to think of what he could do and decided to hit the bar up down in the lobby. Before he headed out down there, he changed his clothes into the other set that Victoria had brought to him the previous night when he had nothing. He made his way into the bar, sat down on an empty stool, and ordered a Vodka Redbull. He was sipping on it, not wanting to outdo himself like he knew he was capable of doing. He wasn’t really in the right mindset to drink like his usual self.

He had just finished his second drink around ten and had ordered a third. The bartender set it down in front of him when a petite hand was placed on his as he was about to grab the glass. He looked to his right and saw a beautiful blond looking at him expectantly.

“Maja,” Gabe announced surprised. “What are you doing here?”

“Business. You know how that goes.” She was just as beautiful as ever. “So tell me Gabriel what is someone such as yourself doing here in a hotel bar drinking alone? I thought you had finally hooked up with Beckett.”

“Long story.” Gabe left it at that. She arched an eyebrow as she leaned in closer.

“Tell me. I’ve got nothing but time for you babe,” she’d said keeping her voice quiet so others wouldn’t be tempted to listen in on anything.

“I don’t know Maja,” Gabe was hesitant. Not sure how much to say or what to say exactly. She nodded urging him to go on. They sat in silence for several minutes while Gabe sorted through everything in his head.

“Gabe?” she nudged.

“You’re right, Bill and I were together. Um, he’s got some really bad personal issues right now and he’s fighting some pretty nasty demons. Wish I could tell you exactly what they are but that is not my place to tell. I love the man, you know that. But sometimes he makes it so hard on himself. We kinda got into an argument last night and he told me to leave. He was so angry Maja. I’ve never seen him like that and I don’t want to see that again. He was scaring me. He was actually physically scaring me. So when he told me to leave I left and here I am. Here I am sitting alone in a hotel bar drinking and talking to the ever beautiful you.” Maja could see the tears in his eyes and hear the hurt in his voice.

“Gabe, you know what is going on with Bill. I don’t because you won’t tell me and I respect that. But if he is hurting half as bad as you because of his own actions-“ She started before being cut off.

“I know he is.” Gabe interjected. “I can feel it, something is fucking wrong.”

“Then he needs you Gabe. He needs you there with him right now. Not in a fucking hotel bar. Not somewhere far away. He fucking needs you Gabriel.” Maja pulled her hand back away from his. He reached for his drink but she stopped him again with a look as she stood up and leaned over the bar reaching for his drink. “He fucking needs you Gabe more than you need this damn drink.” She picked it up and took a drink. “Go home to him before it’s too late.”

Gabe stood up and started for the exit of the bar to go get his things from his room. Maja grabbed his arm quickly causing him to spin around. She hugged him tightly to reassure him things would be fine. “You okay to drive?” Gabe nodded before leaving.

He quickly gathered his things in his room and threw them into the bag and rushed out there and down the stairs because the elevator was too slow. The feeling he had felt was so much worse than he let Maja know. He practically ran through the lobby and out the doors to his car. He threw the bag into the back as he quickly got in and started his car. The rain was pouring and it was difficult to see where he was driving but he had to get back to William. Maja was right, William needed him. Even if he didn't know it yet.

He pulled up outside the building and ran inside, fishing out his key to the door. He knew it had to be locked, it was always locked. He stood there trying to clam his breathing down, tried to slow his heart down, tried to slow his mind down. While he stood there all he heard on the other side of the door was silence. He didn’t know if he should have been glad or terrified. He stuck his key in the lock and turned it and heard the successful click. He sighed a relieved breath that the key still worked. He turned the knob and opened the door and stepped in. Something didn’t feel right and he shut the door quietly. He took a few steps towards the kitchen where the light was currently on, where William was.