Already Dead Inside

There was no regret, nothing like that in my mind. Only sadness over the fact that it had to be friends of Gerard's, and possibly mine.

It should have been confusing me, it really should have, but it weren't. I was enjoying having no regret over killing them.

“Mikey! What did you do?!” when Gerard spoke directly at me I snapped out of my thoughts. I stayed in the same position though.

“T-they're dead Gee,” I whispered, my eyes fixing themselves on the pool of blood surrounding them.

I didn't see Gerard look from the bodies then back to me. “I see that Mikey, but what happened with them?” his voice was quiet.

My eyes flicked to Frank. What he said ran through my head. “Am I only good at being a 'nerd' Gee?”

“What?” he asked incredulously.

I felt no regret over what I had done because Frank had made me do it. I told him that I didn't want to talk to him today, I wasn't in all that good of a social mood, but he continued to bug me. He couldn't take no for an answer. He was asking for me.

“That's what Frank said.....before.....,” I told him, my eyes finally tearing themselves away from the two bodies and make their way to Gerard. He was watching me with worried eyes and every so often they would flick to the blood and the bodies before they'd flick right back to me.

He nodded. “You did this?” he asked softly. I nodded.

Gerard breathed out heavily, his eyes moving from me and back to the bodies. His eyes closed for a minute when he saw their faces, registering the fact that his friends were dead.

Frank deserved it and when Ray came in the room, the way he treated me, he deserved it too. They both deserved and was asking to be killed.

“J-just....stay there Mikes, okay?” he mumbled, shaking his head as if to clear something from his mind. I nodded before bringing my fingers to my mouth and beginning to chew at the skin on one of my fingers. It's a habit of mine.

Gerard disappeared from the room and I could hear noise from the flat which told me that he was still here and hadn't left. Not that I thought he would leave because he's my brother and everything, therefore he won't leave me.

I continued looking over the two bodies whilst he continued to do whatever he was doing.

The blood was almost the best bit of doing all that. Having it flowing from their bodies and onto the knife which then made it run onto my hands was one of the most greatest feelings I had ever felt. It felt almost soothing on my hands.

But the bit that came above that was watching their eyes as they were dying. It was almost like I was watching their souls being taken from their bodies without consent from them first.

In a way it was without consent; I killed them.

I guess that's what made it all that more better, the fact that it wasn't consenting. They didn't want their souls to leave their bodies. They didn't want to die.

But they did. And there wasn't anything they could do about it.

Gerard came back into the room. His hands were shaking a bit but not enough for the object in his hands to be shaking. He knelt on the ground next to them making sure that he didn't kneel in the blood.

His eyes flicked over to me and he just knelt there watching me for a while. All I did was stare back at him, not moving or blinking. In the end he broke the gaze we had on each other and looked back at the bodies in front of him.

I watched as he let out a deep breath before unrolling the object in his hands and ripping off a piece before setting the main object on the ground.

It was a bin bag he had ripped from the roll.

He started with Ray first.

I almost wanted to stop him when he used his fingers to close his eyes with. I wanted them to stay open so that anyone who looked at him could know that his soul was no longer in his eyes.

But I didn't stop him. I just continued watching whatever he was doing.

Gerard half dragged and half shoved Ray's body into the big bag that he had ripped off. He looked like he was struggling with it, whether it was from Ray's weight or the fact that it was one of his friends, I didn't know.

Once he was in the bin bag and his face was covered with it, Gerard ripped another bag off from the roll and put it over Ray. It was a double layer as if it was to protect it.

When he had made sure that Ray was secure in the bags, he then turned and looked at Frank. He always was closer with Frank than he was with Ray.

His lip trembled for a minute, almost like he was going to cry. But he didn't. He took one more look at me before turning back to Frank and closing his eyes like he did with Ray.

I watched as he done the same as what he did with Ray to Frank.

Once he had got Frank into the bags, all that was left was the blood all on the floor. It looked so nice and it felt nice too, knowing that I had made the two of them shed the blood that was now staining the floor of our kitchen.

“W-we have to wait two hours Mikey,” Gerard finally broke the silence that had been upon us for a while now. My eyes drifted from the blood to him and all I could do was look at him curiously. Two hours for what?

“U-until we...,” he stopped, it looked like he was struggling to make out words at this moment in time, “Until we can get rid of the bodies Mikey.”

So that's what he was doing. He was bagging up the bodies so that we can get rid of him.

He was cleaning up after me.

I nodded at him. He looked at the bags before looking at me. After a minute or two he left the room but this time didn't come back in for a while. I just stayed where I was, unmoving asides from my eyes. And all they did was keep flicking backwards and forwards from the blood on the floor to the bodies in the bags.

All that was running through my mind was that they did deserve it and because of that it felt good. I enjoyed it and it wasn't something that I felt wrong over. I didn't feel sick or disgusted with myself for doing it.

I felt good.

I didn't realise that two hours had gone by until Gerard came back into the kitchen. “C'mon Mikey, we have to...do this now.”

Nodding my head I slowly moved from the spot that I had been in for almost three hours now. I had to help Gerard move Ray first. It was hard to do, getting down the stairs without anyone seeing us, but I understood why we needed to wait two hours.

It was dark and not many people were out. In fact I didn't see a single person on the street as we put Ray in the car. Except for Gerard, of course.

We repeated the same process with Frank's body. It felt almost satisfying holding the dead bodies in my palms. The only thing that made it not completely satisfying was the fact that they were covered with the bin bags. But I knew why Gerard done it.

Gerard got in the driver's seat which left me to get into the passenger seat.

We hadn't put the bodies in the boot but instead they were laying across the back seat. I could see them in the rear view mirror.

“Don't worry Mikey, I'm cleaning it all up for you,” Gerard told me, a tremble in his voice.

I didn't know where we were going but I knew I'd know when we were there. I had a feeling it might be somewhere that was a perfect place to dump something that's not likely to be found unless someone's looking in that place specially for that.

Which no one would be because it's not like anyone asides me or Gerard would know.

Well, Frank and Ray would know. But they're a bit dead to the world to be able to tell anyone where they're going now.

Such a shame.