Already Dead Inside

She was actually gone.

Gerard was gone to get rid of her body. The thought made me giggle once again.

I enjoyed spending the time with Amy, more so than I did with any of the others. Probably because Gerard was there to see it all. It made it all that more enjoyable.

Even though he didn't keep quiet like I had hoped for at the beginning. But the tape across the mouth was something he obviously wanted because he wouldn't be quiet.

As soon as Gerard had left to get rid of the body, I went back up to the flat and went over to the chair she had been sat on during the time we spent together.

There was so much blood.

It was really soothing.

And wonderful.

My fingers traced shapes in the blood, a grin on my face for the whole time I was feeling the blood.

I don't want Gerard to clean up the blood like he did with Ray and Frank.

Oh no, I want to keep it so I can see it and remember just how amazing the time I spent with her actually was. And it'd be a reminder to Gerard as well, that the blood is soothing and I spent time with her and liked her for a while, like he wanted me to.

Bringing my hand up to my face, I tilted my head and looked at the blood.

I wonder what makes it so soothing, so amazing.

It can't just always naturally be soothing otherwise Gerard would have understood what I was on about a lot quicker than he did.

And he would have realised that what I was going was never wrong.

So it had to be something else.

But just...what else?

Running my bloodied hand down the side of my face, I giggled at her blood now being on my face.

It keeps tingling my senses which I love.

She's actually good for something.

Though she was bad for a lot of things, like taking Gerard away from me and making him think that what I was doing was wrong.

It has never been wrong!

She just didn't like that he loved me more than her which is why she kept the hold on him.

Good thing I've broke it now.

Gerard will be glad I broke it.

At least, he will soon.

And then maybe he'll let me finish my smile of his. It looks wonderful already but it still doesn't look right because it's not a proper smile.

It needs to be complete.

I wish he had let me complete it before, then he would have been all that more happy.

His smile is pretty.

I drew a smile in the blood I was still messing about with. Just so that Gerard knows that I love smiles and his smile so maybe he'll smile more often.

Or let me finish his smile.

Either one would be nice of him.

I wish I kept Amy's heart, I think Gerard would have appreciated it more if it was in his room for him to keep rather than having it on his lap.

He doesn't react too well to being given gifts, especially ones that I get just for him and with him in mind.

It's not nice.

Pressing my palm flat down in the blood, I then got up and walked over to the wall next to the chair and blood. Cocking my head, I looked at the wall.

Giving a thought to it, I slowly reached forward and pressed my hand on the paper, letting the blood on my palm make a hand on the wall.

I had always thought the wall was too bland.

Pulling my hand away, I rubbed my fingers together before reaching forward again and drawing a smile on the wall.

When realising that the blood on my fingers was drying so it couldn't be used on the wall, I went back to the chair and dipped my fingers and hand into the blood again, shuddering whilst giggling at the feel.

I then went back to the wall and continued with the smile before writing a word next to it: Smile.

Satisfied with my decoration to the wall, I looked back at the blood on the floor one last time before heading down the hallway and towards my room.

Glancing at the clock in my room, I frowned when I realised that Gerard had been out a bit too long for just dumping the body.

It shouldn't have taken him this long.

Maybe he needed air?

I shrugged before grinning widely and falling onto my bed.

I couldn't be bothered changing from my bloodied clothes, nor washing the blood from my hands, so I just fell asleep like I was.

I couldn't wait to talk to Gerard tomorrow.