Broken Minds

The tour bus was loaded, as they were about to leave the current city they were in. William wasn’t keeping track so he had no idea what city much less what state they were in. All he knew was that this tour had been going on for a month already. It seemed about twice that to him however. He missed his apartment; he missed everything associated with that, but he missed Gabe the most.

Since the day that Gabe had left he hadn’t spoken a single word to him. He figured Gabe wouldn’t want to talk to him anyway. Especially to find out nothing had changed since he’d left. His arms were scarred so many more times over and his body was thinner than Gabe had seen. No one was there to make sure he ate and he didn’t want to eat anyway.

So far he’d managed to keep his habits hidden from everyone on tour and he made sure to always have long sleeves on and that the shirt was loose enough and long enough it didn’t ride up while performing. He didn’t give hugs and stayed far enough away from the edge of stage that the girls going crazy wouldn’t touch him. He still felt like he wasn’t thin enough.

Performing, that was a whole new game now. He was always worn out by the end of each show. He’d exhausted all his energy giving everything he had every night putting on a front that he was happy. The fans knew nothing of the troubles he kept hidden and locked away. He preferred that way.

William lay in his bunk after an especially draining show. The crowd was so into it and so full of energy that they did a double encore. William was about ready to collapse at the end as they ran off stage for the final time. His shirt was drenched in his sweat and it was running into his eyes he could barely see.

He, like everyone else, changed on the bus and freshened up just enough to not stink for their fans that were waiting for one last glance at them. He stepped off the bus while Mike was out in the crowd giving autographs to those asking and pictures and he saw constant flashes. He groaned inwardly as he was about to do the same. The only difference was he didn’t give into everyone and was only out there for about 10 minutes before he was just too tired to carry on.

He was asleep before the bus ever left the venue.

When he finally woke up, he found out they were playing a show in New York that night. Everyone was excited for the show, but William couldn’t have cared less. He was just going through the motions by this point.

He made his way up to the front lounge of the bus where everyone was already up and talking and challenging everyone else to a game of some sort. He never took part in those friendly competitions anymore.

Not wanting to be attempted to be pulled in on the game he left the area before being noticed and made his way back to his bunk. He grabbed his toiletry bag and headed into the tiny bathroom on the bus. He sat his little bag down and started rummaging through it for what he was looking for. At the bottom he found it, a broken piece of mirror from a handheld mirror he’d “accidentally” dropped at the start of the tour.

He pulled his sleeve up and looked at all the red marks and white scars littering his arm. He found an area that was healed for the most part and dragged the glass across the old scars until he was satisfied with the results. His stomach never seemed to really complain anymore from lack of food, it was as if his body knew it was going to be denied anything he’d put in it anyway as soon as the chance arose.

He pulled his sleeve back down after wiping the blood off his arm and placed his soul back into the bag, zipping it shut. He opened the door and made his way back to his bunk and laid down again waiting until they all had to get off the bus for sound check or something else that came up. He put his iPod on shuffle and the first song to hit his ears was by Cobra Starship. He changed it immediately, not wanting to bring on tears and have everyone hear and question what was wrong.

William ended up falling back asleep as he never had the energy to do anything more than that, he had to save what little energy he had for the show that night. No one ever questioned him anymore about why he was always sleeping or avoiding them, they knew they weren’t going to get answers anyway. Not that they didn’t still wonder what was going on anymore, it was a question that always went unanswered, so why try? They might as well have been asking a brick wall since they’d get the same response for that as they would William.

Sound check was at 5 so he was woken up at 4. He followed everyone inside the building where they heard a few shrieks of excited girls spotting them. When he stood on stage, the room was dimly lit and he felt a wave of dizziness wash over him. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before pushing that uneasy feeling to the back of his mind and starting to sing the few songs they had decided to run through before the show.

Throughout the entire sound check, the dizziness didn’t fade but it didn’t get worse either. He was able to pretend that it wasn’t there. After he stepped off stage he sat down on the edge of it, and just looked out across the room that in a couple hours would be full of mainly screaming girls. He stood back up after several minutes, and the room spun violently for a moment before he was able to regain himself and walk like he wasn’t drunk.

He went backstage to the dressing room to relax and hopefully get rid of the vertigo. He was sitting on the couch as the others came in talking and munching on the food provided to them. They thought of asking him if he wanted anything but then opted out on actually asking because, of course, he would say no.

It was an hour before they were to take the stage, and the venue was full. They could hear the girls screaming all the way in their dressing room, albeit, muffled by the distance and doors. Mike, Chizzy, Butcher, and Sisky all went to check out the opening act that was currently on, then to wait until they had to go on stage. William stayed behind resting in the dressing room half asleep. He knew someone would come get him in time, they always did.

While standing backstage, watching the current band on the stage, they heard talking behind them and Mike turned around to see who was talking to whom. His eyes opened wide at the site. Gabe was standing there talking to one of the security guys. He nudged Sisky in the side and motioned for him to look behind them. It was a chain reaction, until each of them saw who was standing a little further behind them.

Gabe ended his conversation when he noticed the rest of the guys looking at him and made his way over to them. He noticed there were only 4 of them and the one most noticeably missing was William.

“Hey man, how’s it going?” Mike asked.

“It’s going. Nothing exciting, but I can’t complain,” Gabe said holding a cheery tone to his voice. If they didn’t know any better they’d think he was faking. “Where’s Bill?” Gabe asked looking between them all. The look on their faces worried him in an instant.

“He’s in the dressing room,” Sisky finally answered.

“How’s he doing?” Gabe’s voice held a high content of apprehension.

“He’s not the same Gabe,” Butcher said after dragging out the silence between them too long. “He’s withdrawn, he doesn’t hardly eat, he’s always sleeping, its like he has no energy to do anything anymore.” He clarified.

Gabe nodded, that was everything he was hoping not to hear. What they said proved to him without seeing him, that William was still stuck in his old ways. He couldn’t believe it was still going on, and that no one had found out what he already knew.

“Why’d you leave Bill anyway?” Chizzy asked, the one thing they all wondered.

Gabe thought of how he was going to answer that for a minute while the others all stood and waited. “Personal reasons. If Bill didn’t tell you then maybe I shouldn’t either.” Gabe almost mumbled. “I had my reasons though. I wouldn’t just leave him for nothing.”

They all nodded, understanding, and if Gabe said it were personal then they weren’t going to press him for an answer. He confirmed what they all thought anyway that he’d had a reason behind it and didn’t just leave for the hell of it.

“I’m going to go check on Bill?” Gabe half asked half stated. He was uncertain himself if he should but when the others all nodded their consent he knew it was best he did.

Slowly, Gabe followed the signs plastered all over the walls backstage directing him to the dressing room that Bill was currently in. He could feel his heart picking up pace as he got closer, suddenly he wondered if, maybe, he shouldn’t have come to the show at all.

He stood outside the door for a moment to compose himself, taking a couple deep breaths before knocking. He didn’t get a response so he opened the door and let himself in. Once he was a few feet inside the dimly lit room, he saw William lying on the couch face down, seemingly asleep.

Gabe made his way over to the boy, knelt down next to him, and placed a hand on the back of his shoulder. He leaned down and saw how hollowed his cheeks looked and how pale he was. Even though he was lying on his stomach, just from the way his shirt was laying, Gabe could tell just how thin he was and it broke his heart.

“Bill, Bilvy. Wake up.” Gabe gently shook the shoulder as he tried to rouse the man. “Hey, you need to get up. You go on in like 40 minutes.” He heard a low moan and tried one more time. “Bilvy, wake up.”

William opened his eyes slightly and saw a blurry figure in front of him. He blinked, trying to clear his vision slightly, before his eyes finally focused on Gabe. He thought he was seeing things, so he reached his arm out and touched the man. “G-Gabe?”

“Yeah man. You need to wake up and warm your voice up before going out on stage. Don’t want to nearly wreck your voice like me.” Gabe gave William a small smile before helping him sit up fully.

“What-what are you doing he-here?” William tried to hide the fact the room was still spinning and his eyes were fully focused.

“I came to see the show.” Gabe stated matter-of-factly. He looked at the younger man sitting there in front of him and took in the sight. He could see how sickly thin he was, even through his loose long sleeve shirt. William nodded, like he should have known that was why Gabe was there. “No offense dude, but you look like shit.”

“I feel like it too,” William mumbled making Gabe frown.

“You haven’t told the others yet, have you?” William only shook his head. “Bill, you need to, you need to get help. Look at yourself you are way too thin. They say you don’t eat, you’re withdrawn, have no energy and sleep all the time. They know something is the fuck up with you. They just don’t know what. They are fucking worried. You need to tell them and get help.”

“I’m fine Gabe. Really, I am.” William tried to demand, but came across as a weak argument.

“If you won’t tell them then I guess I’m going to have to. It’s the only way to get you better.” Gabe stood up and made to leave the room to apparently tell the rest of his band what was going on with him.

“No!” William shouted standing quickly his vision going black and the room starting to violently spin. He swayed noticeably and Gabe rushed to his side to steady him. He saw William wince when he grabbed hold of his arm.

Gabe released the arm once William was steady and pulled the sleeve up. He gasped loudly at all the new marks and new scars scattered over his arm. William pulled his arm back and yanked his sleeve back down. Gabe looked at him in disbelief; he couldn’t believe how many new marks and scars there were on just that one arm alone. William had gotten worse after he had left. Worse. He hadn’t thought that was possible.

”Bill,” Gabe’s voice hung in the air trailing off. He took a step back away from William in shock. He didn’t know what to do and thought maybe he should have told the others against William’s will, but he hadn’t wanted the boy to hate him for going against him. He wished the others had found out on their own well before now. They were going to found out after the show even if he had to tell them himself.

The door opened quickly and the rest of the band filed in. They could feel the tension thick in the room and wondered secretly if they maybe they should all just back up and leave the room now. William and Gabe both turned simultaneously when the door opened and they walked in.

“You ready to head toward the stage man?” Mike asked William.

“Lets go,” William said taking a few quick paced steps to show he was all right in front of Gabe even though they both knew otherwise. He didn’t want the rest of his band to worry though.

He’d made it across the room and was nearly to the door when he blindly reached out for something to catch him as he went down. The others all stood in horror as they saw him fall in slow motion, none of them seeming to get there quick enough to catch him. The thud from his body hitting the floor rang out in their ears, making them cringe.

The moment he hit the floor all five of them were crowded around William kneeling down in a panic state of shock. Gabe reached a shaky hand out to William’s wrist to check the pace of his pulse, it was racing. They looked at him, as he lay there unconscious. Sisky stood shaking as he called for an ambulance, stepping away from his best friend and Butcher ran to let security know that their singer just went down.

The moment the paramedics arrived everyone stepped back. The paramedics ripped open his shirt to get his vitals better and there was an audible gasp from everyone even Gabe at the site of his ribs protruding and his hipbones showing clearly. No one knew he was this thin. The band could tell he’d lost some weight, but not to this extent. It was then they realized he had been intentionally starving himself and they did nothing to stop it.

The paramedics then cut his sleeves to try to start an IV only to realize there was no way they could manage on his arms. Everyone stood in pure horror at the sight of the cut up arms and the scars. They all stood, unable to grasp everything that was going on with their lead singer, as they watched helplessly as he was put on the gurney and covered with a thin sheet hiding his body from view. They all followed him as he was wheeled out to the awaiting ambulance. Fans that hadn’t been able to get in were waiting there by that backstage door and shrieked when they saw the door open and several members of the band step out before a deaf silence took over at the site of none other than William Beckett being loaded into the ambulance unconscious and it leave with the sirens and lights blaring.