Broken Minds

Gabe thought William was about to run away and lock himself in a room. Instead, he watched as the younger boy made his way dejectedly into the living room and sat down heavily on the couch. Gabe didn’t know what to think or do. William had just pushed him away, which wasn't like William at all. He stood there awkwardly for a moment, wondering if he should take William's actions as a cue to leave. He looked over towards the exit, but couldn't make himself leave without first trying to talk things out. Slowly he walked toward William, stopping about five feet away, looking at the back of William's head

“Should I leave?” Gabe asked, sounding like a wounded child.

“I’m not going to tell you to. That’s up to you entirely.” William said flatly. “I’d like it if you stayed though.”

Without saying a word, Gabe moved around the couch and sat down on the opposite end of where William sat. He turned his body enough to be able to look at his friend. William looked confused. His hair obscured his face, his teeth twisting his bottom lip. William didn't know what do to either, and he was starting to realize that maybe it wasn't just himself he hurt through his actions.

“Want to see a movie?” William asked suddenly, looking at Gabe through his long bangs with a grin. He just wanted to forget what had happened only a moment earlier. The tense quiet needed to be beaten down.

“Gladly.” Gabe moved closer, mirroring William’s smile. They were both happy to forget the uneasiness.

At the end of the movie, Gabe looked at William who looked to be about ready to fall asleep. Smiling, Gabe placed his hand on William’s thigh and gave a squeeze. William looked over at Gabe after glancing at the hand on his thigh. They had always acted playfully towards each other, and certain things that others would think questionable were common between them. However, Gabe always had an alterative motive behind his actions. He had always wanted William; he just never thought William wanted the same. That thought disappeared the moment they had kissed. The fact that William hadn't hit him or told him to leave --in fact, William had asked him to stay-- served as evidence to satisfy Gabe's new belief that William wanted it too.

Gabe decided to test the waters again by moving his hand up higher, trying to provoke reaction from the younger man. When his hand was as high up on William’s thigh and he saw no reaction he decided to go further. He moved to where he was straddling William, something they always did to get the other’s attention. William looked at him and they locked eyes, William’s eyes looked blank. Gabe ran his hand down William’s chest and placed his hands on the hips of the man below him. They felt more bony than usual. He assumed it was from him having been sick recently and not eating.

Gabe leaned in and kissed William again, and like before William didn’t respond right away. He didn’t respond at all. Gabe pulled back, the hurt written all over his face. William just sat there, not even bothering with an explanation. Gabe tried one last time, placing his hand on the hem of the shirt William wore and toying with it. Just as skin started to show, his hand was swatted away.

“Don’t,” William said. He seemed exhausted, but the warning was still clear in his voice. Gabe got off the boy and stood there looking at him, obviously confused by William's reaction or lack thereof.

“What the fuck, Bill. What is going on?” Gabe asked harshly.

“Can you just go right now? I need to be alone.” William sounded depressed and it worried Gabe.

“How much time do you need?” Gabe kneeled down in front of William, placing his hands on his knees. “I know something is wrong. You won’t even acknowledge any advances I make towards you. Not even in a playful way. I just wish you would tell me instead of pushing me away right now.”

“I don’t know.” William looked down at his knees where Gabe’s hands rested.

“I’ll be back in two days. That’s plenty of time.” Gabe moved a hand to William’s chin to make him look at him. “Today is Wednesday. That means I’ll be back on Friday. Okay, Bilvy?” William nodded. He could hear the concern in Gabe’s voice and see it written on his face. Gabe got up and placed a kiss to William’s forehead before letting himself out of the apartment.

When the door shut behind Gabe, William leaned back against the couch and let his tears fall. He was hurting Gabe with his secret and he needed to tell him, but didn’t think he would ever be strong enough to do so. He just needed time alone where he didn’t have to hide anything, he hated lying and he found himself constantly doing so around Gabe. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to do anything with Gabe, not like he didn’t miss their playful advances; he just couldn’t risk the consequences of what could happen. He knew Gabe wanted to do more with him, hell William did too, and not just playfully. They cared about each other William had known for a long time the way Gabe felt, the feelings he held, and William never showed it until that kiss when he gave in. He knew he hurt Gabe every time he was with someone else that wasn’t him.

William sat there until it was past dark, tears staining his cheeks several times, crying until he was completely exhausted. He tucked his legs up in front of him on the couch and hugged them tightly. He looked at his arms at the marks and felt a pang of regret, but it was his only way to cope. Slowly he got up and made his way into the kitchen and saw the food Gabe had just bought. Instead of grabbing something, he moved to a different cupboard and pulled down a plate. He closed his eyes as he slammed it down onto the counter breaking it. Without hesitation he grabbed a shard and pulled his sleeves up and started slicing into his arms again. Relief filled him, relief from any hunger that may have been hidden and relief that he could still feel pain that wasn’t emotional, relief that he could feel more than just his feelings for Gabe.

Blood dripped off his arms freely onto the countertop and the tiled floor as he moved closer to the sink. He held his arms over the sink and watched the crimson run off his arm and pool in the bottom of the stainless steel. He didn’t care if he scratched it up cleaning it anymore. He turned the faucet on and let the cold wash away the red, he watched it swirl down the drain in a state of near amazement at the way it ran off his arm and down the drain to be forgotten. Like it never really mattered at all.

William made his way into the bedroom and dressed down to just his boxers. Pulling the blankets back, he wondered when he had made the bed because he hadn’t that he recalled. Then it dawned on him that Gabe must have while he was taking a shower that morning, only it took until now for him to notice the kind gesture. He lied down on the cold sheets and shivered slightly as he tugged the blankets up under his chin. He took a shaky breath as he wished he had noticed earlier and had thanked Gabe. It was too late now, Gabe wasn’t around and he wished he were. He missed the comfort of Gabe’s arms around him holding him throughout the night letting him know there was someone who still cared for him.

Thursday morning when he woke up he felt the heat of the sun coming in through his window and hitting him in the face. He squinted against the bright light and stretched, feeling his joints complain at the action. He threw the tangled blankets back and stood up groaning, his body ached and there was a dull throb in his arms and he looked to them holding them out together in front of him. There were many new marks he barely remembered making the previous night.

He softly padded through the apartment out to the kitchen and as soon as he stepped through the doorway he saw what still remained from yesterday. Blood spattered the countertop and the tile floor. William took a deep breath and stepped over it and to the sink and grabbed the sponge to start trying to clean it up. When he was finished, there was still a faint trace of crimson left behind so he grabbed the cleaner from underneath the sink and sprayed the spots and wiped at them again. He felt a drop of something wet hit his hand as he wiped and realized it had fallen from his eyes. He was hurting himself and he knew it, but he didn’t want to stop. Gabe wouldn’t want to be with him after he found out. He knew it. He continued to wipe his emotions, his heart, off the floor and countertop until he was absolutely certain they were gone.

Just shy of noon there was a knock on his apartment door, he knew it wasn’t Gabe because he wasn’t going to be around until sometime the following day. He made his way from the couch to the door and opened it slowly. He was greeted by Sisky, Chizzy, Mike and Butcher smiling at him before they stepped inside.

“Hey man. Long time no see,” Sisky stated upon seeing the taller man standing there.

“I know, just have had a lot on my mind and didn’t want to be around a lot of people,” William clarified.

“Gabe was here wasn’t he?” Butcher questioned looking at William in his long sleeves in an apartment that was somewhere around 70 degrees. Granted it was a little cooler today than it had been thanks to a cold front, but they were all in short sleeves.

“Yeah, he left yesterday,” William tried to hide that it was his own fault he was gone.

“Oh, I figured he’d still be here,” Mike added, looking at the others. They all shrugged and walked further into William’s apartment.

“Dude, you have hardly anything in here to eat and only water to drink. The fuck man, where’s your food and beer?” Sisky questioned upon inspecting the kitchen.

“Haven’t bought any,” William called to his friend.

“Guess we’ll have to go out to eat then,” Butcher said with a smile.

William cringed inwardly at Butcher's suggestion. He knew he was only going to end up disappointing his friends, but what choice did he have? He wasn’t hungry and even if he were he didn’t want to eat. There was a reason he had next to nothing in his kitchen, he didn’t want any in there, but he couldn’t tell the others that. They, like Gabe, wouldn’t understand.

“Let’s go,” Mike called leading everyone out of William’s apartment. William was the last to leave, purposely trying to drag behind in the vain hope that they'd leave him be and not force him to go.

They all walked the three blocks to a pizza parlor for lunch, talking amongst themselves along the way. William contributed the least to the conversation, his mind was elsewhere. After making it inside and sitting in a corner booth, their drinks were ordered along with two large pizzas and an order of breadsticks. William felt trapped sitting there. Not just mentally being with people he’d have to eat in front of but literally as well since Sisky and Butcher were on one side of him and Chizzy and Mike on the other. Stuck in the corner of the booth, he was already trying to think of ways to escape to the bathroom.

Their waitress in her too happy attitude smiled flirtatiously at William as she set his drink down in front of him on the table. It didn’t go unnoticed by the others and they all held back their laughter until she was gone. Sisky nudged William in the side while laughing.

“If only she knew you were into guys instead.” Sisky started laughing again, a little harder than before. The others joined in. William only smiled half heartedly; it seemed guys weren’t really into him either unless he counted Gabe. But Gabe was Gabe.

The girl came back, nearly bouncing on her feet as she set their breadsticks down in the middle of the table. She looked at William with a hint of shyness in her features. William blushed at the look and the stares from everyone else before sinking down into his seat, smiling politely back at her before she left to wait on other tables.

Everyone grabbed greedily at the breadsticks. William waited as long as he could before getting up the courage to reach out, trying not to let his hand shake too badly as he grabbed one and slowly started to eat it. He had to eat something. He couldn’t be there with them and not eat; they’d know something was wrong if he did that. But he wasn’t going to shove his face full of food like they all were. That was going too far in his mind. He just hoped he could hold down his instinct and the all knowing reflex of his stomach.

Everyone seemed to busy in their conversations and stuffing their faces with the buttery bread to notice William wasn’t eating much. They were all laughing about something that had happened on tour and William didn’t catch what was said, too caught up in his own mind to be paying attention. No one seemed to notice that fact.

As their pizzas were brought over to the table their laughter died down and they all grabbed at their favorite kinds. William grabbed a piece of pepperoni and picked the meat off and set it on his plate as he slowly started to eat the slice of gooey goodness. Mike looked over at William upon seeing the man pick off the spicy meat.

“You going to eat that pepperoni?” he asked. William only shook hid head. “Can I have it then?” William nodded and held his plate up in front of Mike so he could grab them off his plate and put them on his own. Sisky looked at his friend questioningly.

“Something wrong?” Sisky asked quietly. He didn’t want everyone else to really get in on the conversation.

“No,” William said just as quietly as he forced a bite into his mouth. “Why?”

“You didn’t want your pepperoni. That’s unusual for you.” Sisky sounded slightly concerned.

“My stomach feels a little upset so I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire.” William replied with a shrug.

“Oh. If you didn’t want to come, you didn’t have to. Especially if you don’t feel well.” Sisky had no idea only reason his best friend's stomach was upset was because William was actually eating, something that wouldn't create issues for many others. The excuse was ideal for William though, since it came with the added benefit of giving him a way out if he couldn’t keep his stomach under control long enough.

After suffering through one slice of pizza, William decided to stop. He wasn’t going to push himself more than he already had. His stomach already felt ready to protest, but he fought to keep it at bay. He sat there, slumped down in the booth, his arms folded across his chest and eyes closed. As bad as he was feeling, he didn’t care if the others held a secretive conversation at that point; he already knew they would be.

“Excuse me,” William said quietly after fighting the battle for a good five minutes. He didn’t think he could keep it down much more. Sisky and Butcher slid out of their seats and allowed William to get out. They watched him disappear around the corner where the bathrooms were located.

Opening the door with nearly too much force, William made it into the far stall and leaned over as his hands held the side of the seat and the contents easily came up. He could still feel the heaviness in his stomach so he brought his hand up and two fingers down his throat to help the feeling leave his body. Wiping the tears from his eyes he heard the door open to the bathroom. He stood up straight and took a couple steadying deep breaths.