Shadow of the Swastika

I kissed him. I had to know what it felt like to be connected to him. To be his and only his. I wanted to be treated like a person, not a slave like I was already considered. That was all I wanted.
But I felt like I had moved too quickly and screwed it all up. It seemed as though he wasn’t responding…

…until I felt his lips pushing back against my mouth. And that was the sign.

His hands moved slowly from my face to around my waist. His lips were chapped, but they had a certain smoothness to them that drew me in. My fingers weaved together to have my arms wrapped around his shoulders. Not too tightly as to crush him, but not so loose that he would imagine that I thought he was fragile. His mouth was just slightly bigger than mine. He kissed my upper lip, my lower lip, then claimed my whole mouth again. But nothing happened beyond this. And neither of us minded. It was just the two of us, lips locked in silence.

I felt wanted. I felt needed. I felt appreciated. I felt loved.

Our mouths separated as Terji brushed some stray pieces of hair out of my face. His calloused hands felt smooth and gentle on my skin. Like they were made of silk, despite the scars and blisters.
“See?” He whispers, brushing his lips against my ear. “You can’t give up yet. We’re going to get through this together, Kalle. You and me.”

I wrapped my arms around him in an embrace, resting my chin upon his shoulder. His long blonde hair tickled my cheeks.

How long had it been since I had felt human contact like this? How long ago was it where I could feel another person hugging me? When was the last time I was kissed?

Too long ago, it seemed. Like forever. Even though it wasn’t really that length of time, it was as if this was the first time all of this ever happened.

And it was with Terji. My rock. My light. My bunkmate. My best friend. My partner.

Safe to say, the man I love.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.

---

The glowing orange sun shone low in the sky. Sunset was dawning upon the world.
Four months had gone by since the first day my eyes fell upon the black smoke. Even with the above and beyond as darkened as it was from the pollution, that small amount of light could still break through.

Hope, it symbolized to me.

You still have hope, it seemed to say.

I still have hope.

I blew some hair out of my eyes. My bangs were starting to grow back. My hair was longer. I was starting to look more like a girl every day. Though in the face, not the body. I was nearly one of them now. A walking skeleton. I was pretty sure I weighed less than eighty pounds now. Little by little, I was fighting a losing battle. Desperately trying to stay alive.

I cried to myself as I reached down to touch my stomach and felt the hard outline of each of my ribs protruding out of my skin. I was starving. And I wasn’t sure if I had broken one of the bones or not. I felt so numb to pain, I wasn’t even sure anymore.

The Gestapo had finally- after numerous months of avoiding it- gotten around to cutting Terji’s hair. His beautiful chest-length locks were gone. His hair was greasy and spiky from lack of a bath, and now, it just grazed his ears. Still, it was the same Terji I knew and loved. Not even a haircut would change how I felt about him. It changed his looks, but not his being.

I caught sight of a small trickle of blood running down the side of his forehead when I turned to look at him. More than likely, from the scissors. The Germans weren’t very careful with their prisoners.

…Prisoners…

I shuddered involuntarily. Terji had used that word once before to describe everyone at the camp, and only now did it just come back to me.

I had thought we were slaves at first. Treated as such, worked as such. But this was something much greater.

Were we really, truly, prisoners now? Was that what we were reduced to?

“Oh, dear God…” I manage to groan out before falling backwards onto my bunk and burying my face in my hands. The tears are finally starting to crawl down my cheeks. Their damp warmth is a sickeningly sweet sting on my bruised face. I can feel my body shake and twitch as I sob harder.

I hear a shuffling of limbs and the creaking of a bunk ladder before I feel Terji gather me in his arms, his hands stroking my back, his lips resting against the tender skin of my neck. He whispers sweet nothings in my ear. “Shhh…” he soothes me. “No, no, no. Don’t cry, Kalle, please don’t cry…”

No matter how much he tries, he cannot calm me down. The tears and cries do not stop. His sweet, smooth, low voice does not reach me the way it should. The way I know it should. I am a sobbing mess. I am a breakdown.

So he silences me with a kiss. One hard enough to knock me backwards and steal the breath out of my chest. But gentle enough to show every ounce of love he poured into it. I finally relax in his arms and feel my tears subside as his mouth slowly leaves mine.

He cures all of my problems, this man.

Terji’s hand strokes my cheek. His lips touch my hair. I feel safe with Terji.

He flashes me a soft, yet award-winning smile that I know all too well, before turning to go back to his bunk. But my instincts kick in, and I reach for his hand again. I weave my fingers through his. I don’t want him to leave me just yet.

I might have another nightmare. Like the ones I’ve been having for the past five weeks.

“What’s wrong?” he whispers, tracing circles on the back of my hand with his thumb. I can hear his voice shake unconsciously.

One more tear manages to escape my right eye. “Don’t leave me,” I hiccup. “I-I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

His expression softens even more than it already is. “The nightmares?” he figures the best guess. I nod with a sniffle and wipe my nose on my sleeve.

He does not hesitate at all. He blows out the lantern light from his position at the foot of my bunk, then wraps his arms around me as his body follows mine, laying down on the makeshift cot mattress. Once in a while I will let out a small whimper out of sheer reflex. But Terji knows exactly what to do. He strokes my hair and gives me soft, quick kisses. My eyes flutter open and closed, almost afraid that when I open them again, he will be gone.

“Shhh, Kalle…” he whispers to me again, holding me safe in his arms. “It’s alright, love. Go to sleep.”

Slowly, but surely, I oblige. Around thirty minutes later, his eyes close as well, holding me close as he also falls asleep.

---

The nightmares, as Terji calls them, aren’t your average run-of-the-mill scary dreams that children have every now and then. These are worse. They are mentally scarring. They are the ones that force you to scream in the middle of the night and wake up dripping in cold sweat. They make you cry. They make you curse at the moon. They are of death, and pain, and loss. Loss of family, loss of friends, loss of lovers, loss of life.

I dream of being sent to the cremation chamber. Every night. The result is only one of two outcomes. It is either me, or Terji.

Terji is my lover, now. Terji is my life, now.

It is a loss I cannot bear to withstand.

A loss, that in some way, somehow, I will prevent.

Even if I have to use the little strength I have left, if any at all, to do so.

I will not give up without a fight.

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