Rouge

“I left her because I…” His breathing was erratic and desperate, the words grazing his teeth unable to come out. “It wasn’t the company. I couldn’t do anything about it, I couldn’t say no. I ran away, you should know. Please, come back with me. I’ll make it better. Please. I love you, please come back.” He looked down at his shoes. “For me. Come back for me.”

He was staring over her shoulder, the packed boxes saying more than anything her mouth could pronounce. His tussled blonde hair was messier than usual, the bags under his eyes more accentuated than before. The reality he was facing was too much for him, the implications those boxes meant. He had hardly started playing the game – it was unfair that it’d simply cease to exist.

Yura was in a condition no man should ever witness; she kept looking down and hiding her face behind her hair. “Ah…” all attitude her tongue formulated was gone. She was speechless and he felt a sense of satisfaction course through him. Now she knew how he felt. Yet at the same time, it rubbed him the wrong way. “Why are you here?”

“You said good-bye,” he knew honesty was his best policy with her. It took him so long to understand and now he’d hardly be able to use it ever again. “You’ve never said good-bye.” He swallowed to relieve the dry itch down his throat. The words implied so much, so much he wasn’t ready to admit and yet here she was.

She finally looked up at him and it was then he saw it – the conflict. The despair. She had tried to cover the remains of her tattered heart behind make-up, but her puffed up eyes said more than she’d ever dare share. “I’m leaving.”

His heart failed him; it was a moment in which breathing wasn’t a necessity and the world was slowly crumbling into nightmares. Seungho stared at her, his eyes mirroring the pained look she wore. His hand, ever slowly, reached forward only to retract on the last moment. He couldn’t dare touch her; to make her real would simply make his despair even more tangible.

He, too, searched for comfort on the floor. So far, it had proven to be the only unchanging thing he had at the moment. “Are you… happy?” That was all he was concerned about at the moment. He didn’t need anything else, not a note on the window, not a wishful hug, not an inexistent kiss. He needed the reassurance that no matter where she’d be that her smile would be authentic, her laughter real.

Her caramel eyes stared beyond him, her normally sharp gaze muddled and lost. “I… will be. I’ll be happy. But not here.” The passion and determination lit up within her. She stared at his averted gaze. “I can’t live here – trapped.”

Seungho inhaled once, the wishful thinking once again overcoming him. In his mind the frustration was too big, the desire too manifested. “I understand.” Yet, part of him wished it had been him setting her free.

“Thank you.” Her genuine grin was tainted with feelings he’d never understand. He’d never know if it was his cowardice that permitted him to mute his question of ‘why’, or if it was only because he couldn’t bear to listen anymore without lashing out with honesty.

“Good bye.”

He closed his eyes and waited.

“Good bye.”

She closed the door and left.

”I gave up everything for you!” She stood up from the bench, her fisted hands trembling besides her as if she contained her anger right within them. “I never asked for this, I never asked for any of this. My life was perfect. Perfect. And then… and then…” she felt tears overrun her will, stains of black mascara marring her white skin. “And then I believed you.”

“Lary…” He tried to grab her shoulders but she twisted away. “Please, understand. I didn’t have any choice!” His voice was croaking with pressure, the wind carrying his words farther away from the park.

“I believed in you,” she hiccupped, even when she admonished herself for crying – she kept sniveling. “I believed in you and you betrayed me. You said it’d only be a day, a week, that everything would be better.” She didn’t comprehend what had gone so terribly wrong, but it rooted from her heart. Her soul. Her dignity.

He encased her in a hug, silently listening to her wrecked sobs. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Lary. I’m so sorry.” He swallowed and pressed his nose below her ear; his words sending chills down her spine, the implications going beyond her understanding.

“I’m sorry I lied to you.”

Numb. He was numb.

His hands pressed against the hallway’s wall, his uneven breaths keeping him focused. He felt a choking sensation down his throat, an acute pressure right inside his chest. He couldn’t understand why he felt like this, what it meant. The last time he ever felt this way was whenever he lost as a child; be it a game, a competition, mere child-play – if he lost, a horrible feeling would rip right through him. But this was no game – not anymore.

A twisted smile formed on his lips as he casually walked down the stairs. He wanted to laugh. He wanted to squeeze something and laugh. This alien sensation, this breathtaking grief –

He felt heartbroken.



“When am I going to see you again?”

Standing alone with only a scarf, she was staring up at him, her eyes spelling out a challenge. Her whole body shivered against the severe cold, the night traffic behind her silhouetting her body. All that could be seen was her condescended breaths on the cold air. In front of her stood a man dressed with modest clothes, a black beanie on his head and a black overcoat to match it off.

“We already talked about this.” He tried to reach out for her, but she only stared at him with a calculative gaze. The tip of his fingers grazed her cheek, her face unchanging. He didn’t know what else to say, how else to reassure her.

“I know, I just…” She needn’t voice her doubt. “Forget it, I’m having those moments.” The girl looked somewhere beyond him and hugged the thin sweater over her shoulders. She let out a loose laugh and looked around herself at a loss. “You know how I get sometimes. I just wished…”

The man pulled her into an embrace. The incessant traffic rushed besides them, the background noise falling to deaf ears. He felt her nose jab against his chest, her hot breaths seeping through the fabric of his shirt. The girl didn’t stir until she noticed that he wasn’t letting go anytime soon. He had no reassuring words and she knew. She knew he didn’t know. She knew that he couldn’t answer, and part of her felt bad for asking him regardless. But even she could not push away the sensation of sadness his absence brought.

He was one of the worst and most beautiful things to happen in her life.

“It’s okay,” she pushed away and breathed in. “I shouldn’t have asked.” She took in a deep breath and smiled at him. He deserved more than her sadness.

He felt something vibrate in his pocket, but he didn’t want to answer or even look at what it said. He had left early from his solo rehearsal, and just as he expected, she was absolutely thrilled to see him after two weeks of not seeing him. He was tired and spent, but even he could not deny her a smile. The vibration continued. He sighed heavily and felt how his smile faded away. “Phone.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, quickly reading over the urgent text before putting his phone away. “I have to go.”

Her smile failed her. “I know. Good luck! Even if you don’t actually need luck…” she grinned again. “Oh wait, my phone is ringing. Weird.” She reached into her pocket, her numb fingers pressing on the answer dial.

“Moshi mo-” she immediately recognize her mistake on language. “Um, I mean. Hello?” Her face went ashen, the once rosy cheeks from the cold replaced by some steely expression. “I see. Took you this long to call,” she pressed the palm of her hand against her forehead, sighing deeply. “Send me the address, I’ll be there. Sure. Fine. See you.”

“Your friend?” He placed his hands inside his pockets, patiently staring at her.

“Yeah, she’s in some kind of issue. I’ll just have to go and save the day again.” She knew postponing the inevitable was foolish. “Alright, so, I’ll see you soon… hopefully.”

He nodded. “Hopefully.”

Standing in front of the rushing cars and illuminated night wasn’t that terrible. It blinded her momentarily from seeing him walk away and reminding her that ‘soon’ could turn into ‘a long time’. She breathing in what she hoped to be his cologne, but inhaled only prickling air that stung her lungs. She felt pretty dumb to stand there cold and alone, but she didn’t mind all that much. Refusing to look back, she walked into her apartment, grabbing an even thicker sweater and heading back out again.

She pulled out her phone and re-dialed the last phone call she received. “Lary? You’re in so much trouble once I get there. I’m absolutely serious. You’re so reckless and – fuck. Hanging up on me won’t help!” However, she couldn’t help but feel relieved and sighed with mixed feelings.

It was a long day that stubbornly refused to meet its end.