Status: Stoked.
Give It to Me.
Don't come back, don't come around my way.
The bright fluorescent lights pulled me out of the blackness, seeing my mom's stressed worried face standing next to my burly dad who was so concentrated on what the doctor was saying to them made me panic slightly. I looked around and down at my hospital gown before realizing I was in the emergency room, and the headache racking my head was obviously from something I didn't want to remember.
My mom noticed my newly awakened state first, rushing over to me and stroking my arm gently. My dad followed behind her slowly, cautiously touching my shoulder and looking at me sadly. I didn't feel like saying much, all I could hear was Kennedy's new revelation playing over and over again inside my head. He had kid, that wasn't ours.
"How you feeling champ?" My dad questioned.
"Shitty," I said hoarsely.
"Well you hit your head pretty hard according to the doctor, you have a concussion."
I shrugged softly.
"But you get to go home," My mom added cheerily.
Home to where? Kennedy and I's bedroom full of lies and secrets? I kept my silence and nodded softly. I was discharged before a full 24 hours had approached. I could feel the sharp pain in my head as I felt my moms supportive hand against my lower back guiding me up to the front door of the apartment. I was simply getting my shit and going to my parents. I didn't want to hear anymore from Kennedy, I didn't want to be reminded that a moment I was supposed to share with him was taken from me. I deserved to have that first with him.
Jared and Tessa stared at me through sad eyes as I shut the front door behind me. My head was buzzing hearing my mom and Jared exchange salutations. I didn't even bother looking at Kennedy as I began to empty my dresser and side of the closet into my suitcase. I tucked every pair of shoes I owned into a separate suitcase and began grabbing everything that belonged to me packing it away.
I could feel his stare on me, I could see the sadness in his eyes and his mouth hanging slightly open as if there was something he wanted to say. Truth be told there was not one word he could say that would make me stay. I was good at running away, I always had been and always would be. I finally let my eyes meet his and my right hand grasped the ring around my left ring finger, keeping our eyes locked as I set the ring onto the nightstand and turned toward the bedroom door, my suitcases in tow.
I had officially given up. I had given up on our relationship, our marriage, our friendship, our future. I could see passed a lot of things but I refused to see passed this situation. I didn't want to give up what I had worked so hard on, by no means, but keeping something that huge hidden from me for so long would never sit well with me.
"Give him a chance," Jared said sadly to me.
"Don't start with me," I said softly.
"You don't know the whole situation," He tried to reason with me.
"I know he kept this from me. Unless his kid is over 6 years old, we have another problem on hand. There's no way for this all to work now, Jare," My breath was caught in the lump in my throat.
I cleared my throat and swallowed the lump, taking a deep breath.
"You're calling it quits forever?" Tessa questioned.
"There's nothing left for me to do," I said desperately.
"You have to at least hear what he has to say!" She was nearly as desperate as I was.
"You were with John," I heard his coarse voice speak from his wheelchair in the entryway.
"That's your excuse?"
"Not an excuse, my son is 3 years old," I could feel the slice in my heart burn hearing him address the boy as his son.
"How long have you known this?" I snapped, seeing everyone leave the apartment.
"It's been about 5 months now," He spoke honestly.
"And you waited until shit hit the fan to break this news to me?"
"I almost died, you were so overwhelmingly happy, we were going to get married, there was no way I could shatter this all for you. I did the only thing I could, push you as far away as I could, yet something in me still couldn't let me do that. I still had to hold on, and after so long, it was eating away at me."
I was silent, there was nothing either of us could say to soothe the other.
"I knew that was something you've wanted forever for us. A family. A marriage. A huge house," His head hung low, "and I fucking failed you in every aspect of that."
I kept silent staring at him intently.
"I love you, you know I do. And if you need time, I understand. I know fucked up, I know you're very angry, hurt, upset. I want you to be my wife, and I want us to have a family, Macy. You know I want forever with you and our future kids. But I also just have a little boy who is finally getting a daddy. Gabby is the furthest thing from my mind, you are my entire life. Please understand where I'm coming from," He reached for my hand.
I didn't snatch it away, feeling his cold skin against my angry red skin was so refreshing. I loved him so much it hurt me, I didn't want to walk away from him. I also selfishly couldn't find the space in my heart to share him with a child that wasn't ours. All the hesitation, all the cold shouldered feelings he'd been sending my way since he got home were all about this child. Whom I was trying my hardest not to completely hate, because it wasn't fair to a helpless three year old. I took a deep breath and pulled my hand softly from Kennedy's, I needed to get away from all this.
"Mace-" I ended the conversation by walking out of the apartment.
I was done. Whether that meant temporarily or permanently, I was still massaging out those knots in my neck. I loaded my shit into my mom's car and waited for her to come down. Minutes later Jared emerged on the walkway and sat in the driver's seat. The spring heat was already making it's way through the air, making my legs stick to the leather seats of my mom's car.
"You need to understand that it's not his fault, and you can't blame him for getting her pregnant when you were doing the same shit with John," He spoke the truth.
"I'm not ready to face this," I could feel the tears in the back of my eyes.
"That's fine, but you can't wash your hands with the situation. Or him," He looked at me seriously.
I nodded softly and he grabbed my hand, "I know this is tearing you apart, but he's waiting for you guys to have a marriage and family of your own. You need to believe that. He loves you so very much."
"I know," I whispered, my voice cracking.
He didn't say anything else to upset me further but my mom replaced his position. She didn't try to tell me what I should or shouldn't do, she just held my hand as I cried. She understood what I felt like, because as a mom she felt all my pain when I felt it. My dad was furious finding out, seeing me upset made him even more angry. But after a couple hours of anger he understood both sides of the situation. He always coached me through my relationship with Kennedy, he always knew the right thing to do. And this one time, he sided with Kennedy and Jared.
My mom noticed my newly awakened state first, rushing over to me and stroking my arm gently. My dad followed behind her slowly, cautiously touching my shoulder and looking at me sadly. I didn't feel like saying much, all I could hear was Kennedy's new revelation playing over and over again inside my head. He had kid, that wasn't ours.
"How you feeling champ?" My dad questioned.
"Shitty," I said hoarsely.
"Well you hit your head pretty hard according to the doctor, you have a concussion."
I shrugged softly.
"But you get to go home," My mom added cheerily.
Home to where? Kennedy and I's bedroom full of lies and secrets? I kept my silence and nodded softly. I was discharged before a full 24 hours had approached. I could feel the sharp pain in my head as I felt my moms supportive hand against my lower back guiding me up to the front door of the apartment. I was simply getting my shit and going to my parents. I didn't want to hear anymore from Kennedy, I didn't want to be reminded that a moment I was supposed to share with him was taken from me. I deserved to have that first with him.
Jared and Tessa stared at me through sad eyes as I shut the front door behind me. My head was buzzing hearing my mom and Jared exchange salutations. I didn't even bother looking at Kennedy as I began to empty my dresser and side of the closet into my suitcase. I tucked every pair of shoes I owned into a separate suitcase and began grabbing everything that belonged to me packing it away.
I could feel his stare on me, I could see the sadness in his eyes and his mouth hanging slightly open as if there was something he wanted to say. Truth be told there was not one word he could say that would make me stay. I was good at running away, I always had been and always would be. I finally let my eyes meet his and my right hand grasped the ring around my left ring finger, keeping our eyes locked as I set the ring onto the nightstand and turned toward the bedroom door, my suitcases in tow.
I had officially given up. I had given up on our relationship, our marriage, our friendship, our future. I could see passed a lot of things but I refused to see passed this situation. I didn't want to give up what I had worked so hard on, by no means, but keeping something that huge hidden from me for so long would never sit well with me.
"Give him a chance," Jared said sadly to me.
"Don't start with me," I said softly.
"You don't know the whole situation," He tried to reason with me.
"I know he kept this from me. Unless his kid is over 6 years old, we have another problem on hand. There's no way for this all to work now, Jare," My breath was caught in the lump in my throat.
I cleared my throat and swallowed the lump, taking a deep breath.
"You're calling it quits forever?" Tessa questioned.
"There's nothing left for me to do," I said desperately.
"You have to at least hear what he has to say!" She was nearly as desperate as I was.
"You were with John," I heard his coarse voice speak from his wheelchair in the entryway.
"That's your excuse?"
"Not an excuse, my son is 3 years old," I could feel the slice in my heart burn hearing him address the boy as his son.
"How long have you known this?" I snapped, seeing everyone leave the apartment.
"It's been about 5 months now," He spoke honestly.
"And you waited until shit hit the fan to break this news to me?"
"I almost died, you were so overwhelmingly happy, we were going to get married, there was no way I could shatter this all for you. I did the only thing I could, push you as far away as I could, yet something in me still couldn't let me do that. I still had to hold on, and after so long, it was eating away at me."
I was silent, there was nothing either of us could say to soothe the other.
"I knew that was something you've wanted forever for us. A family. A marriage. A huge house," His head hung low, "and I fucking failed you in every aspect of that."
I kept silent staring at him intently.
"I love you, you know I do. And if you need time, I understand. I know fucked up, I know you're very angry, hurt, upset. I want you to be my wife, and I want us to have a family, Macy. You know I want forever with you and our future kids. But I also just have a little boy who is finally getting a daddy. Gabby is the furthest thing from my mind, you are my entire life. Please understand where I'm coming from," He reached for my hand.
I didn't snatch it away, feeling his cold skin against my angry red skin was so refreshing. I loved him so much it hurt me, I didn't want to walk away from him. I also selfishly couldn't find the space in my heart to share him with a child that wasn't ours. All the hesitation, all the cold shouldered feelings he'd been sending my way since he got home were all about this child. Whom I was trying my hardest not to completely hate, because it wasn't fair to a helpless three year old. I took a deep breath and pulled my hand softly from Kennedy's, I needed to get away from all this.
"Mace-" I ended the conversation by walking out of the apartment.
I was done. Whether that meant temporarily or permanently, I was still massaging out those knots in my neck. I loaded my shit into my mom's car and waited for her to come down. Minutes later Jared emerged on the walkway and sat in the driver's seat. The spring heat was already making it's way through the air, making my legs stick to the leather seats of my mom's car.
"You need to understand that it's not his fault, and you can't blame him for getting her pregnant when you were doing the same shit with John," He spoke the truth.
"I'm not ready to face this," I could feel the tears in the back of my eyes.
"That's fine, but you can't wash your hands with the situation. Or him," He looked at me seriously.
I nodded softly and he grabbed my hand, "I know this is tearing you apart, but he's waiting for you guys to have a marriage and family of your own. You need to believe that. He loves you so very much."
"I know," I whispered, my voice cracking.
He didn't say anything else to upset me further but my mom replaced his position. She didn't try to tell me what I should or shouldn't do, she just held my hand as I cried. She understood what I felt like, because as a mom she felt all my pain when I felt it. My dad was furious finding out, seeing me upset made him even more angry. But after a couple hours of anger he understood both sides of the situation. He always coached me through my relationship with Kennedy, he always knew the right thing to do. And this one time, he sided with Kennedy and Jared.