Already Dead Inside

I had failed. Failed the writing assessment that I had been up until three am last week rereading and making sure that it was perfect. When I was writing it, it seemed like it was going along with the guidelines that were set for it. I was so certain that I had done well, if not good on it.

There wasn't much in my mind that made sense right now because how could I fail something that I had spent three weeks on, countless nights where I didn't sleep and around twenty five pieces of scrap paper on? The final draft of the writing was five pages long as well. It made sense to me, I should have got a pass on it. I know I should have.

But of course, with me being me I didn't get up and talk to the one who failed me. It could have been because I was still almost in shook that I had been failed on a paper that I didn't talk to him. But either way that was the thing that made my day crash down in a bad way.

It brought my mood down which would then result in my whole day being brought down.

But it didn't feel like my whole day had been brought down after that; the rest of the day in college felt the same as any other day. Nothing too bad happened and nothing too good happened. The people I got teased over still teased me. However, some of the teases did make me grit my teeth in frustrating, but only because they were teasing me about how good I done in the assessment we just got given back.

The same one I failed.

By the time that I got back to the flat that I shared with my brother I was almost angry because of the fact I had continued mauling over the fact that I had failed the assessment.

When I closed the door behind me, I realised that there were people sitting on the sofas that occupied the little sitting room area in the flat. I registered the fact that none of the people were Gerard but instead, his two friends. This made me frown.

“Hey Mikey,” the younger one, Frank, said. Despite them being Gerard's friends, I think they classed themselves as my friends. I wasn't one to object to such classification asides the fact that sometimes Frank did annoy me with the way he speaks and acts. But only sometimes.

“Hey Frank, Ray. Where's my brother?” I asked whilst heading to my room's door. Opening it, I chucked my bag in and discarded by shoes by the door before making my way to the sofa that they were both occupying.

Shrugging his shoulders, Frank just looked back to the television he had been glued to before I came back. It was what Ray was doing as well, just watching the television. Letting out a sigh, I head into the kitchen thankful that I was no longer in the same room as them two. I just wasn't really up to having company around me today, except Gerard. But he's an exception because he is my brother.

Opening the drawer to my right I just keep my gaze fixed on the items that are in it. I don't know how long I was just staring the items but I was so into it that I didn't hear someone enter the room so when I felt a hand on my shoulder it made me jump. The annoyingly pitched laughter of Frank sounded straight afterwards. “Jeez Mikey, you were so into your own world that you didn't even hear me calling your name,” he laughed.

“Sorry,” I muttered, shaking my head slightly. “What'd you want?”

“I dunno, to talk to you? You're never that sociable with me.”

I sighed, “Not today Frank.” I wasn't in the mood to deal with him. True, I don't think I'm in the mood to deal with much today but Frank's at the top of the list of things I cannot deal with today.

“Oh c'mon Mikey, talk to me about anything! Like...how well you're doing in college or something? Or how your assessment went that you got back today. I don't know what else though, that's all Gerard said I could try and talk to you about,” I could almost envision the shrug that I was certain Frank gave as he stopped talking. I shook my head.

“I said not today Frank, I don't wanna talk to you.”

“It's not like you're better than me Mikey, so I don't see why the hell you don't wanna talk to me. You're not above me or anything. But fine! Go do all the nerd things that you seem to do every day; only things you're good at.”

My hand was slowly gripping tighter with every word he was saying and by the time he had finished I could feel my own nails digging back into my palm. At the last word he said I was no longer facing the drawer but instead I was facing Frank.

I could see the shock on his face. I could see that there was something in his eyes that was just slowly....fading.

“No Frank, I'm good at this too,” I whispered pulling my hand away from his body, retracting the knife along with it. Frank's hands automatically went over the hole that was now letting blood seeping from his body and onto his clothes. It was even reaching the floor.

I wasn't even aware that I had been holding the knife before it had plunged itself into Frank's body. Frank tried staggering away from me, to seek help I assume, but the knife had hit too deep and he collapsed on the floor and into a puddle of his own blood before he even made it four steps.

Going over to him, I bent down and rolled him over so that he was now laying on his back. I could see into his eyes, and right at that moment, I could see that his life was slipping from his eyes. His eyes were moving before they locked themselves on me, trying to stare me down.

Something inside of me felt giddy as I saw a distinct look in his eye before he breathed his last breath and stopped moving completely.

“What the fuck?!” a high pitched shocked voice broke me from my giddiness. Looking up I could see Ray was standing in the doorway, eyes wide and staring at Frank's now dead body that I was near. I felt my head shake a little before my fingers automatically clenched tighter around the knife in my hand. I slowly stood up as Ray came further into the room and towards Frank.

He thought he was still alive. His mistake.

“What did you do to him Mikey?” he spat towards me before crouching down and trying to feel for a pulse.

This time I controlled my hand so just before Ray was going to get up, I moved forward and stuck my hand out. The knife went into his back right next to his spine. Twisting it several times, I could see the blood running down his back thickly.

It was almost as if the knife was holding him up because as soon as I pulled it out from his back, he fell to the floor. This time he landed on his back which I was grateful for.

My eyes stared at the bloodied knife that was in my hand. That was bloodied too as was my other hand. Looking back up, I could see Ray's eyes were slowly closing. But I saw the life drain from his eyes before he managed to shut them fully.

Only then, when I could see the bodies of two people I knew without the prospect of the life draining from any of their eyes, did I realise just what had happened. Just what I had done.

Dropping the knife, I brought my hands up to my face. Blood, everywhere on them.

I felt my body drop to the floor. The corner was my hideout as I looked back over the two bodies that I was almost level with. I couldn't help the tears that fell from my eyes because I knew them.

But even so, it didn't make me regret killing them.

All it did was make me sad that they were Gerard's friends, and maybe even my friends.

But no ounce of regret entered my mind.