Already Dead Inside

“Mikey?” Gerard's voice didn't make me move from where I was. My eyes stayed glued to the floor beneath me.

It looked weird, almost wrong to be bloodless. When Frank and Ray were lying there, in their own blood, the floor looked amazing. It looked like it should do, and now after Gerard cleaned it all, it doesn't look right.

It shouldn't be this way.

“Mikey,” this time he was next to me and was shaking my arm. My head shot up suddenly when I registered that he was shaking me. From the corner of my eye I saw Gerard jump slightly from the shock of my sudden movement.

Finally tearing my eyes away from the clean floor, I looked at Gerard as if asking him what he wanted. He did distract me from my thoughts and envisioning of the bodies being back here, on the floor, in the blood.

“We need to talk Mikes okay?” he sounded a bit distant in his voice. It didn't faze me though.

Nodding my head I then followed him into the sitting area. He sat in the same space that Frank was in when I came home. I sat in any other place that wasn't the same as where Ray sat. I wanted to tall Gerard to move because he was sitting in that seat before he made me kill him. But I thought against it and just sat there waiting for Gerard to say the first word.

He licked his lips as if he was going to say something, opened his mouth as if he was going to say something and then he closed it. Clearly not saying something. He repeated this notion several times, each time it looked like he was getting even more nervous.

“Mikey,” he started, this voice trailing off slightly. I just watched him as he cleared his throat as if that would make him be able to speak better. “W-why?”

“Why?” I questioned, eyes wandering the room. Everything looked so plain now, like it shouldn't be where it was without blood covering it. The decorating of the blood that had been on the kitchen floor was stuck in my mind which was transferring to near enough everywhere else.

“Why did you.....kill them Mikey?” Gerard practically had to choke out the word 'kill'. He was talking about his friends here.

“Why....why...,” I murmured to myself. He was asking why I killed Frank and then Ray. He was asking why he had to bag up his two friend's bodies and dump them in the river.

My mind wandered to the morning. When I got my assessment back and found out that I had failed. And the people who teased and taunted me for getting a high mark even though I didn't. They just assumed that I did because of all the other times.

The one person who teased me the most was one of the big guys. His name was Damien. He just didn't like me because I did get high marks. I don't like him because he teases me.

But I think I'm going to start liking him now. I'm going to spend some time with him and I'll start liking him after that.

He's going to be sharing his blood with me.

“Mikey!” I hadn't been paying attention which made Gerard's voice startle me for a minute. Looking up from where I had been staring at the floor, I could see that there was some worry in his eyes along with slight hesitance.

“I....I don't know Gee. One minute I was staring at the drawer in front of me and the next.....the next the knife is in Frank and his blood is travelling down it. It reached my hand....it was the most amazing feel ever Gee. His blood felt amazing on my skin. It was almost soothing.”

Gerard's eyes widened a bit, his hesitance in his eyes was slowly growing into slight fear. But he was trying hard not to let it show.

“And then when he was on the floor, the blood covering my hands, I stood above him. I could see that his life was leaving his body Gee, and it was even better then watching the blood flow from his body,” my voice was barely more then a whisper.

“And Ray,” I continued, my mind back to the time when I had the knife and their lives in my hand, “he came into the kitchen almost straight afterwards. It's like he wanted to be killed Gee. He didn't like me anyway.”

Watching their lives leaving their eyes flashed in my mind once more before I looked up at Gerard. He had an expression on his face that I didn't quite understand but then, I didn't care.

“Mikey,” Gerard started but then stopped himself almost as if he didn't know what to say exactly. He opened his mouth as if he was going to say something but then closed it again.

“Didn't you think the blood was soothing Gerard?” I questioned, my eyes looking down at my hands. They looked better when they were stained with Frank and Ray's blood. If only it had been a permanent stain and not one that came off with a wash.

Gerard's eyes widened and he almost looked like he had heard something that had unnerved him a lot. “N-no Mikey, I didn't.” I shrugged at his answer. His loss.

“I-I don't get it....I mean why them Mikes?” he asked, or more like begged. At least, it sounded to me by his voice that he was almost begging.

Like he really wanted to know why I had killed Frank and Ray. But didn't I just tell him? No, I guess I didn't. I just told him how it felt.

“I-I failed Gee,” I muttered, still not liking the fact that he had failed me on something that I had worked so hard on. He raised his eyebrow as if prompting me to continue. “The assessment. I failed.”

I watched as his features changed into disbelief. “What? The same one that you spent all that time on? You had it almost perfect Mikey, how could he have failed you?” I casted my eyes and and shrugged.

“Frank just wouldn't leave me alone. I told him not to talk to me, I didn't want to talk to anyone Gee, I told him. He didn't listen. It's all his fault that he's dead. I told him several times that I wasn't in the mood to talk to him today, but no he had to continue talking to me. He told me the only thing I was good at was being a nerd Gee,” I stopped, thinking back to his face when the knife went into him. “I showed him that I wasn't just good at that, but that I was good at doing what I did. Making him bleed.”

That made Gerard put his head in his hands, almost like he didn't like what he had heard. He did ask me to tell him why though, and that is why. “It's not your fault Mikes, not your fault,” he muttered lowly as if he didn't want me to hear. But I did.

Why would he want me not to hear when he's saying my name?

I sat there for a few minutes just thinking about Damien and how and when I was going to start trying to like him. I knew it'd work, it worked with Frank and Ray, but then again theirs was on accident.

Gerard suddenly looked up at me, it seemed as if he was having a battle mentally. “It's not your fault Mikey, it's not,” he said louder then he was just muttering it but still not all that loud.

I wonder whether he was saying that so that he could believe it because I knew it was my fault. And I accepted it.

In fact, I enjoyed it.