Broken Minds

He was awakened after what felt like no time at all. The sun was shining brightly into his room, blinding him suddenly as he opened his eyes. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked to his right. There stood a woman with long brown hair and a smile on her face.

“Come on William it’s 9, time to get this thing started.” The smile never left her face as he sat up groggily. He placed his feet on the floor and ran his hands through his hair trying to wake up. Finally, he stood and realized he was still wearing his clothes from the previous day. He saw his bag sitting next to the dresser, which he hadn’t had last night when he laid down, and assumed she must have brought it in with her.

“Can I change?” William asked softly almost embarrassed.

“Sure Hun.” She motioned to his clothes and waited as he picked out a new pair of jeans and a long sleeve shirt. “Go ahead and change,” she nodded. “Trust me you ain’t got nothing I haven’t seen before, parts or scars. I’ve seen them all,” she added with a chuckle.

William still hesitated to change in front of her, something that didn’t go unnoticed by her either. She smiled again and stood back by the door waiting on him. “Would it make you feel better, less uncomfortable, if I introduced myself?” Her voice was kept soft any laughter was hidden. “Well, my name is Priscilla.”

William didn’t feel any less uncomfortable knowing her name, if anything it made it worse but he laid his clothes down on the bed and slipped his shirt off discarding it on the floor. Priscilla saw how gaunt he was and the harsh white bandages wrapped around his wrist. She knew this wasn’t going to be an easy case, when they were this bad they never were. She only hoped that they could get through to him quickly.

That first day was spent with him sitting in a doctor’s office being poked and prodded it seemed while they checked him out from head to toe just to make sure he was otherwise healthy besides the obvious. Not to mention his wrists were sore now because the doctor, Dr. Mitchell, seemed to not care and not have a nice bone in his body, much less a heart to be kind enough to patients. He had unwrapped both wrists exposing the cuts and then poked at each and every one whether it was new or old and made each one hurt by the force of his fingers pressing down and watching them one by one turn an angry shade of red, only to spray an antiseptic over the entirety of both wrists. It took everything inside William to not lash out and punch the doctor, much less curse him out at the burning and stinging of the spray. He bit his lip until he was certain he was about to break skin there, and if he had he was sure the doctor would have done something about that as well.

That evening he was sitting at a table in the cafeteria next to Priscilla, who seemed to be his for the day. She had hardly left his side as he was shown around the prison, as he thought of it. He wouldn’t have been there now if he hadn’t fucked up in front of everyone and collapsed. Not to mention it was the only sure way to get released from the hospital. He still figured he could have corrected himself enough to not let that happen again, enough to fool everyone around him into believing he was fully recovered and just fine, given enough time.

A fight between a couple guys broke out suddenly resulting in one of the few times the nurse had left his side. It was then that he was startled when someone unexpectedly sat down beside him. She looked young, around 17 maybe 18, with long brown hair. She had a soft smile on her face, her features delicate and her skin was like porcelain. She rested her arms on the table and leaned over slightly so she didn’t have to talk real loud.

”You know, I used to be like you.” Her voice was soft and genuine and he looked at her confused for a minute. “Thin, deathly thin. Like I was thinner than you.” He continued to just look between her and the substance in front of him. “It gets better.” She placed a caring hand on his back as she stood back up. “I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to. Just ask someone for Denise.” William nodded as she then walked away.

He was currently lying in bed once again awake. He didn’t want to fall sleep in this strange place. He didn’t want to close his eyes to the demons of his mind that he’d been fighting for a long time now. The demons everyone else was oblivious to because he failed to mention them to anyone. They didn’t need to know the fight he fought every night while he was sleeping. The demons were almost too real; it was hard to tell the difference anymore.

Like the previous night he fell asleep as the sun was finally rising above the distant horizon casting the sky in pale pinks and oranges as it signaled the start of a new day.

He had only been there for five days and still hated every single hour he was cooped up inside the building. He was spending a majority of his time in his room just sitting there staring into space and thinking of ideas for lyrics.

He had just eaten his bland dinner and was making his way back to his room to rest for the rest of the night. He was always avoiding everyone else; he didn’t want to make friends. He stopped by the bathroom near his room and ducked inside. He’d started a new routine just days ago that involved him doing just that.

Looking around he saw he was the only one in there and went to the far stall and securely locked the door. He leaned over because he didn’t want to kneel on the floor and with one hand bracing himself he brought the other up to his mouth and quickly forced two fingers to the back of his throat. He coughed and gagged and tried it again. The second time he got the results he’d wanted the first time. He repeated the action another time to make sure there wasn’t much if anything was left in his stomach.

He opened the stall door and quickly washed his hands and splashed water on his face. William then opened the door to the bathroom and Priscilla was standing there and some boy named Steven was standing next to her. If he had to guess from the way the nurse was standing she didn’t look happy and Steven looked to have a malicious smirk on his face.

Priscilla looked at William then to the other boy and held a stern face and crossed her arms. “You can go,” She said flatly but with a strict voice. The boy took off for his own room or somewhere other than where he was without question. Priscilla reached out and grabbed hold of William’s arm and led him straight to his room.

Once they were inside the small dim room she shut the door and pointed to the bed for him to sit. She wasn’t going to mess around and he saw that in the eyes and in her posture. Once he was sitting down she sat down on the end of the bed facing him and folded her hands neatly in her lap. The edginess she had been showing relinquished dramatically and her body took on a disappointed and sad look.

“Steven said you were just in the bathroom puking, that you’ve been doing that every day after every meal.” She looked at him pointedly. “Is that true?” William hung his head not wanting to admit the truth and definitely not wanting to see the look she’d undoubtedly give him.

“William Beckett, you can’t be doing that. You are here to get better, not worse. I’m going to have to talk to Kyle and Carter, you know that right?” William nodded defeated. Priscilla stood up and made her way out of the room and proceeded to shut the door again behind her. She saw Steven standing at the end of the hallway waiting for anything on what happened after he told on what William was doing. She saw the look of hope in his eye, that glint, and she continued on her way not giving him the satisfaction that he was right.

That night was no different than the rest as William fell asleep as the sun was coming up. He lived off no sleep anymore.

Only two days had passed since that little nosy brat had told on him and every time he saw him he wanted to strangle him like Homer always did Bart in every episode of The Simpsons. He wished he could do something every time he saw someone looking at him, watching him, knowing one of the secrets to why he was there and thinking they knew him when they really didn’t.

Carter, the other nurse that was there during the day, had switched with Priscilla and was now the one always watching over him. Currently they were sitting in the dining room with William’s food in front of him just sitting there. William was sitting back in his chair his arms crossed over his chest.

“You need to eat.” Carter sat back and mirrored William’s posture. All he received was a shake of the patient’s head. Carter sighed and wanted to role his eyes but held it back. “Do you ever want to get out of here?”

“Yes.”Carter was shocked he got a verbal answer that time.

“Then you need to eat and get better, gain weight. You know get healthy again.” Carter was trying to reason with him and it wasn’t working. “I’ll sit here all night with you if I have to.” William didn’t like that idea one bit.

“How much do I have to eat to get you off my fucking back?”

“I’d like you to eat all of it,” he started, “But I can see that isn’t going to happen.” William nodded in agreement that was most certainly not going to happen. “So give me five bites.”

William glared at the people around him that were glancing up at him and trying not to look like they were staring and watching. They quickly looked back down or at the person next to him to try to hide the fact they had been looking. Quickly, he took his five bites and nearly through his spoon down onto the table as he quickly sat back again.

“There,” William spat out as he crossed his arms again. “Can I go back to my room now?”

“Don’t you want to hang out with any one?” Carter questioned.

“Like who? I’m not friends with anyone in here nor do I want to be.” Carter knew he wasn’t going to be able to make him do much more than he already had.

“Yes, you can go back to your room now.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth William was pushing his chair out and standing up. He had to move quickly to keep up with the man who was slightly taller than he was as he was taking long strides.

He saw William head into the bathroom nearest his room and followed quickly. He saw William go into a stall and heard the familiar click of the lock.

“You’d better only be pissing,” William was warned.

“Fuck off.”

“I am only doing my job.” He wanted to add in some smart-ass remark about babysitting a twenty-something.

William emerged from the stall to see Carter standing there with his hands in his pockets as he waited and had to listen to William piss. Something that slightly embarrassed William, he hated pissing when there were other people around who could hear it. But he knew if he didn’t go then he’d have to go later and he’d still be followed.

He stood in front of the nurse nonchalant as he placed his hands in his pockets matching the other guy. “You know what your doing is part of the reason my last boyfriend and I broke up right?” His voice was even and calm, something Carter hadn’t expected for a moment. William’s face resigned to showing no clear emotion. Carter looked at him not quite understanding. “Following me around into the bathroom listening to me piss and whatnot. He did that too when he found out what was going on. It caused a fight and I kicked him out. I didn’t need him babysitting my ass then and I sure as fuck don’t need it now from you.”

William sidestepped the other man and made his way down the hall to his room and shut the door rather loudly. Carter was left standing there partially in shock from having been talked to that way and partially because he found out he was following around a guy who was gay. He had automatically assumed someone like him was straight and it weirded him out slightly knowing that fact now.

He sat in his room in the dark as night fully fell thinking. Thinking of everything he’d had and not had with Gabe. Thinking of how if they followed him now how Gabe must have had the right idea. Thinking of his lifestyle and how maybe he should have let Gabe help him more instead of pushing him away. Then he wouldn’t be stuck in a place like he currently was. He continued to sit there until his eyes shut at dawn.

It was only a day later when things started falling apart for William in rehab. He’d been lucky so far since no one seemed to know who he was. He was walking down the hall to the common room, just wandering around not wanting to be in his room all day except for meals or bathroom breaks. It got too boring; he had nothing to do in his room. A new kid was there and everyone was gathered around him talking to him sizing him up checking for compatibility for forming a friendship with him. He looked past everyone and saw the tall slender man standing in the doorway observing. His eyes grew larger in size at the site.

“Oh wow,” he started breathless. Everyone turned to look to see who he was looking at. “You’re-you’re William Beckett from The Academy Is…” He looked star struck. “I love your music, you’re awesome dude. Can I have your autograph or something?”

“No he’s not,” someone said fiercely not believing.

“Yes he is. I love him and his band. They’re my favorite. That is definitely William Beckett.” The kid started moving closer towards the tall man.

“Dude, you’re wrong,” the same person continued. “How could we not know if a celebrity was in here with us?”

“He is though. What’s his name?” Several people suddenly realized he was right when they said his name was William. They’d never asked a last name and he had never provided one. Not to mention he didn’t look like they always remembered him to, his hair was greasy and he was real pale and thin. He just didn’t look like the William Beckett anymore.

“Is it true?” Emily, the girl that spoke to him one time when he was wandering the halls, asked with hopeful eyes.

William cringed as he realized he’d been found out and there were more than just the new kid who knew the name and the music behind his face. Slowly he nodded and he saw her face light up, a spirit probably about to be crushed. She nodded exclaiming the new kid was right as excitement buzzed through the room.

William pulled himself off the doorframe and left their sight while they were all talking about how he was in there and trying to figure out who knew what about why he was in there. They never saw him leave. Quickly, he made his way back to his room.

Night was falling so his room was cast in that typical soft yellow glow of the light in his room. He stood in front of the mirror staring at himself. He didn’t recognize the man looking back at him. He was pale, his cheeks sunken in, his hair greasy obviously not having been washed in a while. His eyes haunted, dark, empty of anything that was once him. Yet, it was still him, his reflection still held all the scars on his arms he saw when he looked down.

He hated who he had become, yet he’d let himself change for the worse. He needed a release of some sort. He needed to feel that he was still alive in this Hell. He needed to feel it badly. Without thinking he brought his fist up to the mirror shattering it with a broken sob escaping his lungs. Broken glass rained to the floor and upon him.

Not realizing it he knelt down and grabbed a piece of the mirror in his hand. He yanked his sleeves up and started vigorously marking up his healed wrists. Tears were mixing with the blood dripping onto the floor and his jeans. He was too far gone to realize a crowd was forming outside his door from all the noise. He was getting his release he craved.

Suddenly, his arms were yanked back and the glass removed from his hand. Tears still fell freely, clouding his vision. Someone knelt down next to him and brought him into a tight hug to keep him from getting more glass. A sob slipped out.

“Shhh. It’s alright.” He knew the voice was Priscilla, but he kept his eyes closed tightly, not wanting to see the sight in front of him. He felt something soft wrap around his wrists. Then he was pulled up by someone else and it was only then he opened his eyes to see several people standing in his doorway, one of them Denise. Looking down he saw a couple towels around his wrists and held them together in front of him. As he was led towards his own door he saw the tears in her eyes.

Carter was walking in front of William as the crowd parted letting them through. William could hear whispers and felt Priscilla with her arm around his waist gently squeeze reassuring him what she said was true, that it was all right. He walked with his head down and let Carter and Priscilla led him through the halls where he was taken in to see a doctor and get his arms cleaned up. He was to spend the night in one of those rooms, much to his dismay.

Priscilla was in a private office dialing a number they only had to use a few times in the last year. It wasn’t a number often used, but they were thankful they had it when they needed it. The phone was picked up on the other end after three rings.

“It’s Priscilla. We need you. Can you be here tomorrow?” was all she said.