Broken Minds

It was four months to the day after William was admitted he was finally being released. He hadn’t seen Travie for the last two because he was improving so well. He missed seeing his friend on a daily basis, but understood that he couldn’t stick around forever either. He had his own career to work on. The fall out from the newspaper wasn’t as bad as they thought it could have been. Sure, for a while some fans stood outside the building hoping to catch a glimpse of him but that stopped after several weeks when they finally caught on that none of the patients ever went outside.

There was a sudden surge in mail to the center afterwards too, but a representative made a statement declaring while the mail is a kind gesture and appreciated by whom it was intended for, they needed to keep their mailbox open in order to receive important mail and didn’t want it compromised by the mass mail coming in daily, so the letters stopped. William really didn’t want to read them all anyway since the reason he was in there wasn’t what they thought, it had never been corrected and he didn’t want to see some of the hate mail he was sure was hidden amongst the, “get well” and “we support you no matter what” letters. It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate the kind gesture his fans made; he just wasn’t in the right mindset to read them all.

When William walked out those front doors that he had once considered his prison, he had hoped to see Gabe standing there but he had just started a tour overseas and was currently in Europe and as much as he wished he would have canceled at least one date so he could see him he understood completely and he wouldn’t even suggest Gabe disappoint his fans like that. Besides the tour was being booked before he ever went into rehab and no one had any idea when he was being released anyway when he had gone in there.

Instead, he saw Sisky and Mike standing there with big smiles on their faces ready to welcome him back into the world. They all embraced in a big hug, finally glad to be able to see him and see him looking healthy again with a genuine smile on his face at seeing his friends after so long. They hoped they would never have to go through this again. It was torture on them knowing what they failed to see and promised themselves to keep a better eye on each other if they saw anything out of the ordinary.

William got in Sisky’s car, with Mike sitting in the back and they spoke idly with each other to pass the time it took to drive back to William’s apartment. He didn’t remember the drive ever being so long, it seemed to take forever, but then again he had never drove to or from Mercy Rehab before. Not to mention, he was rather anxious to get back to his own place. Never before had he wanted to get back there so badly as he did right then.

He started to get excited as he saw his apartment building come into view. He was to the point he wanted to jump out of the car and run up to his place before the car ever fully stopped. He managed to hold back and instead walk as a somewhat quickened pace just ahead of Sisky and Mike. He took the three flights of stairs two at a time and placed his key in the door and opened it wide.

He was met with a “surprise,” when the door swung open to reveal him standing there shocked. He was amazed to see about 20 people, his friends, standing in his living room. He turned around wide-eyed and smiling and was met with huge smiles on both Sisky and Mike’s faces.

“Welcome home Bill,” Sisky announced.

“Yeah. Welcome home,” Mike echoed as he pushed William further into the room so they could enter fully.

William was surprised to see so many of his friends there. He hadn’t thought that many people would actually care he was on the road to a full recovery. He honestly figured no one would really care he was out besides his band mates. They had every right to be pissed at him or his band mates for not saying anything, but weren’t. After all, the only reason they found out he was “sick” was the leak to the newspaper that had so many details wrong and it spread by Internet and between everyone else by phone. He had never said why he was in rehab publicly so they still didn’t know the real reason. Well, only six people knew the real reason but only five of them were in that room. The other, the sixth person, was on tour somewhere in Europe with his band unable to be there.

William was walking around the room, thanking everyone for showing up and answer questions on how he was doing. No one bothered to ask what had happened and he wasn’t sure he’d ever tell without ever being prompted. He turned around when he felt a hand on his shoulder and was looking at Pete.

“Hey man. Glad to see you back. Looking good.” Pete held a smile on his face and reached up to bring him into a hug.

“Thanks Pete,” William said quietly as he leaned down to hug back.

They stood chatting for a few minutes before William was able to move on to someone else to talk to and thank. He made his way through the suddenly stuffy room and found himself alone in the kitchen next to the food. His stomach sank. He knew he could eat it and be fine, nothing would happen; his body wouldn’t reject it anymore. He just found it hard in his mind sometimes to follow through. He could feel his breath hitch and his heart speed up. He didn’t want to eat. Turning around and bracing himself on the counter in front of the sink as a sickness took hold of his stomach. He closed his eyes willing his body to cooperate. Jumping slightly only when he felt a pair of strong hands on his shoulders yanking him out of the downward spiral he had started.

“It’s just me,” Travie said quietly leaning in to the younger man’s ear. “You’re looking good.”

William turned around and looked at the taller man. His eyes drifted over to the table again and Travie followed his line of sight. “Trav-Travie?”

“Hmm?” he questioned wrapping an arm around William’s shoulder for comfort, letting him know he was still there for him.

“Should-should I feel like th-th-this?” Travie raised an eyebrow in confusion. “Like-like its go-going to-to-to ru-ruin me?”

“Oh Bill.” Travie moved to bring him in to a tight hug his voice so sympathetic. “It’ll get better, in time the thought of eating won’t bother you anymore. It’s only been four months.” He could feel the shorter man nod against his shoulder. “I will always be here for you any time you need me. Any time you are afraid to pick up that fork no matter what time of day.” He pulled back and held William’s face firmly but gently in his hands looking him in the eye. “Understand?”

“Yes.” William took the small plate containing single slice of cake on it from Travie’s hand and slowly ate it with slightly trembling hands.

It was growing dark outside and a few of the people had to leave to tend to other business. William had finished making most of his rounds and was sitting on the couch wishing Gabe was there with him. He heard his phone ring somewhere in the distance, but didn’t remember setting it down anywhere.

“Here man,” he heard as he saw his phone being handed to him. He turned enough to see one of his friends from high school handing it to him. “I’m headed out now. See you around sometime.” William nodded his understanding and a silent thank you as he answered his phone without looking at who was calling.

“Hello?” His voice sounded tired but he didn’t care. He’d had enough excitement with all his friends and was ready to relax as soon as a few more left.

“Bilvy, baby. I miss you. I wish I was there with you right now.” William couldn’t hide the huge smile spreading across his face and the tears starting to flood his eyes as his ear was filled with the sound of Gabe’s voice. He hadn’t heard it in so long and it was a relief to know the man that he loved so desperately didn’t forget about him.

“I miss you to. I wish you were here,” William’s voice choked up. He looked at the clock and realizing how late it was getting only meant that it was later wherever Gabe was. He had to have woken up in the middle of the night just to call.

They sat talking on the phone for the next hour. Tears being shed on both ends at the want to be near each other, and the distance making it impossible for them to even touch. Hearing the other’s voice wasn’t enough they longed for more. They longed for something tangible.

While Bill was sitting on his couch crying a majority of the people that were in his apartment filed out. He heard someone be let in while his back was to the door and heard a female voice mention she had just got off work and wanted to see how her friend was doing even though it was getting late. When he hung up his phone a pair of arms wrapped around his thin frame and a head was nestled on his shoulder.

“Sorry I’m late,” she said cheerfully yet quiet.

“Christine. Wow, haven’t seen you in a year. I can’t believe you showed up.” William turned enough to see who was standing there. He instantly perked up at the sight of one his high school friends. He couldn’t believe she was standing there next to him.

The last few people who were still in his apartment said their goodnight before leaving. They didn’t want to interrupt him with the new visitor they all know he hadn’t seen in a long time. Before he knew it, it was just Christine and him sitting on his couch looking at each other lost for words.

“So Bill tell me something,” She starts and receives an inquisitive stare. “How did we go so long without contacting each other?”

He shrugged having no idea, no real answer for her. “Well, for four months I was in Mercy with no outside contact,” he finally stated after several minutes of silence.

“That is true. Can I ask you something personal?” Her voice was hesitant, unsure if he would answer her question if she asked. He nodded slightly. “Why were you there? I saw where everyone was speculating drug use. But I know that isn’t you, that’s not the Bill I know,” she stated carefully.

William was hesitant and stared down at his sleeves for a long time before he pulled up both his sleeves enough to reveal a handful of scars covering his wrists. He heard her gasp before he saw her hands reach out to his arms grabbing them gently. She carefully ran her fingers over the permanent marks.

“Oh my God Bill.” Her voice was filled with sadness and he looked up at her and saw unshed tears shining in her eyes. “Why?” she inquired.

He sat there and retold his story to her. He didn’t see the point in hiding the truth anymore, not when so many people obviously seemed to still care about him even after his name was smeared in the newspaper and online. He recounted the day everything came crashing down around him, that day he had collapsed before a show earning him a one-way trip to rehab. He told her about Gabe finding out and trying to help and how he fucked that up by not being ready to fix himself.

Christine was perched up on her knees on the couch next to him hugging him as she felt all the emotions run through his body. Her own tears falling into his hair at the thought her friend had been hurting so badly for so long and kept it secret from everyone he loved because he hadn’t wanted to burden them with his problems he knew he had but wasn’t admitting. He knew it had gotten out of hand, but by then it had been too late to stop.

Too lonely to be alone that night he asked Christine to stay with him. They were both lying in his bed cuddled up like they used to do when they were teenagers. She moved slightly and looked up at his face through the dark. He had his eyes closed but felt her moving in the blanket of darkness covering the room. He felt a pair of soft lips meet his, they weren’t Gabe’s, he knew that, but they felt good in a different kind of way. Slowly, he let his wall down and let his feelings control him guide him in the kiss.

In the morning William awoke to the bed empty next to him. It wasn’t unusual for him anymore but he didn’t like it nonetheless. He threw the blankets back and pulled on a pair of boxers and a tee before slowly making his way out to the kitchen. He stopped in the doorway and watched Christine making breakfast wearing his long sleeved shirt from the previous day.

“Morning Bill,” she nearly sang as she set two plates of food on the table. He smiled and sat down joining her.

“Morning,” he sighed almost thinking the previous night had been a dream. He looked down at his food on a paper plate.

“Yeah, about that. What happened to all your dishes I couldn’t find a single one?” William nearly started laughing.

“I broke them.” He said it so matter-of-factly there wasn’t room for any more questions to be asked on that topic.

“Well I guess I’ll have to go out and buy some then.” She took a bite of her food and watched as William did the same. “You know, we should go out do something together. You know, just hang out like we used to. Go to a movie. Something.” William nodded, agreeing.

They went to a movie and then walked around the city just talking and catching up on everything that had been going on with them. They stopped in at a family diner to eat dinner that evening since there still weren’t any plates or anything to use. While they were still out around the city after eating Christine managed to convince William to buy a new set of dishes so there was actually something to eat on.

They went back to his apartment and sat down on the couch. Christine curled up next to him as they watched a late night movie. She could feel her eyes getting heavy and looked up to see the same on William’s face. With a smile she stood and leaned down pressing her lips to his coaxing him up and into the bedroom for the night.

It was three weeks later, and William woke up later than he had planned on. He’d been up late the night before talking with Gabe and catching up on everything with him and the tour and how well he’s still doing. He was about to get up when Christine walked back in the bedroom holding something small in her hand with a blank expression on her face.

“What is that?” William asked apprehensively as she sat by his knees on the bed. Without a word she handed him the piece of plastic and he grasped it hesitantly. It only took a second for him to realize there was a plus sign in one of the small windows. He looked up at her in disbelief.

“I’m pregnant,” she nearly whispered on the verge of tears.

“Fuuuuuuck,” he whined as he fell back onto the bed his hands over his face palms of his hands digging into his eyes. He suddenly sat up and threw clothes on while Christine sat there still in shock herself as she continued to stare at the results now lying next to her on the bed.

“Where are you going Bill?” Her voice remained quiet.

“I just need to go out and clear my mind for a bit. I’ll be back later.” He shrugged on a hoodie as he headed out of the bedroom and inevitably out of his apartment.

He walked down the street, clutching his phone tightly in his hand debating on whom to call. He wanted to call Gabe but didn’t know if he should. He thought of calling his band mates but didn’t want them ragging on him. He thought of calling Travie but he was just about as close to Gabe as he was and that may not be the best option either.

He stopped after nearly fifteen minutes of walking and looked up at the apartment building in front of him. Pushing his thoughts momentarily out of the way he made his way inside and up to the familiar second floor apartment and knocked. It was still relatively early so he didn’t expect an answer right away at the door so he was surprised when the door opened a minute later.

“Bill, what are you doing here?” the man asked a little shocked.

“Sisky, I fucked up.” William stated sounding out of breath.

The friend let him in and they made their way to the couches in the living room. Sisky sat down and William remained standing nearly pacing wearing a strip of carpet thin. Sisky knew whatever it was it couldn’t be good and would have to wait a minute for his friend to compose himself before speaking.

“Fuck,” William spat stopping looking at his friend who remained sitting.

“What is going on Bill?” Sisky tried to remain as calm as possible.

“It’s Christine.” Sisky looked at him incredulously. “She’s fucking pregnant.” He continued to look at William confused as to why that mattered to him so much. “By ME.” William’s voice was nearly in panic as he continued.

William sat down on the other couch and placed his head in his hands fisting his hair and tugging slightly. He looked down at the floor in front of him picking a speck in the carpet to stare at. Sisky was at a loss momentarily by the news his friend just told him.

“She’s fucking pregnant. What the fuck was I thinking sleeping with her? I love Gabe. I want Gabe. I don’t want her. I’m not into her. I love her only as a friend. Fuck.” He looked up long enough to see Sisky about to ask him why he’d slept with her. So he continued. “She was there in a moment of weakness. I was lonely. It happened that first night when I got back. I regretted it then and I’ve regretted every time since then. I just couldn’t tell her no.”

Sisky moved over to sit next to his friend and placed his hand on his shoulder for a sense of comfort or at least knowledge he was there for him. William wiped at a tear that was dangerously close to falling.

“I don’t know what to do. I want to do what is right. But is that stay with her or go with my heart? Fuck. I don’t know. Would Gabe even want to be with me after finding out?” He turned to his still silent friend. “Sisky?” His voice held an aura of hurt and regret mixed with uncertainty.

“I don’t know what to tell you Bill. I honestly don’t.” Sisky stated feeling sorry for his friend and the predicament he got himself into. There was nothing he could do.

“I hate myself right now. I never should have got myself into this mess. Fuck.” He put his head back into his hands. “Fuck,” he groaned out again. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Sisky couldn’t help the smirk at the constant repeat of a simple four-letter words coming from his friend’s mouth.

“I won’t tell the others and I certainly won’t tell Gabe.” Sisky affirmed. It was the least he could do. He only hoped William would make up his mind on what he should do and do it soon.

***

A month later Gabe opened the door to his apartment and went inside turning the light on. He had just gotten back after his tour and couldn’t be more glad to be back in the states, that much closer to William. He saw his pile of mail sitting on the coffee table in front of his couch and would get to it after getting a drink.

He made his way into the kitchen first and grabbed a band new bottle of vodka sitting on the countertop waiting for him. All he wanted to do was sit down, relax and enjoy his vodka over a long catch up conversation with none other than the person he loved deeply. He was ready to get back with him and knew William was in a better place than the last time he’d seen him in the hospital after collapsing.

He grabbed his cell after taking a sip of the alcohol he’d poured into a glass. He dialed the familiar number and was about to hit send to connect but paused thinking back to the last time he’d spoke to the younger male.

Something hadn’t felt right during that conversation. William seemed upset, on edge. He was hiding something and Gabe knew it. He sounded desperate for something to say something but couldn’t bring himself to say what it was no matter how much Gabe said he was worried about him. He could feel something wasn’t right. He’d wished he could have been there when William had been released but it was beyond his own control and they had to settle for phone conversations at weird hours of the day thanks to the time difference between them.

His mind had immediately suspected the worse, cutting and purging. He was afraid that he was going back to the hurt William that needed someone, some security. And he thought that he should cancel the tour to be with him. William pleaded with him not to do that, he’d be fine. He promised he wasn’t purging and he most definitely wasn’t cutting. He admitted the urges still struck him at times but he was stronger than that now.

That conversation took place almost a month ago and that bad feeling never left Gabe. He hit send on his phone and looked through his mail as he was waiting for it to connect. He saw a copy of People Magazine staring up at him and as soon as he heard the first ring echo in his ear and he hung up.

Right there on the cover was a picture of his William in a suit next to a beautiful girl in a white gown. Her smile was unsurpassable while William’s was there, but wasn’t as genuine as the woman’s. Gabe read the caption and felt his heart break, shatter even as it fell to depths he never knew. William had gotten married since the last time he spoke to him.

His phone rang suddenly shrieking in the silence of his apartment. Glancing at it he saw Bilvy illuminating the screen. He hit ignore as he felt the first of many tears start to fall and took a long drink of his Vodka straight from the bottle.

THE END