Broken Minds

Gabe rushed into the bright room where William was lying on the floor, surrounded by his own puke. He cringed and gagged as he kneeled down in the mess to check on the boy. He looked across the room momentarily as he placed his hand to his neck, checking for any sign of life. He saw the empty bottles of Jack Daniels and made the immediate connection between the two.

“God, William. Why?” Gabe’s voice was unsteady and tears threatened his eyes. He wished he hadn’t left. William had been yelling at him, and he'd given in, forgetting that William was no longer in a place of mind where he knew what was best for himself. He felt a strong pulse under his fingers, and breathed a sigh of relief.

He reached down and slapped William’s cheek, trying to rouse the boy. He didn’t get a response. He was starting to panic, unsure of what to do. He tried for another minute to wake William to no avail.

“Wake up Bilvy. Come on. Open your eyes.” Gabe was pleading to deaf ears as a few tears fell.

He got up, an idea forming in his head. He went to the bathroom, checking that everything was clear in there. It hadn’t looked like William had gone in there recently, so he went back out to the unconscious boy and lifted him, covering himself in the nastiness more than he already was. William’s clothes were soaked in it, but then wasn't a time to think about hygiene.

He carefully set William down in the bathtub and turned the shower on. The cool spray was hitting William, rinsing his clothes off and splattering onto his face. Gabe knelt down next to the tub and started to unbutton the shirt William wore. Once it was fully unbuttoned, he pulled William forward and held him up as he pulled the shirt off. He was thankful for him not having a shirt on underneath. Gently, he leaned the boy back against the tub and let the water hit his skin directly.

Gabe heard a soft moan after what seemed forever, but was really only about ten minutes. He looked closely at William as saw his eyes flutter, water droplets clinging to his eyelashes. Gabe reached over and turned the shower off, momentarily allowing the other to open his eyes more without water splashing into them.

“Bilvy,” Gabe said keeping his voice soft. He didn't want to sound harsh, even though he couldn't help but feel a tiny surge of anger.

“Mm, Ga-Gabe.” William managed to stammer out.

“I’m here. I’m right here.” Gabe leaned down and placed a kiss to William’s forehead.

“I’m-I’m s-s-so-sorry.” He reached up with a shaky hand to try to place his hand on Gabe’s cheek.

“Don’t worry about it right now. I’m just glad you woke up.” Gabe laughed a nervous laugh at the thought that that very well could have not happened. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a brief moment, willing the tears away.

“How about we get you the rest of the way out of these nasty clothes and get you cleaned up?” Gabe suggested, motioning to the pants and socks still on the boy.

William nodded and let Gabe help him stand on trembling legs. Gabe was tugging as William stood holding onto his shoulders for balance. They both were wishing he hadn’t had on such tight jeans since they were wet now. Nearly impossible to get off. In any other situation the pair might have laughed about that. Finally, they came off and hit the floor with a sloppy thump. William held his feet up one at a time as Gabe slipped the socks off, throwing them as well as the boxers William wore into the wet pile beside the tub.

William stood there, shivering and feeling exposed but the embarrassment of it all was lost on the fact that Gabe had come back and found him lying in a mess of his doing. Gabe looked down at his clothes, still covered in it, and then back up at William.

“Can I join you so it is quicker?” William nodded and turned his eyes away as Gabe quickly stripped out his clothes.

He stepped into the shower and pulled the curtain as he turned the water back on and adjusted the temperature to a warm one. Once the water felt right, he started the shower and stood facing William, letting the water run over his body quickly. He pulled the slightly shorter man towards him, letting him feel the heat of the water. He could feel William trembling still, his body still unsteady from the alcohol his body had absorbed and he swayed slightly as the vertigo hit him again.

“You are going to have a killer hangover tomorrow,” Gabe informed him with a chuckle, trying to lighten the mood.

Gabe quickly washed his own body and then let William stay under the stream of water as he washed his own. He noticed the bandage wrapped around his wrist and remembered what was hidden underneath. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t realized that was there before. William swayed again as he tipped his head back, rinsing out his hair. Gabe reached out and held him around the waist, trying to keep him steady as he could. The last thing he needed was for William to fall backwards and hit his head.

Once they were both clean, Gabe turned the water off and stepped out first, grabbing two towels. He handed one to William as he dried off himself. He turned to the boy and looked at him, he noticed how thin he was and how prominent his hips were and ribs. He thought he had been putting on weight but apparently not so much. It broke his heart.

“I’m going to be in the bedroom getting dressed. Call me if you need help.” With that Gabe left the room.

William stood in the bathroom, taking his time drying himself off. He saw the sadness in Gabe’s eyes when he looked at him that last time and he knew why. He knew Gabe was disappointed in him for many things and he couldn’t change that. Finally, he left the bathroom with his towel firmly wrapped around his hips and went into the bedroom.

He stopped quickly when he saw Gabe standing there, it was deja vu all over again to William. A flashback to when Gabe had first found out about the cuts. Only this time, Gabe stood fully clothed holding up a broken CD in his hand. Without a word Gabe threw both halves onto the bed and walked out without saying a thing.

William sat on the bed heavily and fell back, placing his hands over his face. He let out a deep breath and cursed himself for forgetting about all the stuff scattered on the floor. He wanted to scream. He sat up abruptly and threw on a pair of flannel pants and a tee and braced himself at the door for Gabe to start cussing him out and for a fight to emerge again before he opened it and stepped out.

He made his way to the living room where Gabe was sitting on the couch sideways, waiting the television turned on but the volume low. His face was blank and it confused William to not see anger written all over his features. He didn't want to fight again, but he expected it. Slowly, he stepped closer. Gabe patted the couch, signaling the younger man to sit. Hesitantly, he did so.

“William,” Gabe started and immediately the use of his full first name worried him. Gabe reached out and took hold of the wrapped wrist and studied it before he started to unravel the covering.

When the bandage was fully removed, Gabe stared at the openness and the redness that surrounded the wounds. He carefully pressed his fingers to the edges near them and watched it turn white then back to red when he moved his finger.

“Does it hurt?” Gabe questioned, looking up and meeting William’s eyes.

“A little. I’m used to the constant ache.” William wished he had a different answer, but it was the truth. The dull throb was nothing new to him anymore.

Gabe got up and made his way into the kitchen without warning. William sat there, wondering what he had done or said wrong this time. It was then he saw Gabe cross the apartment and make his way into the bathroom and came out with an arm full of towels. He got up and went to see what was going on.

He stood in the doorway briefly and saw Gabe wiping up the floor, wiping up the mess too much alcohol on an empty stomach caused. The mess he should be cleaning up, not Gabe. He saw dry patches of blood by where he was standing and moved to get something else to clean those up. Gabe watched him closely and saw him grab a cleaner and a towel. It was then he saw all the blood across the room. How had he missed that before? He had been too distracted trying to save William to be observant.

As soon as the floor was clean, Gabe threw the filthy towels into the washer. Neither of them had said a word the entire time they were cleaning the kitchen. Neither of them knew what to say anyway. Gabe made his way back to the living room and sat down on the couch, William joining him in silence a moment later.

“I’m sorry I left,” Gabe suddenly blurted out. “If I had known what was going to happen I wouldn’t have left. I love you still. You’re my Bilvy.”

“You-you don’t have to ap-apologize Gabe. I-I told you to-to leave. If any-anyone should-should be ap-apologizing it should b-be me.” William wanted to hit himself upside the head to try to get rid of that stutter. It always showed at the worst of times. “I’m so sor-sorry Gabe. I really am. I-I-I didn’t me-mean what I-I said when I said-said I hate-hated you.” William could feel tears in the corner of his eyes. He looked down at his lap where his arm rested, and then through the fringe hanging in front of his face he looked up and locked eyes with Gabe. “I love you.”

Gabe wiped the tear as it slid down William’s cheek. He moved and pulled the younger man closer to him, hugging him close and letting him weep. There was no way he was going to deny William the chance to cry out his frustrations and regrets of the last day or so.

Finally, when the tears stopped, he pulled back from Gabe’s shoulder and looked down. He knew his face was splotchy and eyes red. He closed his eyes as he felt his boyfriend’s thumbs wipe away the remaining traces of tears. He looked at the clock finally after he felt the fingers drop from his face and realized it was nearly three. Gabe glanced at the clock as well.

“I’m exhausted,” Gabe started with a yawn. “You?” William yawned and nodded. “Lets get some sleep.”

Gabe stood up and helped William stand, leading him by his hand into the bathroom first. He got out the gauze wrap and set it down on the counter. William understood immediately what Gabe was trying to do, and so he held out his wrist. Gabe looked through the cabinet and found the antibiotic ointment. He coated the cuts thoroughly before wrapping the wrist.

After taking care of the things, he set a bottle of aspirin down on the counter and looked at the younger man. They both seemed on the verge of falling over from exhaustion. He was squinting in the harsh light, and knew it had to be hell on his eyes. He had sobered up fairly quickly but knew he was still going to feel it in the morning.

He headed back into the bedroom ahead of William. There was still lying on the floor that had gone unfixed. He went around, grabbing the wastebasket and throwing the trash into that and the other stuff back into the drawer. He was just pushing the drawer back into its rightful place when William came in.

“I’m sorry. I was going to get that.” William’s voice was quiet and apologetic.

“I’ve got it now. Don’t worry about it. Lets just get some sleep. It’s really late.” Gabe maneuvered around the bed back to where William stood and reached up and placed his hands on his face. He leaned in and kissed him briefly. “Good night Bivly.”

“Good night,” William mumbled as he walked around to his side and climbed underneath the covers next to Gabe.

Gabe lied there on his side, waiting for William to fall asleep first. It didn’t take long for his breathing to even out and Gabe was glad. He knew he needed the sleep even if he had been passed out. He himself had passed out thanks to alcohol before, and he knew that was no good night's sleep.

His body was tired and wanted sleep badly, but his mind didn’t want to shut down. All he could think was what if he hadn’t come back. What if he hadn’t listened to Maja? What if she hadn’t shown up? Then it switched to what he found on the bedroom floor. That broken CD William had used that as a last resort. How long had that been in there? He had wanted to confront him about it, but chose not to. He didn’t think it would go well and he didn’t want to start a fight. William was still fragile. The last fight didn’t end well, and he figured another so soon would likely go worse. He finally drifted off to sleep sometime before dawn, his mind finally worn down.

William woke up to the sun streaming in through the blinds. He let out a moan as he turned over to hide his face from the sun. He moved and pressed his forehead to Gabe’s chest instinctively, pulling the blanket up to block out the light from hitting the side of his face. Gabe felt the movement and brought his arm up, resting it on William's shoulder as he continued to sleep.

It was well past noon when they both finally woke up. Gabe was the first to get out of bed at 2:30 due to the overwhelming feeling of a full bladder. The movement and lack of warmth woke William up, but he stayed in bed. His wrist throbbed just as much as his head. He stretched and then finally got out of bed.

After William swallowed down more aspirin, he made his way through the rest of the apartment. He found Gabe in the kitchen, making a pot of coffee. He chuckled softly to himself, seeing Gabe dance around as he waited for the coffee to finish, not aware that William was watching.

“Isn’t coffee supposed to be a morning thing?” William questioned, making his presence known.

“So,” Gabe challenged, turning around to face William.

“It’s going on three. It isn’t morning and hasn’t been for awhile.” The smile playing on William’s face made Gabe smile even brighter.

“Well the fact that I didn’t get nearly as much sleep as you did, I kind of need this.” There was a look of puzzlement on William’s face. “It was nearly dawn by the time I finally got to sleep.”

“Oh.” The look of realization dawning on his face and then the sudden fall of the smile caught Gabe’s attention. “Was it because of me?”

“I just couldn’t get to sleep. Lets leave it at that.” Gabe didn’t want to answer that question because it didn’t directly involve William, but had to do with him. Gabe's thoughts lately always had to do with William.

That day they sat around watching movies, simply relaxing while trying to get back into the swing of things, the way they were. Gabe made William a little bit to eat and watched him carefully. William made sure not to disappear into the bathroom afterwards like he so badly wanted to do. He'd already let Gabe down so much.

William was currently curled up on the couch, his head on Gabe’s lap as they watched some lifetime movie. He looked up at Gabe momentarily then back to the screen. Having seen the movement, Gabe ran his hand through the boy’s hair and looked down at him. When William looked back up he was met with a genuine smile.

Darkness was falling and they had yet to really move or do anything. Suddenly, Gabe made William sit up with a confused look about him. He watched as Gabe went into the bathroom and came back out with the still sopping wet clothes from the night before and threw them in the washer with the still there dirty towels. William laughed at the disgusted face Gabe had made when he opened the lid of the washer.

“Should have done this last night,” he announced as he started the wash.

“Probably would have been better,” William agreed.

Gabe went back over and sat down again, letting William reclaim his place on Gabe’s lap. He continued to card his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair, knowing how he liked it. He could feel William relax. Moments like that never got old, and they both hoped they never would. They always enjoyed the others company. People in the past had questioned their friendship status because they were so comfortable together that they didn’t understand how they weren't already a couple. Now that they were, Gabe didn't want anything to mess it up.

William started thinking over what he had done, and how Gabe had left with nothing. He wondered where Gabe had gone and what he had done while gone. He wondered what made him come back when he had. He wondered why he had never called. Had Gabe cheated? Would it be considered cheating if he had told him to leave to begin with? Would that thought have ever crossed Gabe’s mind? His mind was starting to go crazy with questions. Questions he wanted answers to, but was too afraid to find out the answers in case they weren’t want he wanted to hear. The thought scared him. He could have screwed things up royally, and it would have been his own fault that he lost Gabe.

He looked up at Gabe again and waited until their eyes met. “Gabe,” he started.

“Hmm?” Gabe raised an eyebrow waiting.

”I have some questions I want to ask?” He had to find out how close he came to losing Gabe, and now was his chance.