Broken Minds

“Bill?” a soft voice, Butcher’s, called through the metal door. “You alright dude?”

“Ye-yeah,” his voice cracked. He rolled his eyes and cursed himself mentally for the way his voice sounded. He hated sounding so weak, and he knew it showed.

“Sisky said you had an upset stomach.” Butcher said, not needing a reply. “You want to go back to your place after you get out or not? We won’t make you stay with us.”

“I’m feeling a little better now,” he said, opening the stall and stepping out and over to the sink. He didn’t want to blow them off again. He'd done that too often recently.

Turning the cold water on, he cupped his hands and slurped the water from them before spitting it back into the sink to rinse the foul taste from his mouth. He took in several more sips, until he was sure the taste was gone. Afterwards, he splashed some water onto his face trying to rid the evidence of the red eyes and flushed heat from his features. He looked up into the mirror and gave a weak smile to his friend, then stood and turned around, letting Butcher lead him back to the table. Everyone looked up when they first saw him, but went back to their conversations so they wouldn't make William uncomfortable.

Instead of letting him back into the middle of the table, William sat on the end. That suited him fine anyway, it made it a lot easier to escape again if he needed to. Not that he hoped that would happen. The table was nearly empty, and soon the waitress came back to clear the table and leave the check. Sisky pulled out his credit card and handed it to her without any of the usual arguments that came with the bill. William stood up as everyone else started to file out, and started towards the door.

He stopped when he felt someone touch his arm. Turning, he saw the waitress smiling at him. She looked nervous as she handed him a piece of paper with a number and name written in neat handwriting. He smiled at her apologetically before handing it back. She looked confused.

“That’s really cute. But um, I can’t take it.” William saw the smile falter on her face.

“Why?” She asked.

“Do you know who I am?” He decided to avoid the question for a moment. He could hear the other guys trying not to laugh. They always thought it was funny when William was stuck turning down a fangirl.

“Ye-yes.” Her smile was bigger. “You’re William Beckett of The Academy Is…”

William smiled at her, it was hard not to try and be nice to a fan. “Yup, and that is one reason why I can’t take your number.”

“But I want you to have it. If you ever want to call and talk to me I’ll answer.” She clearly wasn't going to give up easy.

“How old are you?” He had to find other reasons to tell her why he couldn’t.

“17.” She stood proud.

“Again, a reason I can’t take it. You are way too young.”

“I don’t care. It doesn’t matter to me.” She was trying her hardest to convince him.

“Sorry, but I can't risk going to jail for calling a minor because her parents get the wrong idea.” William was doing his best to not just walk away and blow her off. He wasn’t that mean.

“But I don’t care. I’ll tell my parents I love you, I’ll do whatever it takes to be with you.” That was it, William couldn’t take it anymore.

“Never going to work.” She looked at him, still confused. She was about to say something more but he stopped her. “I don’t like girls like that.” She cocked her head to the side trying to figure out what he meant. “I’m gay, I like guys. One in particular.”

“What? Who?” She wasn’t smiling anymore. “How long has this been going on?”

“Who doesn’t matter. And what do you mean how long has this been going on?” He could see the others fighting even harder now to contain their laughter. William didn't find it that funny. He had been trying hard to keep his sexuality hidden, it wasn't something everyone needed to know, but it was obvious that she wasn't going to back off if he didn't give her a legitimate reason.

“Being gay.” She stated matter of factly.

“Have you ever seen me with a girl – anywhere?” She looked like she was thinking hard, going back through everything she could remember and picture in her mind. “Exactly.” He gave her a small smile and walked out with his friends who burst into full on hysterics the moment the door shut behind them. He started laughing too when they started recounting the events, the things she said, trying to imitate a Beckett fangirl.

The five of them continued down the street, the only sound between them being the occasional burst of laughter upon thinking back to what had happened to their lead singer. They decided to go to the mall and walk around since it was still cold outside and they had nothing else to do. Sisky hailed a cab and when a van pulled up in front of them they all piled in.

After the short ride to the mall, they all clambered out onto the sidewalk. They made it inside and immediately enjoyed the feeling of the warmth. Sisky and Chizzy wanted to go to the music store while Butcher and Mike wanted to go to Game Stop. William had no real preference, he was still distracted and had no interest in buying anything. He was just going along to spend some time with friends. Sisky and Chizzy pulled him along with them as they all decided on the music store first.

He walked into the shop right behind his friends. They all went their separate ways, Sisky to the bass guitars and Chizzy to the electric guitars and the pedals. William wandered over to the acoustic guitars. He zoned out staring at them for a while, until a voice pulled him out of his head.

“Ready?” Sisky asked after walking up to William.

“Yeah.” William turned and followed his friends out of the store. He hoped they didn't notice how little he was contributing to the conversation. William was not typically very loud, that honor went to Sisky, but he had been talking even less than usual.

They were headed to the food court when they were stopped by a group of three girls. The girls looked to be only around 15, and the excited looks on their faces said everything. They were looking at the group as if it was Christmas morning and the band members were their presents.

The girls all suddenly seemed to have found their voices at once and bombarded the group with questions of, “can I have your autograph, can I have a picture?” There were many repeats of “OMG, I love you so much,” nearly screamed at them. The guys all smiled and shrugged at each other. They were getting used to reactions like that. One of the girls handed a camera to her mother and the girls all scrambled to stand next to someone for the picture. William nearly cringed when one stood next to him and put her arm around his waist. The girl’s mother took two pictures in case one turned out better than the other.

While the pictures were being taken the other girls’ mothers were looking in their purses for some paper and pens for the autographs. The girls all reached greedily towards their mothers and snatched the findings out of their hands and quickly raced back to the five guys. The girls’ hands were shaking as they held out the pieces of paper, unable to hide their excitement still. The one mother that had the camera continued to take pictures.

“Come on you lovely ladies, get a picture with us,” Butcher said to the mothers once the girls got what they had wanted. Their daughters pushed them forward and took several pictures again only this time of the guys with their mothers. Every one of them had a big smile on their faces. When they were finished the guys went on their way.

Later on that day after leaving the mall, they rode back to William’s apartment complex and went inside. Sisky and Mike left to go buy some beer since their friend didn’t have any (a fact which they found tragic, but thankfully they didn't question it). William sat down in a chair as Chizzy sat in the other chair and Butcher sat on the empty couch, 'keeping it warm for Sisky and Mike' as he had said

Butcher went through the list of movies playing on HBO and stopped at one they had all wanted to see while they had been back on tour. It was starting in about fifteen minutes and he hoped the two would be back before then. They walked back into the apartment with about a minute to spare and sat down setting a 6 pack on the coffee table and another 12 pack in the refrigerator. Everyone grabbed a beer except William, who was met with incredulous stares.

“Hey, I vowed to never drink again after my hangover last time,” he clarified to the others. They all snickered and shook their heads, wondering how long this was going to last. It wasn’t the first time that William had made that vow only to break it not long after.

They all sat in silence throughout the entire movie, the only sound being that of another beer being opened. By the end all 18 beers had been drank between only 4 of them, which wasn't that surprising. On the road alcohol was one of the major food groups. The topic of food came up again, which made William's stomach ache. The other members of the band argued until it was decided that they'd order Chinese takeout.

Mike answered the door for the food and paid the delivery boy then set the food on the table in the kitchen. He opened the cupboard and took out plates, there were only 4. He looked puzzled and turned toward William whom he could see from the doorway into the living room.

“Hey man, you only have 4 plates,” he called.

“I know, the others broke,” William answered. At least it wasn't another lie; technically they had broken. “I’m not hungry right now anyway,” William added before someone could opt out of eating on a plate and just eat from a container.

“Whatever man.” The others got up and helped themselves to the food. William stayed sitting in the chair, pulling his knees up to his chest and hugging his legs tightly. He wasn’t going to eat this time, he knew they'd start asking more questions if he got sick again and he didn't want to deal with that. His stomach barely let him know anymore if it wanted to be fed. When it gave a silent rumble he sighed and put his head down on his knees.

“You alright Bill?” Sisky asked around a mouth full of food.

“Yeah, just tired. I think I’m going to take a shower then go to bed.” William answered before getting up. He didn't want to ditch them, but he was exhausted. He was sure they'd understand how that felt.

He went into his bedroom and grabbed a shirt and flannel pants as his stomach slightly protested again. After he had his clothes in his hand he went into the bathroom and locked the door. He could hear the others talking and laughing not far away. He sunk down to his knees and reached into the cabinet for what he knew was always there. Holding it in his hand, he looked at it longingly before placing it on the countertop to remove his clothes. He held it tightly in his left hand and closed his eyes taking a deep breath as his stomach gurgled. Opening his eyes he had the broken plate pressed to his skin and within the blink of an eye the edge was running along his skin leaving a red mark. The action was repeated until it bled again and again.

Once he placed his piece of soul back into its hiding spot, he started the shower and stepped in, sucking in a breath as the water was just the other side of being too hot. His skin burned and reddened quickly. He held the freshly opened arm away from the spray of the water until his body was used to the heat then pulled his arm underneath the heat to wash away drying blood.

He stood underneath the hot water as he let it just wash away his feelings, the falling tears. He couldn’t help but think of what would happen when Gabe finally found out his secret. He didn’t want him to ever find out but he knew he would. He just hoped his world wouldn't come crashing down too soon. Every extra day was a gift. William figured Gabe would freak out, and that was putting it mildly. He’d be lucky to ever see Gabe again. Why would he want to be with someone so scared, so damaged such as himself when he could easily have someone a million times more perfect? Someone who he deserved and who deserved someone like him.

William knew in his head that he was destined to be alone. He didn’t deserve anyone and no one deserved to have to settle for someone like him. Why should someone settle for love? No one should have to accept that. Especially not Gabe. Gabe was a great guy. He was perfect in every way that William could think of. He was happy and didn’t need to be brought down by someone as imperfect as himself.

Turning the water off, William stepped out of the shower and towel dried himself, being careful to avoid the cuts on his arms as much as he could. He ruffled his hair and left it a mess after drying it. He didn’t care anymore what his hair looked like in the morning. It was going to be wet when he lied down for the night so why bother making it look good if it was just going to get messed up during the night. He slipped his clothes on and quietly made his way out of the bathroom, nearly sneaking past the others still in the living room having a good time, and into his bedroom.

He lied down in bed and curled up onto his side, tugging the blankets up tight around his shoulders and underneath his chin. He felt a shiver run through his body as he imagined the inevitable look on Gabe’s face when he finally found out. He roughly wiped away a stray tear as it slipped out of cried out eyes and dripped off the bridge of his nose before settling in and going to sleep and hoping not to have to face Gabe with the truth. He knew that last part wouldn’t happen; Gabe would be there when he woke up most likely. At least he knew he could count on that, Gabe was about as reliable as one could be when it came to dealing with someone he cared for, that someone being William.