Make You Feel My Love

“Have you seen my favorite black dress Ryan?” I asked pulling up my panty hose with trouble. Imagine Anne Hathaway in the Princess Diaries, that’s me. He was doing up his tie in the bathroom and he shrugged at me in the mirror. I sighed the panty hose firmly on my hips and went to the packed closet. Me and Ryan, we’re not the most organized people, my bras are strung up over the hangers, a few jackets on the floor with our shoes, a few t-shirts are just balled up and shoved into the masses instead of hung up.

Sifting through the stuffed closet I finally found my dress, a loose black halter that accentuated my slim, pixie-like figure. Ryan calls it my ‘sexy dress’ but I think it’s really the ‘nicest dress I own’. It swoops in the back and shows off the butterfly I got in memorial of my uncle Maricio, he was always fun and the only uncle to actually be real family. Uncle Maricio taught how to have fun, party, and still be a lady with dignity and class. He also taught me how to rabbit punch, where to hit that’s more effective than the balls and how to use nails in a bitch slap.

He died. A drunk driver crashed into his car, drove away with nothing more than a scratched bumper. They never found that bastard, it was a hit and run and a damn good one. Since Uncle Maricio couldn’t possibly have even given a vague description the person went free and my only true family went six feet under.

Shaking away the depressed thoughts I shimmied the dress up my body and tied the halter behind my neck. I felt very womanly already, panty hose and a nice dress, but the three inch heels would add a nice touch to the outfit, I think. “You look beautiful, love.” My smile grew at the compliment.

“Thanks, babe, you look dashing yourself.” I smirked going over to straighten out his tie. He wore a suit, black of course, with a bright blue tie to go with the matching bracelets and necklace I was going to wear. It might be lame but I enjoy the matching thing, it’s sweet and shows we’re a unit. More like shows he’s yours…

I’m not proud of my possessive side or as a boyfriend in junior year once called it, the controlling bitch side of me. It comes from a family life of fighting and staking my territory. Being a Hernandez is like being a lion, or in my case a lioness. You have to know the rules, also you must know when to obey the rules and when to break them. It’s also about territory and knowing where you belong and what belongs with you.

My territory has always been small, as the youngest child of the clan I’ve had limited territorial rights or belongings. Nothing’s going to take Ryan from me, not a person or a thing. Ryan says that the possessiveness is sexy, I wish I didn’t have it. It scares me that one day my perfect husband will get fed up with me and disappear. He hasn’t so far and for that, I’m happy.

“What’s wrong? Don’t bother telling me you’re fine, it’s written all over your face. So spill.” He leaned towards me and because I hadn’t moved, he now had me pinned to the bathroom counter. I stared down at my feet, looking ridiculous in slinky brown panty hose. I didn’t want Ryan to know what I’d been thinking. Insecurity isn’t hot after awhile, Finzel’s, a gay boy I’d known, voice played in my mind.

Why were all these thoughts suddenly coming back? I hadn’t thought this cynical, and downtrodden since high school and early college. Back when I still lived at home and didn’t have therapy, ever Thursday morning. Something’s coming…something really bad…someone really bad.

“You don’t know if your mother invited anyone else do you?” That feeling of foreboding settling over me like a full body, tight pair of panty hoses. Like a straight jacket.

“Not that I know of. Why?” He was staring at me intently, his eyes clouded with worry that made my heart swell. He was honestly worried about me! Then guilt hit me, I shouldn’t be worrying him over nothing. I’ve had these feelings before-Kat and James- and I’ve been wrong before too. No need to have Ryan stressed over nothing.

“Just a feeling, don’t worry about it.”



The car ride was uncomfortable at best, and down-right awkward at worst. Ryan drove, one hand on the wheel, the other tangled with mine. I felt sick, this cement block sitting in my stomach and a slow pounding migraine growing in the back of my head. I’d much rather be at home, helping Ryan grade essays or even just sitting on the couch typing with him, than be going to this dinner. Not even the fact that I would be seeing my Dad, and James, for the first time in awhile, made me less reluctant to be going.

“So…are you happy to be seeing your parents again?” Ryan asked, clearing his throat awkwardly and squeezing my hand. I exhaled a breathe I hadn’t realized I’d been holding and shrugged shaking my head. There was this lump in my throat that was preventing me from speaking and the snubbed, hurt expression on Ryan’s face made me feel awful.

“Not really,” I squeezed the words past the lump, shoving my shoulders back and attempting to be strong. I will not let some imaginary sixth sense ruin the night. I’m seeing the in-laws which puts me in a bad enough mood as it is, all I need is for Ryan and me to be awkward and apart all night. “You know how they are. The entire dinner will be full of underhanded insults and snide comments, that will end with a dessert of my Dad getting piss drunk.”

“You don’t know that, I was talking to your mother the other day and she said-”

“You’ve been talking to my Mom!?” I cut him off harshly. When had he been talking to my mom? WHY had he been talking to my mother!? He swerved a bit, looking over at me and blushing.

“We-well she called and you didn’t want to talk to her, and left for Kat’s, you remember? She asked me to stay in touch, she wants to know what goes on in your life, love, you’re still her daughter, she worries about you.”

“No she doesn’t.” I snapped shaking my head. I was literally seeing red. “The only thing she cares about is getting more proof to spread to our entire family about how much of a screw up I am; she’s only concerned with finding out every detail of my personal life, like she always has been. What did you tell her? WHAT DID YOU TELL HER!?” I shouted when Ryan looked away awkwardly and avoided the question.

“NOTHING! God dammit Marz, she’s worried about you. You act like a teenager, avoiding her calls, telling your sister’s a bunch of trash about her knowing it’ll get back to her. Why do you hate her so much?”

“Let’s talk about something else.”

“No, you started it now you’re going to finish it. Hmm? You’ve never told me why you hate her so much. Is it some sort of adolescence, she-didn’t-give-me-a-pony complex or do just naturally hate everyone?”

“I do not HATE everyone!”

“Yes you do, you always have. Remember Marz, I’ve known you since the seventh grade, and you were a little bitch back then too.”

“Oh so now your calling me a bitch!?”

“Yeah I am, BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE!”

“How dare you!? You didn’t even know me back in the seventh grade, actually you didn’t even really start to even talk to me as a friend instead of a seat partner until the tenth grade! So don’t give me shit about how much I’ve hated everyone.”

“I know that you scared people away, that if they weren’t Katarina, James, Cheyenne, Finzel, that Richmond chick or a few other outcasts, they weren’t allowed in your presence. You acted like everyone else was trash and you were Queen.”

“THEY WERE TRASH! Beverly Hillbilly trash! Besides! Don’t think I didn’t know what people said about me, about how I was white trash, and a know-it-all and a slut. How because I wasn’t anorexic, or a bend-over-and-take-it bimbo, I was a dyke and a bitch. And you went along with it all.” I snapped, my blood boiling beneath my skin and my heart racing to keep up with my anger. He opened his mouth to retaliate just as the whining sound of a truck horn hit my ears full force.

“FUCK WATCH OUT!” I shouted just as Ryan yanked the wheel to the side and we swerved back into the right lane, skidding off the side of the road for a bit, the wheels skidding as we went through the grass. Ryan pulled the wheel again and slowed down a little bit, gaining control of the car again. My hands shook.

“Oh my God.” I whispered, clenching my hands together to stop the tremors. The truck, the headlights, the horn. I felt sick, seriously sick like the bile was about to rise up in my throat and my lunch was going to fall into my lap. Ryan was breathing heavy and I turned to look at him. He stared straight ahead, both hands holding onto the wheel tight. I fell back against the seat, suddenly very tired, all the anger from earlier gone and seeming ridiculous now.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Maritza, you’re not a bitch, I’m sorry.” Ryan pleaded suddenly reaching for my hand and clutching it tightly. I sighed and squeezed back, letting the few terrified tears slip from my eyes.

“No I’m sorry, I started the fight and I continued it. Just…please don’t talk to my Mom anymore okay? I’m not comfortable with it, and I don’t honestly think I’m ready to spill out my family’s entire dirty past to you, especially since we’re almost to the restaurant. Just please, promise me, you won’t talk to her anymore.”

“I promise, baby.” I smiled a little and held his hand just as tight as he held back. I didn’t want Ryan to know everything that I’d been through, that my Mom had put me through, but I did plan on telling him one day. Someday… I’m glad he promised though, one less thing to add to my ulcer of course.

I hope he keeps that promise.



“Here we are.” Ryan announced carefully pulling into the mostly empty parking lot of Ling’s Chinese Palace. My Dad loves Chinese food, as does Ryan’s mother, so I guess it’s a better place than others. I, myself am not crazy over the Asian cuisine but as long as there are plenty of egg rolls I’ll be fine.

He held the door open for me and I went in, avoiding his eyes. I froze just inside the door, my jaw dropping. “Uh, Ryan?” I heard the beep of the car locking and Ryan shuffling to get his keys in his suit pocket.

“What? Did you forget something…Oh dear Lord, Mother! What is this!?” The entire restaurant was packed full with people, talking, laughing, a large table in the middle of the room with at least 25 seats. I spotted Kat hovering in the back with James standing closely next to her, both of them looking out of place in a room full of Ryan’s family and friends. My own father and family was doing the same but Dad was starting to look upset, his arms crossed high up on his chest and his aviators on even in the dim restaurant.

“What do you mean sweetheart? It’s just a few people.” Mrs. Mills came swishing over to us, in a red dress that clung to her all wrong. She wore a large red bow in her hair and had it been my mother looking a fool, I would have ripped the bow right out. “Maritza, darling, you’re looking a bit peaky.” She kissed my cheek and I grimaced.

“You’re looking gorgeous as ever.” Underlined insults, underlined insults. That’s one thing I learned from Dad, insults disguised as compliments. She smiled widely and kissed Ryan, leaving a big lipstick stain on his cheek.

“Mom this isn’t a few people, this is a party and we were only supposed to be having DINNER with Maritza’s parents.”

“Well she invited those artist friends of hers.” I huffed quietly at the obvious jab at my friends, who had a gallery on Broadway street and didn’t make nearly enough money to gain Mrs. Mills acceptance. “I just thought you’d like some of your friends to be here too, look I even invited that strange girl friend of hers.” She gestured to Cheyenne, who was wrapped around her husband Jimmy and talking to D’Shaun Adams, one of Ryan’s old friends.

“Mom if you have something to say about her friends just say it.” Before she could reply Ryan grabbed me by the elbow and pulled me through the crowd. “Sorry about that baby.” Ryan apologized, twining his hand with mine. I smiled already past it, his mother had no affect on me anymore.

“No problem, it’s your time.” I winked obnoxiously and dragged him around to my parents. “Papi!” I hugged my father who clutched me to his chest tightly, cutting off my air supply in a surprising bear hug.

“There you are Querido, we’ve been waiting for you to finally get here. What took so long?” He snapped the last question and for a moment I felt fifteen again, coming in late after school and being terrified even though I hadn’t done anything wrong.

“Nothing, we just left the apartment a bit late.” I shrugged it off giving my Mom and sister’s hugs quickly. My mom was looking great, her hair long and graying but still luscious, her eyes shining and her hand tightly grasped in my Dad’s. My sister’s, Joanna and Kristian, were alone for once though which was surprising. I wonder where Alejandro, Joanna’s husband, and Elliot, Kristian’s husband, are? Just as I was about to ask Dad opened his mouth to speak and I automatically shut mine.

“Apartment? You’re still living in that shitty little place? Why, don’t have enough money to support my baby girl, hm boy?” I cringed as Dad called Ryan out taking off his sunglasses to glare at him.

“Papi, the place is big enough for the two of us. We like it there.” I insisted putting my hand on my Dad’s shoulder to calm him down. His hand came crashing over mine, crushing it in his.

“What about babies, huh? You can’t raise a child in an apartment.” He drawled the word apartment like it was a fly in his house. My eyebrows shot up and I let go of his arm stunned. Babies!? Like morning sickness, swollen feet and a snip-snip excruciating birth baby? No way, I am not ready for that, hell no!

“No intentions of children, Mr. Hernandez, you don’t need to worry about that.” Ryan said letting go of my hand and staring down my Papi. I was even more dumbfounded. Wait what? No children ever? Well that’s new…I always assumed Ryan would want little babies one day, I do actually, just not today like my Father’s expecting.

“You don’t plan on making my baby a mother!?” Dad snapped standing up from his seat, angry now. Didn’t I explain Costa Rican traditions to Ryan? Was he listening when I did!? You never tell a Hispanic man, especially when your MARRIED ALREADY, that you’re not going to have children he can spoil and teach the traditions to again, and to carry the line.

“Of course he does, Papi, just not today or any time soon. Right Ryan?” I found that I was looking at Ryan for my own clarification and waited for his answer with my Father. Daddy didn’t look happy at all, he actually looked murderous instead.

“Yeah, that’s what I meant Mr. Hernandez. Well it was nice seeing you but we really should mingle-”

“You’re going to stay right here with me Nino, the girls may go on and mingle.” I cringed, kissing the top of my Dad’s shaved head and tried to apologize with my eyes to Ryan. As my sister’s and mother dispersed into the crowd to do what Dad said, I headed over to Kat and James who were still standing awkwardly in the corner. They looked like they were ready to bolt.

“Nice dress girly!” I exclaimed coming up next to them and making Kat jump. James looked at me from under his flippy, long bangs and smiled. Kat’s dress was black and green stripes, cinched at the waist and with thin straps and it went nicely with the green dress shirt she’d probably forced James into.

“Your Mother-In-Law doesn’t agree.” Kat smiled rolling her eyes. “First thing when we get in the door, ‘oh it’s you two, well I must appreciate your attempt to not look trashy but I’m sure you could have tried harder.’ I’m telling you Marz, she’s going get her major karma one day. Where’s Ryan?”

“With my dad. Yeah it’s that bad,” I said at Kat’s expression. “He told my Dad that we have no plans for children and my Dad was on the verge of explosion. You remember that time I ran over a squirrel with his car?” She nodded, laughing at the memory. “Yeah imagine that times like one hundred.” She cringed and so did James even though he didn’t know my Dad as well as Kat did.

“This entire thing is going to end in one great big disaster I can just see it now. Mrs. Mills ends up face first into the noodles and your Dad ends up shoving an egg roll up Ryan’s ass.” I cringed in disgust and James pulled back to look at Kat like she’d just said she wanted to kill the president. “What? I’m an artist, don’t judge.”

I rolled my eyes and looked around the room recognizing a lot of the people. Lena Mills, Ryan’s little sister; D’Shaun and his girlfriend Lexi Pfleiger; Dylan Stoner, now a brain surgeon; Kyler and Morgan Speagle, twins; Dustin Trenary and his girlfriend Brittany Gleason. Basically all friends of Ryan, except for Cheyenne, Kat and James.

“Okay everyone take your seats please!” Mr. Mills called and I grabbed Kat’s hand leading her along to find Ryan and my parents. We sat down, Ryan’s parents at the far head of the table, my parents at the closest head of the table, Ryan on my Mom’s right, me in the middle between Kat and Ryan, then James, Cheyenne, Jimmy and continuing. Once everyone was sat down, the rest of the people being herded by Mrs. Mills there was still one more seat open.

“Mom whose missing?” Ryan asked just as thunder sounded and the door opened dramatically slow, like in an old horror movie as the murderer comes in but you don’t know they’re the murderer.

“Sorry I’m late, plane arrived a bit late and it’s raining.” Her eyes shined with deception and her pink, silk dress was beautiful and made her body look even more amazing. She kissed Mrs. Mills who embraced her like she was her own child, shook Mr. Mills hand and sat down in her seat, directly across from James.

She unfolded her napkin, oblivious to the awkward and tense silence that had spread through the room, and smiled directly at me. Her teeth glinted and she, keeping her smile plastered on but moving her eyes, Nany, Ryan’s ex-fiance, said, “Hello Ryan, I’m so glad that your Mother invited me, I’ve been wanting to catch up with you.” Then she grabbed an egg roll and acted like she hadn’t just been a huge asteroid to my safe perfect little planet.