Fix Me, Conflict Me

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Maddie! Maddie, don’t cry,” the lanky, unfamiliar dark haired boy who was standing by my bed pleaded when I opened my eyes.

“Don’t touch me!” I couldn’t help but scream, cringing and trying to cover up as much of my body as my arms could. They were only going to hurt me. All of them. All of those guys…

Why did I wake up? Where was I? Hell with fluorescent lights? Yeah, that sounds about right.

“Shit, shit, ok! Calm down!” he begged, backing up and scuttling over to the door. “Rian? Hey, Rian, c’mere! She’s awake, but she’s flippin’ out! Where are Zack and Bailey?”

Breathing hard, I studied my surroundings – stereotypically pristine hospital room, recliner in the corner, windows with sunlight pouring in. I was on a stiff hospital bed, wearing one of those hideous sea foam green hospital gowns. There was an IV in my right arm and my left arm was wrapped up nice and tight. I tried to sit up, but my head was pounding too much, so I just stayed down.

Why was I still alive? No, no, no, this wasn’t supposed to happen.

“Um, they’re…hey, look, they’re coming down the hallway! Jack, text Alex and tell him she’s awake. Zack, Bailey! Your friend’s up!”

“Maddie’s awake?” Bailey’s voice cracked, and then I could hear her running footsteps. “Maddie!” Bailey ran into my room, tears spilling down her face. “Oh my god, Maddie! You’re ok! Well, you’re not really ok, but oh my god, you’re awake! I thought you’d never wake up!” Bailey sobbed, hugging me.

“I didn’t want to, Bailey.”

“Maddie, don’t talk like that,” Bailey sniffled, sitting down on the hospital bed. “Hey, are you hungry? Zack and I went out for McDonald’s. I know you don’t eat meat, but you can just take the bacon out of the McGriddles, ok? Zack! Can you hand me a McGriddle, babe?”

“Bailey...” I sighed, covering my eyes with a shaking hand. “Could you close all the blinds and kill the lights? My eyes hurt.” Bailey hurriedly did as I asked and called in a doctor. The doctor did a quick check up… Just kidding, he had to kick my friends outside of the room for half an hour to ask me questions about what happened.

“Ms. Bonner, why did you slit your wrists?” the doctor asked calmly. I just gave him that “Why-the-fuck-would-you-even-bother-asking-me-that” look and didn’t answer. He sighed, adjusting his glasses. “Can you tell me who hurt you, Ms. Bonner?”

My best friend. My best friend killed me.

“Ms. Bonner, we can only help you if you tell us the problem. You’re worrying your friends, you know.”

I just stared at my arm in silence. Did I not cut enough? Were the cuts too shallow? Should I have cut both my wrists instead of just my left one? “No, you have to let me see her! I don’t care if the doctor’s in there with her right now, would you just let me –“ And my door was thrown open.

“A-Alex.”

His eyes were so pained. I didn’t need to see that, knowing I caused it. “I’ll give you two some privacy,” the doctor muttered, leaving the room and shutting the door behind him.

Alex just stood there for a few minutes, looking at me with disappointment now. “Dammit, Alex, don’t look at me like that,” I groaned, throwing an arm over my eyes.

I didn’t hear Alex say anything, but then I felt the bed shift under his weight. “Scoot over, you invalid,” Alex chuckled. Finally, we were both lying down on my hospital bed, somewhat spooning, though, because we wouldn’t fit otherwise. “Maddie…I thought I told you to be careful…”

I laughed, then. I laughed so hard I started to cry and my ribs ached. “Alex…”

“What were you thinking?” he whispered. He didn’t sound angry or anything, but I had no answer. Well, I did, but I was afraid to say it out loud, afraid that Alex wouldn’t want to hear it. “You know how bad it hurts to lose someone to suicide. Why would you do something like that, Maddie?”

“You don’t know how good it feels to lose yourself to suicide, Alex,” I said quietly.

We lay on my bed in silence for a while, and then I felt Alex wrap his arm around my waist. “The Maddie I know is a sweet girl who loves dogs and not eating meat and loads of other stuff, too…not this selfish hypocrite looking for the easy way out, the permanent solution to a temporary problem.”

“Alex, he was my best friend,” I choked out. “He was my best friend, and the first thing he did when he got out of jail was force coke up my nose, beat the shit out of me, fuck me and probably let his friends fuck me while I was unconscious. Now, I’m a possibly pregnant coke addict. I think those problems are pretty fucking permanent! And I am not a selfish hypocrite, alright? I just… I know what’s best. And me out of the picture is what’s best.”

Alex didn’t say a thing. He just let me vent. “Did you think of how much Bailey would cry?” he whispered, and I tensed. He was not about to pull this guilt trip on me... Well, I hate to admit it, but it was working. “Did you think of how badly I would miss you? Huh, Maddie?”

That was…not what I expected to hear. “You would miss me?”

Alex laughed nervously like he just realized what he said. “Only…a lot.” I didn’t know what to say. It was really touching to hear that from Alex, considering I barely knew the guy. “Maddie, I already lost Daniel, I can't...not you, too," he managed to say before he cleared his throat. "I, um, really care about you…You’re important to me, Madds,” he murmured, which instantly got me on edge again.

“Don’t ever call me that. Ever.”

“I’m sorry…is that what your, um, friend called you?”

“Yeah…I don’t want to be reminded of him…sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you…”

“It’s fine,” Alex brushed it off, and suddenly he was gone. “Hold on, I’ll be right back.”

Alex left my room. I managed to sit up before he got back. Thank god the bed had a remote and I could make it move, because I wouldn’t be able to sit up by myself. Alex came in with something wrapped in white napkins in each of his hands. “Here we are,” he said happily, joining me on the bed again. “That one’s yours. I took the bacon out, no worries. And everyone knows how much hospital food sucks.”

I took the McGriddle from him and sighed, closing my eyes. “Why, Alex?”

He swallowed down the food he’d eaten. “I can see it in your eyes. I know you want to be saved, and I’ll do everything I can to save you, Maddie. You’ll be fine.”

I stared at him before letting my head fall onto his shoulder and taking his free hand in mine, noticing the bruise on the inside of his elbow before I closed my eyes for a power nap.

He gave me his blood? I really owed my life to this boy.

Why couldn’t Alex see that he was too good to me?