Status: Stoked.
Give It to Me.
Love me cowardly.
I could hear my sneakers hitting the cement beneath my feet at such an angry pace. The winters in Arizona were always cold, but the cold air against my red pissed off face was the only thing keeping me from turning around and leaving Kennedy for good.
I knew I was just overly hurt and offended by the way he made walking me down the aisle sound. I had spent years trying to make everything we had work, loving him unconditionally. For him to make it sound so simple and business-like.
I finally reached my parent's house, feeling winded and emotional as I drug myself inside and locked the door behind me. I immediately took refuge in my parent's jacuzzi bathtub, the candles lit before I finally slid into the scalding water and let the tears pour from my eyes.
I jumped feeling a hand on my arm, seeing my mom sitting on the floor next to the bathtub. They had finally gotten home from their trip, at such convenient timing.
"What's wrong, honey?" She questioned me softly.
"Everything mama, we were supposed to get married in three weeks and it's all falling apart. He hates me, he hates himself, he hates life."
"Baby, he just needs you to stick by his side and show him there's a light at the end of this tunnel. He needs your guidance," She trailed off.
"Why does everyone keep making this seem like it's my fault?! I tried to be there for him! Do you know how difficult it is to feel so unloved and lonely?! He won't look at me, touch me, talk to me, have sex with me, anything!"
My mom flinched hearing the word 'sex' come from my mouth, as a 22 year old I guess she wasn't thinking we ever did that.
"I'm not saying it's your fault, but clearly his state of mind is really suffering right now, honey. And he needs his fiancee to keep reminding him that he's loved and he's worth the wait," She stroked my hair.
I sunk into the water and blew a ridiculous amount of bubbles before resurfacing and closing my eyes.
"I just want to know he still wants this. Today the way he talked about marrying me sounded so negative, like it was a chore to marry me. Like he didn't really in his heart want it," I felt my heart squeeze even thinking about the possibility of him not wanting me anymore.
"That's so far-fetched, you two have loved each other your entire lives, why would it be any different now? Because he can't walk for the next three walks?"
"Now you understand why I can't understand why this is all happening!"
"Have you asked him if there's anything else you should know?" She said quietly.
My head snapped up and towards her, my heart nearly flew out of my chest.
"Like another woman?"
"Like anything, Macy," She had such a calm demeanor, doing her best not to work me up.
"Mom, I can't-," My voice cracked.
"Better safe than sorry, sweetie," She looked at me sadly.
She stood and held out her bath robe, I slipped it over me and sat on the toilet. My mom combed through my wet hair, braiding it tightly and slipping a rubber-band on the end.
"Go get dressed, and I'll drive you over to the apartment, M&M," She kissed my temple softly.
I followed her instruction and got dressed, we drove over quietly. She had Fleetwood Mac playing softly, she was silently encouraging me. I couldn't even begin to sift through what could actually be happening. The one thought I had was: another woman. It had happened.
I had to drag myself into the apartment, hearing voices hush as I walked in. All I could think was, this was really happening, I wasn't imagining this. Kennedy was sitting at the kitchen table with a very red faced Jared.
I stood awkwardly and Jared excused himself out of the apartment with Tessa in tow.
"She's back isn't she?" I questioned.
"Who?"
"Gab-," I couldn't get her name out.
He looked down and I felt my throat give out, a sob escaping my lips.
"We were-," I felt my knees against the floor.
The hospital. Missouri. Our wedding plans. The engagement party. The babies. The plans.
"I have a son," I swear all the windows busted, a loud shatter blocking out all the noise around me.
I was out of breath, my stomach feeling like it was kicked in. I felt like I was internally bleeding, my body filling with bile and blood. A son? A child? I was practically delirious looking at him, my eyes spinning and my head was slow motion speeding.
I didn't know what to do, I couldn't force my legs to stand up. I couldn't speak, I couldn't feel anything. I finally stood, stumbling out of the apartment and down the path almost drunkenly. I was in shock. Jared rushed to me, Tessa behind him, he held me upright.
"M&M," I heard my mom's voice trying to console me.
"He has a son," I squeaked.
I couldn't remember anything else but the cracking of my head against the pavement and everyone freaking out. What the fuck was happening?
I knew I was just overly hurt and offended by the way he made walking me down the aisle sound. I had spent years trying to make everything we had work, loving him unconditionally. For him to make it sound so simple and business-like.
I finally reached my parent's house, feeling winded and emotional as I drug myself inside and locked the door behind me. I immediately took refuge in my parent's jacuzzi bathtub, the candles lit before I finally slid into the scalding water and let the tears pour from my eyes.
I jumped feeling a hand on my arm, seeing my mom sitting on the floor next to the bathtub. They had finally gotten home from their trip, at such convenient timing.
"What's wrong, honey?" She questioned me softly.
"Everything mama, we were supposed to get married in three weeks and it's all falling apart. He hates me, he hates himself, he hates life."
"Baby, he just needs you to stick by his side and show him there's a light at the end of this tunnel. He needs your guidance," She trailed off.
"Why does everyone keep making this seem like it's my fault?! I tried to be there for him! Do you know how difficult it is to feel so unloved and lonely?! He won't look at me, touch me, talk to me, have sex with me, anything!"
My mom flinched hearing the word 'sex' come from my mouth, as a 22 year old I guess she wasn't thinking we ever did that.
"I'm not saying it's your fault, but clearly his state of mind is really suffering right now, honey. And he needs his fiancee to keep reminding him that he's loved and he's worth the wait," She stroked my hair.
I sunk into the water and blew a ridiculous amount of bubbles before resurfacing and closing my eyes.
"I just want to know he still wants this. Today the way he talked about marrying me sounded so negative, like it was a chore to marry me. Like he didn't really in his heart want it," I felt my heart squeeze even thinking about the possibility of him not wanting me anymore.
"That's so far-fetched, you two have loved each other your entire lives, why would it be any different now? Because he can't walk for the next three walks?"
"Now you understand why I can't understand why this is all happening!"
"Have you asked him if there's anything else you should know?" She said quietly.
My head snapped up and towards her, my heart nearly flew out of my chest.
"Like another woman?"
"Like anything, Macy," She had such a calm demeanor, doing her best not to work me up.
"Mom, I can't-," My voice cracked.
"Better safe than sorry, sweetie," She looked at me sadly.
She stood and held out her bath robe, I slipped it over me and sat on the toilet. My mom combed through my wet hair, braiding it tightly and slipping a rubber-band on the end.
"Go get dressed, and I'll drive you over to the apartment, M&M," She kissed my temple softly.
I followed her instruction and got dressed, we drove over quietly. She had Fleetwood Mac playing softly, she was silently encouraging me. I couldn't even begin to sift through what could actually be happening. The one thought I had was: another woman. It had happened.
I had to drag myself into the apartment, hearing voices hush as I walked in. All I could think was, this was really happening, I wasn't imagining this. Kennedy was sitting at the kitchen table with a very red faced Jared.
I stood awkwardly and Jared excused himself out of the apartment with Tessa in tow.
"She's back isn't she?" I questioned.
"Who?"
"Gab-," I couldn't get her name out.
He looked down and I felt my throat give out, a sob escaping my lips.
"We were-," I felt my knees against the floor.
The hospital. Missouri. Our wedding plans. The engagement party. The babies. The plans.
"I have a son," I swear all the windows busted, a loud shatter blocking out all the noise around me.
I was out of breath, my stomach feeling like it was kicked in. I felt like I was internally bleeding, my body filling with bile and blood. A son? A child? I was practically delirious looking at him, my eyes spinning and my head was slow motion speeding.
I didn't know what to do, I couldn't force my legs to stand up. I couldn't speak, I couldn't feel anything. I finally stood, stumbling out of the apartment and down the path almost drunkenly. I was in shock. Jared rushed to me, Tessa behind him, he held me upright.
"M&M," I heard my mom's voice trying to console me.
"He has a son," I squeaked.
I couldn't remember anything else but the cracking of my head against the pavement and everyone freaking out. What the fuck was happening?