Make You Feel My Love

Have you ever had a feeling like the whole world just caved in over your head? That feeling submersed me through dinner, choked me through dessert and nearly crushed me when Ryan rose up from his seat, kissed me on the cheek and went to mingle. Or should I say, talk to Nany. He went straight to her and as the room of people started to trickle out I didn’t see him speak to anyone else.

“Well, bombshell much?” I looked over at Chey who had spoken and sighed. My blood was boiling and all I wanted was to stab one of those nine inch stiletto’s right into ‘Nany’s’ eye. Kat and James came over to me and Kat pat my shoulder comfortingly. I downed the rest of my drink before grabbing Cheyenne’s and drinking that one too. I usually don’t like alcohol but right now watching that bitch laugh and talk and TOUCH my husband I was losing my mind.

“You think I’d be to much of a crazy jealous wife if I went over and punched her in the face before running her over with the car?” I asked rhetorically and taking the drink James held out to me. Silent and strong he always knows what I want, Jam does.

“Probably but…it doesn’t mean anything, she’s just here for one night, they’re catching up. It’d be like if James disappeared, then came back and you wanted to talk to him. You wouldn’t want Ryan to be mad at you, would you?” Kat tried to make sense of it standing in front of me and blocking my view of Ryan. I rolled my eyes and stared at her like ‘really?’

“Yeah except for the part of where I’ve never been engaged to James.”

“Oh yeah, well…you’re screwed. Just relax okay, HEY WAITER ANOTHER DRINK PLEASE, that’s for you. Just let them have their moment then you can go home with him.” Kat enunciated with, trying to get across, I’m sure, the message that he belonged to me, that even though they were talking he was still mine. It didn’t help. Nany, for some reason, has always been the kryptonite to my Superman. She’s just…perfect, and Ryan loved her for a long time and it worries me. It terrifies me, especially with her here.

“Here you go beautiful Miss.” The Hispanic waiter smiled charmingly at Kat, and James tripped him as he walked away and glared at us like we’d called specifically for a flirt. Kat giggled and twined her hand with James kissing his cheek. Handing me the glass she winked.

I stared down into the bubbly champagne and my stomach turned as Ryan’s laugh caught my ears. “You guys want to go outside, it’s hot in here and I’m going to end up breaking her face.” Kat and the others agreed and we all trekked outside, grabbing our coats on the way out. It was chilly outside and still drizzling so we stayed under the restaurant’s awning. I felt better being out of there.

“It’s free-eezing, aren’t we still in Florida? What is this…” Kat trailed off as James took off his jacket and put it around her. She smiled at him and my heart swelled at the sight of my best friends. Chey caught my eye and made a face. It’s funny, we’re all out of college, have jobs, are married, but we still act like we’re teenagers. It’s good to know that not everything has to change.

“It is cold, really cold actually.” Cheyenne said rubbing her arms through her jacket. We all lived in Pensacola Florida, pretty high up and it was fall but it shouldn’t been this cold anyway. It felt like it was about to snow.

“Um Marz, Ryan doesn’t look like he’s ready to go, so you want to say goodbye to your family and we’ll drive you home?” I sighed at Kat’s suggestion. I knew it was a good idea, Nany and him were still deep in conversation and I did want to go home.

“Yeah, thanks, uh I’ll just go say goodbye to the fam. If I don’t see you when I get back, love you Chey and I’ll talk to you soon, okay?” She nodded and pulled me into a hug. She smelt warm and like egg rolls which was strange since she hated egg rolls, and hadn’t eaten any at dinner.

“Okay, and don’t worry about Nany. She’s got nothing on you.” I knew she was just trying to make me feel better but it did work a little bit. I nodded, and went inside, the bell above the door chiming happily. My family came walking over as if they’d read my mind and I realized they were just as happy to be leaving as I was.

“Thanks for coming guys, I love you all and I think we should meet up another day, just the family, our family.” Dad agreed, said he’d call for a date and kissed the top of my head, and Mom kissed my forehead before leaving. They’d never taken off their coats, even through dinner, as if they were going to leave as soon as possible. I guess they were going to.

“Well Elliot’s at home sick so I guess I better get back there.” Kristian said hugging me quickly and glancing over at Ryan. “You have a ride home right?”

“Yeah Kat’s going to take me.” She nodded reassured and left, the bell chimed again. I turned back to my last family member and she smiled at me comfortingly.

“Don’t worry about it, he loves you right?” I nodded, pushing away the doubts. “Then he’ll come back to you.” She hugged me quickly and disappeared out the door.

The bell chimed and I was left there, alone.



“Thanks Kat, James, you guys have a nice night. I’ll see you tomorrow.” James nodded and Kat forced a smile as I got out of their truck. It was starting to rain again which meant it was not cold enough to snow as I’d hoped. I hurried up the pathway into the stairwell. On the landing Mr. Roswell, an old man who lives on the second floor, waved to me in his boxers and I waved politely back. He’s like 87 years old, the guys about to drop any minute.

He sends me and Ryan cookies he buys from the Girl Scouts.

The door was locked to our apartment and I realized that Ryan had the keys. Huffing, I pulled a bobby pin from my hair and pat myself on the back for making Uncle Maricio teach me to pick a lock. The door opened and I tossed the stretched pin into the garbage next to the coat hooks. Closing the door behind me I took off my coat, hung it up and kicked off my heels.

For some reason, probably my lack of husband at that moment, I felt like drinking red wine and watching a sad movie. So I did. Stripping off the dress and constricting push-up bra (what we do for beauty, I swear…) I left the panty hose on and grabbed one of Ryan’s big t-shirts, I was already wearing a pair of boy short underwear. Might as well go the whole nine yards on the depressed wife costume. Though, as more minutes pass and more ideas of what Nany and Ryan are talking about float through my head, the depression become a bit more real.

After pouring myself a glass of wine I curled myself up with a blanket on the couch. It was far too cold in the apartment but I guess that’s just what happens in winter, and I refuse to turn the heater on until it’s at least November. It’s only October it shouldn’t be this cold, I thought as I shivered helplessly. On tv was the perfect movie, well maybe not, since in movies distraught wives usually watch old movies with singing and black and white coloring. And I was watching Ghost of Girlfriend’s Past with Matthew McConaughey in it.

10:30, the movie starts.

Midnight, the movie ends and the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants comes on.

1:00 am, I’ve had three glasses of wine, can’t really contemplate where Ryan might be and have watched half of a dreary movie, with a few funny parts. I’m waiting for a call.

2:00 am, have watched a half hour of the Princess Diaries 2 and broken the wine glass with my bare hand when the door sounded but did not open. I’m trying not to wait for his call.

3:00 am, I’m getting seriously tired but refuse to go to sleep before Ryan comes home. I’ve cried now and my makeup’s smeared down my face. It’s raining cats and dogs outside. Ryan still hasn’t even called.

4:00 am, another wine glass down and I can barely keep my eyes open. I’m half asleep watching Despicable Me and crying randomly. The wine bottles almost empty so I drain the rest of it into my glass and throw the bottle somewhere on the floor by the door where it shatters into a million pieces in the darkness.

4:30 am, I decide that Ryan is an asshole and I’m going to cut off his balls when he gets back; but am stopped from having even more nasty thoughts as I pass out black on the couch. Despicable Me is still playing in the background and the wine glass falls safely to the floor not breaking this time.

5:00 am, I snap awake at the sound of the front door opening and I peek through my eyelashes, and the very dim light, to see Ryan walk in. He steps on the crushed bottle, curses in surprise and turns on the light to see me sitting up and staring at him. He freezes and licks his lips nervously.

“Maritza! What are you doing in the living room? And what’s this glass all over?” I stood up turning on the lamp and avoiding his eyes. I threw him the broom, still not looking at him. He caught it and sighed, starting to clean up the mess. My head was aching, from all the alcohol I’d consumed and from the lack of dire sleep, and I really needed water. While Ryan’s back was turned I cleaned my face up a bit while still leaving the messed up makeup, so he could see I’d cried but I wouldn’t look like a sea monster.

“What’s all this glass from, anyway?” He’d found the glass from the first wine glass I’d broken and looked up at me through the kitchen’s divider window. I shrugged and pointed to the wine glasses holder where two were missing.

“You broke two of our wine glasses!?” He exclaimed, looking at me like I’d just told him I’d slit my wrists and drank my own blood.

“One of them, I did break the bottle though.”

“You drank an entire bottle of wine? Why!?”

“Because I can.”

“No you can’t! We have a guinea pig funeral tomorrow, and you have another meeting with your editor tomorrow, well today actually. And you’re wasted!”

“JUST SHUT UP RYAN!” I snapped tired of him treating me like a child. “You want to lecture me? Why don’t you tell me why it’s five o’clock in the morning and you’re just getting home. Hmm, come on Ryan, I’m sure there’s really good excuse as to why I had to get a ride home from Kat, why I’ve been alone all night and why you spent the entire night either talking to or staring at Nany.”

He jerked back like I’d slapped him and it sent a sense of gratification through me. I knew I should have stopped, just stopped before we ever got this far into the fight, but I was drunk and hurting and I wanted to cause him pain. I wanted him to realize that he was in the wrong here not me!

“I’m not going to stand here and let you attack me or Nany. Talk to me when you’re sober.” He tossed the broom at the wall and swirled to grab his coat from the hook. No. He’s not supposed to leave! He’s supposed to apologize and plead for me to forgive him. He’s supposed to kiss me, and make me laugh at something stupid, then he’s supposed to take me into our room and cuddle me in his arms.

“Ryan! If you walk out that door,” Stop! Don’t say it! “I won’t be here when you get back.” He stopped, one arm in his coat and the other reaching for his briefcase, now limp and shocked by his side. I wanted to pull the words back and swallow them whole. I should not have said that, I’m blowing this out of proportion

“You wouldn’t.” My temper flared like flames on a brushfire.

“Excuse me?” Was he challenging me? Daring me to leave? I felt sick, and kind of woozy now that I was standing up. My body was frozen in ice, and I couldn’t have moved if I wanted to. The water glass in my hand was clenched so tight I thought I’d break it like I’d broken the wine glass.

“You wouldn’t leave. Where are you gonna go? To your Daddy, you hate him remember? To Kat and James, another burden on their shoulders? Cheyenne and Jimmy? Great idea except they live in a one bedroom walk-up.” Now he was just being mean, for no reason. It was really starting to hurt me now, each stab an even more insistent pin in my side.

“Do you want me to leave…?” My voice was brittle and weak and I just wanted to curl up in the fetal position and make the world disappear. If there was one thing I’d always been completely sure of it was that Ryan loved and needed me just much as I needed him. And he was practically shoving me out the door. Probably to make room for Nany.

He sighed heavily and pulled on his coat all the way. “No I don’t want you to leave, Maritza.” He was giving me this piteous look that made me sick to my stomach. “We’ll talk about this later, okay? When you’re sober and know what you’re saying.” Then he left, closing the door behind him. As soon as the door closed I collapsed to the floor, sliding down the kitchen counter to the floor where I kneaded my pounding temples and cried. Usually I don’t cry this often, I’m too prideful for it. And Dad used to teach that crying is weakness. For all genders.



“So he just left?” Kat asked, handing me my mug of hot chocolate. I’d wanted desperately to get out of the apartment after what had happened with Ryan, and the only place I could think of to go was to Kat. Thankfully James wasn’t there or he’d probably be staring at me in that frustratingly deep way he does, and asking me how I feel about this. He’s an artist but he’s always wanted to be a psychotherapist.

“Yep, said that he didn’t want me to leave, called me by my whole first name, and said we’d talk about it when I was sober.” I sipped at my hot chocolate, itching my thigh where underneath the pants I’d thrown on were the panty hose still.

“That first name business still bothers you?” When I was a kid, and my Mother or Father would call me by my first name instead of one of my many nicknames, I knew that they were angry and some sort of punishment was coming. Those were usually the time after a big fight and Mom would take it out on me or Dad would disappear for a few days then come back, eyes bloodshot and grinning because he did something bad.

“Of course it does, why do you think I had Ryan call me Marz all these years? First instinct when I hear my whole name is to curl up in a ball and hide under a rock so…Dad can’t find me.” It’s depressing to talk about the past, it hurts. But I’ve told Kat all this, she was there during it, and she won’t judge, or preach or even pity me for my past. Unlike basically everyone else…

“You know that Ryan didn’t mean it like you’re thinking. He would never do to you what your Dad did. You know that, right?” I nodded even though, right now, I didn’t really. It’s been a long time since those old fears have haunted me but…he’s male, and he’s a lot bigger than me. He’s stronger too, he could easily pin me.

“Yeah I know. If he wanted to he would have already.”

“He doesn’t and never will want to.”

“Okay Kat, gosh I understand. I’m not two, you don’t have to reiterate things to shove them into my head.”

“I’m sorry, I just…want you to know that Ryan would never hurt you.” Deciding that a change in subject was needed I searched for something to talk about. It was pouring down rain outside, lightning flashing every once in awhile, and the sound of it beating against the roof wracking my hungover brain.

“I wonder where he is…You don’t think he went to Nany do you? I bet he did, that kind of defeats the purpose of all my non-sleep and threatening and crying if right after fighting loudly and hurtfully with me he just goes right back to her. What kind of a person just waltz into a relationship and steals him? Skanks do and Nany is the biggest one around. Do you think I should-”

“STOP!” I froze mid-sentence and shut my mouth.

“I was ranting wasn’t I? I do that when I’m angry or nervous or stressed or bitter or depressed or sad or-”

“Marz.”

“Okay I’m done.” She smiled and then I did, and soon after we both cracked, laughing hysterically for no apparent reason. She clutched her stomach, I banged my fist on the counter and grinned so big my eyes squinted.

If there’s one thing Kat can do, it’s make me smile when I’m sad.