Already Dead Inside

I was watching him.

Damien was in my writing class and from my seat I could see him sitting on the other side of the class. And for once there was a smile on my face whilst I was not only in the presence of him, but also seeing him with my eyes. Normally there's no smile for him, but there is today.

Half way through the class Damien shifted in his seat and looked directly at me. I didn't look away, I just smiled at him widely. All he did was look at me weirdly, furrow his eyebrows before turning back in his seat.

This happened three more times in the lesson because throughout that whole lesson all I basically did was stare at him. My paper in front of me stayed blank and even if the teacher had noticed that I hadn't done any work it wasn't like I was going to start doing it.

After the lesson was over I shoved everything that I didn't use in my bag before leaving the room.

Being pushed against the wall almost straight after leaving the room didn't startle me a bit. In fact, I had been expecting it because I knew that Damien didn't like the fact that I was staring at him all throughout the lesson. I could just see it on his face and in his eyes.

I enjoyed seeing it.

“What the fuck is your problem Way?” he asked, trying to be intimidating over me. But he didn't intimidate me; there was nothing intimidating about someone's blood. It was only soothing.

“Blood,” I said, grinning widely as I spoke. This just made Damien look at me like I was crazy before he pushed me even more into the wall.

“You're a fucking freak Way. A little nerd and a freak. Just stop staring at me,” he spat, bit of his saliva hit my cheek but I still continued grinning like I was before. All he did was call me a freak again before letting me off of the wall and stalking away.

I watched him the whole way, not once listening to him about stopping staring at him. He didn't get that I needed to stare at him in order to start liking him.

Just now was my 'spending time' with him so now all I need to do is watching him everytime I see him and then my starting to like him will be done.

The rest of my classes went slowly along. I didn't do a single bit of work in any of them, instead I thought back to the weekend. That alone made my day at a high but what I was going to do was going to raise that up sufficiently.

When college was let out at the end of the day I walked around to the back fields and stood in the shadows, a grin still evident on my face.

It seems that Damien doesn't appreciate the time I'm giving to him. Such a shame really, I was paying close attention to him so that I could start to like him.

I never really got rugby, why people love playing it and why they'll get all sweaty and out of breath just to play a game that they'll probably never remember.

It's why watching the blood flow from someone's wound is much more fascinating. As is watching the life slowly slip from their eyes.

Not only does it make you feel warm inside because it's soothing, but it's something that plays over and over again in your mind which means that you'll never forget about it because it's constantly on your mind.

Like it is on mine. And I don't mind it being on my mind.

It's a sort of reminder of what's to happen in a minute. If only Gerard was here so that he could see this. I bet then he'd understand how soothing it is to watch the blood spill onto your hands. The fascination that I've developed as of lately.

Finally after standing around in the shadows for seventy two minutes, the rugby team headed into the changing rooms because they were finished with practise.

I knew that Gerard had probably expected me to go straight to the flat after college, but watching the rugby and waiting around for the right time is far more important than that was.

After a while of them being in the changing rooms, figures started to slowly file out of it. And as I watched them I mentally matched the faces with the ones I saw enter. And when the last person left the changing rooms another grin took over my face.

Damien was alone in the changing rooms. Just what I wanted.

Walking slowly towards it, my eyes sought around me for people. When I found none I slipped into the building and closed the door behind me.

My hands trembled with the excitement already as I slowly made my way further into the changing rooms. Damien was there, sitting on a bench, doing his trainer laces up. His eyes were cast down to his trainers so I just stood in the doorway waiting until he would look up and notice me.

I wasn't waiting long and the look he gave me made my grin stretch wider.

“Way? What the fuck you doing here you fucking weirdo?” his voice had an almost disgusted tone to it. It made me wonder as to why but I didn't dwell on it. When I didn't answer him, Damien got off the bench and walked towards me, leaving his bag where it was. “Huh? What are you doing here Way? Did you follow me or something?”

He never looked down, and that's a good thing. For me it was a good thing, maybe not for him but then again he could appreciate it in death because I'm sure he'll remember that because he didn't look down his team also lost the game.

“I did follow you,” I said, excitement purring in my voice as his eyes widened. “I was doing it so that I could start liking you Damien.”

There's something about my hand that just draws itself upwards which also tears the skin as it goes. And as the skin's tear, the blood is seeping from it.

Damien's eyes slowly look downwards and I'm certain that his eyes widened even more. This brought a giggle from my mouth as I twisted the blade deeper into his stomach. By now he had a thin line of blood dribbling from his mouth.

I had always wondered whether that actually happened. It happened many times on programmes that litter the television which always made me wonder whether it happened in real life.

My wondering is now over.

It was almost a repeat of how Ray went down because as soon as I withdrew the knife from his body he dropped to the ground. A puddle of blood slowly forming from underneath him.

Looking down at the bloodied knife in my hand, I slowly raised it up so that it was level with my eye. The blood looked a glorious red, it was amazing. Slowly I lent forwards and ran my tongue over the bloodied blade.

The blood tingled my senses which made me even more giddy then I already was.

All the while Damien was laying on the floor, his hands shakily pressed to his wound as if he could try and stop the blood flow. And I let him do that for a while whilst I basked in the blood.

But when I was done I crouched down to his level and looked in his eyes. Despite the blood flow from his body I couldn't see the life leaving his eyes. And that just wouldn't do because that was one of the reasons I needed this, to be able to see that simple thing.

The knife drove itself into his chest, twisting and turning deeper into his chest. And as the blood spilled onto my hands I could see the thing that I craved was beginning to happen.

His eyes were slowly becoming dim.

My excitement levels rose as his eyes became dimmer and dimmer, and with another twist of the knife I watched the life leave his eyes.

As I ran my tongue over the blade again, a warm feeling swept within me.

It was a good feeling. A perfect feeling.

I now liked Damien.