Broken Minds

Friday morning came too quickly for William. He opened his eyes and stretched with a yawn, his joints cracking as he moved. Letting out a groan, he swung his feet off the bed and slowly stood up. When he stepped of his bedroom he peered into the living room. Everything was quiet and still. No one was there and the place was clean. Continuing into the kitchen he saw nothing. There was no evidence his band mates had even been there the day before. The dishes had been done and taken care of, the beer bottles thrown away as well as the food containers and the trash taken out. They had cleaned up after themselves, which William was very grateful for. He hadn't been looking forward to having to do that himself.

William stopped and stood at his door as he heard a familiar voice outside his door talking to someone. He slowly opened it and there stood Gabe on his phone talking in Spanish. He figured his friend was talking to his mother, hence the Spanish. Gabe saw him and smiled before saying goodbye and hanging up. He let himself in and hugged a tired and worn looking William.

“You doing alright?” Gabe asked as he pulled out of the hug.

“Yeah, I guess,” William sighed.

Gabe could tell William had a lot on his mind, a lot he wasn’t saying, but wasn’t going to push him right now. He led him over to the couch and they sat down. Gabe pulled William against him and let the boy curl up into his side. They settled on some movie that was playing and simply relaxed. William was relived when Gabe didn’t start asking questions right away. Honestly, he hoped he never would. It was wishful thinking.

Gabe had noticed William's weight loss. He could feel William’s ribs through his hoodie where his hand rested. He could always feel them because the boy never seemed to have an ounce of body fat but it seemed worse than usual. Gabe pushed it to the back of his mind, he wasn’t going to make any accusations and he wasn’t going to assume anything either.

The movie ended and Gabe got up. He made his way into the kitchen and fixed himself some lunch. “Want anything while I’m here?” he questioned, poking his head around the corner. William shook his head no. Shrugging, Gabe went back to fixing his food. The way he saw it, William was grown and he’d eat when he was hungry, he wouldn’t starve himself.

Gabe sat back down on the couch next to William and started eating his salad. William looked over at him eating with a sad smile. Gabe couldn’t figure out why he looked so depressed. He frowned slightly when William got up and went into the bathroom quickly.

William stood, holding the edge of the countertop tightly. He looked through his hair into his reflection staring back at him. He wished his reflection would just punch him out like in the video of “We’ve got a Big Mess on our Hands” but that wouldn’t happen. Once again it was only wishful thinking. He blindly reached for the glass and pulled his sleeve up on his left arm and reopened what had been healing. He thought he heard Gabe get up and head over towards the door and he was confirmed in what he thought when a soft knock sounded.

“Bilvy you alright?” Gabe’s voice was quiet and concerned. “Bilvy?” he tried again when he hadn’t received an answer. Gabe knocked again. “Bilvy, you’re scaring me. Please answer.” Gabe was starting to sound desperate. “You okay?”

William was brought out of his trance by another knock from Gabe and heard the desperation in his voice as he said his name again. “Ye-yeah. I’m fine,” William stammered. He knew his voice didn’t convey what his words did but he couldn’t help it. There was blood dripping off his arm into the sink, and his best friend was outside the door frightened. He was handling it in the only way he knew how.

He wiped at his arm, smearing the crimson as a couple tears fell from his eyes. He was afraid of Gabe and what would happen if he only knew what William was up to.. He heard Gabe sigh and leave his place next to the door. When he did, William rinsed his arm and then the sink. He closed his eyes as the cold water ran over the open skin washing away his sin. He took a little extra time to compose himself after his arm wasn’t oozing anymore. He didn't want to seem upset, he knew Gabe would start asking questions if it was too obvious. William stood clutching the edge of the sink tightly, holding himself up as his legs and body wanted to fail him. He had to steady the shaking before facing Gabe again. Once he was ready he made his way back to the couch and sat down near Gabe but not right up against him. He left about two feet between them and Gabe only glanced at him, worry written on his face.

“Bilvy?” Gabe started after a few minutes of silence between them, the only sound being the soft murmurs on the screen. William glanced at him then back quickly towards the television. Gabe moved closer, the gap between them disappearing. “You alright?” Gabe was staring at William now.

“Ye-yes.” William answered, then mentally cursed himself for the stutter.

“Are you sure? You don’t look it.” Gabe truly sounded worried. The empathy in his voice was genuine.

“No, but I’m not ready to talk about it,” William finally admitted.

“You know I’ll always be here when you need me, right?” Gabe reached over and wrapped his arm around his friend, pulling him for a hug. William leaned into the embrace and felt tears sting the back of his eyes. Gabe heard the shaky breath and hugged the boy tighter.

When they pulled apart, William curled up onto the couch. They just got settled in to watch another movie when Gabe’s phone rang. Gabe got up and went to the next room to answer it so that the call wouldn't interrupt the movie. William couldn’t figure out who Gabe was talking to from the snippets of conversation he overheard. However, whoever it was, Gabe was telling that person he wasn’t leaving; he was staying with someone who needed him more. It made William’s heart melt. He couldn’t believe Gabe cared that much for him and he was beyond thankful for Gabe’s actions. Honestly, he had no idea what would happen if Gabe left again after just arriving. He knew he needed Gabe, even if he wasn't at the point where he could say it out loud yet. He just needed someone there incase the urge struck him, he wanted someone there whom he trusted. Someone he hoped wouldn’t judge him for his actions. Someone that would more than likely stick around after finding out his secret and not leave him high and dry. Leave him out to hang.

Gabe resumed his place on the couch without another word, and let William curl back up into him. They stayed on the couch watching movie after movie. Night came down fast before they moved again. The only light was that of the television screen when Gabe got up to turn on a dim light. Gabe couldn't stay still much longer, he was getting hungry again and William had yet to eat.

“You hungry yet?” Gabe questioned the boy beside him quietly. He looked about ready to fall asleep.

“Uh-uh,” was all the response he received. Gabe sighed and nudged William with his shoulder causing him to sit up and look beside him. “What?”

“You seriously aren’t hungry? You haven’t eaten all day. I did earlier and I’m starving again.” Gabe announced.

“I'm not hungry," William repeated, his tone more strong and serious. He didn't want to be questioned anymore. William turned his attention away from Gabe, staring hard at the television screen.

“I’m ordering pizza and you had better damn well eat some. I don’t like you not eating all day, especially if you’re not sick.” Gabe all but demanded.

William opened his mouth and was about to argue, but thought better of it. He didn’t want to deal with a confrontation with Gabe. He knew Gabe was only trying to help. With an inward groan he agreed so that Gabe would keep quiet.

The pizza arrived nearly 45 minutes later. Gabe paid, and then set it on the coffee table in front of them before heading over to the kitchen. He came waltzing back in a few moments later, holding paper plates and a couple glasses of soda. Right away Gabe started to chow down on his food. William, on the other hand, stared down his food, trying to think of a way out of eating and coming up empty handed. It was just the two of them, William couldn't fake it, Gabe would notice immediately. Slowly he brought the slice up to his mouth and took a bite. The taste felt foreign to his tastebuds, and he chewed at an agonizingly slow pace before swallowing. He managed to get the entire slice down, but not without getting that awful sick feeling at this pit of his stomach. The organ groaned and flip-flopped, unsettling the boy. He wasn’t sure how long he could last. He was trying to hold out but knew it would only be a matter of time.

He managed to hold out until Gabe had finished his third slice. William had still only managed to down the one, but he couldn't take it anymore. He got up quickly and ran toward the bathroom, his hand over his mouth. He got in and could feel the bile at the back of his throat as he shut the door. He fell to his knees quickly as his stomach lurched again. He didn’t hear the bathroom door open, or see Gabe walk in.

William jumped slightly between bouts of puking when a hand was placed on his back. He tensed immediately, knowing exactly who it was. William reached up to flush the toilet, but was beaten to it. He could feel Gabe rubbing soothing circles on his back as tears stung his eyes. He was trying to will his stomach to settle down. He knew how he must've looked, so weak, so pitiful.

Gabe got up and got a washcloth from the cupboard and dampened it. He made his way back over to the boy kneeling on the floor and placed it on the back of his hot neck. At that moment his stomach churned again, resulting in the owner dry heaving for several minutes before finally settling down.

William sat back against the wall and closed his eyes. He didn't want to see the way Gabe was looking at him. He was just trying to calm his breathing, slow it back down to its normal pace. He could tell Gabe was sitting on the floor next to him not saying a word. However, he knew it would come. He'd get a speech or a lecture or questions that he couldn't answer. It was inevitable.

Neither of them knew how long they sat in silence on the hard tile floor of William’s bathroom before Gabe finally stood up. He laughed as he rubbed his ass. “It’s numb,” he declared, earning a slight smile from the other boy still sitting there. He held out his hand to help the younger man up, which William took gratefully. As Gabe pulled William to his feet, he realized there was hardly any weight to lift.

William’s body started to tremble as he was led into his bedroom. He had no idea what exactly was going to happen, but had a fairly good idea it would involve Gabe asking questions. The tremors didn’t go unnoticed by Gabe either; he could feel the tension in William’s hand that he held on to tightly while leading him over to the bed.

Once William was sitting on the bed, up against the headboard, Gabe sat down on the end facing him. William felt exposed and pulled his legs up tight to his chest hugging them. He just wanted to disappear. He looked down to his knees, unwilling to look Gabe directly in the eyes. He could feel Gabe’s eyes boring into him, trying to find the truth without words. His mind was racing with questions to ask and he had no idea where to start. He had his suspicions; he only hoped they were wrong.

Gabe got up briefly to turn the lamp on beside the bed so they weren’t sitting in total darkness. He wanted to see the boy before him. He knew he couldn't trust William's words, he'd have to try his best to read William's face. He sat back down, one leg tucked up in front of him and the other hanging off the side of the bed. Looking at the scared man before him he realized how much he looked like a young child, scared to death of being scolded by his parents for doing something wrong even if it wasn’t.

He took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his short hair. He had to do this, it was now or never. William needed him, he was hiding something. Gabe could tell. Now was his chance to find out. If he chickened out then he couldn’t help the man he loved. He knew they’d both lose then. Neither of them, especially William, could afford for that to happen.

Gabe scooted just a tiny bit closer to the boy who looked so frightened. He reached out and gently placed his hand on William’s arms that remained folded, hugging his legs tight to his lanky body. William didn’t look up, but Gabe could tell his breathing had quickened slightly. He could hear the quick puffs of air as it left his lungs and see his shoulders, his body move with the force of the air he was breathing. He moved his hand and ran it through the other’s hair, pushing it back from his hidden face and leaned in just enough to try to see his sad face. William lifted his head slightly into the touch, keeping his eyes closed. William still didn't want to see.

“Bilvy, open your eyes. Look at me please,” Gabe tried softly, begging, pleading with him to look, to see into his eyes. William only shook his head. “What is going on with you?”

“Nothing,” came a soft response. “Nothing.”

“I’m not leaving until I find out. Bilvy. Please? Talk to me.” Gabe was starting to sound desperate. “You don’t eat all day and when you finally do you go rushing to the bathroom to throw it all up.” Gabe paused. “No offense, but that’s not normal. Something is going on and I want to know what.”

“Gabe, please.” William locked eyes with Gabe at that moment and that was when Gabe saw it. A tear fell from that sad frightened face. He saw his answer in the hollow of the boy’s cheeks. Gabe’s heart started to break.

“How long has this been going on?” Gabe questioned suddenly, trying to hold back the hurt, the tears threatening his own eyes.

“I don’t know,” William nearly whispered. “A little while.” He hastily wiped at the stray tear running down his pale skin leaving a trail of wetness kissing his cheek.

“When did it start? What caused this Bilvy?” Gabe wanted straight answers and so far William’s weren’t cutting it.

“After Zach,” William finally said, his voice breaking. He looked down at his knees once more, resting his head on them again.

“Why? What did he do that was so bad?” Gabe heard about Zach and how he left William and no one knew why. He knew William was really into him the short time they were together. He wasn’t receiving an answer so he moved closer still and placed a hand on William’s head and leaned in close. “Why?” he whispered into the other’s ear. He felt William shake as he gave a shuttering breath trying to control the tears he was failing to hide.

“He told me I was fat,” came an almost inaudible answer.

“What?” Gabe nearly fell off the bed in shock at that. Someone thought William was fat? Ludicrous. “You’re not fat Bill. Never have been. You were perfect. You are perfect.”

“He proved it.” He looked up at Gabe again, determination in his eyes. “He proved it Gabe. He showed me just how fat I was.” His voice was starting to rise beyond the cracking of the tears. “He stood behind me and showed me.” With that William stood briefly and held up his shirt and pinched his stomach like Zach had, showing Gabe what the man had done. “He showed me.” William’s voice got soft again on those last words. Gabe wondered if he was still trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince Gabe. Gabe would never believe it anyway, he knew William too well.

“Why did he break up with you? What did he say?” Gabe wanted to know the real reason. It couldn't be that William was fat. There was no way.

“No,” William nearly pleaded. He didn’t want to say. He knew Gabe wasn’t going to back down. When all Gabe did was look at him sadness in his eyes, he broke down, dropping back onto the bed. “He told me I was disgusting and couldn’t be with someone as fat as me.”

Gabe pulled the boy closer and wrapped his arms tightly around the thin frame. He could feel bones in his back that he shouldn’t have been able to so easily. He allowed William to lie his head on his lap and he carded his fingers through his hair as he wept soaking tears into his jeans. Gabe’s heart ached as he cried for the boy laying on him, needing him.

Once the tears stopped, Gabe had William move under the covers, still fully dressed. He turned everything off in the rest of the apartment and made sure the door was locked. He went back into the bedroom and joined the hurting boy in bed and wrapped his arm around him holding him close as they both finally, drained entirely from the emotions, fell asleep.

William awoke with a start, feeling Gabe’s arm over him still. He looked over at the clock on the nighstand. The time was illuminated in a hazy glow. It read 3:58. He yawned and carefully maneuvered himself out of Gabe’s grasp and made his way out of the bedroom. He wished the events earlier hadn’t happened, that they were just a dream. He knew better though, Gabe had to know and he finally did. Well, he knew most of it at least. He could still taste the aftertaste of the pizza in his mouth. Gabe had interrupted him, he hadn't had time to rinse his mouth out. Too much had happened. He made his way into the bathroom and blinded himself when he flipped the light switch. He stood there bracing himself against the sink with his eyes closed until he could open them to adjust the harsh light.

Once he could see again he pulled his sleeves up and got out his tooth brush and viciously tried to erase the god awful taste from his mouth. Once he was satisfied with the results, he stood looking at himself in the reflective glass. He sighed and without second thought dug out his shard of glass and started marking his arms again. He wasn’t thinking of eating at the time but did it more because he hadn’t had the chance to earlier. The stress was getting to him, eating away at his thoughts.

Crimson dripped a few times from the openness of his arm before he washed it away. William then stood once again after placing it back in its safe place and held onto the edge of the sink. He looked at himself closely pulling his shirt up. He still looked fat. He pinched at his stomach, but had a hard time gripping the same amount he had the first time. He wondered how Zach and managed to grab so much. The difference pleased him a little, but not enough to make the guilt and disgust disappear. He pulled his sleeves down and made his way quietly back to bed. Gabe had turned in his sleep so he didn’t have to worry about trying not to lie on his arm that had been in his place when he had gotten up. It didn’t take more than fifteen minutes for him to get back to sleep.

The sun was streaming in through the slits in the blinds by the time he woke up again. Warm sun rays danced across his body on the bed. He looked at the clock first thing and noticed it was nearly ten. Stretching and yawning he rolled onto his back and it was then he realized Gabe wasn’t beside him anymore. Lazily getting up, he made his way into the kitchen where he found Gabe sitting at the table eating a slice of toast.

“Morning sleepyhead,” Gabe said between bites of his food.

“Morning.” William’s voice was still raspy, filled with sleep from just waking up. He winced at the sound of his own voice. Gabe could only smirk.

He got up to get himself another cup of coffee as William sat down at the table. Gabe turned around to look at the man sitting there. He looked too thin and it was then he wondered how he hadn’t noticed before.

“Want anything?” Gabe asked cautiously.

“No thanks, I’m good.” William tried to stifle a yawn.

“Nothing?” Gabe received a shake of the head. “Too bad, because I’m making you a slice of toast.” William turned his head quickly and glared at the other man. “It’s only toast.”

“I don’t know if I can.” William’s voice was quiet.

“Just try,” Gabe pleaded. “For me.” He set the toasted bread in front of William and then sat down himself. “You won’t get better if you don’t try.”

William felt uncomfortable sitting there with a piece of toast in front of himself, too afraid to eat it. He was afraid of what would happen if he couldn’t manage to keep that down. Not to mention, Gabe sitting there waiting, watching intensely. It was too much pressure William knew it wouldn’t sit heavy like the pizza did, but was still not willing to try it. Several minutes passed and he finally picked it up and took a small bite, earning him a small smile from Gabe. It took a lot longer than it should have for him to finish off the bread, but he did. As he was chewing the last bite he sat back against his chair to wait. His stomach wasn't growling at him as much as it would have if he hadn't eaten anything at all, and he wasn't feeling too sick.

William stayed sitting there with Gabe’s eyes on him for another ten minutes after finishing. He was fighting his mind on what to do. Should he just stay sitting there or should he rid himself of the food? He wanted to stay for Gabe’s sake. Yet, his mind was screaming for him to go to the bathroom. His stomach was telling him to eat more. William was being pulled in too many directions.

He had no idea how long he sat there, fighting his mind. Suddenly, he got up and made his way to the bathroom without a word. He went in and locked the door and stood there looking in the mirror at his reflection. His skin was pale. He then without thinking dropped down to his knees in front of the toilet and shoved his fingers down his throat, bringing back up the only nourishment his body could handle.

“Bilvy?” Gabe asked, nearly pounding on the door. “What’s going on? You alright?”

William could feel the tears sting his eyes. “Ye-yeah. I’m fine.” He stood up and made his way back over to the sink and grabbed what he knew was there. “I’m going to take a shower,” he called out as he held the glass in his hand.

“You sure you’re alright though?” Gabe truly sounded worried.

“Yes Gabe,” he answered.

“I’m going out for a minute,” Gabe told him.

“Okay.” After that he could hear Gabe’s footsteps retreat away from the door. He pulled his shirt off and looked down at his arms. With a deep breath ,he grabbed hold of the reason for the scars and scratches and added to both arms. He didn’t want his stomach to tell him to put anything more in it. He figured this was the only way to stop the voice inside his head telling him to do what his stomach wanted. It would only lead to more trouble if he listened.

After replacing the piece of glass, he turned around and started the shower. He adjusted the water temperature so that it was on the hot side. When he stepped into the stream of water he sucked in a quick breath at the heat. Carefully he washed his hair, knowing the shampoo would sting more than the soap on the cuts scattered on his arms. He wasn’t as cautious when he washed his body; he rather enjoyed the burn of the soap then. He shut the water off and dried himself.

He hadn’t heard Gabe come back and listening at the door he couldn’t hear anything. William figured Gabe was still gone doing whatever it was he was going to do. He realized he hadn’t brought any clothes in with him. He quietly cursed himself for deciding so rashly to shower. He wrapped his towel around his waist and opened the door a crack. He listened ever so vigilantly for any sign Gabe was in his apartment. His ears were met with silence.

Slowly William took a step out of the bathroom and then quickly paced his steps to his room. He opened the door and stepped in. His eyes about popped out of his head. There stood before him none other than Gabe. He stopped breathing, he couldn’t think. It was then he saw Gabe’s eyes look him over and stop at his arms. He realized too late that they weren’t hidden. Gabe’s jaw dropped and a look of pure hurt washed over his features.