Broken Minds

Two days had passed since William came back to find Gabe gone. He hadn’t heard a word from him. He’d barely left his place on the couch. He couldn’t stand the thought of sleeping in his bed where Gabe used to lie next to him, holding him. The note was wrinkled and the ink slightly blurred from his constant clutching of the paper to his chest, the twisting of his fingers. He’d read it too many times, trying to make it all seem real. He ignored every phone call or text he got from someone. The only name he wanted to see was Gabe’s.

William hadn’t eaten a thing since Gabe left, only added more and more marks to his arms. He felt like he deserved them. Gabe had only tried to help him, and what had he done in return? His stomach twisted and churned inside him, but he stayed fast. Every time he felt that way he added to his collection of soon to be scars.

He was sitting in the dark of his apartment. The only light was what shone in through the blinds that were currently askew from his attempts to look for Gabe’s car outside. It was never there. The knife he’d used sat on the coffee table waiting to be used again and again.

He could hear a couple talking outside his door, obviously newly together by the nearly non-stop giggling. The thought of what they were going to do bringing fresh tears to the surface. They were going to do something he hadn’t had the chance to do with Gabe. He’d tried, but Gabe stopped him every time and honestly he couldn’t blame him for that. He would have stopped it to if their roles had been reversed. William felt disgusting. It wasn’t any wonder no one wanted him.

The paper in his hand fell to the floor as he reached for the knife and looked at his arms which were already littered with new marks, his sleeves always pulled up. He held the knife to his forearm and pressed until a red mark appeared, then pulled the knife, letting it rip his skin. After three new lines were made he set the knife down and looked at the blood pooling slightly on the surface of his skin. He held his arm down on his lap and waited for the blood to form a crust on the top before wiping his arm across his blood stained jeans. They were a darker pair so the stains weren’t too obvious.

His phone went off repeatedly every minute for five minutes. Looking at the screen he saw Pete’s name. Not who he was hoping for. Finally, after the fifth try in a row, a new text message appeared. He opened it since Pete was being persistent about something. Reading it he started to panic, Pete was going to be there in fifteen minutes.

Quickly, he got up and threw the knife in the sink. He turned the water on and washed it off only to throw it in the silverware drawer still wet. He nearly ran into his bedroom and ripped his clothes off, quickly changing into something that wasn’t covered in his own blood. He put on a sweatshirt and a light pair of jeans only to have to take the sweatshirt off for having put it on backward in the rush.

William went into his bathroom and roughly ran a brush through his hair, trying to tame it. He saw how red his eyes were and rinsed cold water over his face trying to liven it up the slightest bit. He didn’t want Pete asking questions. Making his way back into the living room, he saw Gabe’s note still lying on the floor. He picked it up and fought the urge to read the memorized words, which would undoubtedly bring on a fresh wave of tears, as he put it in his pocket.

He’d no more than got it in his pocket when there was a knock on his door. He took a deep breath and smoothed his sweaty hands over his thighs before opening the door to reveal Pete. Pete stood there with a firm look on his face and his hands on his hips. William wanted to laugh or make note of how much of a woman Pete reminding him off with that stance, but he refrained.

Before he could be invited in, Pete pushed past the tall man into his apartment and looked around. There was nothing out of the ordinary. He looked back at William, slight confusion on his face. He put his hands down finally from his hips and slipped them into his pockets. How, William wasn’t sure because he was certain Pete’s jeans were tighter than the ones he wore.

“What’s going on Bill?” Pete finally questioned, making his way further into the apartment and sitting on the couch. William followed and sat in a chair instead of on the couch with the older man.

“What do you mean?” William wanted to know exactly what he was asking before spilling anything.

“You don’t fucking answer your phone. The others have all tried to get a hold of you and you don’t even fucking answer them. Thought Gabe would make you answer someone. Why the fuck you avoiding everyone?” Pete looked around for a moment expecting Gabe to appear when he heard his name. “And where the fuck is Gabe? I tried him too and he didn’t answer.”

William hung his head and stared at his hands trying to think of an answer. He shrugged before responding. “I haven’t felt like talking to anyone,” he started. “Just wanted to be left alone.” He looked at Pete, “You know how that is.” Pete nodded. Pete had been there before.

“And Gabe?” he prodded.

“I don’t know where he is. He’s gone.” William tried to keep his voice even, but was having trouble in doing so. “He left a couple days ago. He’s gone.”

Pete saw the look on William’s face and heard the tone of his voice coupled with a quivering lip and it hit him. Gabe was actually gone, had left William and no one knew but him. He saw the tears start to well up in the younger man’s eyes. He got up and knelt down in front of William and placed his hands in a kind gesture on William’s knees.

“Bill, I’m sorry. He’s a good guy. I don’t know why he left but it wouldn’t have been for nothing.” Pete said clearly. William only nodded as a tear fell. Pete reached up and wiped it away before enveloping him in a hug as a few more tears fell.

It was a few minutes for William regain his composure after letting it break. He pulled back letting William sit back in the chair and Pete sat back on his heels. He looked at William for a moment, taking in the beautifully broken guy before him. If only he knew to what extent he was actually broken.

“Is the only reason you came over because I wasn’t answering my phone?” William finally asked able to keep his voice even.

“Oh,” Pete said remembering he came over for a reason. “No, that wasn’t why.” He looked out toward the window trying to remember then back to William when he did. “You realize in just two weeks your tour starts again?” William’s eyes got huge. “Guess not.” Pete snickered slightly at the reaction he’d received.

“Two weeks?” William asked for confirmation he heard right.

“Yes, Bill. Two weeks. You guys need to get together and figure out a list of songs you’re going to do and ones you aren’t going to play this tour. There are a couple places that want a set list before you ever get there, so you’ll need to figure those out as well. Oh, and do you need rehearsal space or has it not been long enough you need that?”

“Are we opening for someone or headliners?” William questioned.

“Headliners. The opening acts are just local bands that the radio stations are picking from entries and letting the listeners decide the top three to open for you.” Pete stood up and headed for the door to let himself out. “Take care, Bill.” With that Pete was gone as quickly as he’d arrived.

William sat in the chair, his mind a mess. How was he going to pull off another tour? How would he be able to hide his secrets from the rest of the band and crew? How was he going to tour without his boyfriend there to congratulate him on a show well done?

He sat there unmoving until late into the night. When he finally fell asleep, it was nearly three in the morning and he had a few new fresh marks on his wrist. The note lay unfolded on the coffee table where he’d laid it to study it some more, trying to burn the image of it into his mind.

He awoke to someone knocking on his door, way too early for having fallen asleep so late. His neck was stiff and his body sore from sleeping curled up in the chair. He cursed as he stretched out his long limbs then went to answer it. He glanced at the clock as he was opening the door to find it was nearly noon. So maybe it wasn’t as early as he thought.

He opened the door to the rest of his band mates, letting them into the apartment. It had been a while since he’d seen them, but he didn’t feel happy about it. They all made their way to the couch and chair and took a seat. Butcher saw the note lying in front of him and glanced at it picking it up. His face fell and he handed it to Sisky who was the next one closest to him. William then noticed the note being passed around.

“What’s this note about?” Sisky asked as he handed it to the person to his left.

“I don’t know what you mean?” William had no other option than to play dumb.

“Gabe left?” Butcher asked to make sure he read that part right. William nodded. “Because he couldn’t stand to see you slowly killing yourself?” William didn’t respond. He wished he’d remembered it was sitting out before he had answered the door. “What does he mean by that?”

“I-I don’t know.” William was going to continue to pretend he knew nothing.

“He just said it because?” Mike asked this time setting the note back on the table, as he was the last to read it.

“He’s gone, does it really matter?” William argued.

“We thought you two had something going. Something special. It was obvious you two loved each other a long time ago.” Sisky piped up.

“I don’t know Sisky. Just drop it.” William snapped. He wasn’t going to tell them what Gabe meant. They didn’t need to know.

“Fine, fine.” Sisky surrendered, holding his hands up in defeat.

William sat down in the only place left on the couch between Sisky and Chizzy. He didn’t want to sit between anyone, but they didn’t leave him any other option. He grabbed the note off the table and folded it back up, shoving it in his pocket and hoping they’d forget about it.

“So why are you guys here anyway?” William finally asked the group.

“Oh yeah. Did Pete remind you about the tour?” Butcher mentioned. “Because that’s what we were trying to get a hold of you for.”

“Yes, he came over last night and told me.” William sighed, dreading the thought of touring again. It felt too soon.

“Well we were wondering if we could work on some of the set lists that we need to have ahead of time and figure everything out.” Mike supposed.

“Oh, yeah I guess we could.” He figured thinking about music would help keep his mind occupied and off of Gabe and losing him.

They sat around for several hours, hashing things out. They were finally making progress when the others decided they were hungry. They started discussing their options. William cringed at the thought of eating. In the end they decided it was easiest to just order pizza delivered.

Mike ordered their usual and they all sat around talking about nonsense while they waited for their food to show up at the door. Sisky got up and made his way into the kitchen to check on the drink situation. They all heard him groan and curse as he made his way back into the living room they were still gathered in.

“No fucking drinks besides water.” He stated before looking at William. “ What the fuck Bill.” William only shrugged. “I’m going to the store to get some.”

No one argued him leaving, they figured if he was the one willing to go then they’d let him. They all sat around and continued to chat while waiting on the pizza and now Sisky to come back. It only took Sisky about 10 minutes to get back from the store since it was just up the street and only another 5 minutes for the pizza to arrive.

Immediately, they all started to chow down on the food. All except William. He had a piece in his hand and was slowly eating it, feeling the grease unsettling his stomach. He knew right away that the result of that wasn’t going to be good. He fought through his entire slice to keep it down, and while everyone was still busy eating and talking he got up and made his way into the bathroom.

He could hear everyone talking loudly over each other and turned the water on briefly in the sink to help mask any noise as he proceeded to kneel down and could feel the rise of substance before he could even make himself. It didn’t take long for his stomach to be empty again and he sat back on his heels momentarily trying to regulate his breathing again.

William opened the door and made his way back out into the living room without so much as a second glance back at him. They had no idea what had just gone on, and for that William was thankful. He sat back down only this time on the floor as they continued where they left off on the music for their tour.

By midnight everyone was tired and ready to call it quits. Because Mike had gone on a beer run, everyone had been drinking except for William. He knew no one was going to be leaving this time so he was reduced to going to his room and lying in the bed he had been refusing to sleep in since Gabe left.

He crawled under the covers and felt a shiver run through his body at the emptiness. He felt alone in that bed. He could almost feel the way Gabe held him at night and hear his breathing next to him. He knew Gabe wasn’t there though, and the reality hurt just a little too much. He grabbed the pillow Gabe always slept on and could still smell his scent on it. He hugged it close. breathing in deeply the sweet scent as tears started to fall again from cried out eyes. It was nearly 4 before he had no more tears left and William finally fell asleep.

When he woke up later that day, there was a note on the table and no one was there. They had all left. He looked at the clock realizing it was already 2 in the afternoon. He sat down on the couch and looked at the writing on the scrap of paper. The same type of paper Gabe had used.

Bill – Rehearsal at 5 tonight to run through songs for tour usual spot. Be there or else. Sisky

William sighed and realized he only had a few hours until he had to be there. He got in the shower after marking his arms a few more times. After getting dressed, he left and made it to the rehearsal with only minutes to spare. He figured it was going to be a long night. Probably a long 2 weeks before an even longer tour. He wished Gabe were there to help time go by.