Porcelain Polaroids
Porcelain Girl
“Frankie!” you yelled. I looked over my shoulder to see you fast approaching me. I smiled as you wrapped your thin arms around my frame. I embraced you as well, and soon enough, you let go to look at me with your radiance.
But something was different about you. You were paler than usual, and not as bright. If I hadn’t known you for over a year, I would have mistaken you for a ghost. “Sakura,” I started, “Are you feeling all right?”
“What?” you asked, bringing your frail fingers to your cheeks. I’d noticed you were beginning to thin out too. Now, I could see your ribs through your thin shirt, and every vein popped out with its constant blue. “Oh yeah. I’m fine.”
“Are you sure?” I asked. You nodded and smiled. Your eyes shone with the same radiance as your almost white skin and smile. “Okay.” I smiled back at you, knowing that you weren’t okay. Then, you took my hand and lead me to our regular spot by the windows.
“How are you doing with your part?” you asked. I told you it was going well. Ever since I had entered the camp and moved to New York, all you cared about was me. It was always about my role, my house, my everything. Never once did you bring up how you were doing with your character. It worried me sometimes when you put others before yourself, but I could never be worried long, because I knew I did the same.
Suddenly, you stopped, about twenty feet from the cafeteria entrance. Your breathing got shallow and your grip on my hand loosened. “Sakura?” I asked. You turned even whiter and your eyes glazed into a glassy green. You touched your hand to your heart.
“Frankie...” you breathed, then suddenly tumbled to the tile below. it all happened fast after that. i remember screaming and rushing down to help you. You wouldn’t wake up when I tried to help you onto my lap. Your body was limp, but you were breathing. Councilors rushed to us left and right, trying to pull me away. I yelled and pushed my way to you every time.
They tried to take you to the hospital across the street, but the receptionist wouldn’t admit you, because of the rainbow necklace around your neck. I pleaded them to help you, but they sent us away to the hospital a mile or two down. I pushed my way into the ambulance they fetched us, and held your hand.
When we reached a room, they wouldn’t let me in at first. I remember sitting in the blue chair next to your door, looking around the hospital. Ever since my leukemia had gone, all thanks to the hope you gave me, I never thought I’d be in a hospital again. It was true that I wasn’t there for myself, but I was there for someone. I was there for you.
The thought of you in a hospital made me shiver, and the thought of doctors hurting you made it worse. This wasn’t helping my fears, but I looked past that, and hoped you would be okay.
I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
The doctor came out soon enough. I almost ran to him, seeking that you would be okay. The look on his face made me stop. i got up slowly and waited for him to tell me what was wrong and what was right.
“Mister Parker?” he asked. I nodded. He took a deep breath and put his hand on my shoulder. That almost gave me the que to cry, but I held back, still holding onto a little hope.
“Miss Yumi has been suffering stomach damage for a while,” he stated. I wondered what he was referring to, but the memories of you complaining of stomach aches recently and the sudden loss of weight flooded back instead. “Her stomach lining has been slowly deteriorating for what looks like a few years. This has caused her to start internally bleeding in too many spots. It doesn’t look self inflicted though. It’s a rare case.”
I gulped. “Will she be okay?”
The doctor sighed. “I’m sorry,” he said. He then opened the door to let me in. I walked inside, only to find you laying there, helpless, with tons of tubes and wires coming from your arms, heart, and stomach, and leading to machines. I almost wished then that you would die. I didn’t want to see you in so much pain.
And if you have to leave
wish that you would just leave
Cause you presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone.
The days went by, and there was no improvement. Your parents didn’t come, but only sent flowers. Jakob brought them, and begged me to come home. i wouldn’t I was going to stay with you until the very end.
Your director almost came, but got to upset. She asked me to come back to rehearsal once on the Monday following. I didn’t go, and she didn’t ask me again. I kept practicing my lines though, for you.
I put up a message on Mibba when I felt up to it, and within the days, the flowers began to collect on your dresser. Hundreds came, all from different places. Hell, even the admins sent them all the way from Croatia. It was nice to know people cared, and it almost broke my heart to have to think I had to tell them you weren’t going to get better.
These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just to real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase
I didn’t leave your side at all over the days. I stayed at your bedside, talking to you about my thoughts. I knew you weren’t going to answer back, but whenever I was practicing lines and messed up on pronunciation, I could almost hear your soft laughter, ringing in my ears like thousands of tiny violins.
When I didn’t practice lines, I read stories you’d written, but stopped when I realized one day that you would never get to finish them. I looked at polaroids we’d taken with my camera. The caring memories of us almost made me cry, but I restrained. I had to be brave for you. i held your hand tightly and never let go.
When you cried I’d wiped away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me.
For an hour every day, the doctors and nurses would check up on you. They’d put water into the IV pouch, but never food. Eventually, they just stopped checking all together. I knew you were getting worse by then, not only by that, but because you started to fade more. Your white skin became almost transparent, and I couldn’t see your persona shine through anymore.
The flowers began to collect more and more. Some came from campers, and more came from people across the countries, some I didn’t even think had known you. There were stories about you on Mibba now, and journals wishing you hope and happiness. One video from Kara made me tear up some. It was a shame you’d never get to meet these great people.
You used to captivate me
By your resinating light
Now I’m bound by the life you left behind.
One day, I remember waking up with a start. I had had a dream that you had finally died, and everyone’s reactions were in silent against a sad song. It made me ache all over and I finally let it all out. I cried my eyes out for a good two hours as I thought of you. It scared me that you were going to haunt me for the rest of your life.
But it also made me happy inside that I’d remember you forever, whether you were dead or alive. I thought of your reaction if I told you that. I could almost here you whisper to me, “It’s okay...”
Your face, it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
You voice, it chased away
All the sanity in me.
The doctor came again one day, with a big man with a tape measure. The man talked about whether to use black or white wood for your final resting place, and approached your still form with the tape measure. I yelled at him to leave you alone, and chased him and the doctor out of the room.
Everyone told me to give up, but I knew I couldn’t. I knew even if you did get better, you’d never be the same. But somehow, I still held on to that thing strand of hope that you’d given me. it got me through cancer, why can’t it get you through this?
These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase.
I couldn’t look away from the polaroids during those last few days of the week. I couldn’t stop thinking about all of the good times we had. You, helping me move into a good home. Me, meeting you and hearing you sing for the very first time. Us, going to rehearsals together. The future, of you walking down the aisle with a beautiful girl on your arm, and me babysitting a miniature you.
I thought of the bad times we had. You, after all the suffering, coming out to be gay. Me, having the courage to stand up for you when you were picked on. Us, comforting each other when we cried or had nightmares. The past, which was well behind us now.
Suddenly, I heard the heart monitor speed up. I dropped the polaroids and ran to your side.
When you cried I’d wiped away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me.
I held your hand, and for the first time, praying that this would pass. When the heart monitor stopped, I held your hand to my heart and took your pulse. Nothing. I searched for one for a while, and when there was no heartbeat to be found, I let out a loud cry.
No! You couldn’t be dead! I knew you’d always ha the chance of dying early, especially now. you said you’d never live long, but said you’d always try. I knew it wasn’t your fault you had died now, but I couldn’t accept the fact I would never hear you laugh, cry or beautiful voice again. It hurt too much.
But I knew I at least had those memories, and somehow, I still held on to the hope you’d given me this past year. I pulled your wrist closer to me and cried harder.
I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along.
I held you for a long time, never letting go. The doctors never came, for I think they already knew you were gone. I could almost feel the cry of the thousands of people you’ve helped, and all of the people you’ve touched. I lay my head down on the mattress and held your hand to my heart, kissing your fingers lightly.
At that moment, I felt like you hadn’t left yet. Somehow, I felt you with me. I knew that you’d be with me all of my life, although it wouldn’t be physical. That strand of hope was still in my grasp, and I knew I’d keep it forever. I’d keep it for you. For both of us.
And at that final moment before you were gone forever, hope helped us both for one last time.
When you cried I’d wiped away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me.
Your glorious eyes opened. . . .
But something was different about you. You were paler than usual, and not as bright. If I hadn’t known you for over a year, I would have mistaken you for a ghost. “Sakura,” I started, “Are you feeling all right?”
“What?” you asked, bringing your frail fingers to your cheeks. I’d noticed you were beginning to thin out too. Now, I could see your ribs through your thin shirt, and every vein popped out with its constant blue. “Oh yeah. I’m fine.”
“Are you sure?” I asked. You nodded and smiled. Your eyes shone with the same radiance as your almost white skin and smile. “Okay.” I smiled back at you, knowing that you weren’t okay. Then, you took my hand and lead me to our regular spot by the windows.
“How are you doing with your part?” you asked. I told you it was going well. Ever since I had entered the camp and moved to New York, all you cared about was me. It was always about my role, my house, my everything. Never once did you bring up how you were doing with your character. It worried me sometimes when you put others before yourself, but I could never be worried long, because I knew I did the same.
Suddenly, you stopped, about twenty feet from the cafeteria entrance. Your breathing got shallow and your grip on my hand loosened. “Sakura?” I asked. You turned even whiter and your eyes glazed into a glassy green. You touched your hand to your heart.
“Frankie...” you breathed, then suddenly tumbled to the tile below. it all happened fast after that. i remember screaming and rushing down to help you. You wouldn’t wake up when I tried to help you onto my lap. Your body was limp, but you were breathing. Councilors rushed to us left and right, trying to pull me away. I yelled and pushed my way to you every time.
They tried to take you to the hospital across the street, but the receptionist wouldn’t admit you, because of the rainbow necklace around your neck. I pleaded them to help you, but they sent us away to the hospital a mile or two down. I pushed my way into the ambulance they fetched us, and held your hand.
When we reached a room, they wouldn’t let me in at first. I remember sitting in the blue chair next to your door, looking around the hospital. Ever since my leukemia had gone, all thanks to the hope you gave me, I never thought I’d be in a hospital again. It was true that I wasn’t there for myself, but I was there for someone. I was there for you.
The thought of you in a hospital made me shiver, and the thought of doctors hurting you made it worse. This wasn’t helping my fears, but I looked past that, and hoped you would be okay.
I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
The doctor came out soon enough. I almost ran to him, seeking that you would be okay. The look on his face made me stop. i got up slowly and waited for him to tell me what was wrong and what was right.
“Mister Parker?” he asked. I nodded. He took a deep breath and put his hand on my shoulder. That almost gave me the que to cry, but I held back, still holding onto a little hope.
“Miss Yumi has been suffering stomach damage for a while,” he stated. I wondered what he was referring to, but the memories of you complaining of stomach aches recently and the sudden loss of weight flooded back instead. “Her stomach lining has been slowly deteriorating for what looks like a few years. This has caused her to start internally bleeding in too many spots. It doesn’t look self inflicted though. It’s a rare case.”
I gulped. “Will she be okay?”
The doctor sighed. “I’m sorry,” he said. He then opened the door to let me in. I walked inside, only to find you laying there, helpless, with tons of tubes and wires coming from your arms, heart, and stomach, and leading to machines. I almost wished then that you would die. I didn’t want to see you in so much pain.
And if you have to leave
wish that you would just leave
Cause you presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone.
The days went by, and there was no improvement. Your parents didn’t come, but only sent flowers. Jakob brought them, and begged me to come home. i wouldn’t I was going to stay with you until the very end.
Your director almost came, but got to upset. She asked me to come back to rehearsal once on the Monday following. I didn’t go, and she didn’t ask me again. I kept practicing my lines though, for you.
I put up a message on Mibba when I felt up to it, and within the days, the flowers began to collect on your dresser. Hundreds came, all from different places. Hell, even the admins sent them all the way from Croatia. It was nice to know people cared, and it almost broke my heart to have to think I had to tell them you weren’t going to get better.
These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just to real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase
I didn’t leave your side at all over the days. I stayed at your bedside, talking to you about my thoughts. I knew you weren’t going to answer back, but whenever I was practicing lines and messed up on pronunciation, I could almost hear your soft laughter, ringing in my ears like thousands of tiny violins.
When I didn’t practice lines, I read stories you’d written, but stopped when I realized one day that you would never get to finish them. I looked at polaroids we’d taken with my camera. The caring memories of us almost made me cry, but I restrained. I had to be brave for you. i held your hand tightly and never let go.
When you cried I’d wiped away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me.
For an hour every day, the doctors and nurses would check up on you. They’d put water into the IV pouch, but never food. Eventually, they just stopped checking all together. I knew you were getting worse by then, not only by that, but because you started to fade more. Your white skin became almost transparent, and I couldn’t see your persona shine through anymore.
The flowers began to collect more and more. Some came from campers, and more came from people across the countries, some I didn’t even think had known you. There were stories about you on Mibba now, and journals wishing you hope and happiness. One video from Kara made me tear up some. It was a shame you’d never get to meet these great people.
You used to captivate me
By your resinating light
Now I’m bound by the life you left behind.
One day, I remember waking up with a start. I had had a dream that you had finally died, and everyone’s reactions were in silent against a sad song. It made me ache all over and I finally let it all out. I cried my eyes out for a good two hours as I thought of you. It scared me that you were going to haunt me for the rest of your life.
But it also made me happy inside that I’d remember you forever, whether you were dead or alive. I thought of your reaction if I told you that. I could almost here you whisper to me, “It’s okay...”
Your face, it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
You voice, it chased away
All the sanity in me.
The doctor came again one day, with a big man with a tape measure. The man talked about whether to use black or white wood for your final resting place, and approached your still form with the tape measure. I yelled at him to leave you alone, and chased him and the doctor out of the room.
Everyone told me to give up, but I knew I couldn’t. I knew even if you did get better, you’d never be the same. But somehow, I still held on to that thing strand of hope that you’d given me. it got me through cancer, why can’t it get you through this?
These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase.
I couldn’t look away from the polaroids during those last few days of the week. I couldn’t stop thinking about all of the good times we had. You, helping me move into a good home. Me, meeting you and hearing you sing for the very first time. Us, going to rehearsals together. The future, of you walking down the aisle with a beautiful girl on your arm, and me babysitting a miniature you.
I thought of the bad times we had. You, after all the suffering, coming out to be gay. Me, having the courage to stand up for you when you were picked on. Us, comforting each other when we cried or had nightmares. The past, which was well behind us now.
Suddenly, I heard the heart monitor speed up. I dropped the polaroids and ran to your side.
When you cried I’d wiped away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me.
I held your hand, and for the first time, praying that this would pass. When the heart monitor stopped, I held your hand to my heart and took your pulse. Nothing. I searched for one for a while, and when there was no heartbeat to be found, I let out a loud cry.
No! You couldn’t be dead! I knew you’d always ha the chance of dying early, especially now. you said you’d never live long, but said you’d always try. I knew it wasn’t your fault you had died now, but I couldn’t accept the fact I would never hear you laugh, cry or beautiful voice again. It hurt too much.
But I knew I at least had those memories, and somehow, I still held on to the hope you’d given me this past year. I pulled your wrist closer to me and cried harder.
I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along.
I held you for a long time, never letting go. The doctors never came, for I think they already knew you were gone. I could almost feel the cry of the thousands of people you’ve helped, and all of the people you’ve touched. I lay my head down on the mattress and held your hand to my heart, kissing your fingers lightly.
At that moment, I felt like you hadn’t left yet. Somehow, I felt you with me. I knew that you’d be with me all of my life, although it wouldn’t be physical. That strand of hope was still in my grasp, and I knew I’d keep it forever. I’d keep it for you. For both of us.
And at that final moment before you were gone forever, hope helped us both for one last time.
When you cried I’d wiped away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me.
Your glorious eyes opened. . . .