Innocence

Three weeks had gone by since Rosie's birthday. Raiden and I were on good terms and like best friends. School started in about a week and I was not excited. Raiden was though, it was senior year for us. As he said "The fuck up and have fun just because" year.

It was a Tuesday morning and I was sitting on my bed looking at Raiden while he blabbed about his senior bucket list. Everything he wanted to do before he graduated. Which I wasn't convinced if he would graduate after he let me in on his educational background. Katie was laying on the ground listening intently and Keith was sitting in a chair next to the bed where Raiden and I resided. He was watching Raiden. Not in admiration but as if he was guarding the bed.

"I want to get drunk off my ass at least once!" I laughed at Raiden and he smiled at me. I heard Keith clear his throat and I rolled my eyes at him. I didn't tell him or Katie that I was slowly developing a crush on Raiden. I surprised myself by that realization because I haven't cared about anyone that way since Preston. I felt bad for liking Raiden, but I knew Preston would want me to be happy. I also felt bad because it was very possible that Raiden and I would be related soon.

Then, I wouldn't even be allowed to like him. I prayed that my mom would change her mind.

Keith glared at Raiden. "That's stupid, why would you do that?"

"It would be fun! Plus, I would have Tobers to take care of me and make sure I don't do anything stupid." I shook my head with a grin.

"I would make you do stupid stuff!" I admitted. Katie smiled at us and laughed.

Keith snorted. "I hate this. You guys need to be mean to each other again. The niceness is just gross."

"Kid, we have to get along, our parents are going to get married." I felt my heart drop at the thought of them going through with it.

Before Keith could say anything else my phone rang and I put a finger in the air and then answered the number I didn't recognize. "Hello?"

"October?" Said the feminine voice.

"This is she." I stated like my mom did when she answered the phone.

I heard a relived sigh. "Good. This is momma Gates. How are you my dear?"

My eyes grew big. "Um, I'm alright. How are you?"

"I'm still alive. You're probably wondering why I'm calling. I feel bad we haven't stayed in touch. Preston would have wanted that." She sniffled. "I just wanted to invite you to this get together the family is having for what would have been Preston's birthday. We would all love to have you there."

I bit my lip. "What would we be doing?"

"We're going to the cemetery just to put some stuff on his grave, then going to the park and have some cake, let go of some balloons, and write some letters. It's going to be fun."

"Um.." I hesitated.

"Please? Preston would want you to be there, just see it as his actual birthday party. You would have been there right? And I know you haven't seen his headstone yet. You would love it."

Preston would have wanted me there. He would want me to do it. Maybe to get over it seeing his grave would help. "Alright."

~~~~~

"Thank you for coming with me, man."

Raiden smiled at me as we made our way over to where Preston's family was standing. They were by the entrance to the tiny but cute cemetery. I had asked Raiden to come because I didn't want to go alone and it felt right that he come for some reason. He of course accepted gladly. I was scared about seeing where Preston was but having Raiden to comfort me helped my anxiety.

We reached his family and I tried to smile at all of them. His mom and dad came out from the crowd and hugged me tightly.

"You look great, Toby." Mr. Gates said.

"You haven't changed at all. Is that the dress Preston bought for you? It still fits." I looked down at my dress and smiled as I nodded. "Oh, who is this young man?"

I gestured to Raiden. "Mrs and Mr. Gates, this is Raiden, my friend. Raiden this is the wonderful parents of the love of my life."

A tear dripped down Mrs. Gates cheek. "Nice to meet you, Raiden."

"Nice to meet you too." Raiden said quietly.

"So you ready to see where Preston is?"

I nodded.

"Okay, well we're going to all go to it but we're going to let you see it alone. You might want a bit of privacy. We'll be near, but still at a distance." I once again nodded.

I noticed everyone that was there. Not many people, because it was strictly close family but still enough. There was of course his parents, his aunt and uncle, his five cousins, his sister and her husband, and his best friends Kyle and Marc. Even though they were not blood, they were still close family. As they led the way Kyle and Marc walked over to me and Raiden and walked with us as we made our way through the cemetery.

"Long time no see, pumpkin." I smiled at the nickname that Kyle, Marc, and Preston had for me. It was of course because my name was October and my birthday was in October.

I hugged them both tightly and introduced them to Raiden.

"Why did we ever stop talking?" Marc asked. "We were your friends too."

I shrugged. "I dunno, but it's probably because I shut myself off from everyone. I didn't try to keep in contact with anyone that reminded me of Preston."

They both nodded glumly. "Give me your phone." Kyle demanded. I handed him my phone and watched as he punched the buttons.

He handed it back. "There. Now you have mine and Marc's numbers. And we have yours because I sent our phones messages from your phone. Now we have no reason not to talk." He said with a smile.

Finally, we came to a stop. We were a few feet away from Preston's grave.

"Okay, Toby, go ahead." Mr. Gates said. "We're going to wait right here. Take your time. We can wait."

I sighed and looked at Raiden. "If I look like I need you, don't be afraid to come to me."

He nodded and I walked over to where the Gate's were. Mrs. Gates pointed straight ahead. "He's the big one with the angel holding the heart."

I slowly made my way to his head stone. It was immaculate. It was like Rosie's but different. Instead of an angel behind it, the angel was on it's knees and was draped over the heart. I bent down in front of it and touched the inscriptions.

Here lies Preston Bryant Gates.
A loved Son, Brother, Nephew, Cousin, Friend, and Boyfriend.

I smiled at the boyfriend part and skipped over the date of birth and death.

Underneath that, there was a paragraph.

Preston meant a lot to all of us. We still miss him everyday. And even though most of us our blood we can't imagine how his girlfriend must feel. Maybe girlfriend isn't the word, but we know she feels the greatest loss. Loosing the love of your life is never easy. Preston loved her dearly. Each time you visit him, please pray for his remaining love. She still holds his heart in spirit.

"Oh, Preston." I whispered. I felt tears tickling my eyes. I touched the portrait of him that was on the heart next to his name. "I'm so sorry. I miss you so much. I should have stopped you from going. I should have went with my dad instead. Well, then you would be without me but maybe if I went it wouldn't have happened that way. I would give anything just to bring you guys back."

"I still haven't cried. I feel like I might now. I've tried to be strong, but I feel so much pain. I want to be okay, I want to be okay for you. I know you would want me to. You would want me to be happy and you would want me to continue living. But if you were in my shoes, it would be hard for you too."

"So you would be eighteen today. I remember how you promised that the second I turned 18 that we would start planning our wedding. I still have the promise ring. You said when I was 16 that we would make it our engagement ring because if we did it when I was 14 everyone would think we were moving to fast.." I sniffled.

"I'm 16 now, soon I'll be 17. It's too late to make it an engagement ring now. We should have just done it then. I'm sure everyone would have gotten over it. It was obvious we were in love."

"Did you ever think you wouldn't be around to attend your 18th birthday? Yeah, I thought you would be here too. I could just imagine the look on our parents' faces when you told them about our engagement. Thinking of that, I keep dreaming of what our wedding would have been like."

"If we go back about four years time and save everyone's lives I could see us getting married on the beach. Our moms our in the front isle crying their eyes out, Marc, Keith, Kyle, your cousin Chris, and your sisters boyfriend Alex standing across from my bridesmaids, Rosie throws the petals down the center of the seats and then my dad escorts me to you with tears in his eyes."

"We could of had it all. We would have been perfect. I just know it. It's hard to imagine even dating anyone else now. I have a crush on a friend but I'm not sure how far that would be allowed to go. Plus I still love you. Can you be in love with two people? 'Cause if not, I'm doomed till the day I die. 'Cause I'll always be in love with you. No matter what. I wonder if you can even hear me.. but I guess it doesn't matter. There's nothing we can do about this anymore."

"We can't be together." I started to cry. For the first time in a long time. I sobbed into my hands.

"It's all my fault. How am I even supposed to live? I don't even feel like I have these past two years. I mean, I can still breathe but without you but it's like my oxygen supply has been cut down. I hope you don't get mad if I manage to ever find someone to help me with my pain. Even if I don't love them the way I loved you."

"I guess I should go. I don't know if I can. I'm so so so so sorry. I wish we could be together. And if Heaven exists, and you're up there. Wait for me. Please? I promise I will find you one day. I promise."

Tears streaked down my cheeks and onto my neck as I sat in front of Preston's grave. I felt hands come around me and I looked beside me to see Raiden. I smiled at his the best I could and he hugged me tightly. Taking a lot of my energy, I stood up and turned to face Preston's family. A lot of them were crying.

They all took turns hugging me and then we made our way to the Park.

~~~~~~

Raiden sat close to me on the picnic bench as I clutched the blank piece of paper in my hand. We were supposed to be writing our letters to Preston. But I wasn't sure what to write. I pretty much spilled it all when I was at his grave. I looked around and everyone else was deep into their writing.

I sighed and pushed the pen into the paper. My hand shook.

Preston.
We're supposed to write these letters to you.
Your mom said that it will give us all some
needed closure. I sure hope. I just want you
to know that I have always, and will always
love you. I don't want you to hate me but I
have a crush. I know. I know. If you were
here you would probably tell me that it was
okay. I wish it was.

He's going to be my brother soon.
So even though I have feelings
for someone else (something I thought would
never happen) I can't be with him. I could
have been with you. There was no way we
couldn't have been. Things were easy with
us. If things could work with Raiden I'm not
so certain I would want to make it work.

Because if these is something like Heaven
and I see you up there, (if we stayed together
forever.. which I doubt.. but might as well
speak hypothetically) I couldn't be with you.
I would be with him.. or whoever I end up
with-if I end up with anyone- Or I could
come back to you but either way someone
would be hurt. And it couldn't be you!
I wish it was all wrote in stone, I wish I knew
how to deal with this. I wish you could
tell me what I should do.

I love you, I'm in love with you, and Please
wait for me. I'll get there when I can.

-Pumpkin.

Tears drenched down my neck and onto my chest. Raiden handed me tissues and watched me carefully. "I'm fine." I whispered.

"Okay, when you're done, take your letter, and throw it into the fire pit. Then after we all do that we're going to end the party with a balloon letting. And if you want to stay for cake you can."

I decided to be the first one to throw the letter into the fire. I wiped the freshly fallen tears and loosened my grip on the letter. I held it above the fire. I turned away and let it go. Then, feeling immense pain, I sobbed into my hands.

Soon, after many tears. Everyone discarded their letters. Now we were holding balloons and standing under the bright afternoon sun.

Mr. Gates counted down. And then we let go of the balloons. "Happy Birthday, Preston." I whispered.