Pieces of a Life

The scene was so familiar it was like déjà vu. It was like she had gone back in time, sitting on her bed, barely able to read the paper in her hands because of how they shook. This was happening all over again, but Leila had never made a promise that it wouldn’t. Sure, she felt awful about it, but sometimes you just have to make sacrifices. Sometimes you have to do what you think is right rather than what you think is easy. It comes down to heart against mind, and you have a decision to make. Leila wouldn’t acknowledge it, but in the back of her head she wasn’t sure which she was choosing here. But she knew what had to be done.

Even if Leila hadn’t been a human incubus of pain that night, she still wouldn’t have been able to fall asleep. After Alex left she had dragged herself up to her room, and she couldn’t really do much thinking because her top concern was the now-difficult task of walking. But when she carefully lowered herself to sit at the edge of her bed, placing that little turquoise box on her dresser in front of her, she had time to think. She had all the time she wanted, because she was sure she wasn’t going to get any sleep that night, and when she sat and stared at that perfect little box it felt like her chest was clenching and her lungs were shrinking. And she had a lot to think about.

She thought it was kind of funny, how her life seemed to just go in circles. It would always start with some looming ultimatum, some huge decision Leila did not feel equipped to make, and usually she’d end up following the route she thought would lead her on the right track. But it always seemed to lead to more problems and more of her being miserable. Everything was a big circle of Leila making bad decisions no matter what she decided to do. Maybe Alex was right about how much of her life she had ahead of her. She had the freedom, now, to do whatever she wanted. The problem with that was the only thing she wanted to do was dance.

Leila leaned back on her bed to stare at the ceiling. Let’s be rational here, she thought, her legs dangling off the bed. Dancing is out of the question now. So what are you going to do now, Leila? This is what you were always afraid of, this is the day you hoped would never come. It’s here. It’s real. What are you going to do? Leila ran her hands over her face and groaned quietly. Her life was always going in circles. What was she going to do now, how was she going to rip her life into shreds this time around?

She had the option of the ring in the Tiffany’s box, the shining promise of forever in a diamond on her left hand. Putting that ring on her finger would mean, amongst other things, a walk down the aisle with a substitute father. She didn’t handle stress very well, and the idea of planning a fucking wedding made her head woozy. Aside from those silly aspects, there was the entire future of her life on the line. Was she strong enough to handle months at a time without Alex? It was true she’d gone years without him, but that was a different situation. Things had changed now, and promising your life together to one person was a huge commitment that Leila never really could wrap her head around. Forty-seven years from now, when her bones would be aching most days and her skin wouldn’t be so smooth anymore and she’d surely be grumpy more often than not, what would they do? She loved Alex and she had never needed anyone in her life more than she needed him, but she couldn’t imagine the magnitude of that sort of promise. She wasn’t sure she’d ever understand it. If she said yes to him, that would mean she’d face reality. Some nights she’d get so lonely in a bed by herself and she’d just have to wait for him to call her from wherever he’d be if she wanted to hear his voice and feel better. She would get moody and he would get annoyed and they’d fight, and they’d have to get over it. She’d be giving him the rest of her life.

There was some part of her that wished she could calm down and think neutral, objective thoughts. She was so worked up from everything going on that there was no way she could detach herself and draw a safe conclusion. How could she determine the rest of her life in one night? Granted, he had told her she didn’t have to answer, but she put pressure on herself. She needed an answer more for herself than for him. What was she going to do with her life? The only solid choice she had was an engagement, and whenever that word floated through her head she felt faint. Engagement. Leila Abigail Willows-Gaskarth. She shook her head vigorously in attempt to get those thoughts out.

If walking would’ve been easier, she would’ve been pacing. But since walking was an insurmountable task now, she had to deal with the nervous energy a different way. She drummed her fingers, ran her hands through her hair, tugged on the ends of it and flicked her eyes around her room. They always fell on that little box on her dresser and she would sigh every time she saw it again. Her eyebrows knotted together and her mouth twisted downward, because she really didn’t think she deserved that ring. Sure, it was everything she’d ever wanted or imagined, but she didn’t deserve that. Not now. Not after all this.

Sometimes, you have to make sacrifices, Leila thought as she pushed herself to stand up. You have to do what’s right, rather than what’s easy. It comes down to heart and mind. And you have a decision to make. She plucked the box up with careful fingers, looking at it curiously in her hands. With a final glance at the clock—nearly four in the morning, now—she put the box down gently.

The next few steps were calculated very calmly, detached and emotionless as she went through the motions robotically: Sit down. Wait for hands to stop shaking. Rip Velcro boot off; set aside. Pick up paper; don’t look at it—she knew she’d get upset. Fold in half. Place in purse—she paused to rub her hands over her face, a little crack of weakness, but closed herself off again quickly—and stand up. Look at clock. Open suitcase. Begin.



If Alex had to guess, he’d probably figure it’d come down to this. Somehow he just knew. When he woke up the next morning after hardly sleeping, the sky grey and cloudy yet again, he wasn’t surprised. He was ready. He’d wait. She’d come to him. So he rubbed his eyes and shuffled into the kitchen to make some coffee.

Leila had figured it all out in her head eventually. It took her a while, but she worked it all out. She knew what to do. It would work. But she still wasn’t going to wear that goddamn boot. She made sure she’d calculated enough time for her to limp and hobble around without being late, and she got out her keys. She locked the door behind her. And she left the ring on her dresser.

Everything must’ve happened exactly how Leila calculated it would—how Alex might’ve figured out, too, if he’d thought about it harder. It wasn’t long after the taxi left the driveway that Evelyn pulled in. It must’ve been about that time, too, that Jack sat down across from Alex, slow so he could stare at him with wide eyes and say, “What did you just say?” And Alex repeated: “I asked her to marry me,” in a very low, emotionless voice. That was when Evelyn had let herself in and discovered the Tiffany & Co box sitting on Leila’s dresser. And when Evelyn’s jaw dropped, so did Jack’s; and so did Leila’s foot as she stepped out of the cab at the airport.

Everything she did was slow motion after she broke her ankle. Getting her bags, walking through the doors, taking out her ID to show the person behind the desk. She was measuring her suitcase to make sure she could carry it on when Alex was standing up to refill his coffee. When Leila was forcing a smile at the airport worker behind the desk, Evelyn was slamming her car door to peel out of the Willows’ driveway. In the amount of time it took Leila to go through the security line, Evelyn had arrived at Alex’s house and flew through the door.

“You’re an idiot,” Evelyn screeched. “An absolute idiot!” Her eyes were wide, and her voice was frightened.

Leila was starting to get a little antsy, but she reassured herself it would all be okay. It’d work out. This was calculated and planned. Everything would be okay. She counted on it. Carefully, she gathered her things from the security scan and began what would be a long walk to her gate.

“You—you asked her—I can’t believe you did that, Alex,” Evelyn breathed, sitting down with bewildered, panicked eyes. Jack rolled his lips together and glanced up to look at Alex. He was expressionless.

Leila took her time, since she couldn’t really do much else. The amount she was using her ankle was certainly making it worse, but she couldn’t be fucked to care. It wouldn’t ever heal anyway, so she just wallowed in self-pity. She made it much more dramatic than it had to be, but she was like that anyway. Finally, she reached the gate for the flight to San Francisco and sat down, exhausted. There was a trace of a smile on her face. It would work, she told herself. It’d all work out.

The night before—or really just the early morning—she had figured it all out when she sat on her bed for those endless hours. For one thing, she was in no shape to be anyone’s fiancée. Not the future president’s, not a cute Jewish med student’s, and certainly not Alex Gaskarth’s. For another thing, Baltimore was over for her. She had to get out of Baltimore or it would smother her and swallow her whole. And finally, the last thought in her head, was that she and Alex always found their way back to each other. She left the ring in its box, booked a last-minute flight, and almost smiled. It would all work out. If she and Alex were meant to be together, he would get to her and make sure she didn’t leave. If they weren’t meant to be together, she’d go back to California anyway and live out the rest of her life from there. No harm, no foul. She was slightly aware that she was lying to herself. But otherwise, Leila congratulated herself on a job well done. And boarding for her flight was announced.

Evelyn was still gaping at Alex in his kitchen. “You do know she—”

Alex interrupted her, raising his tired eyes to meet hers. “She’s gone? Yeah, Ev, I know. I know she’s gone. I—I knew she’d leave.” He stared at his coffee. He was impressed with how calm he was staying. Maybe Leila had finally wrung him dry.

“No,” Evelyn sighed heavily, shaking her head. Jack looked between the two, confused. Alex frowned a little, the only emotion he seemed to have shown all morning. “She’s not gone, Alex. She…she thinks you’ll come after her. She wants you to come after her. I know it, Alex, she’s not just going to leave like this again.” Evelyn stared at him pleadingly, glancing at Jack to beg him to agree, to say anything to help Alex understand. Jack shook his head, staying silent.

Alex had started shaking his head before Evelyn had finished talking. “She’s gone, Evelyn. I’m not chasing after her anymore. She’s gone. She’s really gone.”

Evelyn pouted miserably and whirled her head to look at Jack, who flung his hands up in a silent keep me out of this. There were a lot of things spinning through Evelyn’s mind but she couldn’t grasp any of them. She knew she was angry. Betrayed was a better word, really. So much was going on in her head and none of it made sense. Her eyes began to sting and well up, and sure enough, one heavy tear streaked its way down her cheek. Alex brushed it away gently, but she saw how defeated he was. He probably wanted to cry, too, but didn’t have it in him. He stood up and put the rest of his coffee on the counter, functioning on autopilot while he made his way back to his bed. In the kitchen, Evelyn began to sob.

It was about when Jack scooted over to put his arms around his sister that Leila was heaving herself out of her seat to get in the first-class boarding line. Her heart was pitter-pattering, but she tried to talk herself back to calmness. It would work out. She dragged her suitcase along and waited in anticipation. Any second now, she told herself. But, when she imagined he should’ve been running to grab her out of line, Alex was closing the door to his bedroom. He was crawling back into bed in the cold darkness of his room when she was sure he would’ve been calling her name from the length of the terminal, begging her not to go. As much as she’d planned for any outcome, she’d counted on the one where he showed up. He should’ve been running after her through the airport, yelling her name, stumbling to reach out and grab her before she took out her ticket. He should’ve grabbed her by the waist and swept her up and kissed her in front of everyone, and she would cry and say she never meant to leave and she loved him more than anything. He should’ve come back with the ring, gotten on one knee, and slipped the band on her finger right here, in Baltimore-Washington International Airport. He should’ve been here. He should’ve come.

Leila’s heart jerked and her mind blanked out when she had to hand her boarding pass over. She realized he wasn’t coming.

Leila glanced over her shoulder desperately, finally really admitting to herself she’d believed all along Alex would come for her. But he didn’t. And he wouldn’t. And her boarding pass was handed back to her, and she took a step forward to board the plane.