I'll Be Waiting up Counting the Stars

I carried a sleeping Jack inside and closed the front door with my hip. I walked past Jacob, who was watching tv in the living room, and tucked Jack in upstairs.

"Mama?" His little voice asked.

"What, sweetie?" I asked.

"I want Austin."

"Oh honey..I don't know what to tell you." I replied, fighting back tears.

"Do you love him?" He asked.

"Yes, Jack. I love him a lot." I answered, biting my quivering lip.

"A mommy and daddy are supposed to love each other. You are my mama, so that makes Austin my daddy."

"Go to sleep, baby." I sighed before giving him a kiss on the forehead and turning on his night light. I went to walk out the door and was surprised when I saw Jacob standing there.

"Janie, how could you do this to me?" He asked sadly.

I ignored him and walked downstairs to the kitchen.

"Janie!" He repeated as I opened the freezer.

"What?" I asked, not facing him.

"How could you love another man? How could you give my son another father? I love you, Jane." He pleaded.

"I love another man because he's kind and he was there for me. I didn't know he was spending so much time with Jack, it just happened. And it's not just about me anymore, it's about Jack. You have to love him first, me second." I demanded as I turned away from the freezer with a fudge pop in hand.

"I do love him, it's just hard. He's so different, you know? He just takes some gettin' used to."

"No he does not. You're his father, for christ's sake! You're supposed to love him at first glance. Maybe if you had stayed with me and raised him, this would be easier for you. You're the one who left, so don't take it out on him." I warned, getting angrier and angrier.

Who was he to say that he couldn't love his son because he wasn't an exact clone of himself? Jack was the most perfect son I could've asked for. He was intelligent, kind, and funny. Austin loved Jack for who he was, and he wasn't even his son! He spent more quality time with him than I could've even asked for, and he loved every minute of it.

I could almost see Austin holding his hand as they walked across the street, or blowing straw paper at him from across a table in a restaurant. He must have been something else for Jack to love him so much. Which makes sense because Austin really is just a big kid.

"I left because I couldn't handle having a kid at nineteen! I still wanted to drink and smoke, and be young! Jesus Janie, don't you understand?" He cried.

"Oh? You didn't think I still wanted to be young? I couldn't bail just as easily as you could." I pointed out.

"That's not true. I was begging you to get rid of it-"

I cut him off with a hard slap across the face.

"If you ever mention that, or call my son 'it' again, you will wish you'd never been born. And you were right when you said you thought you'd be a horrible father." I said as I walked into the living room and picked up his suitcase. I kicked it off the porch and into my front yard.

I turned around and saw his face get red with anger.

"Find somewhere else to stay and call me when you decide to be a man." I spat before walking back inside and locking the door.

I sat on the couch with my head in my hands as I flashed back to my parents fighting when I was young. Maybe it was a good thing Jacob never stayed with me. I would never want Jack to be raised around two parents constantly arguing. I suddenly got off the couch and darted to his room to make sure he was okay. He'd never heard people fighting before and I didn't want him to feel like it was his fault.

I opened his bedroom door just a crack to find him sound asleep in his bed. He looked like such a little angel. It bothered me that his real father couldn't see how great he truly was. He didn't deserve to be treated like a mistake.

I closed the door and walked to my own bedroom. I stripped off all my clothes and got into some sweat pants and a t-shirt. I got under the covers and turned off the lights and tried to fall asleep, but it was no surprise that I just couldn't.

It was then that my phone lit up with a text. I grabbed it, wondering who it could be and my heart fluttered at the name on the screen. I eagerly opened it and smiled at the thoughtful words.

Is my little man alright?

He was worried about Jack of all things to be worried about at this time of night. Why didn't I give him a second chance sooner?

He's perfectly fine. He misses you

I smiled as I sent the reply. I felt like a teenager again, eagerly awaiting a text from a cute boy.

Glad to hear it. What if you dropped him off with me for the day tomorrow?

If possible, my smile got ever bigger. Jack would ecstatic to spend the whole day with Austin.

He'd love that! Are you sure you could handle it?

A few hours was one thing, but from 8am to 6pm was another thing.

Positive. Are you doing okay darling?

I didn't know how to respond to that. Do I tell him the truth, or do I lie and say I'm fine? I don't want to seem needy, but then again it seems like he really wants to know.

I'm fine

After a few more texts I finally drifted off to sleep where I found just a little bit of peace in my dreams. I knew the peace wouldn't last long, though.