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Hopeless Desires
Cinq
I spent the following two days unpacking all my bags. My room looked exactly the same as it had the day I left. The walls were a deep, lavender color. There were white Christmas lights going around the room, which I plugged in the second I stepped into the room. Old pictures and notes that were taken and drawn from junior high through high school were still plastered all over, covering up almost every inch of visible wall space. My black and white checkered bed sheets were still on my bed, along with my white stuffed seal that I’ve had since I was born. Stepping into my old bedroom was like taking a step back in time.
I helped my mom prepare food to bring over to Amber’s for the barbecue and helped my dad fix the tractor that he had been struggling to fix for weeks. Catching up with my parents brought back memories of family dinners. We bickered and insulted each other like we did when I was younger. It almost felt as though I had never left. They filled me on what people that went to school with were doing and other’s that I knew growing up and I did the same. They had never met Kyle or Erin, and from the stories I was sharing, they were probably scared to meet them.
When I called Carter later that night, he wasn’t feeling any better. Kyle said it seemed he had gotten worse in the last few hours and might have to take him to the doctor. It was horrible not being there to care for him myself but he insisted it wasn’t a big deal, not that I believed him or felt any better.
I hadn’t imagined that being home would make me as happy as I feel. I always wonder what my life would be like had I never left New York in the first place. Everything would be so different, including myself. Moving to California forced me to grow up quick and I lost a lot of normal experiences most kids my age got to have. I don’t regret moving because it offered me a lot of opportunities and allowed me to meet Kyle and Erin, who I can’t imagine not knowing. But that doesn’t mean I don’t constantly contemplate what could have been.
~*~
Every year my family plus Amber’s family have a barbecue on the Fourth of July. People from both sides of our families fly from all over to either my house or Amber’s; it switches every year. It’s basically a combined family reunion. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins all join together and spend an entire day eating, swimming, drinking, and talking. We become one giant family.
Everyone would start arriving at 11, so Amber, her mom, my mom, and I have been finishing up last minute cleaning and cooking. While our moms were in the kitchen getting appetizers ready, Amber and I were setting up a table for drinks and cups in the living room. Every time we walked in front of the TV, our dads plus Ben would yell or throw a pillow at us. They were watching football; typical. God forbid they miss one second.
“You know you boys could help,” I said, placing the pillow George just threw at me back on the couch.
“Could. Should. Won’t.” Ben said, his eyes never leaving the TV screen, his hand waving in the air dismissively.
“I thought you were on my side Ben!”
“I am, but right now, I’m on the Wolverines side,” he said, glancing at me with an innocent smile. I rolled my eyes with a scoff, playfully glaring at him.
“Fine then. You can skateboard by yourself,” I said, going back to Amber, where she was loading drinks onto the table. I began stacking red and blue cups next to the various bottles, doing my best to not knock over the towers I was making.
“I love you, Chesna!” Ben yelled.
“Sure, sure, that’s what they all say,” I said, shooting Amber a glare when she knocked into the table. Luckily, the cups and drinks only lightly shook, instead of falling to the floor.
“Try as we may, those boys wouldn’t stop watching that game if the house caught on fire!” My mom said, coming out of the kitchen with a tray of shrimp and placing it on the dining room table.
“It’s impossible to come between a man and his football,” Beth said, bring out a tray of cheese and crackers and placing it next to the shrimp.
“Correction, it’s impossible to come between a man and his TV,” Amber clarified. We all nodded in agreement, our attention turning to the guys as they screamed at the TV.
“Oh, Amber, guess who called me yesterday?” Beth asked, placing on hand on her hip.
“Who?”
“Your Aunt Katherine. She said Jared is coming this year.”
Amber instantly perked up. “Really?” Her mom nodded.
“For once, he isn’t on tour. I believe she said all the boys will be coming.”
Amber let out an excited squeal and all the cups I stacked on the table fell over and onto the floor, as she bumped her hip into the unsteady table legs. I groaned, giving her a dirty look, though she hardly noticed.
“Seriously, it’s about time! I’ve missed that ginger freak.”
“Okay, I’m lost. Who’s Jared?” I asked confused. I thought I knew everyone in Amber’s family and I recognized her Aunt Katherine’s name but as I far as I knew, there were no Jared’s in her family.
“You’ve met my Aunt Katherine,” she said and I nodded, urging her to continue, “Jared is her son, my cousin. I’ve met him a few times and we used to hang out all the time when I went to visit my Aunt and Uncle at their house. They’re from Arizona, so I don’t see them often. He’s in a band though and always on tour around this time so he’s never been able to come to this barbeque. But finally you’ll get to meet him and his band mates. I haven’t met them yet either so we’ll both be meeting them for the first time.”
“What’s his band’s name? Have I heard of them?” I asked curiously.
“I don’t really remember..” she trailed off. “Mom, what’s Jared’s bands name?”
“You think I remember? I’m lucky if I remember where I last placed my glasses,” her mom shouted from the kitchen. She came out carrying another tray of food and placed it on the table before looking at Amber. “Wasn’t it something with an M? A state, I believe. Maryland?”
“No, that’s not it.” Amber shook her head, a concentrated look on her face.
“Minnesota!”
“It’s definitely not Minnesota.”
“Mississippi? Missouri? Montana?” Her mom listed.
“Michigan?” Amber asked.
“That’s all the states that start with an M,” her mom muttered.
“What about Maine?” I asked.
“Maine….”Amber trailed off again, thinking before her eyes lit up. “Maine! It’s Maine. Um, uh, The Maine! Yes, their band name is The Maine!”
“Isnt’ it strange that a band from Arizona would name their band after another state?” My mom asked.
“I’m sure they aren’t named after the state Maine. There has to be another meaning behind it. We’ll have to ask them when they get here!” Amber said.
We bent down and began picking up all the spilled cups as I racked my brain. I’ve heard the band name before but I don’t think I’ve ever actually listened to their music.
It wasn’t long after that, that the doorbell rang and within a few minutes, the house was full of people, catching up, hugging, and screaming happily at each other from across the room. I was the main attention for a while, since I hadn’t seen most of these people in two years, some longer. I was being asked questions left and right and people were passing me from one set of arms to the next. My face was being squeezed in that loving-grandma sort of way and smudges of pink lipstick were all over my cheeks. Once I whipped it off my face, someone else would pull me in and another shade of pink or red would cover my face.
Eventually, all the hellos were done with and people just began eating and talking to each other. Most of the men had congregated into the living room to watch the game and the woman were spread from the kitchen, through the dining room, and out onto the deck, chatting away. Most of the younger kids were outside running around, playing with the little toys my mom had bought to keep them entertained. I maneuvered through the packed house whipping off my face once again, occasionally being stopped, until I finally got to the drink table. I had loaded at least 250 cups onto the table and now there was barely 30. I grabbed a blue cup, grabbed some ice out of the ice cooler and poured myself a cup of Coca Cola.
“Oh my god, this house feels more packed than any other year.”
I turned towards Amber as she tripped between two of my Aunts who were chatting away. I laughed and stuck my hand out, helping her balance. She grabbed a can of Root Beer from the cooler and snapped it open, taking a large gulp and squinting her eyes as the bubbles burned her throat.
“There are definitely some new people here. There has been at least 10 people that I’ve seen that I don’t recognize.”
As Amber began to answer, a loud cheer erupted from the front of the house. We looked at each other curiously before making our way through the house to where the commotion was.
I reached up onto my tippy toes and looked over various heads, though that did little to help because I was still too short to see.
“Amber! Chesna!” Ben shouted, maneuvering his way over to us, grimacing as one of his older cousins bumped into him, spilling some of their drink down his arm. “God, sometimes I hate these parties,” he muttered, whipping his arm and stepping closer to us. “Aunt Katherine just arrived with Jared and a bunch of other dudes I don’t know,” he said.
Amber squealed liked she had earlier when she found out this Jared was coming and shoved past Ben, pushing him into me. I steadied him while trying not to spill my drink on anyone.
“See, this is why I don’t socialize. Football is so much better than being spilled on and pushed into people,” Ben said.
“I’m starting to agree,” I said. “You have lipstick on your forehead,” I told him, tapping my finger on where a set of pink lips was placed above his eyes, laughing as a look of horror spread across his face.
“Oh, gross! Freaking old bats and their bright pink lipstick,” He grumbled, waving goodbye to me and pushing his way through everyone, heading towards the stairs, and ultimately the bathroom.
I saw a small opening between my Aunt Lori and Grandma Anne and slipped between them, holding my drink above my head in order to avoid bumping it into someone and spilling it on them. As I made my way closer to the entrance of Amber’s house I could see her hugging a guy with orange hair, the ginger reference now making sense. Around them were four guys, looking around with amused smiles on their faces.
I stood watching them as Amber pulled back, still smiling, her mouth moving faster than I’m sure any of them could comprehend, just like her mother. I held back a laugh as Jared’s face became confused as Amber began using large hand gestures. As she swung her head a little to her left, her eyes caught mine and she waved me over, screaming my name.
The guys all turned in the direction she was looking, though none of their eyes settled on me. I pushed my way past people, taking a small sip of my drink. When I broke through the crowd of family members and walked up to Amber, all their eyes finally settled on me, each of them glancing up and down from my shoes to my smirking face.
“Guys, this is Chesna Fox, my best friend and evil sidekick. Chey, this is Jared, Pat, Garrett, Kennedy and John.” She pointed to each boy when saying their respective names and they each smiled, either waving or doing that typical guy head nod.
“Hi,” I smiled, “Welcome to the madness,” I said, gesturing to the hoard of family members surrounding us.
I helped my mom prepare food to bring over to Amber’s for the barbecue and helped my dad fix the tractor that he had been struggling to fix for weeks. Catching up with my parents brought back memories of family dinners. We bickered and insulted each other like we did when I was younger. It almost felt as though I had never left. They filled me on what people that went to school with were doing and other’s that I knew growing up and I did the same. They had never met Kyle or Erin, and from the stories I was sharing, they were probably scared to meet them.
When I called Carter later that night, he wasn’t feeling any better. Kyle said it seemed he had gotten worse in the last few hours and might have to take him to the doctor. It was horrible not being there to care for him myself but he insisted it wasn’t a big deal, not that I believed him or felt any better.
I hadn’t imagined that being home would make me as happy as I feel. I always wonder what my life would be like had I never left New York in the first place. Everything would be so different, including myself. Moving to California forced me to grow up quick and I lost a lot of normal experiences most kids my age got to have. I don’t regret moving because it offered me a lot of opportunities and allowed me to meet Kyle and Erin, who I can’t imagine not knowing. But that doesn’t mean I don’t constantly contemplate what could have been.
~*~
Every year my family plus Amber’s family have a barbecue on the Fourth of July. People from both sides of our families fly from all over to either my house or Amber’s; it switches every year. It’s basically a combined family reunion. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins all join together and spend an entire day eating, swimming, drinking, and talking. We become one giant family.
Everyone would start arriving at 11, so Amber, her mom, my mom, and I have been finishing up last minute cleaning and cooking. While our moms were in the kitchen getting appetizers ready, Amber and I were setting up a table for drinks and cups in the living room. Every time we walked in front of the TV, our dads plus Ben would yell or throw a pillow at us. They were watching football; typical. God forbid they miss one second.
“You know you boys could help,” I said, placing the pillow George just threw at me back on the couch.
“Could. Should. Won’t.” Ben said, his eyes never leaving the TV screen, his hand waving in the air dismissively.
“I thought you were on my side Ben!”
“I am, but right now, I’m on the Wolverines side,” he said, glancing at me with an innocent smile. I rolled my eyes with a scoff, playfully glaring at him.
“Fine then. You can skateboard by yourself,” I said, going back to Amber, where she was loading drinks onto the table. I began stacking red and blue cups next to the various bottles, doing my best to not knock over the towers I was making.
“I love you, Chesna!” Ben yelled.
“Sure, sure, that’s what they all say,” I said, shooting Amber a glare when she knocked into the table. Luckily, the cups and drinks only lightly shook, instead of falling to the floor.
“Try as we may, those boys wouldn’t stop watching that game if the house caught on fire!” My mom said, coming out of the kitchen with a tray of shrimp and placing it on the dining room table.
“It’s impossible to come between a man and his football,” Beth said, bring out a tray of cheese and crackers and placing it next to the shrimp.
“Correction, it’s impossible to come between a man and his TV,” Amber clarified. We all nodded in agreement, our attention turning to the guys as they screamed at the TV.
“Oh, Amber, guess who called me yesterday?” Beth asked, placing on hand on her hip.
“Who?”
“Your Aunt Katherine. She said Jared is coming this year.”
Amber instantly perked up. “Really?” Her mom nodded.
“For once, he isn’t on tour. I believe she said all the boys will be coming.”
Amber let out an excited squeal and all the cups I stacked on the table fell over and onto the floor, as she bumped her hip into the unsteady table legs. I groaned, giving her a dirty look, though she hardly noticed.
“Seriously, it’s about time! I’ve missed that ginger freak.”
“Okay, I’m lost. Who’s Jared?” I asked confused. I thought I knew everyone in Amber’s family and I recognized her Aunt Katherine’s name but as I far as I knew, there were no Jared’s in her family.
“You’ve met my Aunt Katherine,” she said and I nodded, urging her to continue, “Jared is her son, my cousin. I’ve met him a few times and we used to hang out all the time when I went to visit my Aunt and Uncle at their house. They’re from Arizona, so I don’t see them often. He’s in a band though and always on tour around this time so he’s never been able to come to this barbeque. But finally you’ll get to meet him and his band mates. I haven’t met them yet either so we’ll both be meeting them for the first time.”
“What’s his band’s name? Have I heard of them?” I asked curiously.
“I don’t really remember..” she trailed off. “Mom, what’s Jared’s bands name?”
“You think I remember? I’m lucky if I remember where I last placed my glasses,” her mom shouted from the kitchen. She came out carrying another tray of food and placed it on the table before looking at Amber. “Wasn’t it something with an M? A state, I believe. Maryland?”
“No, that’s not it.” Amber shook her head, a concentrated look on her face.
“Minnesota!”
“It’s definitely not Minnesota.”
“Mississippi? Missouri? Montana?” Her mom listed.
“Michigan?” Amber asked.
“That’s all the states that start with an M,” her mom muttered.
“What about Maine?” I asked.
“Maine….”Amber trailed off again, thinking before her eyes lit up. “Maine! It’s Maine. Um, uh, The Maine! Yes, their band name is The Maine!”
“Isnt’ it strange that a band from Arizona would name their band after another state?” My mom asked.
“I’m sure they aren’t named after the state Maine. There has to be another meaning behind it. We’ll have to ask them when they get here!” Amber said.
We bent down and began picking up all the spilled cups as I racked my brain. I’ve heard the band name before but I don’t think I’ve ever actually listened to their music.
It wasn’t long after that, that the doorbell rang and within a few minutes, the house was full of people, catching up, hugging, and screaming happily at each other from across the room. I was the main attention for a while, since I hadn’t seen most of these people in two years, some longer. I was being asked questions left and right and people were passing me from one set of arms to the next. My face was being squeezed in that loving-grandma sort of way and smudges of pink lipstick were all over my cheeks. Once I whipped it off my face, someone else would pull me in and another shade of pink or red would cover my face.
Eventually, all the hellos were done with and people just began eating and talking to each other. Most of the men had congregated into the living room to watch the game and the woman were spread from the kitchen, through the dining room, and out onto the deck, chatting away. Most of the younger kids were outside running around, playing with the little toys my mom had bought to keep them entertained. I maneuvered through the packed house whipping off my face once again, occasionally being stopped, until I finally got to the drink table. I had loaded at least 250 cups onto the table and now there was barely 30. I grabbed a blue cup, grabbed some ice out of the ice cooler and poured myself a cup of Coca Cola.
“Oh my god, this house feels more packed than any other year.”
I turned towards Amber as she tripped between two of my Aunts who were chatting away. I laughed and stuck my hand out, helping her balance. She grabbed a can of Root Beer from the cooler and snapped it open, taking a large gulp and squinting her eyes as the bubbles burned her throat.
“There are definitely some new people here. There has been at least 10 people that I’ve seen that I don’t recognize.”
As Amber began to answer, a loud cheer erupted from the front of the house. We looked at each other curiously before making our way through the house to where the commotion was.
I reached up onto my tippy toes and looked over various heads, though that did little to help because I was still too short to see.
“Amber! Chesna!” Ben shouted, maneuvering his way over to us, grimacing as one of his older cousins bumped into him, spilling some of their drink down his arm. “God, sometimes I hate these parties,” he muttered, whipping his arm and stepping closer to us. “Aunt Katherine just arrived with Jared and a bunch of other dudes I don’t know,” he said.
Amber squealed liked she had earlier when she found out this Jared was coming and shoved past Ben, pushing him into me. I steadied him while trying not to spill my drink on anyone.
“See, this is why I don’t socialize. Football is so much better than being spilled on and pushed into people,” Ben said.
“I’m starting to agree,” I said. “You have lipstick on your forehead,” I told him, tapping my finger on where a set of pink lips was placed above his eyes, laughing as a look of horror spread across his face.
“Oh, gross! Freaking old bats and their bright pink lipstick,” He grumbled, waving goodbye to me and pushing his way through everyone, heading towards the stairs, and ultimately the bathroom.
I saw a small opening between my Aunt Lori and Grandma Anne and slipped between them, holding my drink above my head in order to avoid bumping it into someone and spilling it on them. As I made my way closer to the entrance of Amber’s house I could see her hugging a guy with orange hair, the ginger reference now making sense. Around them were four guys, looking around with amused smiles on their faces.
I stood watching them as Amber pulled back, still smiling, her mouth moving faster than I’m sure any of them could comprehend, just like her mother. I held back a laugh as Jared’s face became confused as Amber began using large hand gestures. As she swung her head a little to her left, her eyes caught mine and she waved me over, screaming my name.
The guys all turned in the direction she was looking, though none of their eyes settled on me. I pushed my way past people, taking a small sip of my drink. When I broke through the crowd of family members and walked up to Amber, all their eyes finally settled on me, each of them glancing up and down from my shoes to my smirking face.
“Guys, this is Chesna Fox, my best friend and evil sidekick. Chey, this is Jared, Pat, Garrett, Kennedy and John.” She pointed to each boy when saying their respective names and they each smiled, either waving or doing that typical guy head nod.
“Hi,” I smiled, “Welcome to the madness,” I said, gesturing to the hoard of family members surrounding us.
All we needed were some good friends and a song to sing along. With voices yelling in the front room, no one can tell us keep it down.
