Broken Minds

About 9 o’clock there was a rapid knock on his door. Startled, he was about to open the door when he realized he had a tee on and several angry looking cuts on his arm exposed for the world to see. He ran back into his bedroom and grabbed the first button down shirt he could find. It was his favorite red flannel that he wore often. Whether it was still dirty or not, he didn’t care. He just wanted to keep his arms covered.

“Hey Bill,” Sisky smiled when William opened the door. William stepped aside and let him as well as Mike and Chizzy in.

“What brings you three here, didn’t see enough of me on tour?” William teased.

“We saw more than enough of you, believe me,” Mike added as the others snickered.

“Wondered if you wanted to go out with us tonight to a bar?” Sisky asked while he looked around.

“I look like shit dude. Need to shower and change.” William answered with whatever distraction popped into his head first.

“You look fine mate. Wear what you got on.” Chizzy wrapped his arm around William’s shoulder smiling. He took in a deep breath against William’s neck. “Just throw some cologne on.”

William couldn’t keep resisting, so he went into his bathroom and made sure he smelled decent enough before joining the rest in his living room gathered by the door ready to leave. They piled into a cab and headed to the bar, with William crammed in-between Sisky and Mike.

When they got to the bar they all climbed out and went inside the dark, smoke filled room. They sat at a table since there weren’t enough seats at the bar, and the bartender quickly made her way to them to take their drink orders. They all decided on beer except for William. He wanted a shot of tequila. Sisky looked at the others before looking back at William, they knew if he was drinking more than beer that there was something going on. William knew this too and kept his eyes down so as to not have to see the inquisitive eyes staring straight at him.

“Zach ended it today,” he said so softly so that he could barely be heard above the music blaring through the speakers. They managed to hear him anyway.

“Wow man. What happened? Did he say why?” Sisky was always the one to ask the questions everyone else wanted to ask but never did.

Shaking his head in a firm ‘no’ William added, “I don’t want to talk about it.” Thankfully, they left it at that, no one pressed for more information. They all knew the bitter feeling that followed breakups, and no one wanted to wallow in it. William would open up when he felt like it.

The bartender came back with a tray of their drinks and handed them out. As soon as the shot glass was set down in front of William he grabbed it and downed it, straight – no salt, no lime. He never flinched but the others did, knowing how much the liquor must bite in William's throat. He handed the shot glass back to the bartender and when she asked him if he wanted another he shook his head yes.

Five shots later, William was starting to feel it. He switched to beer. The others hadn’t seen him drink like this in a long time and were wondering if it was a good idea to let him keep on.

“You should probably slow down,” Mike stated when William was handed his fourth beer. William rolled his eyes and took a drink.

The alcohol was making him flushed and he was wearing long sleeves, which wasn't a good combination. The alcoholic haze settled over him, and he wasn't thinking anymore when he started to roll up his sleeves. The moment his right wrist was bare, Sisky, who was sitting next to William, grabbed hold of it tightly.

“What’s this?” He questioned firmly. William yanked his wrist away quickly upon realizing his mistake.

“Nothing.” William answered, clearly irritated by the intrusion.

“What’s it from?” Sisky tried again.

“No idea. I don’t remember. I don’t know when it happened.” William snapped back, he didn’t want to deal with them anymore.

“They look new,” Chizzy added, sounding concerned.

“I’m fine, they’re fine. Don’t worry about it.” William yanked his sleeves down to cover his wrists. He figured he’d just have to stay hot.

“Then how did you cut your hand, do you even know the answer to that?” Mike asked getting fed up with William, they knew he wasn’t telling them the truth.

“Fuck you, and a plate fell from the cupboard and broke.” William didn’t lie this time, he was aggravated enough. He sat back in his chair and chugged his nearly full beer.

He heard several girls behind him at the next table talking about drinking light beer over regular and how many calories were in it. He looked down at his hand that currently held an empty beer bottle and felt sick. He hadn’t thought of that before.

“I’m leaving,” William said standing up and swaying slightly from the sudden alcohol rush. He grabbed hold of the table and Sisky a hold of his arm.

“You alright dude?” He looked up at his friend who had glassy eyes and couldn’t stand without it being noticeable the room was spinning. “How you going to get home?”

“I’ll get a cab.” His speech was already slurred.

“Want me to go with you?” William shook his head no and immediately wished he hadn’t from the way it made his head spin. “I’m at least going to wait for your cab with you.” William didn’t feel like arguing, and so he accepted defeat.

They stepped outside and there was a sudden chill in the air. It had cooled off significantly and a lightning bolt in the distance meant there was a storm fast approaching. William stood against the brick wall and Sisky stood next to him. Neither of them said a thing, too much going on in either of their heads.

When the cab showed up, Sisky helped William in and then leaned over to the driver and told him where to take his passenger and handed him a ten dollar bill, obviously more than it would cost because it wasn’t that far, then told him to keep the change. He just wanted to make sure that his friend and lead singer got home safely.

During the five minute ride back to his place, William had been thrown from one side of the backseat to the other numerous times, which wasn’t sitting well with his stomach full of alcohol. He was extremely nauseous. The cab driver held up the money he was already handed so William knew to just get out and he made a note to thank Sisky if he remembered in the morning.

He stumbled out of the cab and into his apartment only falling up the stairs twice and into the walls at least the same number of times before fumbling with the lock on his door. He cursed loudly when he dropped his keys for the third time. He just couldn’t get the key to stick into the lock and he was about to kick his door down when his phone rang.

“What?” The frustration was very evident in his voice when he answered the call.

“Whoa. Sorry dude. Just checking on you. The others told me you left and were very drunk.” Gabe started. “Just wanted to make sure you made it into your apartment all right.”

“If my fucking key would just fit in this damn door,” William grumbled. Gabe had to listen closely to hear through the slurs. Gabe realized then that William was more drunk than he was trying to let on, he'd definitely had more alcohol than the boy typically consumed.

“Bill, calm down and take a deep breath,” Gabe’s voice was even and soft. “Now, place your key in the lock and turn it.” He could tell William was doing as he said and he heard the successful click of the lock and the door shut once William was inside.

Gabe kept quiet on the phone for a minute as he heard William fumbling around to turn a light on and probably take his shoes off. He could hear William start to breathe heavy over the phone and a slight groan sounded.

“Fuck,” William said quickly. Next thing Gabe knew he heard the phone hit the floor followed by the sound of William puking. He cringed, figuring it sounded worse over the phone than if he were to be standing right there. He kept on the line waiting for William to finish.

William apologized when he had control over his stomach for a minute and hung up, saying he’d talk to Gabe later. He'd barely managed to end the call when he started to throw up again. He fell asleep on the bathroom floor that night, he didn't feel steady enough on his feet and he was too exhausted to even move to the comfort of his bed.

In the morning William woke with a splitting headache and was still lying on the bathroom floor. He moaned as he sat up, his body sore from sleeping on the hard cold surface. He tried to stand and heard joints popping in the process. He vowed never to drink like that again, and then changed it to never drink again when he remembered how many calories there were in alcohol. That snippet of overhead conversation was the only thing he remembered clearly from the night before. He bent down and picked his phone up off the floor and wondered why it was sitting there and not in his pocket.

“Shit,” he mumbled, hoping he hadn’t drunk dialed anyone. He looked through the list of outgoing calls and there were none, which was a relief.

He started looking through the medicine cabinet looking for something to take to help his headache and was finding absolutely nothing. William came to the conclusion that he’d just have to lay in bed and sleep it off hopefully. He wanted a shower first after sleeping on his bathroom floor. It wasn’t that it was filthy, but it was the bathroom floor.

Once he felt refreshed from his shower, he crawled into his bed and pulled the soft blanket over himself, feeling much better already. His stomach grumbled, but it would have to wait. He wanted some decent sleep. It didn’t take long for him to go back to sleep.

When he woke up again, his headache had lessened; it wasn’t gone but not as intense. William was grateful for even the small change. His stomach, however, was still protesting at him to feed it. Groaning as he got up he made his way into the empty kitchen, he found himself opening the cupboards again and looking. His head was still foggy, and he'd forgotten that he'd cleared them all out.

Aggravated, he went to the silverware drawer looking for his piece of mind and found it. It came in the form of several more angry red lines on his wrist. They oozed as he held his arm over the sink again. His stomach may have still been empty but it seemed to understand and quit grumbling.

He closed his eyes as his head rested on the countertop waiting for the blood to cease. He would get the hang of this he told himself. Pretty soon it would just come to him and he wouldn’t be thinking of looking for evil.

When he had gained over himself again, he sat down on his couch. He decided to wash the sink later, not feeling like dealing with the aftermath of his hunger fight. Turning the television on he flipped through the channels one after the other trying to find something, searching for himself. Eventually he ended up watching some lame show on Discovery.

William sat there staring at the screen not really taking in what he was seeing. He was zoned out, but the background noise occupied his mind enough he wasn’t thinking of what Zach told him, nor of the fact his body wanted food that he was denying himself.

Several hours passed and his stomach started to complain loudly again. He got up and went back into the kitchen for his fight once again. He pressed harder, longer and deeper and gashed his arm more. He stood watching the blood steadily drip off his arm leaving a trail where it ran. He stood there in awe of his masterpiece. He didn’t even look for food before doing anything this time. It was a victory in his mind.

This time the bleeding took longer to taper off. When it showed signs of quitting he rinsed the stains off his arm and hissed. The water hitting the fresh deeper wounds only helped to deter his hunger further. A little more blood started to come to the surface so he went into the bathroom to control his soul with a couple bandages.

His mind and body felt drained so he went back into his bedroom after turning everything off in his apartment. He lay in bed trying to go back to sleep. It wasn’t working even though by now it was dark again.

His mind was busy torturing him. Thoughts of Zach telling him he’s disgusting and fat replayed over and over. Unaware of his surroundings any more he drifted off to sleep.

“Hey Bill come here. I want you to see this. Come on look at this.” The figure said loudly, making his way over to the sink. William slowly walked closer to have a look and peered down looking in the stainless steel sink and saw the deep crimson stains covering the entirety of the metal. “Why don’t you show everyone what you did? What this is from.”

William looked back up staring at the figure before him. He was wearing the same clothes as he was currently but there was something different. A darker look, his eyes were almost black void of any of the chocolate paint of his own eyes. He held an aura about him that didn’t feed off good vibes. Something was off but he couldn’t figure it out.

William was confused, why was he looking at himself. He continued to look closer at the person in front of him. He certainly looked like he did, however, he was fat. Not just a little over weight but obese.

“Come on Bill. You did this. Show everyone how you did it.” The shadow of himself said accusingly as he held his wrists out showing flesh hanging off and blood still pouring from too deep of cuts.

The figure reached into the cupboard behind his head and pulled out food, snacks really, snacks like candy bars, and sugar filled cupcakes of all varieties. He opened one and started eating it. He shoved several more into his mouth and William felt sick.

“Come on, have a bite to eat. You’ll be fine. You have good metabolism. You won’t gain a pound.” He held his arms out gesturing to himself. “Look at me for example. I don’t care what I eat and I haven’t gained any weight.”

He looked up and down at the person before him thinking he was lying in the last minute he watched him shove his face full of food he looked to be getting fatter and fatter.

“Come on Bill, don’t worry about a thing.” He held out a candy bar and William reached out for it and brought it to his mouth taking a bite. The moment the food entered his mouth he looked down at himself and saw himself plumping out. The figure handed him more. “You’re hungry aren’t you? Look at you. You look damn fine. Have another.” He held out more evil and William took it shoving his own face full of the poison.

There was a knock on the door and it opened to reveal his band mates. They all came rushing in and up to the other William. They hugged like they didn’t see anything wrong with him. He watched as they were led into the kitchen to the sink and heard something indistinguishable murmured and they all looked at the sink in horror then to William who held out his arms still gouged beyond recognition.

Suddenly the figure pointed toward where he was standing and everyone turned to look at him and rushed him with an unfamiliar darkness in their eyes.

William sat up with a start and looked around. He looked down at his body touching it to make sure he wasn’t as big as what he just saw. Relief flooded his body when he realized he wasn’t. He shook his head and went to lay back down when he remembered the stains in the sink.

“Fuck.” He jumped up and went into the kitchen and blinded himself by turning on the light. Once his eyes were no longer maladjusted, he got out the cleaner and started to scrub vigorously at the stubborn stains. They came out but not without leaving a tiny trace he could see.

He didn’t even realize he was adding more stains to the ones he had just cleaned out until he felt the burn of fresh cuts. His eyes watered as he watched the blood swirl down the drain. But he was happy with himself and hoped he could go back to sleep now.

The following morning when William woke up, his wrist was hurting something terrible and he saw the latest batch of cuts with blood smeared around them. He didn’t remember doing them. Looking down at his sheets he saw several traces of blood left behind from where they rubbed on the cotton.

He yanked the sheets off his bed and saw the pile of dirty clothes still in a pile from the tour that had just ended. The pile was getting bigger every day and he was running out of clean clothes. He pulled on a pair of torn jeans and a tee, he figured so long as no one was coming over he could wear short sleeves and do laundry and write all day.

He threw the first load into the washer. On days like this, where he had a ton of laundry, he was glad he had a washer and dryer in his apartment. He managed to get a portion of a song written before he got stuck. He needed to clear his mind.

Three more slices were made on his right arm. His wrist was full, so they were going up his forearm. At least his mind was cleared for the time being.

Later that day and every day for the next week William was asked to hang out by his band mates. He always turned them down. He wanted to stay away from anyone and every one. He knew he’d be tempted to eat or nearly force fed if he was around them too long. He didn’t want that so he stayed by himself locked in his apartment to avoid temptations. He had to start using his left wrist after running out of room on his right. The cuts weren’t as neat because he wasn’t using his dominant hand anymore. Least it got the job done though.

By the end of that week William had taken to not even answering his phone because he knew it was always someone, Sisky, Chizzy, Mike or Butcher, wanting to hang out with him. He ran out of excuses and decided to just ignore their attempts. Maybe they’d give up eventually. It was worth a shot to him. It appeared to be working because the calls slowed down to once a day.

William was in the bathroom now with his left wrist over the sink. He stopped using the kitchen sink because of the stainless steel getting scratched from him scrubbing it so much, and he'd discovered that the porcelain of the bathroom sink was easier to clean. He was lost in his absent thoughts as he watched the blood slowly seep out of the fresh wounds that he hadn’t heard a knock on the door. The second time the knock resounded, he jumped.

“Fuck.” He wasn’t prepared for this. Washing the blood off quickly, he tried to wipe the sink just as fast. He placed a couple bandages on his wrist to keep the blood from soaking through his sleeve as he pulled it down before the cuts were ready. He heard another knock. Obviously, whoever it was wasn’t going away. He felt his heart pounding as he reached for his doorknob almost afraid of who was on the other side.

He was met with a big smile.