Fix Me, Conflict Me

I left Maddie when she was asleep to answer the doctor’s questions. When I brought up the cocaine, he asked if I knew how much she’d taken, but I didn’t know. He claimed she took an almost lethal dose, though. If Bailey had found her any later, she would’ve bled out and…died… for sure.

“She should be sleeping a lot,” the doctor said after our conversation. “She’s on so many painkillers right now. That poor girl is black and blue all over.” I gritted my teeth at how true that was. “Thank you, Alex. Maddie will be out of the ICU in a few days. I’d recommend therapy or rehab, but somehow I feel like she would refuse it,” he sighed, and his statement made me smile. “I still strongly recommend it, though. There was so much cocaine… without a doubt, she’s addicted, and addictions are hard to break.”

I nodded, swallowing hard. “Do you, um…can you tell if she’s, um… pregnant?”

The doctor looked at me with nothing but pity in his eyes. I hated it. I got that enough already. “No, it’s too soon to tell.”

“Ok…but she’s gonna be fine, right?”

“Yes, with time. I’ve seen worse… have a nice day.” The doctor walked away before I could reciprocate the sentiment.

Would Maddie even consider therapy? …Maybe when hell freezes over. I racked my brain for the things I did after Daniel, and I realized I didn’t do much of anything. I pretty much just vegetated and moped around the house, wrote and played depressing songs, and tortured myself by spending time in Daniel’s room.

Damn, what a whiny bitch I was!

Bailey and Zack were in Maddie’s room, watching over her as she slept. She was moved out of the ICU, but her room was still really small, so not all of us went in at once. Rian and Jack were still here, sitting out in the hallway by her door. I joined them. “How’d you meet this pretty lady, Alex?” Jack asked when I sat down between them.

“She’s always in trouble,” I sighed, remembering our first encounter in the rain. “…And I always happen to be there to get her out of it.”

“You’ve got it bad for her, don’t you?” Rian said knowingly.

“I…” Jack and Rian waited expectantly, but I cleared my throat. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I finally said, drawing my legs to my chest and pressing my forehead to my knees so that they couldn’t see how bad I was blushing, how bad I did have it for Maddie.

“Well, you’ve got Lisa, anyways,” Jack reminded me.

Lisa? Oh yeah, that’s my girlfriend that I kind of haven’t seen since Daniel’s death. “Exactly,” I mumbled, wanting to slap myself. I’d completely forgotten about Lisa! Probably because I pushed her away when she tried comforting me. Contrary to popular belief, sex doesn’t always make guys feel better. We’ve got feelings, too. She knew I needed my space, and, good god, had she given me space. I hadn’t seen or heard from her since the burial.

“Bro,” Rian said gently. “If…If you’re not happy with Lisa… Maybe Maddie-”

“I will never be happy again,” I said darkly.

Rian and Jack fell silent, and then Jack said something. Of course Jack would say something. “Never happy again, huh? I think I missed the part where the dementor sucked out your soul.”

I couldn’t help but grin and laugh, smacking Jack for his snide, but funny comment. It lightened the mood considerably. “You know what…I’m gonna go see Lisa right now.”

“Alright,” Rian nodded hesitantly. “You’re gonna come back, though, right?”

“Yeah. I just need to see Lisa and grab a few things from home. I’m gonna spend the night here with Maddie again. See you guys in a few.” We said our goodbyes and I drove the half hour to Lisa’s place. She had an apartment with some girl she went to school with. I owed Zack a full tank of gas when Maddie got out of the hospital.

“Lisa, babe?” I knocked on the door, but it swung open at my touch. I frowned, instantly on edge. “Lisa?” I said a little louder, slowly entering the house. I softly padded into the kitchen, taking the chef knife out of the drawer before heading for her room. I saw her car in the parking lot of the apartment complex, so I knew she was here somewhere… “Lisa?”

I pushed the door to her room open, and I wished I didn’t.

Lisa was completely naked and cuddling up to some guy in her bed that was sure as hell not me. When she saw me standing in the doorway, she screamed. I understand, though. What cheating whore likes to see her supposed boyfriend standing in her doorway with a knife in his hand as she’s cuddling up to her flavor of the week?

“Alright, Lisa. Alright. I see how it is. I don’t want to see your face ever again. ” I dropped the knife and walked out of her room. I was back to being angry again. I liked being just sad about things. At least then people wanted to be around me, and I wouldn’t hurt anyone or even myself. When I was angry, it was bad news. I mean, come on, she couldn’t have waited for me to finish grieving before she cheated? This was too much. I drove home, nearly crashing on the way because I was crying angry tears, and got Baz the second I got into the house. Once I had his leash on him, I grabbed my backpack and got back into the car.

“Why is my life so full of shit, Baz?” I asked my dog as I drove back to the hospital. Lisa and I were high school sweethearts since sophomore year and we had our ups and downs, but we always came out of things still together. Not anymore. Not after this. No fucking way. Baz just happily stuck his head out the window, barking at cars that passed us on the road.

When we got to the hospital, I stuffed Baz into my backpack. He didn’t like that too much, but I just rushed past the hospital personnel to Maddie’s room. Rian and Jack were still sitting in the same spot. “Hey!” Jack greeted me happily. “How’d it go, man? You were gone for a while…quickie?” Jack joked.

I gritted my teeth. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Rian elbowed Jack before he said anything else and I went into Maddie’s room. Bailey was sitting in a chair beside Maddie, and Zack sat up on the window sill. “Hi,” I said a little breathlessly, closing the door behind me and looking around the room surreptitiously.

“Alex,” Maddie said in a weak, tired, happy voice. “Why so serious?” she laughed a little at the way I held my backpack so tightly. She froze when Baz finally poked his head out the top of my backpack and barked at his surroundings. “Oh, Alex!”

I gently took Baz out and put him on Maddie’s lap. “You can’t go see him, so I brought him to see you, which may or may not be legal in this hospital…” I trailed off, smiling a little at how happy Maddie looked. Happy? Understatement. With that dog in her arms, Maddie’s face was just fucking radiant. I sat down on the bed with her, watching her pet and talk to Baz like he was an old friend.

She pulled Baz up to hug him and kiss his head before looking at me. “Thanks, Alex.”

I guess I understand why my parents made me get a dog now.